ramblings from an earthmama

holiday message

2011-12-23T22:32:00.002-06:00

i saw i actually titled a post in 2008 as holiday message. as though i had so many messages that year, i should go ahead an dedicate one as my holiday message. how cool.

but this year? i don't have so many messages. since my youngest was born, i just haven't had a lot of time to blog...and my thoughts haven't been too, uhm, write-able either.

but here are some things i've learned this year...

people are amazing. maybe it's just the ones i know, but really, people are pretty incredible in lots and lots of ways.

sometimes things have to break before they can be fixed.

some things never get fixed...

sometimes you think you can't do something, or you just don't fucking care, but with time, you realize you can and you do and you should try not to fuck things up too badly in the between time.

faith in god means faith in people. i just don't think there's any getting around that. (and i have tried...and tried...)

showing up is, in fact, the secret to life. or at least thus far. but seriously.

and last, but certainly not least...it is totally okay to fuck up. really. i'm serious.

and that is it.

my family is sick. and that's been kind of sweet and cool (as well as crappy and snotty). whatever i didn't get done, well, it won't get done. and it's going to be great anyway. hope your holidays rock.

peace

where am i again?

2011-11-17T08:50:00.004-06:00

when my family and i left our hometown so my dh could start medical school, i had been working at my children's school. a really cool private school that included kids from 18 months to first grade. it was such a great place to send my kids, that i really, really wanted to work there. the staff was, well, awesome. they were sad to see us go. and one of them gave me a card that i framed...it said, "sooner or later, we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. the true joy of life is in the trip." (robert j. hastings) i knew this would be a theme of the next eight years. (i also knew "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me" would be a theme...but we'll save that for another blog...)

there is no one station to arrive at once and for all...i have learned this...i think. or at least, i've begun to understand it. there a baz luhrmann song called "everybody should wear sunscreen"...one of the lines says "the race is long...and in the end, it's with yourself." and it doesn't end until we die. and even then, i'm not so sure it ends, but i'm pretty sure it changes, so we can definitely say it ends as we know it. lol. anyway. the road goes on forever, and the party never ends. (that's a robert earl keen line...why am i suddenly channeling all of these musicians?) i'm starting to "get" that every time i think i've made it through one challenge, another comes. that life doesn't really go back and forth, like i used to visualize it. it is always forward. just side to side, so to speak. like kids, life vacillates back and forth between equilibrium and disequilibrium. (and let me tell you, sometimes it can almost fall the hell off the charts, it gets so far off on the disequilibrium side...)

the true joy of life is in the trip. this is easier for me to understand. we're a road tripping family. we road trip well. we know what you need (beef jerky and comfortable pillows...and small electronics with extra batteries). we know how to enjoy each other when we're confined in the small space of our car. and we know how to shut up when we're getting annoyed. we like similar music, so we can fill irritating silence with tunes that bring us back together. we enjoy the same books on tape, so there's that. and we all seem to have about the same sized bladder. we are one perfect road tripping family, the more i think about it... so yes, we have had our vacations where one of the best parts was the drive. and i get that. i really do.

but i like consistency and predictability. and i think one of the hardest things about life for me is that it is not very rhythmic. at least not when you're wishing it would get somewhere, get to a place and stay that way. now, i've definitely had my times where i think to myself, "oh dear god, PLEASE, don't let it stay here...whatever i have to do, PLEASE don't let it stay this way." but i admit, i would like life to get good and stay good. is that so much to ask? as i sat outside last night, a cold front was still blowing in. the most wonderful breeze would blow and knock a few leaves down. it occurred to me that even if winter blows in somewhat predictably each year, that you could never predict the patterns that the leaves would fall down in....that it is unique each year. and for some reason, that just cracked open this whole realization that we have to change...that the very nature of life is change...and that part of my problem, my BIGGEST problem, is fighting that change. (no WONDER i'm so damned tired and overwhelmed and stressed out...it's like i've been trying to make the world turn in the opposite direction using my BARE HANDS...doh!)

so i'm just going to sit with this realization for a bit...let it do its work...because while i know a new day of understanding is dawning, i also know there are more days to come after...so i want to give myself a chance to absorb this, lay a good foundation. i guess when you realize how much longer the race truly is, that there is no end in sight, EVER...you have to pace yourself differently. so that's what i'm going to work on...finding a more natural pace.

(as well as realizing i do not have to run or be propelled from good to bad or happy to sad...that this journey all moves forward...that really helps me, you know...to know what direction i'm traveling...)

peace

ask, even when you don't know you're asking, and ye shall receive

2011-11-11T08:34:00.004-06:00

last night, i was pretty wrung out...feeling emotionally drained, like really. emotionally. drained. in a way i haven't been that i can recall. and it made me defensive...and suspicious. i don't know that defensive leads to suspiciousness...i just know that when i feel defensive...like defensive to the bone (yes, it usually comes with weariness)...i also start finding suspect the motives of all around me. it's a vicious, awful cycle. and that pretty much sums up my last night. the hubs was not my friend. the teens were extra selfish. even the baby didn't love me much, to be honest.

but i made it through the night (and i must admit here that it is really only recently that i've learned to have faith that i will, indeed, make it through these evenings of intense negative emotions). the kids eventually got their homework done and their teeth brushed (it was a late night due to piano recitals and visiting cousins) and the baby eventually reliquished the "boo" and drifted off into sleep. and i sat down with my book (the one i was doing really well and actually looked like i might finish...but then it sat untouched for a month...sigh). and here are a few excerpts from what i read...

"Do you ever think about dying? Whenever I am confronted with the reality and inevitability of death it heightens my awareness of how brief and precious my time here on earth is. Sometimes it is the death of a friend, at other times it is a news story, or perhaps it is just a bumpy ride on a plane. These events help me to treasure my own life more and more with each passing day. But they also challenge me to reassess the way I am spending the time, effort, and energies that are my life. I am more intimately aware than ever before that we all waste life. We waste it one day at a time--a day here and a day there--or an hour at a time. We waste time drowning in unforgiveness. We waste time immersed in frivolous or irresponsible activities. We waste time being lazy and procrastinating. We waste time. Life is passing us by."

and there was this one, one of my absolute favorites...i've used it in a talk and i'm going to put it up in my kids' bathroom...it is a marianne williamson quote...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

it occurs to me as i type this that often my defensiveness does beget defensiveness in others. so i guess it can work both ways. it also occurs to me that beauty companies really want our population to believe only a handful of them will be glorious. the knowledge of how amazing each person is would devastate their profit margins.

and the last passage, words of john henry newman (no, i really don't know who he is...wiki, here i come...)...

"God has created me to do him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which he has not committed to another. I have my missions. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good--I shall do his work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place while not intending it, if I do but keep his commandments. Therefore I will trust him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve him. In perplexity, my perplexity may serve him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve him. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me--still, HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS ABOUT."

and since it's from the same book, much further back that the stuff i just posted, but because it so eloquently states how i feel about being catholic. and because i've been writing more from that part of my life...i just wanted to share this quote from mother teresa, who is a person who inspires me deeply....

"Religion is not something that you or I can touch. Religion is the worship of God--therefore a matter of conscience. I alone must decide for myself and you for yourself, what we choose. For me, the religion I live and use to worship God is the Catholic religion. For me, this is my very life, my joy, and the greatest gift of God in his love for me. He could have given me no greater gift."

i know some people have had the experience of being around christians who tell them the state of others' souls based on how they are living. (ie..."if you don't believe x, then you're going to hell.") but i've been reading the bible lately (yeah...i'm really going there...and yeah...i've really never gone there before), and i am pretty sure that the bible is a self help book, and only a self help book. it is about how to make your soul right. there is not a lot about how to judge others' souls. as a matter of fact, i came across this verse last night, warning against living to follow the law instead (and the false sense of holiness that comes with that) of being lead by the law to live in faith for the soul...

You are separated from Christ, you who are trying to be justified by the law; you have fallen from grace. --Galatians 5: 4

i was so consumed by the end of last night by the negativity of this one agent i have had to work with on buying what i am pretty sure is going to be our dream home. i will permit myself a moment to dwell on that thought...it is just a beautiful, beautiful place...wild and open and lots of room to explore and breathe and run and get your hands in the earth and feel the sun and wind...and a lake, too...if this works out, i will cry at amazement of our good fortune. but i guess the road to eden must have some brambles to keep us humble? because this one woman's personality has enough brambles to humble a small army. she has shaken my faith in people, in myself so many times. but, there are other folks that have come into my path that have given us comfort, given us counsel, helped us find our confidence and our faith again. and for those people, i so, so grateful and amazed at our good fortune already.

anyway...i was feeling pretty lousy and these are the things i read. because that's how god rolls.

peace

ps--for the sake of full disclosure (have you ever bought a house? were you so sick of the word "disclosure" by the end? this deal has been like that...times ten...), the book i'm still reading is "rediscover catholicism" by matthew kelly.

stay on target...

2011-11-04T13:30:00.002-05:00

geez i have such a hard time focusing these days! (example: i originally typed "geez i have fuch"...my brain was already jumping ahead to focusing, i think)

buying a house that you intend to do a whole lot of renovation to requires nerves of steal and the patience of job. and some faith. as well as a general lack of concern with how your actions are received by the sellers and their agents. it is ridiculously difficult. i have never second and third and fourth and fifth guessed myself so much in my life. my emotions have stretched so much from one direction to the next that now they are a huge pizza dough of emotions, not a perfect circle or anything, but coating everything in every direction in a sticky, heavy, gooey, doughy mess. or something like that. god willing, it will be over and decided by the end of the year...that's what i'm telling myself today.

i was reading about wisdom today. (yes, awfully ambitious of someone so emotionally spread out, huh? but seriously, i needed something besides these crazy emotions to guide me...and you know what they say about the truth will set you free?...how first it will piss you off?...anyway...)

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity." james 3:17

just writing that made my tension headache relax.

peace

sitting and remembering

2011-11-03T11:09:00.002-05:00

this is kind of cheesy after that last post i made...but whatever...when have i ever let that stop me?

there is this step stool i have. it was my grandmother's. i think she bought it with these stamps they used to give out at the local grocery store...for every increment dollar amount you'd spend, you'd get a stamp...collect them in books and redeem them for stuff. i also think this is how she got her china set that my mother just gave me. she was one thrifty grandma. so this step stool...it's carpet covered. and it has four legs...which, by the way, makes it a horribly unstable step stool. but it's a good little sitting stool. which is what i used it for. lots. i watched so many cartoons sitting on that stool at my grandmother's. so i asked for it at some point, and everyone gave it to me. (i am good at asking for things that no one else wants...it's a specialty of mine...haha)

so this morning, after scrambled eggs and piano and playing, my littlest asks for blues clues and settles herself on that sitting stool, ready to watch...just like me so many years before.

it has been a really hard time adjusting to a daughter that is so very different from me. there have certainly been lots and lots of other challenging things going on around the development of this new relationship...and i'm not even going to list any of them. but i just feel like she and i are so different...she is so much pushier, more assertive, LOUDER, not afraid of rocking the damned boat...hell, she'll flip it if that'll get her what she wants.

but this morning, when she looked up at me, smiling, waiting for blues clues, sitting, it was like looking into a mirror...a mirror that links exact images from the past and present. the girl she is and the girl i was...we aren't SO different, i guess... it was profoundly sweet.

as i type this, she is dancing to the blues clues song, doing the motions so earnestly, it's cracking me up...and she's just fallen off of the stool. i guess it's not necessarily stable for all sitters, either.

peace

stories

2011-11-03T09:14:00.003-05:00

i read this to my family two nights ago...

"The most powerful and influential position in any society is that of the storyteller. Storytellers are not just the mythical cultural icons who dress up on Thursday afternoons and read stories to your children in local libraries and bookstores. Musicians are storytellers; politicians are storytellers. Screenplay writers and business leaders are storytellers. Teachers, preachers, nurses, lawyers, priests, scientists, salespeople, artists, mothers, fathers, poets, philosophers, brothers, sisters, babysitters, grandparents...we are all storytellers.

The future belongs to the storytellers and it belongs to us. What will it be like? Well, that depends very much on the stories we tell, the stories we listen to, and the stories we live."
(from Rediscover Catholicism, p. 136)

there was more, but that's the gist of it. and it's something i've been thinking a lot about the last couple of days.

yesterday, in my religious ed class, my thirdborn wrote this on a piece of paper he put on a poster for the souls we were remembering on all souls' day..."jeanni...she died of cancer, surrounded by friends and family." i often feel that emotionally, i have gone over to the dark side. or if that's too dramatic, i've definitely gone over to the whiny, self-centered side. but somehow he learned that story. the picture he drew was sad but peaceful. sad faces, but a slight smile on jeanni's face. it was kind of crazy. like i was looking at a picture from a story that was so beautiful. and then i was like, "hey! that's me in that story...i remember..." a couple of the kids in my class stated that they couldn't participate because no one had ever died in their families. after pointing out that yes, someone has died unless their family has the secret to eternal life on earth, they clarified that they'd never KNOWN anyone who died. and i was surprised that they hadn't heard any stories of those they didn't know...those who went before them. my oldest son loves to tell his younger brothers about an uncle he knew that they were too young to remember. i can tell it makes him feel connected to the past in a way he doesn't understand but still feels compelled by. i tell them stories of my grandmother that helped raise me. i caught myself telling them a story about a grandfather that died when i was five months old...so i was handing down a story i'd been told because i never knew him either.

anyway, this is what's been on my mind lately...well, when it's not screaming in frustration, anger, exhaustion...but that's a story for another day.

peace

what to write about?

2011-10-30T12:07:00.002-05:00

what do you write about? when you've finished four years of med school, four years of residency, had two more babies, lost one of your best friends to cancer, started a homeschool co-op, run a couple of half marathons, had countless moments of "i do not think i can do this" answered with "oh, but you can...just not the way you thought you were going to"...when you realize you made it through some pretty big challenges...that life isn't easy street from here on out, but that you do have different choices to make and your resources are different and your needs have shifted and you've made it through some tough stuff, so your skill set has changed and your confidence is different...in some places humbled and in some places much stronger. it's weird. it's hard to explain.

last night i was thinking about how many different, tiny things influence how i feel by the end of the day. there was a time where i could name the important things influencing me, that i was working through in my mind, working through emotionally, that needed to be addressed and how. but last night, it occurred to me that my "sight" has changed. that i see lots and lots of things...and i know that they are affecting me...i just don't always know how. i have a lot of faith, so this doesn't bother me too much...i believe they're affecting me to become a better person. and i have to let go of steering myself so much...allow myself to be lead...and after these last eight years, i am finding this really hard to do. my spirit may be willing, but my mind and especially my body are finding the idea of surrendering difficult. i realize the tension in my neck is pretty habitual. i can't consciously address unconscious habits. well, i can. i can be aware of the habits. but i have to turn my consciousness over into a realm i am not consciously in control of to let my body work through some of the negative habits i've developed through these last few years. i don't think my words can capture it any better than that.

i was in a pretty pissy mood yesterday. it was a good day, for the most part, but tension was there...and i wasn't even resisting it...which i think was progress, to be honest. i think i have so many layers of tension and denial layered, that i won't ever be able to consciously address all of it, hence my surrender to faith that it can be resolved without my mind sifting through each loose end and tying it up. there are just so many things i am ready for...more room, more organization, more time, more leisure, more fun, more togetherness...less stress, less loneliness, less anxiety, less haphazard, less mess, less work toward just surviving. but i do not know how that looks or if that's really what's coming or if i'm missing the real opportunity by wishing what i think the gifts would be on this leg of the journey. so i am trying to stay open. but i have so many habits that keep me closed, protected, focused, productive, surviving...it is challenging to stay open. i am afraid of being hurt if i am open. and when i am hurt, it's hard to get over it, because in my mind, i am chastising and blaming myself for getting hurt because i was so open. it is a vicious cycle that has lead to me being clammed up tight to everyone but maybe my sister and my friend lana. poor sister and lana. well, there was also the therapist i've been seeing for almost four years (gulp...did i really just type that?) and my husband.

anyway, i guess this is what you write about at a time like this. something like this.

peace

small update

2011-10-29T12:17:00.002-05:00

i just feel like i have to come back and post that the mama at the hospital in my previous post? the one my spouse was losing hope that she would avoid cesaerean as her labor dragged on and she fatigued? she delivered vaginally. healthy baby, despite a long, long, long hard labor. happy dance...

peace

smiles and some faith

2011-10-27T23:44:00.004-05:00

this is the picture i have as my wallpaper on my computer. my youngest child, my daughter, is such a beautiful child. all my kids are beautiful...even the teenagers. :) she looks a lot like her brothers at this age. the way she has changed our lives...the way she has changed her brothers' lives...it's a miracle. what annie would call a brown paper bag miracle. nothing extravagant or flashy. not even monumental in a given moment. but when you stand back and look at the whole picture, it is amazing. her oldest brother, who held her and rocked her when she was a newborn and infant, is now running seventy-nine yard touchdowns on an eighty yard field (after a month or so of some very intense soul searching and heavy angst-ing as we can only really do as teens...that angst-ing that immobilizes us at a time when we are, truly, only responsible for the small, albeit overwhelming, responsibilities that center on us). her other brothers, so accustomed to being lead by the oldest, have built a net around her as they've figured out what to do with themselves with their oldest brother gone at school most of the day. our whole family has figured out how to function in such a different capacity in the last year...a school schedule not our own (yes, that typical school schedule us homeschoolers are so relieved to not be subjected to? that one...), a baby that no longer sleeps and eats and poops...she has such a strong will and now has the words to boss us around (albeit very charmingly), a dad who has to find his way as an independent ob/gyn...searching for the balance of time and responsibility in his new job...all of his ideals colliding with the reality of the institution he practices medicine in...the truth of his habits and his needs and where they match up and oh yes, my personal favorite, where they don't...a mom worn out by the demands of so many things changing...trying to support everyone but not doing a great job of it...confronting that familiar demon of the pride that says she should be able to do it herself and the exhaustion that says oh no, you can't...another teen who has grown to be tallest, although he is, in fact, the second born...and all of his responsibilities that have shifted as a result of the oldest being gone and his own life moving forward, the third born...my preteen (this year, anyway)...growing into his body that is now on the puberty train...the delight he's finding in more school work and his younger siblings and his friends, and my youngest son...always so pleasant and willing to go along with whatever the day brings...filling quiet moments with searching, delightful questions like "what was your favorite part of today, mom?" and "what were you good at when you were my age?" and "what's your favorite thing to cook?"...and i know he will ask me to cook my favorite thing to cook...it's who he is. each of these children is so changed by each other. like the buddhist's say about rocks polishing each other.

we are looking at buying a house. THE house, it could be. or not. it is exhausting to think about and consider and weigh and contemplate. it is a wonderful opportunity, and i am grateful. and it is a huge responsibility to consider, and i am sobered. it is the end of a long day, and i am worn the heck out. but this picture made me smile. on a night where i am missing my husband so much...he is at the hospital...he's been there waiting on a mama whose labor stalled...but right as they were getting ready to call for a c-section, her cervix started changing. so he climbed aboard the "let's wait and see what nature can do" train...and missed that seventy-nine yard touchdown that his oldest will probably be riding the high of for weeks...and will probably end up doing the c-section anyway because that mama's body is worn out and while he's going to sleep at the hospital to give her more time, he's not feeling hopeful that they're going to avoid the o.r. he doesn't mind. it's the job he signed up for. and he'll have enough congratulations and hugs to share once he's home and awake that the teenager probably won't even remember that his dad missed his biggest moment this season. but i will. and myhusband will. and a part of us will tear up. because while people make easy assumptions about doctors and ob/gyns...their haste and what motivates it...their short-sightedness and how it hurts others...their financial comfort and the apathy it cultivates...we're living the life. it may not be the life every ob/gyn lives...but it is, in fact, the authentic life of an ob/gyn and the family who loves him.

i have a good friend who is facing some changes in the life she and her family are living...changes that are wonderful and nerve-wrecking. she posted today that she was holding tight to her husband's hand and taking a leap of faith. it made me tear up to read that. i know exactly what she means. if i had to say what a leap of faith looked like, tonight...i'd say it looks a lot like the picture i just posted.

peace

twice in one week!

2011-09-15T10:50:00.003-05:00

i met my cce class last night. sixth graders. i was a little intimidated. but i shouldn't have been. they were great. i think we'll learn a lot together.

speaking of learning...i've been reading a book called "rediscovering catholicism." i felt, when i first bought it, like a cheater of sort. i wasn't born catholic, so i didn't know that i could actually claim to be REdiscovering catholicism. i always feel like i'm just discovering it in the first place. but it turns out that this is a pretty perfect book for me. i am enjoying it very much.

so here are a couple of quotes i harvested from part 1...

"The cause of much of this confusion is the unprecedented proliferation of words, symbols, images, and every manner of communication in the latter part of the twentieth century. People are tired; they are worn out, overloaded with information, and overwhelmed with the social, political, and economic climate. They are not striving to thrive; they are merely trying to survive. This is a tired culture." (p31)

"Love is the core of Jesus' philosophy. But in order to love you must be free. For to love is to give your self freely and without reservation. Yet, to give your self--to another person, to an endeavor, or to God--you must first possess your self. This possession of self is freedom. It is a prerequisite for love, and is attained only through discipline." (p45)

i also really liked that the author divided our legitimate needs into four categories: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. it really meant something to me so actually read emotional needs as a legitimate need.

oh, i also really liked this quote..."Freedom is not the ability to do whatever you want. Freedom is the strength of character and the self-possession to do what is good, true, noble, and right. Therefore, freedom without discipline is impossible. Strength of character is not stumbled upon in life's moments of need and temptation. Character is built little by little, over days, weeks, months, and years, with thousands of small and seemingly insignificant acts of discipline. Self-possession is not an unearned right; it is the privilege of the few who build it, defend it, and celebrate it by disciplining themselves." (p44)

i guess these quotes alone sound really intense...like a drill sergeant or something. but the book is really full of a lot of hope and inspiration.

i guess these quotes just stood out to me because i do feel worn out and conflicted and sad about modern culture. not because i think we're all headed to hell in a hand basket because i don't believe that. but because of what that first quote talks about...the surge of communication...and for me, when i look at this culture, particularly the advertising. so much of the communication seen today, by adults and children, is put out there by someone trying to make a profit off of the emotions they're able to appeal to. and while i don't think that's particularly wrong, i do think it can be dangerous. especially when children today often can't tell the difference between a commercial and fact. i know some adults who can't, myself included. and i don't believe it's a question of intelligence. daily, i work through things i've believed that weren't true...things i "bought" from some company who wanted my money. i don't believe those companies ever meant to influence who i am at my core. but because the communication is so pervasive...because we are surrounded by those messages...some of those messages reach further than our pocketbooks.

i know i have referred to my brain before as a spider monkey on speed. so trying to wrestle with it as it flits around all of these images and messages...trying to find some way to control it rather than just deal with the fall out of all that jumping around and sampling and tasting and trying on...that's where this book is helping me. i don't have all the answers yet...or even a couple of them. but i'll sit and read, i'll pray, i'll exercise, and i'll love. i may never be an extremely learned or accomplished woman, but i will master the basics.

peace

small check in of sorts

2011-09-13T00:15:00.005-05:00

i wish i had time to write the blogs that come to me at night. but i am just too tired on most nights. tonight i am tired. but i am up because my husband went to the hospital for the delivery of a mama who ended up having a successful vbac. now he's waiting on another mama who's at 6cms and plus 1. he'll catch up on dictations and sleep at the hospital until she's ready to have a baby "in her own time"...those were his words. and i respect him so much for saying that. believe me, as the wife at home, with the five kids, who's not seen much of him in the last 24 hours, i can't help but think about all those things that doctors use to augment labors...speed 'em up, make 'em stronger. as a woman, a mother, a birther...i generally find those things suspect. but as the wife...well...my stance doesn't really change. but i'd lie if i didn't say it weakened for about 45 seconds tonight. ultimately, i'm glad my husband is the kind of ob/gyn he is. and i'm thankful for the faith we share...in god, in life, and in childbirth. oh, and marriage, too...i'm glad for the faith we share in marriage.

i taught philosophy today. for the first time in three years. and i totally over shot the kids' ages. went completely over their heads. but luckily, they are pretty good-natured kids and they went along with me. also luckily, i am a fairly flexible educator who is not so proud that i can't admit i did a pretty crappy job of sharing the journey of philosophizing with these kiddos. but we did read emily dickinson together, so i won't call it a complete wash. i am looking forward to next week and laying it out a little differently...i think we will all enjoy it more.

my kids had a great time at co-op today, though. all four of them. (sniff, sniff...i will admit here that it does make me a little sad that my oldest isn't there. i know we all made the right choice in changing his educational path. listening to him talk about the things that he does in a day, the decisions he faces, the opportunities he's been given since last spring...and hearing him say that even though these things stretch him, that he feels like he's gaining discipline...i know it was the right choice. even though i still miss all of us learning and living together.) i have to say, i think the youngest had the best time of all. she loved playing on the playground, she loved singing songs time, she loved snack, and when it was just playtime and mama had to go teach, she kissed me "bye" and kept playing. she was also pretty darned cute before we even got there, all dressed for her day at co-op, sitting at the table eating her oatmeal. and she fell asleep before we were even home. (and proceeded to pop wide awake when we got home...i guess she wanted to be sure we didn't bring home more co-op and risk missing it?...) it was a good day.

also, my oldest has been going through some things in his personal life. that place we all visit sometimes where we are so over scheduled with things that mean so much to us individually, but sometimes pile up and we can't even remember why the hell we signed up for so much anymore. plus a girlfriend. who is in a similar place. (make a note...is this just first month of school is behind us and the newness has worn off and reality is settling in? must watch for this next year...) but he really opened up through a lot of this. young relationships are so interesting. i've learned so much being able to watch his from this perspective in years. remembered things from when i was a teen. realized things that impacted my reality that i had absolutely no awareness of at the time. and craziness of all craziness, he's actually wanted to hear some of my thoughts. (i guess when we're down, we'll take anything that someone might offer?...lol)

i also wanted to write down that yesterday was september 11th. we went to church. the readings yesterday were all about forgiveness...pretty challenging readings about forgiveness. and our new priest, who i have so much respect for, didn't back down from the message of the day. it was challenging and powerful. i wanted to post the readings, but i'm not organized enough for that. but i will say that fr. james talked about how the church didn't choose the readings for that day. how our readings are laid out in a three year cycle. he said how some people may say that those particular readings falling on september 11th was coincidental. but he said it was providential. i am grateful fr. james has come to our church. i see every member listening to what he has to say as he speaks. it is awesome to have a leader we are all following. but he always reminds us that we are journeying with him and we have a responsibility to him as he does to us. it's been a powerful two and a half months that he's been with us. i hope he stays for awhile.

and that's about it. i mean, there's more. but it's late. later than i've been up in awhile. and i still have to bring my dogs in. and tomorrow is a new day.

peace

weather

2011-09-08T23:15:00.003-05:00

the winters where i'm living now have made me realize how hungry i get for green by the end of them. we don't have particularly harsh winters...a lot of people vacation here for winters. but the grass gets brown, the leaves fall off the trees, and it gets pretty desolate if you're looking for some green.

i guess the green means life to me. lush. wet. succulent, even. it smells good. it blows in the breeze. and during the winter, when i run on my treadmill and look out my window, i am thirsty for green.

but this summer, we've been in one of the worst droughts in our history. it's so dry, we've had wildfires burning acres of land, houses. there is not a whole lot of green outside right now. there are still leaves on trees, and they blow in the breeze that often feels like a blow drier on its hot setting. but there have been trees whose leaves are wilting...trees dying because it is so, so dry.

so while i thought i had learned to appreciate the winter as a fallow time, a time that made me treasure the not-winter time (come on, this is texas...two seasons and all that jazz), this year has been just a fallow year for the most part. there have been some small oases of coolness...we're in one right now. and those days almost make my toes curl with joy at how pleasant it is to be outside.

but i have to say, the weather has made me (as most things do) reflect on life. my life, since it's the handiest and the one i have the most experience with. it's been some dry times around here...emotionally, financially, emotionally. but during this time, i have to say, i have found a faith that has sustained me. not a faith that has made things pleasant...like the cool breeze that blows in the morning and night right now. but a faith that has simply sustained me. it didn't keep me from being irritable. it didn't keep me from saying and doing things i have to make amends for, regain the ground i lost during, find a new rhythm because i completely lost mine. but it kept me grounded. and it has kept me centered to the point that i feel like i can keep going. (and believe me, the beer i was using for awhile to make it through the fallow time...it was not leaving me feeling much like i could keep going. the anger and frustration and blame i was leaning on...it didn't leave much light at the end of my tunnels either.)

so while i don't believe the weather was constructed just for me to learn this lesson...i'll take what i've been given...the light...the peace...the love...and the breeze, oh, the breeze...

peace

we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

2011-08-17T21:56:00.005-05:00

this has been a really, really crappy week...like hellishly crappy. but i got a package in the mail today. from a friend who sews. and she sews really, really cute stuff. so i bought something for a really cute little girl who happens to live at my house...

(never mind that she makes me want to drink vodka straight from the bottle...that's really not that important...)

she couldn't decide if she liked it more as a skirt or as a top. thanks cor...love ya.

peace

running

2011-08-02T09:17:00.004-05:00

i miss blogging. i have a few entries i've written but not posted. when i read them they feel contrived, like i'm trying too hard. that's how i feel like i'm living at times, to be honest.

but i've been running. well, not as regularly as i was, but i've managed to keep from taking any months long breaks. five days here...four there. but i manage to get myself back up on the treadmill. partly because i know it's good for me. but also because it just makes my head a better place to live...it does so much for me to burn that energy, sweat that sweat, breathe that pace. i think i've called it an energy enema. it's also good for my mind because i'm practicing clearing it...not making lists or working through stuff, but just letting it be clear while i run. i admit there are days part of me wants to just drink a beer instead of running. but i've refrained lately.

i registered for the austin livestrong half marathon next year. the fact that it's a livestrong event this time, and not a rock-n-roll event (although i LOVED running austin when it was a r-n-r event) is significant to me after losing two friends close to my age to cancer in the last year. i feel those women running with me, weird as it sounds. i know they are cheering me on. my friend patsy is also talking about running with me, as well as my sister, and i've asked my friend lana if she's interested. love my thirteen mile parties...

yesterday was my friend jeanni's birthday. i've been a little low lately...not necessarily down or sad, just working through some stuff..."doing my work" as jeanni would call it. when faced with the "run or drink a beer?" question last night, i ran. two miles. one for jeanni and one for me. happy birthday, mama jeanni. sometimes i feel you closer than i ever have. other times i am emptied by your loss. i hope you had one heck of a birthday party.

peace

brain taffy

2011-05-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

because, you know, it's a little more work for the brain than just, say, normal candy...

a good, good friend sent me this quote...

"If you feel no sense of God's presence within you when you pray, why worry? There is no precise dividing-line between emptiness and fullness, any more than between doubt and faith, or fear and love."

i love this.

peace

mother's day and stuff

2011-05-09T08:32:00.002-05:00

here's a picture of my oldest and me. this is the night of his first prom. he's a sophomore. there had been some drama with his girlfriend in the week leading up to prom, but he is a wise one, and he'd decided to let that go and enjoy this event. i think he had a blast. i wasn't sure if it was inappropriate to ask if i could take a picture with him before his date had even seen him yet (hey, i'm working out the boundaries on this "having a young adult for your child" deal...). anyway, he assured me that it was absolutely fine. he looks a lot like his dad. i sent my mom a picture of him and his date and she said it reminded her of when my spouse and i used to hang out in high school (but we never dated in high school...).

mother's day was good. all those years i told my spouse that he didn't really have to get me anything?...it's a lot more fun when they get you something. and if you can get them all to go to church with you and then out to dinner, it's most excellent.

but i have a sick one at home. and life has settled some. so i am looking forward to the week.

peace out

trying

2011-05-05T11:11:00.003-05:00

i was telling my sister and my friend lana (and my husband....i know the list seems long, but really, it stops at three) that i was trying something new this week. it started last weekend...i really don't remember how exactly it was born in my brain anymore...but i just thought to myself, "i need to stop TRYING so hard. i am making myself miserable. i need to just LET IT BE. quit TRYING."

now, there had been a fight with my husband last weekend...over travel plans and his need to make them at that exact moment and not be able to understand why i couldn't go along (which was because i wanted to wait a day or two to know exactly what my sister's plans were...obviously...). anyway...he wanted me to be one way, i needed to be another. and this, alone, does not create misery. misery comes, for me, when i want to be the person he wants me to be and have a hard time letting myself be the person i need to be. so maybe that's where i decided to quit trying. or maybe it had to do with my inability to stay on top of laundry folding. i have no idea, really.

but my mantra this week has been, "wait a minute....are you TRYING again? stop trying." and i admit that i do not always understand the relevance of that phrase to every situation that has brought it into my mind....but it's working for me.

oh, you know what? another incarnation of this phrase came into my mind at church on sunday...now i remember! well, i was technically outside the church with a baby girl who no longer feels the need to nurse quietly or play quietly or sit quietly or do anything quietly when church is going on. and it's okay during the singing parts, which thankfully, our mass has a lot of. but, as it is church, there are still parts where they read from the bible and talk about those readings. and those talking parts? well, it would be nice if everyone else would be silent. even the cute little girl the whole congregation has watched grow into this loud, boisterous toddler. so we were outside. and i was cataloguing all of my failures...all of my shortcomings...all of the reasons that i am unhappy and must stand outside with a frustrated baby and her frustrated mommy (oh wait, i am the frustrated mommy...) anyway, i was contemplating "what i have done, and what i have failed to do" and all that jazz. i was not born catholic. but i have the guilt of a natural catholic. only oddly, it's my catholic faith that's allowed me to let go of some of that guilt and self-loathing that come so naturally to me. but i digress... as i was walking my baby girl outside, thinking about how i didn't even DESERVE to sit in the church because i could not get my schedule right so that my baby would be tired and therefore just be quiet during mass (and can i just say how odd it is to me that i want to be in mass?...i mean, it's another post altogether, but i used to think screaming kids were the perfect excuse to get out of mass...), it occurred to me that god loves me already, loud baby, mean voices in my head, bad relationships, messy-ass house, too-much-television-watching kids, and all.

anne lamott has this passage in grace (eventually), in a story called nudges...

"Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I've had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn't mean there's less for me. In fact, I know that there isn't even a pie, that there's plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.

But I don't believe it for a second.

I secretly believe there's a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing a fork."

and man, can i ever relate to that. so maybe "stop trying" is my way of stopping myself from trying to earn that slice of pie that i don't even need...because there's already one on my plate (and i've probably already had ten or twelve slices already, to boot).

i do tend to eat as though i don't think there will be enough. last night, i had been all over the place emotionally. my sil had called to give me some great news about some progress she was making in her family...men who are angry but won't talk...she'd gotten them to talk. there were lots of "fuck"s thrown in there, but they were also talking, and she and i giggled and clucked with wonder and gratitude and though we had babies who'd just taken steps (it was seriously exciting stuff). then i started working over some things for a local gig i do, the dynamics, processing what has been done, bla bla bla. and somewhere in there, i remembered to "stop trying." and the sense of urgency, the anxiety, what anne calls "the jungle drums" calmed. then i sent sick kids to piano. that felt guilty. but then they came back with medals and we went to sonic's happy hour and got tanked on slushies and diet dr. pepper. happy times. then i went to church and that was awesome...prayed a rosary with my kids' cce class, had ice cream, then went with the high schoolers and heard a speaker on prayer and had some adoration time. i felt pretty zen after that. came home to find an email from my sister...when her foster childrens' parents had their rights terminated, a distant uncle came forward to attempt to adopt the kids. they've never met him. he"s never met them. but the child protective services in their area places reunification with family as a priority. so he began the process. people "in the know" seemed to feel it would take too long for him to be approved...that the kids would already by adopted by my sister and her partner by the time he was through the paper work. but we found out last night that he's been approved. and my sister is scared. and oh, oh did i want to TRY...zen moment was gone...i wanted to try to make it better, try to fix it, try to DO SOMETHING. but i remembered, "don't try." and i lit my candle. and i prayed. and then i told my sister it was going to be okay. because i believe that. (now my sister, she's still TRYING....lol....but maybe she's got a better relationship with trying...and i'd be okay with that...most days.). anyway, after all of that up and down, i just started shoving food into my mouth, bite after bite, barely chewing between. it was kind of sad actually. especially since i'd already finished dinner (and i'd already had seconds at dinner, you know?). but then i stopped trying...stopped trying to numb it, feed it, dull it, fill it, change it. (i did, in the interest of full disclosure, have a beer at that point) but i stopped trying and i still managed to make it through to today. amazing, huh?

but maybe not everyone gets that neck-clawing, desperate feeling like SOMETHING has to change before you DIE. maybe that's just me. but relieving myself of responsibility for changing the situation, allowing myself to accept it, watch it from outside the situation, not be defined by the situation...it lets me breathe. and we all know our brains work better when they're well oxygenated.

so that whole "if at first you don't succeed, try and try again"?...well, i've amended it. my version goes "if at first you don't succeed, take a breather...ask yourself why you feel the need to succeed at this and whether accomplishing this is really the kind of success you want...you'll know what to do once you've given yourself a chance to think about it."

peace

ps--i know this one's a tad bit random and disjointed and that it rambles on for awhile...but, well, you know what i'm going to say, right? yeah. not trying.

life goes on...

2011-04-26T12:15:00.004-05:00

another friend of mine died today. a mother of three...her children are gorgeous. married...her husband isn't too shabby either. daughter, sister, friend...all those things. beautiful, funny, caring, strong, smart, compassionate...pretty much your standard amazing woman. much like jeanni.

it is hard to face the sunshine of the day when you know someone amazing has died. but as anne lamott says, we're all terminal on this bus. and i know that. there are amazing people who die everyday. probably every minute. maybe even every second.

but i think about those kids without a mama. a big blank spot where their biggest cheerleader, support, lover, critic, mender, driver, teacher, nurse maid is supposed to be. and i ache.

i'm not sure exactly why i ache though. i mean yes, it is hard to imagine not having my mother...or my stepmother. they're both kind of crazy and nutty...neither of them is a perfect fulfillment of all of those things i just listed. i'm not a perfect fulfillment either. i carry around equal parts determination to be the person i have envisioned in my head and guilt because i'm not. so maybe i ache because i know that in the end, being imperfect is what matters...is what we (as mothers) have to offer and what we (as children) need. so why do i ache?

i know that there are other people who will love my friend's children in her absence. she, like jeanni, was one of those women who taught you things about life that prepared you for her death...that didn't allow you to wallow in despair or hopelessness...to do so only ended up making you feel kind of stupid in the presence of someone with so much vitality and determination and spirit. maybe it was because she had already beaten hodgkin's lymphoma...which she delayed treatment of so she could progress with her first pregnancy and carry her oldest to term. maybe because she'd been a bone marrow donor when her second born was only four months old...to her sister, who had leukemia...and sent that disease into remission. maybe it was because of events i never got to hear the stories of, never got to watch her face while she told them. i don't know. but she made life seem like something great and wonderful and fulfilling...something that even though we never seemed to get quite right, wasn't it delightful trying?...

and a person like that attracts other people like that. when i would visit her facebook page, i would be overwhelmed by the force of the people supporting her. the kind of people who would organize galas or direct girls' schools. they organized and directed prayers for her, good wishes to her, telling her to rest, put her faith in god, everyone to pray. and i did. i still am. i'm sure anyone who read those words did as those women directed. it was good medicine.

and she died today. just like jeanni died in december.

it is humbling to realize that my prayers didn't keep these women alive. it is flat out frightening to realize that their incredible spirits, their intelligence, their beauty, their amazing kids and spouses and lives...that those things didn't keep them alive either. well, i should clarify...didn't keep them alive in body. because i KNOW that they are alive in spirit. in a way i never felt when they were still housed by their bodies. (although, make no mistake, i miss the friends i had here on earth in these women...)

and maybe that's why i ache. because i know we don't have to be here to be here. but we are stuck here...until we're set free to go there...and we always leave part of us anywhere anyone we've loved is. and this is scary. and mixes things up inside of me...things i believe...things i don't realize i believe...things i'm not ready to confront...things i'm comfortable in...things, things, things.

this is definitely one of those times when words fail...when it's better to let things change before i try to identify them, capture them, control them with words.

but i know i love being a mother. and one of the hardest parts of being a mother is raising my kids not to need me, to go on without me, because i know my presence in their lives will always change until eventually i die. and experiencing the death of two wonderful mothers makes the certainty and uncertainty of that truth real in a way that hurts inside.

i love those women...then and now. it is strange to me how much love i feel from them after their deaths. i didn't expect it. part of me feels afraid to allow life to go on as though they haven't left...or as though they were never here...how can we possibly go on without them? but another part of me knows that my understanding of life and what it is is changing...and while it is scary to let go of what i thought i knew...it would be a damned shame to not be changed by the lives and deaths of these two amazing women.

so i will keep going...watching and waiting...

peace

growing up

2011-04-20T17:35:00.001-05:00

"Age itself is weird. Everything gets solidified and liquefied at the same time." (anne lamott, of course)

yep. this is what i was noticing...

peace

self righteousness you could crack walnuts on

2011-04-19T18:00:00.005-05:00

i love that line. but i'm getting ahead of myself...

i've had a crappy couple of days. that difference in management paradigms and philosophies of life that i mentioned in the last blog? there is a friendship here that spills over into many parts of my life...it's a small town. and i have been really hurt by this person (who, as things usually seem to go, also feels upset by me...or, well...she did...now that she's gotten it all off of her chest, maybe she feels better...i don't know...). anyway...i often feel torn in these situations. i want to fire back the ways that she's hurt me, betrayed my trust, wrecked my peace. (i am laughing as i type this...i swear, i am so melodramatic...) but i do really feel hurt. and i do really want to tell her. but i am too angry right now. so i will wait. until i can be honest and state how i feel without inserting some passive aggressive bullshit that will only make things worse. (not that how i honestly feel is guaranteed to improve the situation, but sometimes we must take that step forward in faith....right?........right?!?!)

anyway, i've been working on cooling down. for almost two full days now. it's hard...cooling down. and like some folks who offer up their prayer and then find a random passage in the bible and see how it speaks to them...sometimes, on really bad nights, i offer up my horrible insides and find a random anne lamott essay and see what it has to tell me. now, i've read anne lamott's books many times. so it is not unusual for me to be familiar with whatever essay i randomly choose. last night, the essay i randomly chose was called "the carpet guy"...and yes, i was familiar with this essay. like that feeling when you know you're going to hear a story from your mother...a story you've heard again and again...and you know it's lesson...and you also know it's relevance to whatever has prompted your mother to tell it this time...but you also know you're going to have to listen to the whole story and let the lesson unfold word by word, pause by pause... that's how i felt when i saw the essay was "the carpet guy." but, like a good girl who always eventually takes her medicine when she's told, i read the essay.

i have to admit, when i got to the line that said "you could have cracked walnuts with my self-righteousness," i knew i was in the right place. the fact that the author can admit this about herself makes it so much easier to confront the same truth in me. i mean truly, i was pretty worked up when i sat down to read...ranting in my head...indignant about the responsibility for her hurt feelings laid at my feet while my feelings went trampled or ignored...i may have even been heaping on other times i felt similarly that didn't have all that much to do with the present situation...you know, like when my mom accused me of saving my lunch money to buy joints with, only i thought drugs cost thousands of dollars...i might've thrown on a few unrelated injustices...i mean, maybe...

but then the essay went on to say,

"Jesus doesn't hold this against a person. His message is that we're all sort of nuts and suspicious and petty and full of crazy hungers, and everything feels awful a lot of the time, but even so--one's behavior needs to be better. One needs to be decent. So I would try."

can i just say that sometimes it annoys the hell out of me how anne does that? reels you in with a perfectly good line about cracking walnuts on one's self-righteousness, and then clobbers you with some sense of sisterhood and a personal commitment to try harder. it's enough to make me drink gin. (ha!)

anyway...that last part i quoted...it made me cry. because i could relate to it. and i so badly wanted the message to be that this other person's behavior needed to be better. (oh how i wanted to MAKE her behave better...really, it's awful stuff that comes out me sometimes.) but i knew it was my behavior that needed to be better. and it made me cry. because i knew i could do better.

by the way, this essay is in a book called grace (eventually). when you open my book, which anne signed right in front of me (i'dliketomention), you find this inscription...

February 16, 2008
Marci,
You gave this book to yourself the evening before you ran the Austin Half Marathon. May you keep meeting challenges with grace, humor, and faith.
peace,
Yourself

yeah...what i said.

peace

my best pair of comfortable jeans

2011-04-15T10:09:00.006-05:00

i talked to an old friend the other day...one i hadn't spoken to in years. when we were talking, she mentioned she'd been reading anne lamott, and i said, "yeah, she's still like my best pair of comfy jeans." (i'm sure anne would shiver with flattery at that compliment...)

anyway, yesterday kind of sucked. combine too little sleep, with the first day of your period, and throw in some clash of management and basic philosophies of life in a capacity that feels very close to your heart, and you get a pretty sucky day by most standards (which is my way of saying, "i don't think i was being overly sensitive on this one") so at the end of the day, when i was drunk with exhaustion (and not the kind of drunk that makes dancing on the table to your new favorite song sound exciting), i grabbed my best pair of comfy jeans. i opened to an essay called "dear old friend," which seemed strangely appropriate. here's the first paragraph of anne's essay...

"We turn toward love like sunflowers to the sun, and then the human parts kick in. This seems to me the only real problem, the human parts--the body, for instance, and the mind. Also, the knowledge that every person you've loved will die---many badly, and too young--doesn't really help things. My friend Marianne once said that Jesus has everything we have, but he doesn't have all the other stuff, too. And the other stuff leaves you shaking your sunflower head your whole life through."

amen to that, sister.

peace

a prayer

2011-04-13T09:38:00.003-05:00

i'm reading this book called "reading between the lines: the hidden wisdom of women in the gospels." someone was saying the other day how people often perceive the catholic church to be anti-women...but how women are the only ones who look good in the new testament...how all the disciples are bumbling, backstabbing, pathetic guys and the women are all faithful and observant and understanding. it made me remember this book i bought a long time ago, and i dug it out of the "stacks of books i am going to read some day" and started reading it that night. and this seemed appropriate as it is lent. and while i'd been listening to christian radio this lent, i have to admit, i was getting a little bored of the same forty songs or so...so this book was a welcomed new avenue for expanding my knowledge, understanding, and, always ultimately, faith.

it has been a slow, deliberate-feeling kind of lent. not that all of my actions have been deliberate...i'm pretty much still flying along at my normal pace, only able to give my normal amount of consideration to the things i pass (and normal is kind of, well, notsofabulous). but it sure feels like the world around me is working in a deliberate way. it's a longer lent than usual...46 days...at least that's what my kids tell me...and i believe they're right...at least it feels that way.

i don't usually share a lot about my faith. christians have gotten sort of a bad rap (and hey, i know it was deserved in a number of instances). and i'm not trying to force my faith on anyone...i believe choice is important. but i do want to share my faith so people can maybe see there are christians who just want to love you, not change you...you know? anyway, i thought this was a beautiful prayer, so i'm going to put it here....(it's from the book i mentioned...)

"Jesus, even before you were born, you revealed the Father's love to the poor and simple. You revealed that you are present in our ordinary life, and you are present when we help and love one another. True worship has become the gift of self to others in humble service to the God of love, present in every human being. You have come close, so close to us, closer than we are to ourselves. Open our eyes to your hidden presence in the least of our brothers and sisters. Help us to see that others bring you to us. Give us the joy to reign with you by serving others, especially through the service of forgiveness. Let us bring your understanding and compassionate love to all who are burdened, especially to those burdened by guilt. Let us bring your hope to all who feel that you are distant or, worse yet, nonexistent."

one of my nephews is one of my daughter's godfathers. (his brother is her other godfather, but i'm not looking to talk about him right now.) my dh and i chose this particular nephew because the week before he was going to be confirmed as a catholic, i was chatting with him on facebook and i asked him if he was ready. he asked me if he had a choice and i told him oh yes, you always have a choice. and he laughed (i tell my nephews and my kids that a lot...that they always have a choice...good choices, bad choices...it's up to them) and said yes, he was ready. i asked him why he was choosing to be catholic, what it meant to him...and he said, to him, being catholic meant serving others. and right then and there, all this confusion and conflict within me about my faith and religion and where the two meet just settled down and made sense. the path became lit by this one simple light. all the doubts and the pride and the fears fell into the shadows.

the catholic faith is not perfect. the sex scandals of ten years ago are not nearly as great as the scandals and corruption of previous centuries. but just as people do not want to be defined by their mistakes...but they can be changed so positively by terrible mistakes...mistakes that hurt people and change lives...yet still great things can result from them...so i believe the church grows. and she's so old...how can you not feel a little bit of affection for her? (don't answer that...i know how a lot of people cannot feel one iota of affection for the catholic church...it was rhetorical, i swear...)

anyway, i'm going to go watch them crucify my son tonight. we're walking the stations of the cross and my second born is playing jesus. it makes me feel a little wobbly in my stomach (i know, i know...roll your eyes at my melodrama). i told my second born that it made me nervous to think they'd be "crucifying" him and he looked at me like i was speaking a different language (which is unusual for my second born...he's usually pretty in tune with other's feelings). i explained i'd have a little better understanding of mary...hoping he'd "get" what i was saying...and he still looked so confused. so i said, "look, we all know how to the story ends....you die!" and he just looked at me and said, "no mom, resurrection."

thank god i have these smart kids to teach me stuff.

peace

words, words, words

2011-04-07T12:24:00.005-05:00

can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...

i used to think that writing helped me to organize my thoughts...calm my thoughts...kind of help them get into the habit of getting into a line and proceeding orderly through my mouth, or my fingers, or at any rate, my head.

now i'm not so sure. maybe it's only when i'm able to think calmly (somewhat), orderly (sort of)...when my mind is still (so to speak) and peaceful (you know, moreso than the kindergarten room)...that i'm able to write.

i notice lately that i think in pictures. i don't think i used to do that. and sometimes, i think in great, whirling stretches of nothingness...but believe me, there are big things going on in that nothingness. it's like when you're at the beach and a giant cloud passes over your head...it's not that there's nothing behind the cloud...and the cloud contains many things...but the cloud isn't, say, a bird, or a ray or sunlight, or any of the other things you're used to seeing in the sky over the beach. or something like that.

anyway...i miss writing. i miss that affirmation that my mind is working, that i can still put words together and make sentences. talking can be so tiring. and sometimes, i talk too much or too loud or too fast. (maybe that's why it's tiring?) and writing is just so soothing.

but lately, when i sit here and look at my little blog (when i'm putting my runs in my run tracker), either i can't think of a single thing to write or, i find myself wanting to write something, but then, as i think about what i want to write, i begin to provide all of this context, background info, explanation, asides about how i feel about it, tangents...and before one word gets typed, there's already a traffic jam in my head and i can't even remember what my original thought was.

there have been a few nights that i've composed blogs in my head that i actually wished i had typed up on my blog. but i'm so tired these days and sleep usually wins out over trying to recover the feeling and train of thought that was what started the whole piece.

i should say...i like the silence. i do. there's a suzanne vega song that says, "if language were liquid, it would be rushing in. instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be." i used to like that song a lot. but it occurs to me that the song is about a shared silence, between to people (hence the word "we," right?). and what i've learned to appreciate is the silence in me...alone. i mean hey, it is not a place i want to live forever and ever amen. i don't plan on moving my underwear in the top drawer here or anything. but it's okay to visit...i'm actually quite comfortable here.

(but it makes for a crappy blog, doesn't it? lol)

peace

what works

2011-01-27T23:01:00.004-06:00

my friend jeanni, who is often in my thoughts, used to tell me we all had to do our work. i spend a lot of time thinking about my work...doing my work. i spend a lot of time talking to my friend lana as we plan out how to accomplish and balance our work...our successes, our failures, our feelings of being overwhelmed or under appreciated, our moments of humility and empowerment, being tired or feeling frighteningly capable. my work for the last number of years has been managing a family while my spouse goes to medical school and completes a residency. i have homeschooled our four when we started and now five children. i have moved to two different houses. i have started a homeschooling co-op, run two half marathons, worked with high schoolers at my new church, helped out and coached robotics teams, paid bills, hosted birthday parties, managed doctor appointments, attended dinners, funerals, weddings, birthday parties, taken the car in when it needed, bought all or most of the christmas gifts, tried to stay within my budget, made arrangements for when i didn't, joined a book club, sent out christmas cards, transported a high schooler to and from a technical college for a semester, made that high schooler a transcript and gotten him into high school when he was ready, taught many different classes at the co-op i started, made it through the first year with a new baby, made it to park days and play dates and other social functions for my kids...i have done a lot. yet somehow, i manage to feel, on most days, like i haven't gotten much of anything accomplished. this is something i am determined to work on...because yesterday, i ran across one of my many notebooks i use for list making. and as i looked through this notebook, i realized...i had, indeed, accomplished almost everything on those lists. and i realized that while i try to manage my life, i am often looking at what i need to do, and rarely at what i have done. and so i carry around that feeling of not getting much done and rarely the feeling of satisfaction at what i have done.

tonight, i went to book club. it was the first time in many months that i had actually read the book. and we discussed it. and talked. and visited. and it occurred to me tonight that i have been a part of this book club, a part of this group of women, for almost four years. i realized when i got home that i have spent four years getting to know these women, sharing space and life with them. i still go to book club feeling like the newbie...and i am still the newest person there. but i have been there for four years! i don't know why that surprised me so much. but maybe, after typing the first paragraph, i'm starting to understand it.

my spouse finishes his residency in five months. five more months, and then he begins a job. a job that doesn't require us to move. a job that will allow us to begin paying off the considerable debt we've acquired on this leg of the trip. a job that will give him regular hours, allowing us to begin to settle into a routine. not that we haven't had routines in the last number of years. we've had dozens of dozens of routines. we've been flexible and adaptable and, more often than not, accepting and maybe even positive. but we've always been looking to the next step of it, preparing for the next move, open to the next round of interviews and opportunities and situations.

so tonight, i am learning to take what works. accept it. let it be. do it. it doesn't sound nearly as monumentally relieving as it was...to surrender a bit. but it was. at night, i usually make plans for what i need to get done the next day. last night, i prepared myself for dropping off the high schooler and then taking our seven year old to the eye doctor. i worked through my anxieties...or acknowledged them at least...and mentally prepared myself for what i needed to get done, my appointments and what they required for me, and made note of the time frame i needed to work in. we made it there. we made it through. lana and my sister were there for me to work through the information from the eye doctor, the plans to be made for the next steps, treatments, my feelings, etc. i am forever grateful to them for their patience and love. tonight though, when i began to make my plans for tomorrow, i made plans i have not made, consciously, in what feels like a really long time. tomorrow, i am going to spend time with my kids. my thirteen year old has some stuff to do for co-op. my other guys, i'll play with and maybe even read to. i don't know. it's open. but i will spend time with my kids. these beautiful people who have traveled along this very intense time with me. who have taught me to keep loving, forgiving, and enjoying the good moments as they come. i can't even describe how right it feels. this doing what works. i am grateful.

peace

the race

2011-01-20T17:13:00.004-06:00

"For I am already being poured out like a libation, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearance."

2Timothy 4:6-8

my aunt asked me to do a reading at my grandfather's funeral tuesday. i said i would, but i had a lot of anxiety about it for some reason, and really didn't want to do it. i knew i would. i knew i probably wouldn't stumble. but i just had some hesitation...a lot of it. not enough to say no, but enough to make me regret saying yes. anyway...this is the reading i did. this also happens to be the reading the minister chose to speak of at my friend jeanni's memorial service, just a few weeks ago. it was one of those world-quieting, god-magic moments when i realized i was being asked to do this very reading that made it feel like jeanni was there at her own memorial service...as though she'd picked that reading. but then maybe it also appealed to me so much because i run. and jeanni ran. so it just seemed so very relevant and appropriate and right.

one other thing i want to write about...even though it feels weird. the week i knew jeanni had gone on hospice, there was a night...a night that i had a little time or whatever, and so the whole "my friend is on hospice" kind of washed over me. i went outside for a bit so i could cry. jeanni taught me that crying is a great way to release energy. so i did. i cried really hard. because i knew she'd die. but most of all, i knew she knew. and that just did me in far more than any idea i might have on my own in the matter. and i knew that it would all be alright, but it just sucked so profoundly....all i could do was bawl. and then i felt jeanni standing right next to me. it was like i could see her through my tightly crying eyes, looking at me, almost smiling...and it really kind of freaked me out. she put her hand on my shoulder and said "it's going to be ok." to which i replied, in my head, "i know...but it sucks." and she just kept kind of smiling...and i felt weird to feel her so close to me. i worried that maybe she'd already died or something...but she told me again, "it's going to be ok. don't cry." to which i responded, again in my head, "i know it's going to be ok, but it's just really fucking sad right now, so can it on the 'don't cry' shit." she smiled for real and hugged me. and it was over.

at jeanni's memorial service, her sister shared that jeanni told her toward the end of her life that however things went, she was ok with it. and that things would be ok. and it felt really right to hear that. like i already knew, but it was still a gift to hear that story.

and i know it will be ok. there are a lot of times already that it is ok. but there are still times that it is not ok. and also times that it is deeply, deeply not ok. but i suppose, in the end, that is ok, too. i am getting a lot of practice at not judging things. i often think "i'm good" or "i'm not good" or "i'm tired" or "i'm whatever fill in the blank..." lately, i've just been thinking "i am." and that feels so true.

my friend jeanni taught me a lot of things that have helped me work through her death. and probably one of the most powerful things is just to let what i'm feeling work on me...not to fight it, not to avoid it, not to dull it...just to let it be, get through it, let it teach me what i need to know. it doesn't make her absence any less painful. but it does call me to be present and not hide from or in that pain. and i admit, some days i don't feel like being accountable for the light she shared. but i do the best i can...it's all i can do.

peace

play

2011-01-13T19:54:00.002-06:00

i used to have this shirt that said "play" in rainbow stripes on it. i don't know what i did with it. it was a really cool shirt.

today i played with my two youngest kids. oldest is in school now (i know, haven't written about that either). two middle guys were at robotics and a field trip. so the youngest boy and baby girl and i played. we laced things. i laced in my typical "whip stitch" fashion. my son admired it, but then showed me his favorite way to do things, and i must admit, it was cooler. so i tried that out. baby girl was a little peeved at first to not be the center of it all, but i think after awhile, even she felt the benefit of a better balance. we also read books. "i love you, stinky face" was a hit. he smiled in that way that makes you promise you're going to do this more often and you know you're going to keep that promise. it was good. very good.

my house is trashed tonight. so. totally. trashed. laundry to be folded. floor to be swept/mopped/vacuumed/pick your poison. cupcakes to be made...four dozen of them. dishes to be done. and can we just not even talk about christmas decorations? (at least i unplugged the lights today...i think the neighbors were grateful.) i need to say that it feels totally different to have a trashed house after a day of playing. like "well, sorry it's a mess, but i had important things to do...priorities, you know?" i only wish i felt like i had the energy to take care of all the stuff that needs to be done...but i'll get there. you take a step in the right direction and that gets you closer, right? although if the journey is the destination, i guess i should rethink this. i've got a number of things to rethink lately. but not this play thing. i'm pretty sure i'm right on with that.

peace

my papa

2011-01-10T20:32:00.002-06:00

my grandfather died today. my friend jeanni died less than a month ago. i haven't been able to write about jeanni. yet. and i don't exactly know what to say about papa. my mom loved him so much...said she always wanted to marry him when she was a little girl. i always thought that was really special. i loved papa, too. i was proud that he had been a policeman for 32 years, although i don't ever remember him in a uniform. my mom actually has a picture of him shaking hands with jfk. i guess i really knew him best during his retirement years. he made candle holders out of blocks of wood. he loved camping. he was kind. he seemed really gentle. i felt safe with him. i always felt like he was one of the good guys, and there were times in my younger years that i didn't feel like there were many good guys out there. he was pretty religious in his older years. he taught me how to use a concordance in a bible. he was proud when i went on retreat. he was proud of my family. then he developed dementia, and he faded. he'd grip his coffee mug almost as though he knew he'd lost his mind and just couldn't remember where he'd left it. i remember a time before he was fading where we all went to my uncle's for the fourth of july. i had three kids then. our WHOLE family was there....every.one. it was amazing. and papa (and yang-yang...yes, this is what we called my grandmother...it's ok, you can laugh) just sat there smiling and proud of the whole crazy lot of us. (and while i realize all families are crazy, i can't help but feel like my own is a special brand of crazy...) the last time he was at my house, my parents and sister brought both of my grandparents. they stopped here on the way to my uncle's. i fed them lunch. my grandmother introduced me to her husband, as though he wasn't my grandfather. really, it was cute. but my grandfather drank coffee with a tight grip. he couldn't remember my name. and he seemed kind of tense about it. like he should. like he should remember a lot of things he didn't. i played a song on my blog after that visit...the one by the dixie chicks...silent house...about a grandmother with alzheimer's, which my grandmother had. but tonight, i'll play a song my mother has always played for her father. rest in peace, papa. see you on the other side.

peace

change

2010-10-21T11:00:00.002-05:00

a few nights ago, i guess it's been over a week, i got to go to some friends' house and look through their telescope. (it was a big, big telescope) through their telescope i got to see jupiter, the dark ring around jupiter, and all four of its moons...all in one little round view...further away than i know units to quantify...there it all was...clear as day. now, i'm not a seasoned telescope viewer. i think this might be the first time i've looked through one and seen something that could be identified to me. (kind of like when other people look at ultrasound pictures and can't find the toes or the nose...but i can usually find those...) anyway, i have seen people look through telescopes on tv...and i've also seen the depictions of what they've seen on tv. (i know, i know...but i am a child of tv and a good chunk of my world has been experienced sitting on my butt looking at a box...) now, let me tell you something that happened in real life that i'd never seen on tv. jupiter kept moving out of our view finder. i'd tell someone to go look through that telescope and they would and they'd be all "yeah, they isn't anything in it." and i'd feel that despair that you feel when you are young and your toy runs out of batteries and you know it'll be forever til your mom puts new ones in...so long, you'll probably forget how to work it. but then the man who built the telescope (i used to think it was cool i had friends who knew how to knit...dude, i know someone who BUILT a telescope...) would come adjust it and there would be jupiter and all four of his moons (i know planets are usually girls, but jupiter just seemed kind of like a single dad kind of planet..). it was crazy to me. to think about how i was watching something move and change that was so huge, so otherworldly, and so far away. and that it would happen quickly enough that i could actually observe it.

last night, i took two of my kids to their religious education classes. the third, who normally goes, had team pictures for soccer, so he was going to miss class to be in the picture. my husband has been working on two major projects for the week and completely unavailable. which is fine. all of this is fine. all of this is manageable and doable and reasonable. my bil had offered to help me out, but i actually turned down his help. my plan was to pull the soccer player a little early to pick up the religious education guys and get home a little earlier than usual on a wednesday night. and everything was fine. i mean, the baby's diapers keep leaking and last night was no exception, but otherwise, it was rolling along fine. until i got to the church to pick up the religious ed kids and my second grader was not in his classroom. that is when things started not rolling along so finely and got a little bumpier. a parent meeting started coming to mind. oh wait, was there a parent meeting that night? let me find the director of religious ed and apologize for missing the parent meeting...now, if i could just find her. i walked all over the whole grounds for our church...from the religious ed building to the parish hall, to the church, to the high school building, back to the religious ed building, back to check the classroom. no religious ed director...and no child of mine. (and admittedly, i was much more panicked about second than the first...) once i did find him, his teacher informed me that i'd missed a parent/child meeting. and it was all i could do not to start crying right then and there. but i'd already made my kid attend a parent/child meeting without a parent...i didn't want to put him through that absent parent bawling in front of his teacher. i apologized profusely, to my kid and to his teacher. i began to offer up some explanation, but it just sounded lame and so i stopped and went back to apologizing. i made it through the rest of the night, apologizing every now and then, trying not to be angry at my spouse (because i really wanted to blame him, even though it really wasn't his fault). once everyone went to bed, though, i went outside and i cried. i cried because i felt like a lousy mom. i cried because i do not want my fourth born son to get stuck with exhausted, over-committed parents who forget his stuff. i cried because i worry that i have too many kids to be a good mom to them all. i cried because i felt like i was judged by the parents who were there, looking at my beautiful son with no parent. i cried because preparation for his sacraments is important to me, and i wish, man, i WISH i had freaking remembered to be there. and then i looked up. and is aw jupiter. and i realized that if something that far away...that huge and that otherworldly can change before my eye, then i can change, too. and it won't take years or months or reading twelve books or several therapy appointments or prayers i haven't learned to do it. that i will simply change.

so some things were different this morning. much the same. i have been working hard on not being afraid of failing...knowing that failing is not a permanent statement on my being or character or, you know, failure. that it is a chance to realize things need to change. i'm not changing to avoid being judged, by the way...or some of the other reasons for why i was crying. some of that stuff i cannot change...i cannot even do anything about because it's not my shit. but the stuff i can address, i'll address. but i will not resign myself to being less than i can be. there are things i do well, and there are things i can do better. and that is what i'll work on.

peace

perspective

2010-09-26T23:12:00.004-05:00

there's this parable in the bible about blind men and an elephant...that if each man feels a different part of the elephant, each one will describe an elephant differently. and they'll all be right. there may be some other levels to it, but that's the explanation that's always stuck with me.

this weekend, we went to visit my husband's family. i feel like kind of an ass when i call them his family, because they're my family, too. but they aren't exactly behaving well, to be honest. so i get a certain satisfaction out of calling them his family (much the same way my sister and i try to pawn off our dad on each other when he's behaving badly..."YOUR father..."..."oh NO, you mean YOUR father..."). anyway. we've kind of stayed out of the thick of things. it was safer and frankly, we have a lot of our own bullshit going on and didn't feel particularly feel the need to get drawn into their bullshit. but the eleven year old really wanted to celebrate with his family (ah-ha! it's HIS family...). he wanted a big dinner with the WHOLE family there (yes, we actually say "all of the family" like we're wannabe gangsters or something...). so god love them, the whole family came. and they kept their bullshit in check. and the eleven year old gave me the big thumbs up and that smile he has that makes me feel like the world is a magical place with no bullshit.

but this is about perspective.

and blind men.

and elephants.

as i have listened to people, observed people, just shared space with people...it occurs to me that we are all on this huge obstacle course. and we're all taking pictures. but good luck making a map using all those pictures at all those angles. it would never happen. some things would be photographed multiple times from multiple angles and we may never actually figure out two pictures are even of the same thing. while other things would probably be missed entirely. there is something delightful to me about this. because there is an inherent knowledge in me that we will never see the whole picture....and perhaps even more importantly, an acceptance. how could we know it all? and why would we ever need faith? and faith is just something that's always with me. like my little toe or something. (ok, ok...i chose my little toe because i broke it once and there have been times my faith may have been a tiny bit fractured or something...)

this is something i've been thinking about. this and the fact that this really pisses some people off.

peace

so here's what i've been up to...

2010-09-14T19:06:00.003-05:00

this is my teenager, my baby girl, my third born, my fourth born, and my second born...

see? i've been busy. :)

peace

it's not that i'm not thinking about blogging

2010-09-07T21:57:00.003-05:00

because i do think about it. not necessarily things i would say, because my thoughts just aren't that fluid right now. but i think about how much i used to enjoy it. sometimes i read old blogs and wish that earthmama chick would start blogging again. then i remember that i'm that earthmama chick and i feel really happy and really sad at the same time. it's a mixed bag these days...

i don't really even have time to read blogs, either. and i feel like i need to make some time....i mean, at least a little, you know? because it helps to read others' words. it really does.

anyway...i have some housekeeping to do. yes, in my house, but also, i mean, around here. cleaning up my blog roll and such. there's actually a blog i've been reading because my sister sends me links. and a few others i haven't added. and then probably a ton i should delete just because i never visit anymore.

i am listening to my teen play his new guitar. he bought a really, really nice guitar. and let me tell you, really, really nice guitars? they sound really, really nice. super nice, to be honest. and it is really freaking sweet to hear him play indigo girls tonight...because they're the most complex acoustic players he's familiar with, donchano?

alright, i'm out for the night. i will try to make it back soon. because i need the release.

peace out

yawn, stretch

2010-08-09T14:57:00.002-05:00

what a long weekend. a beautiful weekend. an exhausting weekend.

today would be my aunt and uncle's 37th anniversary. would be if my uncle had not hung himself in january. and my aunt is here visiting us in texas because she said she just needed to be here for their anniversary. i'm glad she came. i'm glad i took my family to go see her. it was lovely and hard and wonderful and sad and emotional and, well, it just felt right for some reason.

there is so much more i want to say...but it is hard to find the words. and i have a beautiful little baby girl trying to climb my leg, so there's that, too...hehe

peace

well, hello there

2010-07-14T22:59:00.003-05:00

long time, no post...

it was busy. and it was good. and it was exhausting. and there were a million things i wanted to write about. but the words would only come at times that i could only write on the chalkboard in my head (hey, remember chalkboards?...). and when i had time to blog, the words would scatter...yep, like cockroaches when you turn the light on (no, i've never experienced this in a house that had my name on the loan). but something i learned this past week...everything's connected. and i don't necessarily mean in some sexy "crash" kind of way (i mean crash the movie, btw). it may not all seem connected or even relevant...but be patient...those dots will start connecting and you'll just sit there, trying to remember to close your mouth while you are totally having an amazed, i think i'm floating out of my body right now kind of moment. just sayin...

and here's another thing i learned...this song is awesome. i will not even try to put into words the love i have for those who shared it with me...it makes me get tears to think about them, all that they're going through, how much i love them, and how much they give the world...

peace out

channel

2010-06-28T23:16:00.002-05:00

today was good. i am bone tired...but today was good.

my oldest is at what is called discipleship week. he's spending four days and three nights with a team of kids, learning about his faith and, i imagine mostly, himself. it is an awesome experience to get to watch a young person develop their own spirituality, to be able to share in some of that, be inspired and touched by it. it's been raining like crazy around our area...and though he's spending the week four hours away from here, i imagine he may be getting a little rain, too. i've been praying for him today. we miss him like crazy around here. but there is also a peace, i must admit. no heavy metal playing, no electric guitar in the background. it's not something we're looking for everyday. but knowing that he is off doing important work makes the peace appropriate. i'm sure i'll be crazy electric guitar by the time he gets home.

last weekend was a crazy one. my spouse begins his fourth year of residency next month...you know, on thursday. but he pulled call like a fourth year this weekend, heretofore called chief call. chief call sucks. in the beginning, i'm told. i'm told after the first few months, the other residents will stop calling the chief on call all the time. one can hope, but i don't know... i mean, i guess it must be true, because seriously, how could you ever convince someone to take chief call for a whole year if this is how it's going to go? my spouse tries very hard to avoid cesarean deliveries. but all weekend, someone else would call for a cesarean and my spouse would have to come in and do it...even though he wasn't necessarily part of the team that lead up to the decision. and he was called...let me tell you... at seven on friday night. again at two on saturday morning. then he rounded on everyone at six on saturday morning. then another cesarean at two on saturday afternoon. and rounding on everyone sunday morning, with removing an ectopic pregnancy thrown in after rounds. then another cesarean at three o'clock this morning...at which point he just stayed at the hospital for rounds at five and went on with his day, which ended at seven tonight. i took one kid rock climbing practice and the rest swimming so the doc could just come home and sleep. by the time we made it back to pick up the kiddo from climbing practice, in the DRIVING RAIN, he was still asleep and hasn't moved, except to kick off his covers and snore.

babiest girl had a heck of a night. she really enjoys swimming. she really does not enjoy driving in wall to wall rain. and it was such a slow drive.... but her three brothers that were in the car did their best to entertain her, and we made it home and cooked some dinner, bathed her in the kitchen sink, and started nursing her. but she didn't quite fall asleep. and then she got so overtired and wound up, she was kind of absolutely crazy there for awhile. she was biting and tensing and just having a hard time of it. i would hug her tight, and that would help her out for about two minutes. so i just held her and rocked her and it took almost an hour for her to settle into a restless but completely resigned sleep. and while i felt sorry for her that she had such a rough night...and i looked at my diet to figure out what i ate that could've made things so tough for her (too much sugar today...doh)...i have a small confession to make. i did it. i was able to help her fall asleep, help her work through her frustration, and i didn't absorb it. i didn't reflect it. i didn't even feel anything but sympathy for her. so i did it. and i am proud of that. kind of crazily so, because i am very tired. and i also did another good thing tonight. i let the doc sleep. it was kind of hard because it felt like i was doing something nice for him...and i'm ashamed to say, that kind of thinking always makes me think about what has he done that's nice for me lately?...and then i get all frustrated and don't do anything nice for him. but what i did tonight wasn't nice so much as a good thing. he's been getting kind of bossy and unpleasant with the kids, so i just felt like i needed to do something good for the household...everyone in it. i don't know who will appreciate it, or if anyone will. but i think it'll bring good things to my house, and for that i am grateful.

i really think that praying is important. i know that when i do it, i open myself up and good things come through. not something born in me. something that already is good moves through me. and tonight, i felt very humbled and very grateful to be able to channel that. it exhausts me. but it's a good exhaustion to feel like you wore yourself out doing something that put good out there. i imagine it is very similar to the exhaustion my sister and her partner are feeling with their three little ones. yep, i've been praying for them, too.

and good things happened for me today, too. i spent a little time in the sun. i read a book today. holy shmoly, a whole book. yep, it was really short. but i got to finish it. and that was incredible. and some laundry got done, and food was prepared, plans made for the week, a little cleaning done. i'm taking care of my other friend's adopted daughter tomorrow night. another chance to be a channel. i better go get some rest so i'm up for it.

peace

let's just continue

2010-06-25T21:12:00.002-05:00

not necessarily with the bitching, although i admit, there will be an update (hanging head in shame).

but first things first...my sister is a mama!!! and i'm not talking about they got a new fish or a new dog or something. they got kids!! three of them! ages one, two, and three. so, like almost triplets! hey, i'm pretty sure we can call them irish triplets. only, they're mexican, and beautiful, and lucky to be my sister's kids. she's gonna rock parenthood...as soon as she gets a nap. but seriously, i'm an auntie. well, we've been through this before...i'm an aint. and i am so freakin excited about that. like, my sister's kids. not my husband's sister's or brother's kids...my sister's kids. this allows me so much more p.o.w.e.r. not that i'm on a power trip or anything, but seriously, it's so much cooler when it's your sibling's kids. (trust me, it just is...) and she has kids. and they're spending their second night at my sister's (and her partner...i don't want to leave her partner out of this) house...lucky little ducks.

so, we also went swimming today. the two little guys, babiest girl, and i. we went to a friend's pool. kids had a blast. and i really like this mama, so i had a really good time, too. lots of time in the sun. and fourth born (or babiest boy, i'm not sure what to call him now that he's staring down seven) learned that he can swim without his floatie...how freakin cool is that?!? well, i'll tell you...it's pretty freakin cool. i felt really good getting home.

then...medicine happened. spouse brought home all this stuff to be grilled. five minutes later, he was paged, and had to go back to the hospital to do a c-section. what?!?! so he starts the coals on the grill. (and can i just say, i realize some mamas would be less than impressed to know that their doc started coals on the grill before he drove up to the hospital to do their cesarean, but seriously, if the docs didn't at least do some stuff like start coals on the grill, their families would probably just move their shit out of the house because they wouldn't even seem like part of the family anymore, you know? like they'd just be some boarder who pays little, but you still have to clean up after him and shit. and i know it is hard to find a good doctor these days...but let me tell you, it is lonely as freakin hell being married to a good doctor. just something to think about. and something i have been needing...like needing in a deep, deep place....to say.) and then he is the fuck out of here. i have to grill. after chauffeuring and life guarding and all that stuff. i don't want to grill. i am not good at grilling. (well, unless it's hot dogs...i rock hot dogs) so i grill. and the grill gets too cold. and i have to bring everything in and finish it in the kitchen (which i am sure i will clean later tonight, but whatever....). and i am trying so hard not to hate him each step of the way tonight. but it eeks out a little at a time. and i feel bad for that. but i just don't have much patience. and i'm equal opportunity no patience person. i have no patience for his job that sucks all his time. and i have no patience for my own frustration. i'm just kind of pissed. oh well. and life goes on. right?

but i will share one cool thing that happened tonight while i was cooking. my teen was holding babiest girl while i was running around flipping chicken quarters on the grill and putting on asparagus and whatever the hell else. and she sees me when i catch a break and am ready to hold her. i walk over to them, and she gets all excited, jumping up and down in teen's arms and squinching up her face in happiness. so i give her the same back...moving my arms and bouncing and squinching my face up in happiness and sweep her up in my arms. then teen looks at babiest girl, looks at me, and rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the same time. and i look at babiest and announce, "it's ok. he doesn't get it. it's a girl thing." and this delights me more than words can explain. because she smiles at me like "yeah, it's a girl thing." and we have our girl moment. something that, in fifteen years of parenting, i've never had. but now i do. cool, huh?

peace

decisions, decisions

2010-06-24T16:41:00.002-05:00

i have been trying to decide if i was going to get on my blog today and bitch for awhile, or wax nostalgic about laundry, or write about something like books or whatever, or maybe just try to solve some problem of the world. but yeah, i'm gonna bitch...let me set it up first.

we've been cleaning around here. decluttering and reorganizing are our buzz words. made it through the huge bookshelf in the living room and the little boys' room. three categories for everything...trash can, donate, keep it. we have been making some good progress...the garage is full of stuff we're getting rid of. seriously, it's like a fabulous garage sale that's even more fabulous because it is all free to anyone who wants to come go through it and pick stuff out.

anyway... i was working a little with the big boys in their room today. actually, my preteen was not working in there because he just didn't feel like it, but i am not going to talk about his challenging puberty riddled ass right now, 'k? i was really proud of my teen, because he decided to throw away his f-bomb today. now, he has this f-bomb that his godmother sent him (yes, i know how to pick them, don't i?) when he dropped his first f-bomb two summers ago. and he said today that he was going to get rid of it because he doesn't use it anyway. and there was something very mature and cool about hearing him say that. and then i uttered an f-bomb in his presence and he told me to settle down and i thought i was going to throttle him so i left the room to collect myself.

ok, that didn't all happen right after he told me he didn't need the f-bomb anymore. what happened was, i forgot they had rock climbing practice tonight. they've been up at the gym volunteering anywhere between six and twelve hours a day this week. but they had today off. for robotics. but then robotics was cancelled. and hallelujah, we had some time at home for a change. and i also had book club tonight. and i was going to go to book club and leave the kids at home because tonight happens to be my spouse's late night at work. you know, the spouse who had to take an avocado salad to work today? i haven't mentioned that? well, let me tell you about it...he had to make an avocado salad for work. and when he made it last night, he trashed the whole. damned. kitchen in the process. i mean seriously, how do you get it that messy making one freaking salad? and who the hell did he think was going to clean that mess up as he sat his ass at my computer? well, obviously he KNEW who was cleaning that shit up, because i did a great job of it. and then he had THE NERVE to go to work and leave the damned salad in the fridge. so guess who had to take the salad to him? yes, the same fool who cleaned the kitchen. so i took the teen to the church to practice with the musicians (see how i do that? say i don't have anything to do because there's really only one thing i have to do...but then it turns into a little more...) and when i picked teen up, i called spouse to say i was on the way (i swear, this is what he asked me to do when he called to tell me he forgot the salad...as if i didn't already notice that the minute i opened the fridge this morning) to drop off the salad, and he didn't answer. so i called again. and a doctor who was not my spouse called to tell me that my spouse (and apparently everyone else in their whole department) was delivering a baby and couldn't leave right then, so could i bring it up? only, i'm in the parking lot with teen and the baby driving around. and so i have teen run it up to them so they can have their stupid salad and their world won't crash. (how much you wanna bet they won't all be delivering a baby when it's time to eat that salad? i mean, i don't want to sound totally bitter, but this is just how the universe seems to work out these days...score a couple points for the doctors and zero for marci)

anyway, so after all that, i decided that hells yeah i was going to book club. i'm talking to my bigs about their room...teen's talking about what he'd like to do, preteen is being frustrating...and somewhere in there, i remember they have rock climbing practice tonight. so "oh shit" comes out of my mouth. and right after that, i realize this means i don't have bigs home tonight during book club. that it's me and the three littles til an hour, maybe an hour and a half after book club starts when spouse gets home. and this just takes all the wind out of my sails. and apparently, the wind coming out of my sails sounds like "fuuuuuck" said kind of lowly. but not so low that the teen couldn't hear it. and then he said "hey, settle down" and i left the room because i had tears in my eyes and was going to pound him.

it wasn't that i was mad at him at that moment...that wasn't why i wanted to throttle him. it didn't hurt my feelings that he drew attention to the fact that i was using language in front of them that i don't normally use, that i shouldn't use. i was just so totally pissed. and i don't know that it was all even that big of a deal. but i was still just so pissed. my therapist says it's because i don't have much reserve left. that i had reserve going into this journey with medicine. but that i've used it up. and i think maybe she's right. or at least it feels like she's right...but maybe it just makes me feel better about being an asshole. i mean, i don't necessarily feel good about being an asshole, but i feel better to think there is a reason why. the crap part is that i don't know how to build up my reserves again. i mean, i try to build them up. but then shit like this happens and it just defeats me. it's not even that book club is the shit for me. i never even read the books anymore. but i feel so damned trapped sometimes by this stupid life of mine. i mean, the kids i feel aren't ready to be alone in the evening...they aren't stupid. and the baby i'd rather not take to book club, but would've...she's not stupid. and the bigs who are climbing tonight...they're not stupid....maybe a little selfish...but maybe not...and definitely not stupid. the spouse who's working and saving lives and shit...he's definitely not stupid....he's definitely a whole slew of other stuff, but it's not stupid. so i don't know why i call it a stupid life. probably because i'm frustrated and everything seems kind of stupid right now. but just between you and me, saying fuck in front of my kids feels really, really stupid.

peace

music

2010-06-23T23:59:00.002-05:00

i have been listening to music today. i wish i did this, at least for a little while, everyday. hell, even the thirty minutes four times a week they recommend for exercise would probably get me through. my friend, corey, has music night every monday night...maybe i could just try that. i don't know, but i can't even explain how great i feel going into tonight, and especially at the end of it. it's wonderful.

each little song transports me to a different time and place in my life. and so many of them are so full of life and energy and happiness and good things in general. i emailed an old friend tonight because a song came on that she gave me the cassette of...and i'm talking about twenty-some years ago. and her grandmother had just died. and it was really a neat thing to connect with her and let her know why i was thinking of her. kind of hilarious in this great, loving way.

there are many, many things i've thought about blogging about in this peaceful, sated state. but i chose to blog about the vehicle that brought me here. maybe i'll get to the other stuff later...

peace

a few breaths of air

2010-06-14T09:20:00.002-05:00

yep, i've got a cold. runny nose, sinus headache, raw throat. crap. i tried to take it easy yesterday, but it was really one of those "do most of my normal stuff but don't go outside and totally bust ass and call it taking it easy" kind of days. today...i think it's going to have to be one of those "maybe i'll get a shower in but otherwise i'm on my ass because i seriously need to take it easy" kind of days. i think so anyway.

babiest girl woke up early this morning. was crawling and making noises all over my bed and my head. so we got up to watch wiggles. biggest brother came in at some point and said he'd lay with her, so i got up and grabbed some coffee. (i am almost embarrassed by how grateful i am when things like this happen) babiest fell asleep with biggest before she's usually up for aa typical day...silly girl.

my friend got her prayer flags. i got pictures. oh my....can i just say how gorgeous she is? and those prayer flags were beautiful around her. seriously, i think prayer flags are the way to go from now on. beautiful and get the point across. i miss her so terribly, but am so grateful i had a chance to send a little piece of each of us to her. god working both ways...

i just heard my thirdborn get in bed with my waking babiest and say to her, "well hello there little wonder." where do they get this sweetness from? and really, who cares? i'm just honored to be able to witness and be touched by it...

and i think that's about it. i have no idea what they day will hold (although i'm pretty sure it will hold sausage...sausage is what i crave when i have a cold) but i wanted to stop and take a moment to think about those moments of light that didn't make my head ache...those breaths of air today that didn't burn my sinuses or make me cough. food for my soul.

peace

a little quiet time

2010-06-12T23:32:00.002-05:00

every night, i go out and feed my dogs. and it is sacred time. i don't do it when the kids are up. i wait for them to get in bed and settle down. i've blogged a number of times about the shade of night or even some insight i've gained from watching my dogs' behavior (although i admit i have not blogged in a long time about my dogs). it's a funny thing...there were times when i would go over the kids' school work and plan the next day or plan the next week, whatever. i used to read outside at night. i used to sit on the phone and talk for hours even at one point in my life. but feeding them at night, once things have quieted down, has long been a habit of mine. i give it up when i'm pregnant...sleep seemed to take priority. but one thing i do a lot at night is pray. maybe because it's finally quiet. maybe because i'm outside and i've always felt god's presence outside. i think i've always partly thought it was because i was "done" with my day and had resigned to let everything else go until tomorrow and so praying and reflecting just seemed natural. lately i've been wondering if there is a way to capture that feeling, that peaceful mindset somehow during the day. because i often feel like cuddling up to my kids afterward. i want to read a book with them, talk to them about this that or the other, make sure that they know that at the end of the day, i usually think they're pretty wonderful, or at least that things are going to end up better the next day than they did that day.

tonight my spouse is at work. it's his last night on call where he has to be at the hospital for his full call time. from here on out, he gets to be home. (unless he becomes a staff member at a teaching hospital after residency, in which case he'll have to stay at the hospital for a night of call every tenth or eleventh night or something like that so that he's there if the residents need him, but let's not talk about that right now...it diminishes the importance of what i'm saying here...) at least for the next year, he won't have to sleep at the hospital. he'll go in if they need him, but then he gets to come back home and sleep in our bed, with me...and our babiest girl. and that makes me feel warm and happy inside...like we're almost at a place of rest. and after the last seven years, a place of rest sounds delicious.

while i was feeding my dogs tonight, i took a moment to let myself settle in to the night. to lift up some thanks. ask for some healing. feel grateful and satisfied and appreciative and maybe even let a little awe come. then i remembered about my brother's girlfriend's miscarriage. ok, so she's really his ex-girlfriend. but she was pregnant with his baby. and i believe that even though she was pretty unhappy that he was not her boyfriend anymore, and even more unhappy that he has a different girlfriend right now, i do believe she was happy to be pregnant. and that made me inexplicably happy. i guess i should explain that my brother is not the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest bulb in the chandelier. he's pretty close to mentally retarded, if you look at his i.q. scores. and while he doesn't have anything obviously wrong with him, it doesn't take a long time hanging out with him to be able to see that he's pretty different...in some ways he's the kind of different that you imagine god would like us all to be...simple just comes easy to him. but then he's also different in the ways that makes living in today's world independently impossible. my sister and i often discuss which one of us will have this brother living with us after our parents either die or give up. i don't think i would mind him living here because the times that he's been here, he tends to follow along with whatever my kids are doing. but the times he's been here, my kids have been fairly young...it's been a few years...and i don't know how he'd do with teenagers in the house. it's one thing when he plays baseball with the neighborhood kids, brushes teeth and gets ready for bed at nine because that's what the kids are doing, and looks for word searches to do because everyone else here reads so much. but i do not know how he would handle being in a household where the children are becoming young adults and their self-responsibility is changing and growing in ways he's never seemed to be able to quite get the hang of. and i guess that's not really what i was thinking about tonight anyway. because even though he's a pretty simple guy and will probably never really be capable of living on his own, i had started to think that he might not make too bad of a father. call me an idealist (you wouldn't be the first), but i kind of thought eventually he'd figure out he really loved the ex-girlfriend...or at any rate, he'd figure out that the ex-girlfriend really seems to love him, and he'd end up there and they'd make this cute, quirky little family, the end. but the end came a little sooner and the ex-girlfriend miscarried. and that made me sad. not that i'm going to go encouraging him to get another girl pregnant or anything. he's considering a vasectomy just because buying condoms requires a little forethought that his frontal lobe, since it doesn't function much, can't seem to handle (yeah, for real, the light's not even home in the front of his brain, so i guess no one's ever been home).

my sister and her partner are thisclose to being certified as a couple for foster-to-adopt. so i guess even if i don't become an auntie with my brother, i'm pretty much getting ready to be an auntie with my sister. but i should be honest...if it's my sister, i won't be an auntie...i'll be an aint. it's just the way we say it in my southern family. and i'm looking so forward to being an aint in this capacity. it will be different and it will be challenging and it will be beautiful in a whole nother way from how becoming an auntie was. but it makes my toes curl and a lump form in my throat when i think about being an aint.

and i guess these are the things i think about when i feel like i can breathe a little.

i have been working hard in my yard. and working hard with my family. and working hard in my marriage and in my own head. i am grateful, as always, for those who walk alongside me. today was a particularly lovely day...the teen got his new guitar, the other guys got their video game they've long wanted, and the littlest played hard, crawled with her belly off the floor, ate bananas and learned to make this terrific coughing sound that elicits much reaction from her brothers. and the dad will be home for good tomorrow morning. sigh...now the mama will crawl into bed with the babiest and we'll see what tomorrow holds...

peace

i think he's in love

2010-06-12T22:04:00.004-05:00

and i am totally fine that it's not human yet.

this is his new electric guitar. aside from being really pretty, it also sounds really good. (just between you and me, i always thought he sounded kind of amateurish....i had no idea it was because of his guitar...whew!) he is over the moon. spent more on the guitar and the case than i have probably spent on any one item for myself....i'm trying to think here...i mean, there's my car...i don't know...never mind...my point is that i am very proud of him for saving so long, researching so completely, making a decision, and going with it. and i think he is, too...see it in that big grin on his face?

peace

a day in the life

2010-06-12T21:32:00.005-05:00

my cybertribe had a photo assignment about a day in your life. you were supposed to take a camera around and snap pictures of your day and share them. i did this yesterday. today, there was too much driving around and the cold my guys have all gotten to some degree this past week has made my throat raw and my head kind of stuffy, so i did not even think to take pictures with us today. well, i did take two pictures today...and one is at the end of this post and the other gets its own post in a minute. i don't know...this evening is not making much sense, so let's go back to yesterday...

this is where i check my email and log onto my cybertribe each morning. there's my coffee and my glass of water (and a bunch of other junk that just seems to always be around that area in case i suddenly need it).

this is my youngest son and babiest girl watching wiggles and playing together. this is kind of their routine lately. that laundry in the background that needs to be folded is also part of the routine lately. but notice how littlest son's eyes are so sleepy...i think out of all of us, the cold hit him the hardest and he's had some tough mornings this week. but his baby sister always makes him smile.

this is my third born...he loves listening to harry potter audio books and reading the book at the same time. since we've lightened our school load, this is one of his favorite pastimes.

my first born and my second born fight over this window to sit and read in each morning. second born won this morning. i just love his curly hair in the morning.

if he's not reading first thing in the morning, this is what my first born is doing....but he gets his own post in a minute.

here is babiest drinking her water in her high chair. you know, she really is usually that happy.

and here's a pic of me and babiest before i go out and conquer part of our yard. i've been working on trimming trees and bushes and just kind of taming our landscaping (and getting some great work outs in there at the same time...ouch)

and this is from today...but i love this picture of my two little ones playing in the little splash pad we bought yesterday. she loved it and he loves it right along with her. good times...

peace out

gratitude

2010-06-09T18:20:00.002-05:00

i've been meaning to keep a gratitude journal. well, start using mine again, is what i really mean. because i have been having some frustrating times. i think i have mentioned here before that i remember well what having four little ones was like. there were things that didn't get done around my house for years. and it didn't bother me in the least. i really didn't even notice a great deal of filth just because i was so busy chasing those little ones. but see, i've been to the other side. i've had older kids, learned how darned dirty ceiling fan blades get in the course of months (and i went at least seven years without ever even noticing this when my guys were little, btw), i got used to baseboards being cleaned, gutters being cleared, trees trimmed (i don't really even remember what kind of trees i had when my kids were little), stuff like that. and it is so very frustrating to be in this place where i can no longer maintain the house and my life the way i was used to. and this brings up the topic of asking the people in my house who are no longer little ones to help me maintain what we were all accustomed to. but see, i suck at asking for help. and who likes to do what they suck at? seriously. so for six months, i haven't been asking. and monday, i cried a whole lot and had some chest pains and just generally figured i needed to try something different. (ok, ok, my therapist had a big hand in convincing me i needed to try something different...and then my good friend who is also a therapist convinced me the rest of the way...but i was the one who made the list that asked for help, so i still get credit, 'k?) so now i can breathe again...without chest pain. and that's kind of nice.

but i am going a little stir crazy. it is raining, which was lovely...it's the kind of rain that just makes the whole world outside of the window look greener. i knew we'd get out of the house later, so i was enjoying our time at home. and then my six year old started running fever. and we've been trapped, er, i mean stuck at home since. i think i'm starting to go cross-eyed from the boredom. you can only spend so much time researching online the things you've never had time to research, shopping for things you don't have money for, or playing mindless games on facebook. and i'm tired of cleaning. i'm tired of laundry. i'm tired of thinking about what can be thrown away. and most of all, i'm tired of whining.

so where does the gratitude come in? i'm not sure. i just thought if i put that at the top of this blog post, that maybe it would work itself in somehow. because my brain feels done. it's tired, too. i remember babyhood being difficult. but i did not have these young adults in my house the last time i was here. and it's nice to have them here this time around. i mean, i feel like a fool sometimes with them watching me struggle and have such mindless days where i can't remember anything for longer than sixty seconds. but they are a lot of help. they play with their sister and take care of her. they make me laugh. and they make me practice crap i suck at...and they're kind and gentle enough that it's not too awful practicing it with them. so there...i am grateful as hell for these four guys i get to walk with each day. because somewhere along the way, they turned into guys that really honor and love their mother. and while i have no idea why they feel this way about me, i am humbled and inspired by their love.

peace

yowza

2010-05-25T23:12:00.002-05:00

i have a headache. right between the eyes. making my eyes sooooo sleeeepy...

it was a rough day. my baby girl visited the doctor. i really love our family practice doc. she's really laid back...just a nice, matter of fact, not much bs kind of woman. the fact that she has four children and a spouse who is also a doc may have a little tiny bit to do with it, but who knows? anyway, i got to hear all about how beautiful baby girl is, how great she's growing. as a bonus, the nurse we had has worked with my spouse in ob/gyn/oncology, so i also got to hear how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is with his patients, how well he listens to them, how pleasant he is to work with...and i was pretty damned gracious about all of this, ifidosaysomyself. and i do. and it's not that it's hard to be gracious when hearing lovely things about my spouse. it's that it's hard to be gracious when i woke to no coffee in the house, and it was already 10:55 and i was still on no caffeine, had a pounding headache, and knew my baby girl was slated to receive some shots, which makes me anxious and just a little grumpy to start with. the nurse kept saying how beautiful my baby was, and how MUCH she looked JUST LIKE her dad. in my headache-y state, it kind of felt, just a teensy bit, like she was saying i wasn't much to look at. but i'm sure that's not what she meant. anyway...it was all very sweet and great. until it was time for shots. then it all just went to shit. baby girl cried. and it wasn't an "ow that hurt" kind of cry. seriously, it was a heartbroken "that bitch did that ON PURPOSE" kind of cry. she was really offended by the whole deal. the second shot just added insult to injury...it was heartbreaking, for real.

so as i was driving home, all jiggly inside with sadness and guilt, my oldest son's chemistry (teacher? mama? what to call her....) instructor called. she was letting me know we could move up the chemistry time today so he could go to this birthday outing that was slated to begin when chemistry would normally begin. and i was all jiggly inside already (with the sadness and guilt), but now there was gratitude and humility involved. so i called the kids and told the two bigs to get ready so i could take them, the oldest to chemistry and the second born to the house where the outing would begin. i got home with baby girl totally crapped out in her car seat, ran inside and got the bigs, to find my oldest visibly in a grumpy mood. shoulders slumped, eyebrows furrowed, eyes dark, mouth set. i asked him what was up, and he said "i've just been in this awful, angry, bad mood for a few days. i don't know what's up...but i hate it." so in my hurryingness, i just got everyone in the car, kissed the two littles (they're littles, but big enough to be home on their own for an hour or so), and we took off.

i started asking the oldest what was going on. we talked a bit. i really couldn't intuit anything actually going on, so we talked about hormones and i told him when he's just hormonal (meaning if you can't figure anything else out going on specifically and you happen to know it's a time in your life when hormones can be working their magic, like say, oh, maybe at fifteen/almost sixteen) that he doesn't have to "own" those emotions...he just has to get through them without doing any damage. i mean, this has been my mantra for most of my menstruating and pregnant and nursing years. so i thought i'd pass it along. the three of us (who were awake) prayed together. this is something i've been meaning to do more of with my kids...pray together...especially when there's really nothing else to do and words don't seem so important either. so we prayed. and then i took him to chemistry. i hugged him in the car, and he kind of surrendered for a minute, let a few tears fall, and then got it together and went on to chemistry. then i took the second born to his destination, talked to the mom there about maybe keeping an eye (and a little heart) on the oldest while they were birthdaying, and got in my car an extremely jiggly mess...the previously mentioned sadness and guilt still brewing, steeping with the gratitude and humility, and now with a little concern and vulnerability added. so i did what any woman would do in this situation (well, if they were me, you know) and i called my sister.

have i ever mentioned how much my sister rocks? how much she is a piece of my soul outside of my body? so we laughed, i cried a little, and i ordered sonic. and then she suggested maybe i was going to get my period. ha! i haven't started having periods since baby girl was born. and even though my sister's never had a baby (she's never even had sex to be honest...well, i mean intercourse...she figured out she was a lesbian way before most, i think), i have to say, i think she was right on the money. i sure feel like this could be pms. she's so smart.

so i took care of myself today...tried to be gentle with me. i did call and talk to my oldest after chemistry and he seemed in a better place. and i also bought lots of dark chocolate. and some diet dr. pepper. i'm not so into artificial sweeteners, but i wanted caffeine and hey, diet dr. pepper really does taste more like real dr. pepper.

so tonight was good. we're not getting much school work done this week, but i'm okay with that. tomorrow was the day i was going to do this big push for school work. and i will, probably. but i also scheduled us to hang with some friends for a couple of hours. you know, just to break things up a bit. and there is always next week. but for now, everyone seems in a pretty good place. and that's what i want. my little mantra, "everything i need right now, i have" is working for me. it's true. and for that, i am grateful.

peace

peace

2010-05-24T23:14:00.004-05:00

i am tired tonight. worn out. all used up. but in a good way.

i took care of my nephew today. actually, my kids mostly took care of him. it was what he needed and i think it was what they needed too. and i was happy to facilitate that. cute story from today...nephew and my youngest were all decked out in dress up clothes...nephew was wearing a bright orange ball cap and a bandana, western vest and a hawaiian lei. youngest had on a bandana around his head all ninja style and a silver knight's cape. they had been playing under the dining room table, and nephew told me, "our fwiends are coming to live with us...we have to look ouw best." loved it.

i talked to my sil today. there's some rage in that house. but i firmly believe there is more love than rage. sometimes they spill over and it gets kind of messy, but i know the love will win out. she was talking to me about some stuff. and we just took it bit by bit. it was good. one of my nephews, he's sixteen, called her an effin' b. but i saw it in my head as an f.n.b. this was hilarious to me in a way i can't explain to completely explain the hilarity, but i'll try a little by mentioning one of our banks has the initials s.n.b. probably doesn't capture it fully, but it was funny to me. (and no, he didn't actually call her an effin' b...he called her a fucking bitch...but if you can find some light in the dark, why turn away from it?) anyway...we talked through it, an i really think they're working through stuff. if nothing else, they are trying hard and really, what else can we do?

then i talked to another friend. her brother died this past week. she worked through a little rage. just a little. mostly she talked about homeschooling. she just finished her first year of homeschooling, so this is appropriate use of a diversion in my book. so we talked. back and forth. luckily, my brain is pretty flighty to begin with, so it wasn't too hard to keep up with the switches in conversation. and really, all i wanted her to know is that i love her and i'm here to listen to whatever she wants to talk about. i really do love her. and i'm grateful for her friendship. and this was the best way i knew to honor that.

i also talked to another friend somewhere in all of that today. she's got some of her own excitement brewing. in many different aspects of her life. and i love her more than i can express. she's definitely a soul sister to me.

and i sent some prayer flags for my friend battling (more like KICKING THE ASS OF) metastatic melanoma. ok, i don't know that kicking the ass of is the appropriate expression, but i've been dying to scream it out loud, and while typing in all caps was a poor substitute, it'll do for now in this quiet homeschooling life of mine...snort. but we loved making the flags. i don't know why we don't do it for everyone we know. it's a fabulous idea, if you ask me, and i am going to try to remember it. you know, like tomorrow...

so i feel like a tissue all wadded up with peoples' tears and snot and whatnot. but those are sacred tears...sacred snot....sacred whatnot. a baptism of sorts.

peace

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

2010-05-21T09:31:00.002-05:00

nice title? if one person reads that and remembers they aren't alone, then my work is done.

but as i do so often, i'm not going to stop there...snort

i get so bogged down sometimes in trying to make my life "work"...for me, for all those i am responsible for...just trying to get it all done. and i'm not talking about manicures or pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes and crap like that. i'm talking about paying bills on time (or close enough) and making sure animals are fed (dead animals from starvation just sounds like a total buzzkill) and clothes and diapers are washed ('nuff said on that one, i'm sure).

now let me be clear, i'm not knocking manicures and pedicures and haircuts and matching clothes. i look forward to returning to the time in my life where my nails aren't constantly snagging on stuff, my toenails aren't always chipped, i can wear a hairstyle more than a ponytail, and, well, i think my clothes match, but who knows? i'm just not there right now. i truly forgot how exhausting having a baby is...i don't think it was this exhausting before. but then i didn't have so many places to get kids to in a week, an electric guitar playing the background music i did not choose for my life, and when it's not the electric guitar, it's a piano pounding.

my kids are actually pretty good musicians. it just all sounds like pounding at the end of the day. well, at sometimes by the middle.

but i get so overwhelmed by trying to make my life work. and there is a lot of work to be done in my life. but i do forget that i'm not the only one trying to do this. and that i'm not the only one working on the things that are important to me. and my friend jeanni will understand when i say that i forget that i am an instrument of a peace that doesn't originate in me, but works through me. and when i forget that, i wear myself out.

last night i called my friend. i hadn't called much lately and when i had, i felt like i had not been a very good friend...like i just didn't have much to offer. but i called and i listened to the things going on in her life and it filled me up. i mean, i did share stuff going on in my life, but it felt so good to listen to her and think about how much i care about her and her family, and just share that. because life is meant to be shared. not lived in isolation. at least for me this is true. so i have to remember i'm not alone. it makes my load easier to bear and gives me a light in my life that i can't provide hunkered down on my own.

peace

stuff

2010-05-19T09:11:00.002-05:00

i had some anxiety last night. i don't know why it gets so bad...maybe read the previous post for some understanding...maybe i'll go back and read it so i'm not always figuring out the same shit over and over ("oh yeah! i knew that!!!"). it was hard to fall asleep, but i have to say, my spouse was pretty sweet about the whole deal, so it wasn't tooooooo bad.

everything is just in this weird state of flux....continuous change...and while i realize things are supposed to be in a state of flux, i was under the impression that hit was a more mellow pace...a little more gradual. but lately? not so much. and i'm tired trying to keep up with it. trying to keep on top of it. or at least alongside it. and while surrender comes to mind, i can't completely surrender. i must pay bills. i must buy groceries to have food in the house. i must cook meals if we are to eat...or at least plan them. i must get up each morning or else...i don't know...maybe we'll just skip a day this week and not get up. oh wait, i did that last sunday when i slept til noon (hey, the baby slept in with me til noon, too...lol).

there are just so many things out there that are kind of crappy right now...and i wish those things would get on the super flux wagon, you know? my sil's still are on the outs with each other...i wish that healing would go faster. same thing with a friend of mine and her sister...i wish her sister would get on the super flux wagon with a change of attitude and heart and all that good stuff. my friend jeanni's in the hospital with her third round of biochemo...now THERE'S something that could use some positive super flux. my friend marcy's brother died last friday...i hope there's some super flux in healing for that family...i can't imagine that pain. even my cyber tribe is having some super flux...and i wish that would settle, even though that is just one thing i could've skipped fluxing, to be honest. but everything changes....i know this. my spouse's paycheck...oh please, come on super flux!!! i am tired of stressing over money. i know we made this choice. and we're doing what we need to do, but sheesh, it's so tiring to always have money in the back of your mind. my brother's ex-girlfriend is preggo with his baby...now, i have no idea how things need to flux, but they need to.

i am hoping to go camping weekend after next. i need to get out of my house for a few days.

oh, but let me share this super cool story first... when i go outside at night, to relax and reflect and pray on the day, i always have it in back of my mind that a shooting star would be a really cool way to know god's listening...or here...or whatever. i mean, if i were god, i'd probably be shooting stars all over the place to let people know i was hearing them...but that's probably one of the million reasons i'm not god. anyway...i was outside two nights ago. my husband and oldest son had a big fight that night over the stupidest thing...well, not exactly the stupidest, but pretty dumb stuff. men just need to learn how to express themselves, but that's a whole different post. things had settled, they had reached a place of some peace, everyone felt good (if not a little raw after it all). i went outside and thought i saw an airplane in the sky between two trees. i remember i even contemplated that maybe it was a ufo...because i had seen a light and then the light was gone. kind of weird. up until the light reappeared in a different place in my yard...it was a firefly! i love fireflies and anytime i see one, i feel like i'm seeing a dinosaur or something, because where there used to be tons of them in my backyard as a child, i can't think of a time i saw two in one spot in a long time. so anyway, i'm watching this firefly. he comes a little closer. flies around me. finally gets a big smile out of me because the little thing just keeps lighting up right around me. then it lands on me, and i almost start bawling. it was awesome. like god reached a hand out and touched my arm. very comforting.

does that heal jeanni's cancer? does it heal the pain between sisters i love a lot? does it bring peace to the cybertribe? fix our money problems? give my brother some more i.q. points so he can handle this situation he's in? nope. but it helps me relax and get through the next day...and maybe the next. see, i'm kind of finished with the notion that peace will come. i believe peace is already here. we just have to work through our shit so we can feel what's already there. so...i better get to work...

peace

heart squeezing

2010-05-09T23:44:00.002-05:00

and some gut squeezing, too...

it's just been a crazy 2010. i'm just going to call it that (yes, i know it's may) because this way, i will continue to expect craziness, lose the expectation that i've somehow reached the pinnacle of the craziness, and stop being so winded when things just keep unraveling. i'm typing this with a bit of courage, because i'm not trying to get the place where i lose the expectation for normalcy...i'm there. and it's okay. i've learned in little situations here and there how it can free you to let go of expectations. and i appreciated those lessons. and now, for whatever reason, it seems to be a time to do a little of what we homeschoolers call "drill and kill." rapid fire situations that remind me of yeats' poem the second coming...that spinning gyre, things falling apart, the center cannot hold and all that rot. i don't mean to make it sound like the whole year has gone to hell in a hand basket (frankly, i still don't have a concept of hell in my worldview...well, not yet anyway...hehe). there have been many moments of beauty in this craziness...moments i might not have noticed if i still had my fingers nicely and tightly cramped around a sense of normalcy...whatever the hell normal is anyway. (remember that phrase "the new normal"?...yeah...i'm done with that phrase.) so yes, i will admit there's been much heart squeezing and gut squeezing. i'm wiped out from it all, to tell the truth. but i've also learned that life goes on even when i feel wiped out. and that i can function so much further out of my comfort zone than i ever thought. honestly, i can't even remember where my comfort zone was at the start of this year...

peace

milestones

2010-04-28T23:15:00.002-05:00

some milestones tonight...

my three middle children finished their first years of religious ed at our church. they said a rosary and had an ice cream social. it was sweet watching them walk into the building swinging their rosaries...little e made his in class last week, and i made one for s and one for o in honor of their first communion that was last weekend. it was also sweet picking them up with big ice cream mustaches around their big grins. little e couldn't wait to tell me all about it. they each chose huge hershey bars to give to their teachers for the end of the year, and while o's teacher said she really liked chocolate, e's teacher said "chocolate is the BEST!"

my oldest got to attend his first concert tonight. three days grace. no, they're not a christian rock group...hehe...that was tricky of them to choose such a confusing name. my teenager has been over the moon ever since i told him he could go if he found an adult to go with him. as soon as his dad walked in from work that night, and n asked him if he'd be the adult to go, and dad said, "sure, i'd love to" and then asked me what he'd just agreed to. there were some rocky moments for my spouse after agreeing to go. he's not very fond of this music that our teenager listens to...he gets worried about what about the lyrics appeal to n and why does he have to listen to music that sounds so angry?...i'm guessing he doesn't remember the nights in high school we drove around screaming nine inch nails at the top of our lungs, bubbling with teenager energy...but i think he pulled tonight off fairly well. well, they aren't home yet...but they're on their way. he also took two other of n's friends whose parents were overjoyed to find out that n had managed to get his dad to go and therefore, their children could go with an adult that wasn't them. hey, we all get our turns...

but tonight wasn't my night to attend a three days grace concert. (whew) tonight was my night to watch my middles go off to and return from a fun evening...eat pizza and make a pallet and watch a silly movie (baby geniuses definitely qualifies...). it was also my night to play with my baby girl and even get in the tub with her. she had a blast. she is growing by leaps and bounds...making these cognitive leaps that make it hard for her to balance meeting her needs and exploring the world around her. like so many people i know and love, i already see her wrestling with herself...needing to nurse but wondering what that noise was and sometimes just waiting to make sure nothing else is about to happen before settling down to nurse. i forget how babies (or at least my babies) only really relax when they're nursing or sleeping. otherwise, she's trying to sit up, stand up, roll over, reach this, turn to see that, put this in her mouth, make spit bubbles (ooh, she loves spit bubbles). it's exhausting. which i guess is why she needs her naps and i get to see her relaxed for awhile, only to be surprised once she's up at how active she's become. maybe if i slept more, or more uninterruptedly, it wouldn't all be such a damned surprise all the time. maybe i'd be able to remember something for longer than a few minutes without writing it down. hell, sometimes i forget what i was going to write down so i wouldn't forget it. but it's good. it helps me stay in balance. when i sleep too much, i obviously get this misguided notion that i am far more capable than i am. my children help me remember how heartwrenchingly human i am. and i think i'm better for it...

there was probably more i wanted to type, but i can't remember it anymore. i can't wait to hear how the guys enjoyed the concert. and i've got a bottle of wine chilling to pour my spouse a glass of once he gets home. i'd say i'd whisper sweet nothings in his ear (well, at least sweet thank yous), but he probably won't be able to hear anything after being at a concert for the last four hours. he was already screaming into the phone when he called to say they were on their way home. what a good sport...

peace

a little more sharin...

2010-04-27T21:07:00.002-05:00

peace

just sharin...

2010-04-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

peace

breathing

2010-04-13T23:13:00.003-05:00

life has been hard lately. i have felt so tight inside...homeschooling, marriage, finances, mothering, balancing all of it, friends going through tough times and i never feel like i can give enough because of all the previously mentioned things...add in the small things like trying to eat a balanced diet, or trying to exercise a thirty-six year old body that's birthed five children (holy moly! five!!! really?!?!), family things swamping me in the beginning of this year, eczema trying to take over my face, doctor appointments, dentist appointments i keep meaning to make, eye appointments and glasses, rearranging my house...blurg and ack and pant, pant...i was having a hard time breathing.

but tonight feels light. feels brilliant, to tell the truth. i have an amazing circle of friends. soul sisters, and sisters, and cyber sisters, and friends here doing amazing things for me that i can't even express...kids who just keep hanging in there and being wonderful to boot...a church family that continues to draw me in and give me inspiration...i am blessed. and grateful. and i can breathe.

my writing lately has felt like trying to talk through a mouthful of sludge. garbled and not quite right and hard to understand, even for me. but it is something that helps me, even when it's crappy. i guess a lot like life. so i just wanted to put this out here before another mouthful crammed it all up again.

peace

the wisdom of youth

2010-04-11T23:43:00.003-05:00

i often feel like i find wisdom in folks who've gone before me or traveled alongside me. but i know that jesus said we should come to him as children. and i do know that i've learned a lot from children. my years spent as a counselor at a camp for special needs children were probably some of the most formative years for how i view the world and those in it. but a lot of those lessons came from how that time stretched me, showed me who i could be, how i could meet the needs of others and find that i was meeting needs i wasn't even aware of in myself. i learned the power of watching and listening and in the end, found a voice in me and learned to listen to that voice.

a few nights ago, i was babysitting my three year old nephew. my children had played outside for a long time that day and were pretty droopy when my nephew got here. he was ready to play and hang out and they were ready to rest. so i got to play instead. and it was magic.

while we were doing our thing, at one point, my nephew asked me "what can i do to tell you i love you?" now, i'll be honest and say that he wanted to make valentines and that's how he asked me. it took me a minute to figure that out. but what an awesome question to be asked. it made all of us stop and listen. it was one of the sweetest moments in my life.

tonight in our high school youth ministry meeting, we talked about the sacrament of marriage. and as we talked about love and growing up and relationships, it reminded me of the adoration service speaker i blogged about earlier. about lust being the opposite of love. about how looking to serve your own needs is the opposite of offering something purely for another. and i've been thinking about how tricky that can get...i can love my kids. but i can also get caught up in wanting my kids to reflect well on me. and that's when i tend to make poor parenting choices. because i am not trying to meet their needs...i'm trying to meet my own. and i do the same in my marriage...oy, my marriage can be so tricky sometimes.

but my nephew gave me the string to bind all of these thoughts earlier this week. when he asked me how he could tell me he loved me. it felt awesome. but it's a question i need to ask more often. because we can all read the books about different love languages and explore our needs, but i know that i need to look at what those around me need. it always changes. my friend lana and i were just talking about the changing needs of our children tonight. and i think i've plugged into those changing needs fairly well...i mean, i know they're changing at least, and i'm aware of the need for me to change to be able to meet them. but i don't often think of my spouse's changing needs. or my own. they always seem stagnate to me. maybe because we aren't developing pubic hair or starting periods... but even once those milestones are met and passed, our needs still change. so this will be the new ball of yarn the kitten in my mind plays around with...the new sign posts my eyes search for...and the prayer i send up and try to stay open to the answer to.

peace

still learning...always learning

2010-04-07T23:23:00.002-05:00

i have this post about judgment brewing, but it's not for tonight. tonight i went to an adoration service with my teen, and we heard a speaker, and that's what i want to write about.

it wasn't just my teen and i...i took the babiest girl, too. and then the other three joined us once their religious ed classes were over. there was a speaker tonight from another youth ministry in another town. he wasn't the best speaker, but he made so many jokes about what a bad speaker he was and what he would've done differently if he were a good speaker, that you couldn't help but like him by the end.

my teen's been asking me to attend these once monthly adoration services with him, but i know he doesn't mind going alone. and i've felt kind of proud to watch him go alone, to tell the truth. but i knew he was kind of waiting for me to go, so i went ahead and went tonight. and i'll admit, it ran through my head that i could actually have a few minutes to myself tonight if i didn't go. but i've been working on being a vehicle for love...not the genesis of it, but a vehicle. so i decided to leave behind my selfish desire and join the group. and i'm so glad i did.

the speaker tonight talked about love. he asked what the opposite of love was, but then he just went ahead and told us (i think he was trying not to forget his point right in the start...). he said the opposite of love is lust. and that really surprised me. i'd never thought about that before. but as the love he was speaking about was godly love, selfless love, then lust as a selfish love meant to fulfill your own desire made a whole lot of sense to me. i've been playing with the concept all night in my mind.

the people i know that i feel the most drawn to and that i admire the most seem to be filled with a godly love...a love that comes from something bigger and beyond them, a love that is their beginning and end. they share it easily and reflect it readily. they're just fun to be around. you always receive something from them, if it's just feeling better for some reason you can't pinpoint or if it's something more specific like a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or even a hand to hold. but when i've tried, consciously tried to be that way, i often feel like whatever someone will receive will come from me...me being the generator of something positive for someone else. and i haven't always failed. but i have often ended up wondering what all the hoopla was about, because sometimes it can leave you feeling quite icky and empty and even resentful. but when i give, focusing on how i'll feel or even just focusing on myself as the giver, i think that's more self-centered love than i mean to be giving. and according to this speaker, it's lust. and i have greatly desired to be loved in my life. and that's the opposite of love...in the godly sense. which really, is the only sense of the word to me.

this feels pretty disjointed because it is still pretty fresh in my mind, new to my thoughts, and something i'm still stumbling over as i roll around in this new area of contemplation....

the music was really good tonight and the people were awesome. and babiest girl was the sweetest little thing...

peace

blurg

2010-04-05T22:44:00.003-05:00

that's what my teenager says when he feels, at least as i imagine, like i feel right now. blurg.

my house is torn up. i guess this is what you do when your baby girl is four and a half months old and you've had time to look around and see all that's gone to pot during pregnancy and the last four and a half months. and then you get a little time, the babiest is entertained by her brothers, the spouse is tearing up the garage, so you have a go at the living space. and because you tend to work in a domino effect style of reconstruction, and because that babies is still four and a half months old, you get halted along your domino process and regular life takes over and you're left with a process you've begun but don't have time to complete. blurg.

my friend jeanni is going home tomorrow. she's completed her first round of biochemotherapy and is doing alright. and as much as i yearn to share space with her, i know peace and prayers are what is called for. i am hoping to visit her this weekend, but you just never know how life will go... blurg.

my great aunt died last week. her name was celie. her husband died before her and his name was c.b. when i was a little girl, i told them i couldn't wait to be an old person if i could be as funny as they are. and because they were such joy loving folks, they just laughed when i said that. (they were probably fifty when i told them this...snort) my aunt celie was 91 years old when she died. and she was an energizer bunny type of woman. i took my kids to celebrate her 85th birthday and told her that i was so grateful that they could celebrate with her as children the way i did as a child. and she took a sip from her bloody mary and gave me a very sweet hug and i can still feel if i think about it. she was living up north when she died and they had a memorial service for her there today. i can only imagine the laughter and smiles that were there. there will be another service closer to home sometime in the future and i plan on attending with my kids...if life doesn't get in the way... blurg.

my fil was admitted to the hospital tonight. he went to the e.r. for stomach pain, but because of his heart attack two years ago, they tested his cardiac enzymes and they were somewhat elevated. so he was admitted and will probably be cathed tomorrow. that in and of itself is something to offer up to prayer. but then my husband's sisters are not getting along. it's more than not getting along, but that's a whole 'nother blog for a whole 'nother day. but one of his sisters is stating her case for this whole deal right now to him on the phone. sigh. because this is energy that i realize needs to be spent, but at the same time, it's...yes, you guessed it...blurg.

so what, in fact, does blurg mean? i guess it means yuck. yawn. okay. i'll sit in it. well, that's the best i can come up with.

busy day ahead at co-op tomorrow. robotics is half over, so i don't have that tomorrow. but there is a soccer game and soccer practice and oh yeah, chemistry. i should get to bed. babiest is sleeping and while it gives me time to blog, i have to be careful not to miss my chance for some sleep, too.

peace and prayers...lots and lots of peace and prayers

joy

2010-04-02T22:29:00.003-05:00

ever wish you had someone to share joy with? hehe, i promise i'm not going to turn this into a pity party...

anyway...life is what we make of it. i get that. but it's nice to have folks along that either celebrate the joy while it's happening, or help you remember it when it's not exactly happening...or better yet, help you find it when you think it's gone.

i try to be one of those people. but i know i fall short. i know i get caught in my moods...and i know i share those moods when i should probably shelf them for a bit before looking for someone to share them with.

tonight i'm in one of those moods where you feel on the cusp of joy, but weighed down by something that i can only guess isn't joy. and you just wish someone would push you over. but probably, when i feel this on edge, i should just go to bed.

i wish i had a beer...

it does bring me joy to think of my sister fishing with my dad right now. i can almost feel the wind on the gulf when i think of her doing that. i can definitely hear her laugh. and she might not be laughing right now. but i'm pretty sure if i was there, she'd be laughing...(probably AT me, but i digress...)

my sister is on a journey to be a mother. she's not pregnant...at least not physically pregnant. but i think she's probably pregnant in other ways...reading about parenting, thinking about kids, wondering what hers will look like, imagining how she'll rearrange her home, her life, relationship with her partner once her kids arrive to her. she's going through the process to foster to adopt. and i am so proud of her. and so grateful to be able to be a part of her journey. i'm joyously excited to be looking forward to meeting my nieces or nephews or both...whichever she is given. (she's looking to foster to adopt a sibling group, but like always, i guess we'll see what life shoots her way...)

i am also thinking of my friend, jeanni...at the hospital in the middle of her first round of biochemotherapy. jeanni has taught me a lot about joy...feeling it in the moment...appreciating it. i will go stay with my friend lana and her beautiful, wonderful family next weekend so that i can visit jeanni and her family. this brings me so much joy, i think i might cry.

and tonight...tonight does bring me joy. it's been pretty warm lately. but it rained today. and now it's really cool outside. with a little breeze. the weather has a huge affect on me and tonight feels awesome. like i could sail away in that breeze, arms open wide, feeling it all.

ok...that's enough of that...
peace out

just some stuff today...

2010-04-01T22:50:00.002-05:00

things i thought or said or heard today...

my youngest son, e, started off this morning by finding a long lost stuffed animal, squirt, and declaring it a "happy ever after kind of morning"...this is one of the beautiful things about having children.

ack...he later said something to n, my baby girl...but i cannot recall it. grrrr.... maybe it'll come to me before i finish typing.

at mass today, we had our penitential rite. i like this part. i missed it for YEARS when my older kids were small and i consider it making it to mass on time if i made it before the second reading. so it's meant a lot to me to be able to make it and recite it these last number of years. "i confess to you almighty god, and to you my brothers and sisters, that i have sinned through my own faults. in my thoughts and in my words. in what i have done and what i failed to do. and i ask almighty god and blessed mary ever virgin and you my brothers and sisters to pray for me to the lord our god." the thing i thought while i said this was that i am one of those sisters everyone else in the church is asking to pray for them. how i missed this for so long, i'm not sure. i may have the tiniest bit of egocentricity. i often look around and think about everyone present at church (and those not present) as my community....as my brothers and sisters....as folks traveling along this same earth. but i guess since i'm still kind of new to the penitential rite, it makes sense that this would be a new revelation. i have a lot of praying to do...

and my friend, mama jeanni, has completed her second day of her first cycle in her clinical trial for bio-chemotherapy. facebook has become the avenue to hear how she's doing...funny, isn't it? i almost fell over dead when jeanni joined facebook...she's just not much of a techno mama. well, i mean she's one hell of a techno mama...all programming space shuttles and whatnot. but she's not much of a recreational techno mama. but how grateful i am to get to hear about her on facebook. :D she and her husband and her son continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and, as always, in my heart.

why is it that after working on my lawnmower today, i can't stop smelling gasoline off and on? it's grossing me out.

my sister and i had a text discussion today about that lawnmower. and i am, as always, grateful for my sister.

and i am keeping my nose out of everything...even my own life. i realize that out of all the havoc i can cause in life, it's never as much as the chaos i'm capable of bringing to my own life. so i'm just staying out of it. hehe

and that's it. obviously, i'm just typing here to exercise my fingers and put some thoughts on the screen...organize a little of the knot of thoughts and experiences and feelings and words that is my brain. things are alright. but i am just tired, tired, tired.

oh hey, but i remembered the other thing e said. as baby sister was clocking him on the head and grabbing handfuls of his face in a way that was painful, and i was coaching him on different ways to work with her so that they could interact but him help her to be a little more gentle, he said, "mom, you sure know a lot about babies." and he then smiled his million watt smile. and that was awesome.

peace out

god's thumbnail

2010-03-20T23:41:00.002-05:00

tonight the moon was what my grandmother used to call "god's thumbnail"...i believe astronomists call it a crescent. but it just seemed exactly like god's thumbnail once my grandmother pointed it out, and it's been that ever since.

i like to look at the sky at night. i'm looking for operating instructions, to be honest. sometimes it's very bright...sometimes it's very clear. i can almost always see orion in the late fall and winter, it seems. although i will admit i am so spatially challenged that as we rotate at night, i have a hard time finding him and it makes me shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh because it seems like as he moves in the same direction each night, it shouldn't be so hard to find him...but i admit i often walk inside, shaking my head and laughing and having no idea where the hell he went.

there's a sky i see sometimes...it's dark blue...midnight blue i guess (haha, snort)...but there's enough moon that when the clouds make this cool pattern, it looks like a dark blue tie dye pattern. and it reminds me of my friend jeanni. i think she has a shirt like this, but maybe i just made that up. so either way, it is what i have termed in my mind a "jeanni sky." and three nights ago (hell, i think it was three...it's been a busy week), there was a jeanni sky. and it didn't surprise me. jeanni's had some stuff going on, and i've been thinking about her lots. and i hadn't heard from her that night, so i'd been thinking about her especially because it felt kind of foreboding that i hadn't heard from her..."no news is good news" be damned.

i have since heard from her and it wasn't good news. it wasn't necessarily bad news, although jeanni could probably argue that with me if she had a mind to. and she might have a mind to. but she might also not freaking feel like it. the news was that life will change...and it always does...damn it. but why is it that when life deals you those lessons about change, it's always more than you ever wanted? and it is never the way you would've chosen.

marriage comes to mind at this point. we obviously choose to get married. but even then, it rarely goes the way you would've chosen and it's often more than you ever wanted.

but there's been a lot of change in this new year.

my friend julie is here with her new daughter...she's a week old...in her life as julie's daughter. well, a week and a day. julie's daughter is actually four years old. and she's from india. and she is the most amazing thing to hit my house since my daughter. this little one, who i've been calling ruby-roo, is beautiful and mesmerizing and just a damned good sport all around. no, she doesn't speak english. and no, we don't know her language. but we teach her a few words and she teaches us a few words and we all smile a lot because we are just so darned happy to hang out together. i am very honored that julie brought her here to share with all of us and hope it's been worth her while. (what the hell does worth her while mean? i mean, i know what the phrase means, but is that really how it's written out?...) but i'm not going to share with julie my feelings right now about change being more than we ever wanted or rarely going the way we would've chosen. we'll let her get a little further down the way and see if she notices this on her own...

but for me, right now, as i sit in the middle of these changes this year has brought, to those i love (and god, do i love them), as well as the change it's brought to my own life, i can't help but reflect on the things that stay the same (you totally saw that coming, right?).

love. love stays the same. it changes in our relationships, strengthens, weakens, waxes and wanes...like the moon...but it's always there. sometimes in different people, in different relationships, in ourselves and out. but it's there. we may ache for it in the same relationships, ache for it in ourselves, ache for it in the same ways it used to be there. and the ways will change. but the love will always be there. will always find us.

the older i get (and while i realize i may not be THAT old, i don't think anyone would argue that i'm not THAT young anymore either), the more surprised i am by the places i find love that i never would've thought i'd find it. and i'm even more surprised by how much love i find in me. now maybe that's because i've given up the belief that i am the generator of my life and i've opened myself up to the Love that is the true generator of us all. but even that surprises me. it's an act of faith. and while i've always had an easier time believing in good things (i mean really, santa and the easter bunny have never been a huge stretch for me and i never saw the big deal in my parents being the ones to really do it all...it all still happened and was good in the end...), i've always also believed that if i was good enough, did the right thing, earned it somehow, love would come. but now i know love is always there. always has been. always will be.

it may be a perspective thing. one person's trash is another's treasure type of deal. and i have learned not to push my trash on someone who doesn't want it...and the same goes for my treasure. people like to make these evaluations for themselves. we have to. that's part of the whole deal. but i know that love will always, in the end, find us. just like god's thumbnail found me tonight.

peace

question authority

2010-03-11T23:29:00.003-06:00

i have a tshirt that says that..."question authority". my spouse doesn't really like it. or at least all he's said about it is to express some concern that a parent in our house wears a shirt in front of the kids that says that. i don't know why he's bothered by it. they questioned me long before i bought the tshirt, but anyway... (maybe he sees himself as the authority in our house and doesn't want me to encourage them questioning him? i dunno...)

anyway...today i got stopped by a police officer. i didn't get a ticket, but i did get a lecture. he was driving down a rather busy street in our town that i was approaching on a side street. and yes, i was approaching pretty quickly...a screaming baby in her car seat and being five minutes late to a guitar lesson can make your foot a little heavier. plus, it's a crappy side street, full of pot holes, and i can miss every single pot hole going exactly forty-five miles an hour...plus miss any cars that happen to be on that street, which is very few since it IS such a crappy street (that i must admit, i do not know the speed limit of). anyway...i stopped at the stop sign, noticed the crappy look the officer gave me, then pulled out behind him, where there were no other cars. i noticed him stopping in his lane (the right one) when i passed him (in the left). when he got behind me, i pretty much knew he was going to pull me over. at the light, i started wondering how i would see his lights since he was on a motorcycle and i didn't see where his lights would light up. but as soon as the light turned green, it didn't take long for the universe to answer that question for me. (rolling my eyes WAY BACK in my head...) so i pulled over, with him behind me...did i mention the fifteen year old was right next to me in the passenger seat? the officer came up and asked me for my license and registration, all official-like. so i got it out and gave it to him (OF COURSE wondering whether or not my license was current...and i knew it was, but cops just make me feel guilty even when i'm not). he told me that i shouldn't drive so fast down that street, asked me why i would endanger my passengers by doing so (which just ruffled my mama feathers, i mean seriously, what does he know about what i do to keep my passengers out of danger?). he then explained that i stopped passed the stop sign and how that is called "failure to stop" (which i felt was BULLSHIT but kept my mouth shut...the street's busy...people drive fast down that stretch and you have to pull out enough to see if they're coming but not too far where you might get hit...) and then proceeded to explain how i turned right into the left lane and how that is called a "wide right turn" which i guess, since he pointed it out, should be avoided? but i honestly don't remember that in driver's ed, which i admit was awhile back, but since there was NO ONE ELSE ON THE ROAD i just don't see why it was relevant. so then he let me go.

now, i was pretty ticked at this guy. i mean seriously, aren't there CRIMINALS or something he could spend his time pursuing? i was going fast, sure. but he doesn't know how fast...he was driving (on a MOTORCYCLE if we want to consider danger), not clocking my speed. and those other things he took the time to mention...seriously? i mean, seriously? maybe it ticked me off because he sounded like my husband listing shit that doesn't matter but proving that he, too, can come up with a list. maybe it was just that i KNEW he was not going to give me a ticket because really, there was nothing he could ticket. maybe it was just his manner during the whole thing. i was also ticked because my fifteen year old was watching the whole thing and i just knew i wouldn't be able to handle it, afterward, with the grace i wanted to be able to handle it with. i mean, my baby was crying the whole time the guy was lecturing me. and he made us late to boot.

sigh. i will talk to my teen tomorrow. i will explain that i will slow down on that stretch of crappy road. i will explain that while i drive that road multiple times a week (sometimes multiple times a day), that the officer was right in telling me to slow down (but i admit i will also probably tell him the rest of the stuff was fluff). i will also mention to my teen that perhaps if he'd get ready when i tell him to, we won't run five minutes late. but then i guess it's better he tell his guitar teacher we ran late because he wouldn't get his crap together rather than because his mom got pulled over.

and life goes on...
peace

so like it's already march?

2010-03-03T23:35:00.002-06:00

how did february fly by so quickly? oh yeah, i was busy as hell...

and i'm still busy as hell. i did manage a vacation with my family to visit some friends...and that was really nice. lots of snow. life just feels cleaner when everything's white...well, for someone who lives where it rarely snows it does. and i've had to hit the ground running now that i'm home. so. much. to. do.

but i wanted to check in and remind myself that i have a blog. (although i need to admit that these days i still get in the car and count my children just to be sure i haven't forgotten anyone, so remembering i have a blog is kind of low on the priorities...but it's still good to visit...wish someone would come post some cool stuff here...)

peace

hey, i'm doing it again

2010-02-08T10:01:00.002-06:00

blogging, that is...

when i blog regularly, it's just like anything else i do regularly...it just becomes something i do, i do it, and i keep going. and i feel good about it. (i feel the same way about running, btw...and am finding it just as difficult to get back into the swing of running as well.) and i am having such a hard time returning to regular blogging. part of me wonders why i care. i mean, i "see" somewhere on the internet or in person most of the folks who read this blog. but there is something about words for me. they help me process the world. and i get a little backed up. and when i avoid dealing with my verbal/processing constipation, well, we all know that shit needs somewhere to go, right? and like i mentioned in my last post, i think not blogging leads to much mindfucking, which then leads to worry, and then that energy still has to go somewhere and i assume it just swirls around in me, eventually leading to ulcers or cancer or my hair falling out at least...and then the sadness over those things will just jump into the fray of energy already swirling around and i'll probably just die. i mean, i don't mean to be morbid, but let's just get this out, 'k?

i admit i was going for a little shock value in my last post. mostly because i walked around in a state of shock for most of january. never really knowing what was coming next...and for awhile there, let's be honest, it just. kept. coming. but that is life. and it is also life to just sit and see how everything will settle...get used to the "new normal". (i can't explain it...i understand the phrase "new normal"....yet there is still something i hate about it...just sayin')

anyway....i was thinking about january, reflecting on everyone that was affected by it, everyone in the same position i am, waiting on that "new normal" bullshit, everyone who acted in ways that began the cascade that was january...i have so many questions i want to ask...so many things i want to say...things i'd like to hear. but i'm a little afraid of fucking it up worse. and while i usually feel that's kind of "egocentric with an inferiority complex" of me (thank you anne lamott for a diagnosis finally), right now i feel like it's just intelligence. if it feels logical to me that unchanneled energy can reek a little havoc and cause things i don't want, then it seems like channeled energy should be able to do really good things. but i think it takes time to channel energy...and i think it takes time for the good things that need to be done to be revealed sometimes. so, again, as anne lamott says, i'm just waiting for my next operating instructions. and in the meantime, i'm going to be grateful for opportunities to blog, try to find opportunities to run, and keep my therapist in business, i'm sure.

peace

hey hey

2010-02-07T01:53:00.004-06:00

it's so weird to blog. only because i think about blogging a lot. i compose them in my head...while i fall asleep...while i nurse the baby...while i drive. but then i never seem to find the time to actually do it. and then i stay away because i'm afraid that once i actually pull up my blog and click on "new post"...it'll just lead to this verbal vomitting of things...so many damned things...that i need to get off my chest and send that energy out in the world to grow trees or something more useful than swirling around inside of me causing ulcers or something.

i am so glad january's over...

in january i...

learned my father's brother was hocking all of my grandmother's things (along with his daughter) to support a drug habit.

learned my stepfather has prostate cancer but doesn't want anyone to know anything about it.

learned that one of my niece's let one of her aunties and uncles know that she felt they were selfish people and terrible parents.

learned that my stepmother's brother hung himself.

and that was my january. so good fucking riddance to january, i say.

but...because i am who i am...i have to say that in january i also...

saw my father reach out to his brother and take care of his mother in a way i know he probably had long wanted to, but felt out of place to do.

showed up for my stepfather and mother (and grandfather and stepgrandmother) and it just felt good.

let my sil (beforementioned auntie) know that i love her and feel for her and totally support her, and that seemed to mean a lot to her, so i'm glad i took the time to do it.

was able to spend a number of days with my stepmother and father and sister and brothers with my youngest...and although it was very raw, i am again glad i showed up.

so the lesson of january? show up. unless you can't...and then that's okay too. but make the choice each time...think about it and go with what you got.

so now it is february. and i had a birthday. and i got soooo many wonderful, fabulous, amazing birthday wishes, texts, songs, cards. i don't know where i found all these wonderful, fabulous, amazing people...or maybe they found me?...at any rate, they are the gift i have always wanted and will never know how to repay or say thanks enough for. and that is the lesson of february.

peace out

ps--just wanted to clarify...my father's brother, along with his daughter, were hocking my grandmother's things...his brother wasn't hocking my grandmother's things along with his daughter...that sentence was a little clumsy, eh? the parentheses fucked it all up...but it was clear in my head, i just wanted to say...

joy

2010-01-18T00:59:00.002-06:00

tonight, i can't help myself...i feel joy. i don't know if it's a delirium brought on by exhaustion and stress, if it was church, if it's the smiles and touches of my children, if it's the help and support given me my friends and family...those things are always a part of my life. but tonight...i feel joy.

i looked at the trees tonight, empty and bare...stark. my grass is brown and flat. and it reminded me, in a way it's only done since i moved to this town, of the seasons of life. only since i've been here have i really noticed the barrenness of winter and craved the green life that spring brings. and it has often made me aware of the seasons of life. i have felt like much of the last year has been winter. when i went through my calendar at the end of this last year, i was relieved to be reminded of all the green times i had forgotten. my seasons definitely cycle a little quicker than the trees...but that's okay. i was thinking tonight about how the brown grass will be green again...and maybe it holds the joy of knowing that time will come. but then it must also hold the knowledge that winter will always come, and spring again. and how both of those things exist always. and it helped me hold my own knowledge. of the stark and the lush. of the brown and the green. the death and the life. the sadness, fear, loneliness, and anger as well as the happiness, courage, company, and joy.

and tonight, i just can't shake this joy. and for that, i am thankful.

peace

dark

2010-01-12T23:40:00.003-06:00

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

the goal is awareness

2010-01-12T22:52:00.002-06:00

and i am failing miserably.

i set a goal this week to be aware of what i do with my time. yet i still arrive at the end of my days wondering where the hell the time went and whether or not i got a thing done...and then i usually fall asleep before i answer either of those questions. which makes for a rather disjointed existence...lots of surprises, i 'll admit...but a little disconcerting when you're a hsing mama of five.

but let me tell you a couple of things i remember...

one thing i find deeply, deeply pleasing in a quiet, delightful way is the way water runs through baby hair. my youngest and i took a bath tonight and i had that warm full feeling you get when you get to do something you love, forgot you loved, and all of a sudden, the warmth of every time you've ever done it fills you.

i'm watching that same littlest suck her fingers with sleepy swollen eyes try to suck her thumb while i type this.

and i heard the absolute funniest line tonight..."i'm going to tell him every time he looks at porn, god kills a puppy."

ok, littlest is finished. g'nite...
peace

possibility

2010-01-03T20:41:00.003-06:00

when i blog in my head, i try to come up with a title that will help me remember what i was thinking about...one word to capture a thread of what i'm working on as i drive or fall asleep or rock and nurse a baby. a few days ago, i named a thread perspective. but i can't for the life of me remember what it was about. well, obviously it was about perspective, but i couldn't remember how that was relevant to whatever it was i was thinking about. oh well.

so today, i typed a line about how having a teenager and a baby in the house made the air crackle with possibility. and i really liked that...something deep inside me raised its fist and went "right on!" so i felt i was on to something. on the way to mass, i thought more about it. about the possibilities of my youngest as she grows and develops...and i mean from the ground up, you know. those darned hands...they're difficult. she keeps bopping herself on the head and i'm pretty sure that's not what she was trying to do. but she doesn't dwell in frustration...she keeps on going. i think we'll have a party when she gets control of those little hands. and her eyes...oh man...the other day she had the hiccups and every time she'd hiccup, her eyes would cross. and it would take her a few minutes to uncross them. but then she'd hiccup and they'd cross again. it was a little diaphragm/ocular muscle workout for about fifteen minutes. i admit it, i laughed. and it's awesome watching her develop and grow...all those possibilities for her. it squeezes my heart.

and then there's her biggest brother with all of his own possibilities. a brother-in-law who's a high school counselor talked to me about testing, scholarship, and college admission requirements over the holiday. (and btw, it's kind of really uncool to talk to a new mom about this stuff so soon after birth...just if you were wondering...makes her feel THAT MUCH MORE overwhelmed than she already did and also makes her kind of hate you...just sayin') but my teen has so many possibilities ahead of him. and i don't just mean educationally or academically or career choosing/developing/shaping. his first girlfriend broke up with him yesterday. oh my...for a nonviolent woman, i really did want to punch her face in just the tiniest bit. and watching him deal with that...that squeezed lots of stuff, too. and i'll admit it, i cried...after everyone went to bed that night...a little because i hurt for him and a little for me just because it felt overwhelming.

there is so much emphasis on raising babies. and the teen years so often just get generalized as difficult or rebellious or whatever. but it is amazing watching a young one cross that long winding bridge to self responsibility and accountability. (like the way i made it sound like there's an end to that bridge? well, if there is, i haven't found it yet) it's just neat to go from walking in front of your child, holding their hands, supporting them, clearing the path of any dangers, showing them where to go, providing them good nutrition, good opportunities, experiences to walking alongside them...sometimes even letting them lead. hell, sometimes needing them to lead. and this is what i've found parenting to be about...for all five of them. and so i have six wonderful folks i get to do walk with daily...because yes, my pharmacist/doctor/breadwinner husband walks right alongside us. and that is just so much possibility in one house...

when i taught philosophy, i read this poem with the students by emily dickinson called "i dwell in possibility"...

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

the kids were brilliant about it. i remember one student that brought tears to my eyes as he talked about his blank page being possibility...nothing but everything at the same time. and i think this is where i dwell...or what dwells in me...either way.

peace

glub glub

2009-12-22T23:20:00.003-06:00

i am tired. and life goes on. this is how it is with newborns...it's kind of coming back to me, but it's all so foggy, i guess it's just more of a vague dejavu feeling (and yes, spell check says that's spelled wrong, but i know that it's something like that, dammit). i feel like i'm living life underwater...like when you try to have a tea party at the bottom of the swimming pool, or try to say things underwater and see if the other person can understand you. my eyes burn like i've been in chlorine and often times i cannot understand what someone else is trying to say, so i just smile and nod and think "whatever." i mean really, i kept harping on having a newborn...at 35...with a teenager in the house...and a preteen. but i never even began to take into consideration the whole proximity to christmas issue. yeah...glub, baby, glub.

and i was thinking tonight how pregnancies and babies kind of stick you on a health kick whether or not you want one. how you can't drink or smoke when you're pregnant. you have to eat well...for two. and then after baby's born i mean...you can drink...but not a lot...and after nine months of being pregnant, i find it best to not tempt myself. and this baby does not do well when i eat dairy...like, she cries and grunts and is in pain. so really...no drinking, no smoking, and no dairy. i'm sitting here eating this "dairy free frozen iced dessert" which basically tastes like frozen chocolate water...mmm....but i've almost knocked out the whole pint.

really, i just needed to get those things out because they're really weighing me down...killing my buzz. i am wasted tired. and it is a lonely feeling no matter who you've got to talk to because, well, i think it just has to be. babies don't talk and so mamas have to be alone, get quiet, remember how to communicate in those other ways. when i watch her, i see her change her expressions when she sleeps. i see things that make me laugh out loud or get tears in my eyes. i watch her look like me, like her brothers, like her dad. i watch her take in her world. i can tell when she's looking at something or just zoning out, getting ready to fall asleep. i see her dance with sleep, in and around sleep. i love to watch her relax. my favorite is when she makes really passionate noises...not cries...almost like crying, but she pauses in between...to give me time to think about what she's said.

she likes the indigo girls. ask her biggest brother...he tries to play all kinds of music for her on his guitar, but the only thing that soothes her is closer to fine. her littlest big brother got to hold her standing up tonight...this was huge for him...i don't know why kids are so adamant to try the very things you ask them not to...he'd mention it every other day or so..."i can't wait until i'm big enough to hold the baby standing up"...but he did really well. one of her middle big brothers constantly refers to himself in the third person when he talks to her...i wonder sometimes if she wonders who he's talking about...even though i know she's not quite there yet...it just strikes me as funny. and her other middle big brother finally held her for the first time two nights ago, even though he's almost six years older than the littlest big brother ("he's the only brother who hasn't held her standing up...well, the only big brother who's ALLOWED to hold her standing up that is...i'm not allowed yet"). he doesn't talk to her too much...he's like me...he's afraid of rejection from the babies...afraid they'll see some character flaw we're able to hide from older, less observant folks.

life is so different. it is so much harder in some ways. it is so much richer in some ways. it's so rich, it's like walking through sticky mud...makes you slow down...wears you out...gets frustrating, throws off your groove..but you also notice more stuff. you can look at your feet and dwell on being angry that your shoes are getting fucked up. you can fret at the time that's being wasted. or you can look around and see how much greener everything is after all the rain. of course, when it rains in the winter, there's not so much green. but there is still a beauty to things being bare...everything waiting for the next spring. mostly, i'm just excited i can type sentences...well, sort of...even while i'm so tired.

now i must go figure out what i've bought each child for christmas...i can't keep things straight in my head. and i need to go finish the last of my christmas cards. and drink some water...i keep forgetting to drink the damned water. how are you supposed to make breast milk when you forget to drink fluids?...glub glub

peace

dare i be so bold...

2009-12-20T22:51:00.003-06:00

as to say i'm back? it'd be nice...but maybe this is just another visit, i don't know. i blog all the time in my head, though. just never really have the time to sit down and type it out. there are so many other hundreds of things i haven't yet gotten to...things i'm pretty severely behind on...but here i sit. must be time, i guess.

so i had the baby. a girl, ifyoucanbelieveit. i'm having a hard time believing it myself. things i forgot about having a newborn...

it is exhausting. like, i know what exhausting means. i understand intellectually what it means when someone says they're exhausted. i've even described myself as exhausted, and i really thought i was at the time. but i don't know that i've really experienced exhaustion in its truest sense since my youngest son turned a year old. but now...oh, now...i am really getting reacquainted with exhaustion. and really, i'm being a weinie about it because my baby girl, she sleeps pretty well, nurses pretty well...shame on me for complaining. but i will add, as a disclaimer, that i'd been getting a good eight hours a night for at least four years, and this has been quite a descension, which spell check says is not a word, but i'm saying it is.

healing...i forgot what healing was like after birth.

well, i hear a sweet fragile little cry coming my way. and it makes my breasts feel as though they're going through the little roller thing at the car wash that you send the chamois through...can't think of the word for some reason. anyway...i'll try again tomorrow.

mostly, though, it's really good. my therapist said, "love always softens you." and it's true. we're all just gloppy gloopy messes around here. milk, tears, smiles, spit up, laughter, sometimes a little drool...i think she may be each of her brothers first true love...and we are all grateful.

peace

something different for a minute...

2009-11-02T10:35:00.002-06:00

so i've had babies on the brain pretty much continuously for the past few weeks. i think this is understandable. but something else i've had on the brain that i don't think i've blogged about is having high schoolers on the brain.

my teen decided to join the high school youth group at our church this year. he really likes music and the music the youth minister plays at the teen mass has really drawn my oldest in, so he was ready to make a commitment. i have struggled for awhile with how to handle my children's religious upbringing...i know when i baptized them i promised to raise them catholic and i believe i have. but i think i've said before, my favorite quote about religion is about preaching the gospel everyday, and using words when you have to. so i have not ever made my kids go to religious education classes. my oldest went when we lived in the same town as our families because his cousins went and it was fun to do stuff with the cousins. but once we moved, they never had any interest and i never pushed.

well, this year, as my teen decided to try out the high school youth group, my two middle kids also decided they were ready to take their first communion. now, i can be a rebel and such, but i wasn't exactly ready to just let them start taking communion. so i explained that they'd have to start taking classes and learn about the sacrament before they could do it...much like taking driver's ed before learning to drive. could they learn without the class? sure. but it's just better to take the class and we can work on it at home, too. turns out the religious ed director decided as a hsing family, it would be ideal for them to join their normal religious ed classes with their peers and i could do the reconciliation/communion education at home (these two sacraments go together...kind of like washing your hands before you eat in a spiritual way). so now they all go to religious ed classes (because you know, the littlest does not like being left out of stuff these days...well, the littlest for the next few weeks, right?). it's been a big adjustment and it's added a lot to our schedule, but it's also added a lot to our family life as well as to the community that is supporting us. and that's been an awesome thing.

but this doesn't go very far in explaining why i have high schoolers on the brain, does it?

right when my son decided to join the high school group, the youth minister made an announcement during mass that the high school group was very short on adult women volunteers for small group leaders and anyone able to help out should talk to him. now, i was seven, almost eight months pregnant at the time. but i knew the youth minister because i coached his son on the robotics team i co-coached last season (oy, we all remember that, right? :) ). and i really liked the whole family. and i felt a pull to volunteer. but i did not let myself rush off and jump into something i would not be able to handle or complete. i thought about it for awhile...why i felt pulled, if and how i could make it work, etc.

i think the main reason i felt pulled to do this was because i have a high schooler in my house. and more on the way. my second born will be twelve in just over two months...and that's only a year away from the big "T", you know? so i felt like i needed to make some peace with teens...spend some more time with them and get to know them. and seriously, what better place to do that than at church? with other adults there to guide and support and pray for these kids (and ourselves, i admit...we do often add ourselves to our intentions when we pray for these kiddos...that we're able to be true instruments of peace for them). it's awkward sometimes, walking into that room of high schoolers. i can't deny, it calls to mind all my own high school angst and weirdness and shyness and anxieties. weird, huh? i've only recently really started talking to them. i just watched them for the first month. they're really quite beautiful, under all that make up and funky hair and loud, tight, "just so" clothes. even under some of their scowls. they are so sincere when you listen to them...homework really is one of their biggest concerns and it really is a challenge to get it all done and still do the things they enjoy. they are still young enough to make silly jokes and get excited about music and sports and books and let it show in such an open way. but they're also getting older...developing their convictions...taking responsibility for their futures. i think i knew all of this intellectually. but it's been a whole 'nother ball game experiencing it first hand. and it's been incredible.

so i spend a lot of time praying for these teens in my small group. we wade through discussions of difficult and sometimes awkward topics...i can tell they're wondering if i'm going to tell their parents what they say or if i am judging them by what they say. so i try to offer some of myself...enough to get the ball rolling but not so much as to overwhelm them. lol this is not always an easy balance to find. but i think sometimes we're kind of proud of the stuff we come up with as a group. well, at least i'm proud of them for what they offer and share.

so that's why i've had teens on the brain. it's been awesome to see my oldest interact with the kids in this group...and with the adults. it's been awesome just getting to spend time with and develop a true respect for these guys at this amazingly pivotal time in their lives. i don't think our culture does a great job of supporting them through this transition, but rather than sit bitching on the sidelines, i'm glad i took the chance and got in the game. i am sure i will learn a lot, and that always involves making mistakes, but why should i expect my life to be any different from theirs?

peace

winding down...

2009-10-30T14:46:00.003-05:00

so, today is 38 weeks...can you believe i've been doing this pregnant thing for THIRTY-EIGHT weeks? i can't... i am rolling along fine...dilating a few here...effacing some there...and now my spouse is finished working his month of nights, so i'm thinking i might be able to relax some and get this thing started soon...but who knows?

so here are some belly shots...i've been promising my mama tribe. i did these last week, but, as i think you can tell by the concentration it took just to get the shots in my bathroom mirror, i am a total novice at this. (oh, and my shirt is not dirty...the kids' bathroom mirror is dirty...see? i didn't even think to clean it off before i started this...) i did a couple with my shirt down, and a couple with my shirt up. my husband swears i still don't look pregnant from behind, but whatever... :)

yeah, so by that last one, i realized i could actually look at the mirror and get a face shot in there...not that that's exactly the face i would've chosen, but i just wasn't about to try to redo these. (oh bonnie, where are you when i need you?...)

the baby's going to be a pumpkin for halloween tomorrow, so i'll get my spouse to take some pics of that, along with all the other kids, and maybe i'll get those posted before thanksgiving...hehe. actually, i've been having some pretty intense abdominal muscle pain and now have to take it easy as much as possible, so i'll probably get them posted next week since sitting at the computer does not constitute overdoing it.

ok, well, there are things to think over...and i'm sure i'll get around to those...but for today, pictures is enough.

peace out

hi

2009-10-28T19:16:00.002-05:00

wow, long time no write, eh? i think it started with computer issues...viruses and stuff...and eventually, i just never got back into the habit of blogging. i still blog in my head often, but nothing i actually feel compelled to type out. well, there was one the other day, but i can't remember how i started it...and i'm kind of bummed about that. i'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

i'll be 38 weeks pregnant friday. crazy, huh? i took some pics of my belly i'll upload soon...like hopefully before the baby gets here. i'm contracting lots...have been off and on since last friday or so. i had a very uncomfortable night last night, but a warm shower and reading til the cramp (that's what i'm calling it for now) worked itself out. i've taken it a lot easier today. and my spouse ends his month of nights on thursday night, so it'll be nice to have my partner here when shit like that happens...and not have to page him and wait for him to be finished helping pregnant women NOT carrying his baby...not that i'm bitter, hehe.

but what prompted me to blog was earlier tonight. my three younger sons are in cce (which no catholic i know can tell me what exactly that stands for...catholic catechism education is the most reasonable thing i've heard, but i'm not 100% on that) and cce is wednesday nights. my spouse leaves for work after i leave to take the kids, so it's just me and the teenager (his high school religious group thingie is on sunday night) for an hour or more. tonight i asked him to go with me to drop off, so he could walk the kids up and i could just sit in the car. watching my four sons walk up to the religious ed building, all grouped together, all so much taller than the last time i watched all four of them walk together, some so much more broad...it was wild...just wild. amazing. joyous and nostalgic and incredible and humbling.

and that's all i have time for because now i need to drive him to go pick up those same guys.

peace

and it starts

2009-09-01T18:20:00.004-05:00

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

busy week

2009-08-21T11:04:00.002-05:00

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

looking ahead

2009-08-16T12:21:00.002-05:00

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

sick

2009-08-13T22:52:00.002-05:00

just a quick update...i have been sick since saturday night. and it sucks. started in my throat, then took over my head and face and neck, then just kind of hung out all over there for a day, now my throat is all phlegmy and hurts and i sound like a boy going through puberty. i'm also pretty tired, but i am getting some energy back today, i think. spent all of sunday in bed, though. can't remember the last time i did that.

so life goes on and there's lots everyone's going through, but it's funny how being sick can just kind of push all of that to the proverbial backburner. i mean, you've still got to deal with it in the moment, but process it too? nah. save it for a rainy day, right?

peace

so whaddya think it means...

2009-08-06T11:55:00.002-05:00

when the kids keep coming up and hugging you, saying "i love you, mom"? do i look that crappy these days? probably. the guy who sold me educational cd-rom's two weeks ago kept looking at me this morning, when he dropped them off, like he was really worried about me....like, "what happened to you?" normally i would want to put their minds at ease, but now i just roll my eyes and feel like, "what? so now i have to help you feel better, too?" i'm thinking this may be a sign of being "spread too thin" as my father puts it. or maybe that's my stepmom who puts it that way.

today is my youngest child's (well, youngest in those that have already been born) birthday. he has been counting this down since it was 321 days away or so. seriously. i'm the one who counts the days in my head when he asks. and he is so, so excited. when i woke up this morning, he shouted "morning mom! i'm six today!!" in case i'd forgotten. (see, i told you i look like shit...i mean really, he just told me yesterday.) so today i will finish cleaning up the house some (it is so good to have a deadline for some of this stuff) and make a fruit salad and that's about it. oh, i will wrap his presents, too. he got a soccer ball, some croc knock-offs, bubble bath, and pool toys. i hope he likes that stuff. i should go get him some candy just to be sure he really likes everything...nah. have faith. and if he doesn't like it...well, don't care too much about it. (ah, cracking my cynical self up here...see? this is a danger of having a cynical, depressed priest every sunday...you begin to feel cynically justified in these cynical thoughts...ah...worse than any drug...doh, i digress...)

i had an awful morning's sleep. maybe my body's just getting a jump on this whole waking up at crazy, odd hours, but i woke up at five this morning, and due to circumstances beyond my control (having to pee, the mister snoring so.freaking.loud., the dog chasing squirrels in her sleep and scratching her nails that DESPERATELY need to be trimmed on her kennel floor, dreams, anxieties, etc) i did not fall back to sleep until eight. and then overslept the alarm i'd set for nine and got up at nine thirty. i feel so completely discombobulated...(is that a word? it is in my head, but my eyes say "i'm thinking no") disoriented. that's better. my teen mowed the backyard because i was just too tired to do it. so my front won't get mowed. but i should go put away laundry (especially all the kids underwear drying on the drying rack in my front living room...bet they'd appreciate that, eh?) and vacuum. oh, and wrap those presents!! (slapping forehead...) let me finish this coffee before i hurt myself...

peace

life, whatnot

2009-08-04T14:34:00.004-05:00

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

trucking

2009-07-27T15:54:00.002-05:00

still trucking...thankful for friends...appreciative of family...listening to music...writing in my journal...walking on my treadmill...cleaning my house.

that about sums it up.

peace

yes, more lyrics

2009-07-20T11:12:00.003-05:00

treadmill time is a very happy time for me. yes, i like to sweat a little. yes, i like to feel like i'm getting a little stronger, moving around, working my muscles and bones and whathaveyou. but it's also because i put on music...and i sing...oh, i sing...it's a concert in my head and i love it. it makes me feel like i can make it through anything.

yesterday was kind of a crap day. i don't know what puts a shadow on some days and not others. sometimes maybe you catch someone in a bad mood, and that bad mood just stays with you the rest of the day...you wrestle it...defend yourself from it...but essentially keep it close for some reason god only knows...but god probably wonders why the hell i hold on to it, too, to be honest. anyway...i think if i just make an effort to immerse myself in things that make me happy when i feel that shadow holding on, maybe it'll take some of the edge off. maybe not...but maybe. i realize some shit you just have to sit in until it's time to get up...if you try to get up too soon, well, you're just not done yet. but some shit...and i can tell when it's this kind of shit (because after three and a half decades, i'm becoming somewhat of an expert on shit, donchaknow)...you just don't need to carry around...and that's the kind a little light therapy can help with.

so on the treadmill today...this is the song that caught my ear and my spirit. it's another terri hendrix and i didn't even bother with you tube because it was the words that got me...

No Love in Texas
By Terri Hendrix

I can’t get no love in Texas
It’s just hot air and cactus
All work and Taxes
Red lights and traffic
You know
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your sexy and still be naïve
Wanted to be everything and more each time you looked at me
I gotta tell you
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your only just a little bit of company
Now it’s a white knuckled flight
Thinkin’ ‘bout fantasies
With a copy of fear of flying
Tucked between my knees

Got these vampires at my window
Scratchin’ on the screen
They wanna take me on a head trip
Leave behind a crime scene
That’s a freaky kind of love

Sometimes my soul gets junky and I feel real funky
Like a bird in a cage or a dog on a chain
And like there’s a barrel of monkey’s swingin’ through my brain

the last two stanzas are the ones that really caught me...but the last three lines are my favorite, i think. i do like the whole song, though.

ok, now i have some things to get to...upward and onward.
peace out

ohm...

2009-07-19T16:04:00.002-05:00

i remember when my sophomore theology teacher taught the class how to spell that word...told us it had two syllables in it, too. (yep, in catholic school i learned this...he was one radical teacher, though...love to you, mr. foreman.)

i'm trying to get my zen on. i think that sentence may be part of my problem. i realize inner peace and awareness aren't really articles separate from me that i can put on...i do. but the fact that those words have gone through my head a couple of times, perhaps, points in which direction i might travel to start solving some of the problem. i know, i mean i really know, that much of life is not worth fretting over...working in my brain like some worry stone rubbed smooth. only half the stuff i worry about is more like little shards of glass that, instead of throwing OUT where they belong, i throw back down on the ground to pick up later and therefore pollute myself with this cutting stuff. i can usually project into a situation some of that "it ain't no thang" attitude...but then, on my own, in private, in that black little alley way of my head, i start chasing the tails and whipping the dead horses. oy vey...

so here are the lyrics of the song i've been singing in my head over and over today...when i take a break from the tail chasing and dead horse beating...

Bottom of a Hill
By Terri Hendrix

I live at the bottom of a hill
Where its been known to flood
I close my eyes every time it rains
I pray I never have to move my stuff
I let the grass get a little to high
So the dandelions can grow
What some call weeds I call flowers
It’s my yard to mow

Property taxes have hit the sky
It takes two paychecks
And credit cards to get by
To keep my electric bill low
I turn off the AC and open up the windows
They build the houses to close
You can hear the neighbors that’s the proof
You don’t have to be no Indiana Jones
To jump from roof to roof

I roll up that hill to get my pay
I roll back down at the end of the day
But I’m doing alright
I’m here with you tonight
I know where I am and where I stand
In this big world
I’m doing alright
Without a view of the city lights
I believe I found my soul
At the bottom of a hill

It’s the yin and yang of the business thang
Everyone sings when the register rings
Everyone cries when the money dries up
While you and I tough it out
We’ve got more wind chimes
Than we have trees
More prayers than time
To spend on our knees
I’m here for you you’re here for me
Let there be no doubt

there's not a you tube video for this song, damn them!!! ::raising my fist at you tube:: ah, i suspect if you go to terri's website, you can find a link for at least some of the song...if you're interested.

ok, off to get my kiddo from robotics and head to mass for some more good music.
peace out

yes we can, can (for jen)

2009-07-16T15:31:00.002-05:00

jen was posting about this song today...and if her church does another concert, and ESPECIALLY if they do this song, i will definitely be there. she and i watched a movie called young at heart, and they sang this song on there...you just have to watch the movie to know what i saw...it was beautiful, though. but i wanted to post this video, because this is how i learned this song. my mother was a huge pointer sisters fan while i was growing up, and watching this made me smile. (and no, my mother was not a huge soul train fan while i was growing up, but i loved this video...)

peace

something i found

2009-07-16T09:10:00.001-05:00

i've been listening to terri hendrix lately. so i went to find one of her songs on you tube called "life's a song." it is one of my favorites. it's on spiritual kind, which is another one of my favorites and i've posted that one here before. anyway, i found this video about life's a song that's also about a workshop terri puts on with lloyd maines called life's a song. i really liked the video and thought i'd post that here instead of just a video of her singing the song...but if you're interested, you tube has that, too.

peace

quickie

2009-07-13T18:29:00.002-05:00

i went camping this weekend. it was so, so, soooooo much fun. like "aaahh, i needed that" kind of fun. sun, sweat, laughing, swimming, rowing, fire, communal sleep time, waking up and heading out immediately, consuming my morning caffeine in the sun, sitting still for a little while...these are things that heal, nurture, make me a better person and keep me from feeling like an alien in my life. my sister and her partner being there made it even better. it was awesome shmawesome.

so much i want to write about, but i feel so antsy in my head and in my body...maybe i should've stayed at inks lake a few days longer? i'll get to it...eventually.

peace

you have to laugh at yourself

2009-07-09T12:28:00.003-05:00

because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't...

(quote by emily saliers)

hmmm....so that's about all i have today, i think. i'm just going to repeat these two lines in my head over and over...

peace

vulnerable

2009-07-03T13:11:00.005-05:00

i've been thinking about this word a lot lately...the feeling of being vulnerable. maybe it's just awareness...maybe our vulnerability doesn't change that often...we just feel it more so at different times...i don't know.

as i was walking yesterday, this song kind of made me crack open a little in my resistance to this whole vulnerability thing...

i don't want to sound completely narcissistic, but i think maybe the ghost i think of in this song is a ghost of me...not necessarily someone i used to be, but someone i used to think i was.

and then this song made me smile...

the whole "what makes me think i can start clean slated? the hardest to learn was the least complicated"...it always makes me smile. i've always had a hard time integrating the person i can't stand i am sometimes with the person i really want to be...and figuring out who i am in the middle. and somewhere in there, there are moments of incredible vulnerability...but again...i know that whatever or whoever i am, i am stronger than i believe. and however vulnerable i feel...i am incredibly resilient...and can forgive almost anyone anything...including, i've learned, even me.

peace out

ps--the weirdest spell check experience...it corrected every spelling of vulnerability, replacing it with the exact same spelling i had. i think the computers are just starting to screw with our heads...sensing weakness in the humans, they're making their psychological move...beware, folks. just sayin'. (and for further proof, it just did the same thing with psychological...weird...seriously weird...)

pss--oh, let me add this song that a friend posted the lyrics to earlier today and really made me smile...this is one of my most favorite songs...makes me smile in a place deep, deep down. it's originally a prince song, but i like matt nathanson's cover a little better...and this version is even better.

peace out for real...

don't freak out, but...

2009-06-30T20:19:00.004-05:00

my running log ticker is getting a few miles again. i'm not running, though. i'm walking. and with a twenty week fetus inside me, that feels like plenty. i do lift three pound arm weights while i walk, too. it feels good. when i make a point to exercise regularly, i eat better and i remember to take my vitamins, and i just become a more pleasant, productive person. i've been reading all these people magazines (thanks, carol!) that a friend sent me home with after i hung out at her house for a few days. there are a lot of articles in there about high profile/celebrity moms getting their bodies back after pregnancies. normally, i would think of those things as shallow and appearance fixated. but since i actually read some of those articles, i can report that a number of them talked about the moms learning to take time to take care of themselves...how they had stopped doing that. they work out, yes. they eat better, yes. some of them even watch calories. a lot of them just stopped eating as much (my friend jen swears by this as a weight loss philosophy and my friend cristy, who has broken up with gluten, dairy, and meat is pretty much proof of it). but they all talked about not being so worried about how they looked...i mean, they all said they liked how they looked...but they mostly said they liked feeling strong again. and i guess when i don't work out, i feel weak...and that probably has something to do with why i eat like crap and don't take my vitamins or get much done. so...there you go. or there i go, i guess. and really, what better time than the present? (and, you know, with a baby depending on me and such...)

peace

life, whatnot

2009-06-27T14:39:00.002-05:00

the bean is moving around a lot lately. it kind of weirds me out how much i can feel now, because i know the bean's only going to get bigger the second half of this pregnancy and i'm a little intimidated when i think about it... seems like since this is my fifth pregnancy, i shouldn't be so surprised by all of this, but, well, i am. i feel all thumbs... but it's a good thumby kind of feeling...lots of faith buoying me...and friends letting me know they're doing neat things like praying for me.

it was a good time this past week. we had a lot of fun hanging out with our friends we drove up to see. three mamas, ten kids, one on the way, and no dads...it was good stuff. really, really comfortable.

i just got five new books in the mail. three are about diet, fast food, the connection between health and eating. the other two are an anne lamott book and an inner/primal woman kind of thing. just covering all my bases, you know. i don't know why i haven't been updating my book list...i have read so many books this year. maybe i'll go through the pile next to my bed and put the ones i've read on there...you know, some day.

my house is coming along. not where i want it to be, but not so far behind i feel like it will never catch up.

the bunnies are all still safe. everyone seems to be fine. the one in teen's room is molting...what a freaking drag for poor teen. i think the vacuum will definitely become his good friend. the other two have peed all up and down the divider in their room (which translates to "this is my side and that's yours") and that's fine...whatever makes them happy as long as everybun's ears and eyes stay intact.

and markers...i talked a little this past week to a couple of friends about the bean's marker. i really don't think it's going to amount to anything. i don't always check on my feelings about that, so it was nice to check a little and find them pretty alright. and, i'll say, that for this week, i think the bean might be a girl...just what i'm thinking for this week and there is no promise at all that this is how i'll feel next week...but i thought i'd throw that in today.

otherwise, everything's moving along pretty steadily.
peace

out for a few days

2009-06-23T10:01:00.003-05:00

i am heading north a couple of hours to help out a friend and hang out and have a good time, too. i am grateful to be able to help, but i am also grateful to get out of my house for a few days....i'm kind of tired of trying to muster up some motivation to get it in shape. we're making some progress, but when my spouse works nights, it is hard times at home and we're all worn out from it. hoping i can come back feeling a little renewed and less stressed out and, frankly, resentful...

quick rabbit update...mazzy, the male who has kicked every other buns ass around here, is now living in my teen's room. he's got a pretty great set up and i think he's happy, although i will say, he looks a little lost with no asses to kick. oh.well. the other two have a divider between them in the rabbit room...they were both kind of skittish when i put them together yesterday...and who wouldn't be after getting your ass kicked twice each by a vicious old man bunny? but they look pretty calm with each other today and i imagine in the next couple of weeks, they may be back to co-habitating...but i am not getting my hopes up because it's just too frustrating having your hopes dashed continuously by rabbits.

and update on the bean...my spouse got to watch the bean moving around the night before father's day. but on father's day, he actually got to feel the bean move for the first time...so cool stuff there. my second born is the only kid in the house who's felt the bean move...he's really the only one patient enough for that, too, so lucky him.

counseling yesterday was good stuff...talked a lot about my kids. i'd heard stories lately on hazing at the summer camp i love that i worked at as a teen and they really disturbed me. so i told the-rapist how sometimes i feel like i'm raising my children to be weak because i just don't find that type of stuff appropriate at all...or even funny most of the time. like last summer, when teen dropped his first f-bomb...my sil said "that's just how we love each other in our family." you know, by being assholes, i guess. and so i was asking the-rapist what she thought. and she said that she used to think teasing and such was healthy...even necessary. but that after three decades of counseling, that you never know what will end up being some one's issue on the couch when they're fifty. not that i can guess every comment or action that may end up an issue on some one's couch down the road...but why push it? i mean, when i joke around with my friends, i only do it when i know it's safe...when i know trust has been built and they will know, without a doubt, that i am, in fact, joking. and even then, i usually ask and make sure they know i was joking, if i think there is any question. why would i be any less gentle with my children? why would i presume them to have more maturity than one of my friends (who are all pretty wise and mature and stuff)? so, the-rapist left me feeling pretty comfortable in my thoughts on being gentle and whether or not it makes you weak. i mean, don't get me wrong...we tease around here...and sometimes the things that are said make my eyes almost pop out of my head. but we work pretty hard at having a trusting relationship as a family and taking time to realize when some one has been hurt and clearing up any misunderstandings. and i've learned that sometimes i am too focused on what is said, and the best thing to do is just get out and do. then every one's mouths are shut and we don't have the whole misunderstanding problem.

wow...i had a lot to say on that. i've been able to work through a lot of that with my cyber-tribe...and for that, i'm grateful, too.

peace

enough about humans

2009-06-18T23:16:00.004-05:00

i'm all blah today...and tired of the up and down of my emotions...so i'm not talking about people today. i'm talking about bunnies...no, not the playboy type those nevada folks think of when they hear the word bunnies...i'm talking about bunny rabbits. it was incredibly sad when our fizgig died on may 27th...but his loss has also fucked up the rabbit dynamics at our house and i'm about d.o.n.e. with the whole lot of them...

fizgig was bonded to a male jersey woolie named willow. willow was ready to hop in the box with his dead partner when i put fizgig in the shoebox...he was not ready to be a single guy. so the next day, when i cleaned out and reorganized the rabbit room, i stuck all the rabbits together, threw the kids out there to referee, and watched how everyone got along. spot, who is a female rex, got along fine with everyone...which surprised me because she has always been a very dominant rabbit...kind of diva-ish, if you will...waaaay more dominant in the world of bunnies than i am in the world of people...frankly, she used to make me uncomfortable. but willow and mazzy, a male part rex, were a little feisty together. mazzy has been feisty with all rabbits for awhile now. he actually made me bleed pretty profusely once when i pushed him aside from attacking spot a few years ago...but i got him back...little fucker latched his teeth onto my thumb so hard that when i jerked my hand back, i ended up throwing him halfway across the yard. so there's some back story.

actually...a little more back story...i adopted mazzy to be a partner for spot. they are similar coloring, similar personalities, and would be so damned cute together. but once i built them a cage with a divider, they began attacking each other through the bars in the divider...even made each other bleed through one inch squares...so i said fuck it, and they've never hung out together again. until the day after fizgig died...well, there was the day i tossed him...but the two rabbits were cool together the day after fiz died.

ok...onward. i took all the cages out of the rabbit room and just put one divider in there...willow and spot on one side, mazzy on the other. everyone seemed pretty darned mellow. i'd seen a little grooming between willow and spot, which is the seal of approval, so i thought great, everybody happy.... but then i saw spot grooming mazzy through the divider bars...and i thought, huh? and the next day, the divider got opened somehow by somebun, and mazzy kicked the crap out of willow.

now, a side note. rabbits are cute and cuddly and fuzzy...yes. but they are also really damned ugly when they fight. i mean, when you are at the bottom of the food chain, there is no honor in combat. rabbits go for the eyes. and anything else they can get their very sharp teeth on. mazzy put a cut on willow's ear and took out a lot of willow's fur...but keep in mind, willow's a jersey woolie (which is a miniature angora) and has lots of fur to spare.

so, i decided to let spot and mazzy co-habitate and left willow on the other side of things, and tried to secure the divider better. but then i saw spot grooming willow through the bars. and, being as she's a rabbit and we can't really talk about how she's feeling, i'm not really sure if she just likes both males or if she's a "the grass is always greener" kind of gal or maybe she just likes starting shit, i dunno. but next thing i know, the divider's open again, and mazzy's kicking willow's ass again....this time he loses most of the fur around his eyes, gets a cut on his eye, loses a couple of big patches of fur on his body, gets some scratches...it was just ugly. soooo....

willow gets moved to my bathroom to heal at this point. and mazzy and spot get separated and screw it all for a few hours. spot and mazzy get the divider open again and happily share the rabbit room for three days...i mean seriously, there were some freaking cute moments. so i clean out the rabbit room again, reorganize again, remove all dividers, and set things up for mazzy and spot, the two bunnies i always wanted to bond but never thought would, to co-habitate.

so let me tell you how much it pissed me off this morning to go out there and find them fighting over the same corner of the room. fur everywhere...again. but they're a little more evenly matched and no one was getting their ass kicked...i am pretty sure spot could hand it to him if the old boy pushed her hard enough, though, just sayin... so now there's another divider, and the next rabbit that fights gets thrown in the backyard with the dogs.

ok, i'm just kidding about the dog part. and i was also kidding when i threatened to make stew out of one of them, for that matter. but the non-humans in this house are definitely having some issues and this human's getting tired of trying to cope.

willow, by the way, is still living in my bathroom as the teenager prepares him a spot in his bedroom. willow's just too social a guy to be left alone, and i'm afraid the fear of getting his ass kicked was just changing his personality, and not for the better, poor guy. so we'll let him hang out with the teen, who has long wanted a critter in his room, but is a little nervous about getting the one who sheds the way willow does. luckily, i have a mama friend in my cyber tribe who spins fiber, and once i get willow groomed up nicely (after he heals and all), i at least know someone who can benefit from our efforts to keep teen's room cobweb free. but that mama's a human, and i'm not talking about humans...oh, wait...i guess teen is a human too. well, shit. i guess i'll be done then because i'm talking about bunnies, not humans.

peace

keeping rolling

2009-06-17T12:23:00.004-05:00

i actually got some stuff done last night. it felt good. but then my stupid vacuum cleaner broke, and i started feeling kind of embarrassed by how dependent i am on my vacuum cleaner. but it just makes cleaning up after a family of six so much easier... i'm hoping it's had a change of heart and will work today. here's hoping...

this is a line from a conversation i heard in my home yesterday. my oldest was talking about a wolf spider he'd seen, and my third born figured a wolf spider must be smaller than a tarantula. to explain the size difference, my teenager said, "if spiders were pokemon, a wolf spider would evolve into a tarantula." to which my third born responded, "oh, ok." and that was that. see? adults do not understand these finer nuances of comparison...i would've made it too complicated talking about actual size or something...

and we've decided to skip nationals for rock climbing this year. there were a few tears from the mom and the teen...don't think the dad shed any...but i think we're all pretty good with this decision. bouldering season starts soon and teen's coach thinks teen could probably qualify for speed and sport climbing next year, so... but it's still really hard not sending them on every opportunity they receive an invitation for. sigh... growing up is hard. no matter how old you are.

and i think that is about it. a friend of mine may come visit next week and that makes me happy. bil hung out in my entryway talking til eleven thirty last night...and given the scarcity of grown up interaction lately, that was fun, too. really tiring, but nice. i am also asking the young people in the house to help out with some of these things that just need to get taken care of...and guess what? they are pretty darned cheerful about stepping up. and for all of this and more, i am happy.

peace

resting a little

2009-06-16T13:48:00.002-05:00

i was really, really low yesterday. i mean really. and not even high school hormonal. this was much more dignified...this emotional wreck-titude i experienced...snort. but seriously...i was so sad.

i think it's because we had a really busy weekend. i think it's because i worked my butt off volunteering at a rock climbing comp...early mornings...high temperatures...stupid men in charge that act like babies when things get stressful...lots of great, energetic kids...and some awesome speed climbs by my teenager. i...was...s.p.e.n.t. and i didn't see much of my spouse. or my good friend who came up to visit me and ended up hanging out with my two littles so that they wouldn't have to be stuck at a dirty rock gym. (the gym is not especially dirty...but i would like to mention that the ground up rubber that keeps climbers from breaking limbs when they fall three stories from the top of the wall...this rarely happens, but when i does, you know...the rubber creates a rubber dust you breathe while in the gym and makes you have black boogers when you get home, which, in case you can't imagine what that would be like, is freaking gross.)

my point is, i was really low by the end. i hadn't spent much time in the sun. had stopped taking my vitamins for almost a week because i was busy. was eating like absolute crap. and couldn't sleep much either. conditions for the perfect storm, eh?

so yesterday sucked. but there was sun today...and a lovely breeze...it was awesome. there have been vitamins. food has been purchased that has much more to offer than the fried chicken and macaroni and cheese i was so desperately craving all weekend. and after fourteen hours of sleep sunday, i woke up at a fairly decent time this morning, seven, and managed to stay in bed til my sister called me at seven forty...which made me all kinds of happy just by virtue of who she is.

so...rather than try to roll too far to fast with this bit of momentum, i am resting some. i feel the baby kick lots more these days...talk to the bean (i've been calling the baby "ribbit" in my head for some reason...prolly because the u/s at eleven weeks revealed a busy little bee swimming and swimming and swimming, just like a little frog) in my head all the time, too. oh, and we are looking into whether or not we can swing getting our teen to nationals in utah next month, since he received an invitation after his awesome speed climbs. yep...rest is good...

peace

markers

2009-06-10T08:27:00.006-05:00

i think i've written before about crawling under enchanted rock...it's like a cave, but i don't know if it's technically a cave. i'm not a really technical person. but it gets really cramped in there and sometimes you just aren't sure you're going the way you're supposed to go or if you're making your own path that will not eventually lead you out into the light again. but people who have been through before you have put little arrows along the way to let you know where to go at certain points and that is what i look for, desperately sometimes. it's reassuring to know that you are, in fact, on the right path...or at least a path someone before you has traveled. and this image of these arrows comes back to me again and again and again...sometimes i wish there were arrows, little markers in life, to tell me yes, some one's been this way before and they felt good enough about it to leave an arrow telling the next person "this is a good way."

when i was pregnant for the third time, my ultrasound revealed a soft marker for down's syndrome in my baby. a second ultrasound revealed a second marker. down's syndrome isn't fatal...after working at camp for years, i could honestly say it would probably be on my list of the top five syndromes i'd choose for my child if i had to choose. but it was emotional. i cried. researched and found resources. it was just a little different not hearing "this is another perfect baby"...and i eventually got past it. my thirdborn did come early...at thirty-five weeks due a placental abruption...spent nine days in the nicu...and was three days old before i remembered to ask the neonatologist if he, in fact, had down's syndrome. he is now a perfect nine year old...although his brothers would probably disagree a little...and he doesn't have any problems related at all to any of those markers.

so...now i am pregnant for the fifth time. and we have another marker. it is not a huge marker. but it is a marker for a syndrome that is fatal. and (this part makes me roll my eyes and laugh and cry all at the same time) my age affects the odds of this baby having this syndrome...which are still really, really low... i believe things will be fine. other than this one marker, this baby is perfect...out of all of the other markers this syndrome can come with, this baby has none. and we got really good pictures yesterday. but i've cried...felt overwhelmed...researched and learned...and decided things are really probably going to be fine.

i went to bed last night thinking about markers. the ones i'd find under enchanted rock, the ones i've looked for since, the ones i've learned about during ultrasounds. sometimes i get angry that ultrasounds can cause such worry and concern...i am sure they are helpful to those who intend to do more testing and perhaps make different choices related to that testing...but for me, they just shake me up. but then getting my world shaken up is not always a bad thing. i admit, it is rarely what i purposely choose, but it is not necessarily bad. it can be exhausting because it can be a lot of work to put all those shaken around things back into different places...it can be especially hard to remember where the hell you've put some of those things once you've gotten it put back together...but i think i'm rambling here. but i always ramble, so what difference does it make?...

anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...sometimes we're doing well just to find the next circle of light to step into, move forward. arlo guthrie talks about you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and on a very basic level that i can't put into words, i understand this...way down deep...in a place i don't usually feel it when my words probably capture it better.

it feels like a quiet time. like a think in something other than words time. i often feel i can minister to my fears...quiet them by asserting some illusion of control in my life. make them disappear for awhile. and it usually works...well, a little. but now is a surrendering time. not laying over on my side and letting someone or something else take over and do the work, but a becoming a part of something bigger than just me. and maybe my fears don't need to be let go of so much as just join in the energy that propels me and not what guides me.

i've been thinking lately about how weird it can get inside my head when people compliment me on my child's behavior...or make critical remarks. how over-identifying who i am with who my children are can be a dangerous thing for me...it can be crippling when they "misbehave" as children do...but it can almost be worse when they are doing the amazing things that children also do. my children's successes are theirs. not mine. someone told me the other day what an awesome son i had, and i replied, "yes, i'm glad to know him, too," because he is not mine...he is not me...he is his own. and, i admit this makes it easier for me to learn this, he resents the hell out of me taking any ownership of his successes. (now, his failures...he's all about offering up his failures for someone else to own...) and when i was thinking about this, i thought about how i often think of babies i'm pregnant with as my baby, as an extension of me. but this baby isn't me...anymore than this baby will be me when this baby is a teenager. i am charged with loving and caring for this baby...as i am also charge with loving and caring for the children who can already walk and talk back. i am charged with offering myself, openly and honestly, in service and in guidance, to these children...accepting that i will affect and change who these people are...and allowing them to affect me equally. i will do the best i can...out of respect for myself, these children, and the guiding force that binds us all. and i have come to accept that part of that responsibility includes and necessitates getting a little shook up and finding new places for the things that are not yet where they belong.

peace

some things

2009-06-04T22:22:00.004-05:00

i am tired. i do not sleep very well when my spouse works nights. i mean, eventually, after enough nights of night sleeping well, i will just pass the hell out. but even then, i'm usually so dead asleep i wake up with a crick in my neck or my shoulder all out of whack. i just walk around from about six o'clock on looking for that other part of me... (aww, how sweet...but seriously, it gets old)

speaking of my spouse...when he became an ob/gyn, i had no idea what this would mean for our relationships with the women in our families and lives. the information we would suddenly become privy to...the questions we'd be asked...discussions that would arise...confidences we would enter into. i would like to think that, in some ways, this will really enhance my sons' understanding of women, their ability to appreciate the depth of the experience...and not just women on the t.v. screen or women you read about or, even worse sometimes, hear about...but women they love and have been loved by...aunts, cousins...

i am starting to have periods of feeling like i just might have my head wrapped around this whole "i am pregnant and will have a baby in november" idea...for awhile i was thinking "maybe i'll have a kitten...a kitten would be nice..." (i think that meant my head wasn't so wrapped around the idea...) i have an ultrasound next week. and almost everyone i know has insisted i find out the sex. and although i am a huge people pleaser by nature, i'm really kind of leaning toward not finding out. but i am having a hard time committing to much in this vein that has taken over my life in so many ways...so the decision is probably, in all reality, still wide open at this point.

oh, and rabies vaccinations. this is a subject i could talk about forever...almost as interesting to me as the last election for some reason. it all started when my youngest was bitten in the face by a stray dog a few years back...what a fiasco. i mean, it went fairly smoothly...but emotionally, i was wrecked. i mean, sure, i was worried about my kid...reading about rabies, even though you know the dog probably did not have rabies and therefore your child really probably does not have rabies, but just reading about it, and how, you know, deadly it is...and how much the treatment sucks...was enough to do.me.in. and then i had all this guilt that this woman had to pay to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out...only she didn't have to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out, she had to do it because her dog wasn't up to date on his vaccinations...which really sucked because my dogs were up to date on theirs, but i couldn't judge her for not having her dog up to date...it's one of those goofy laws that i could totally see myself breaking either by choice based on principal against over vaccinating dogs against rabies or, you know, just because i forgot. anyway...i just find rabies discussions fascinating. but i don't think they make such great coffee table topics... and i am stuck on this because i took my dogs to the vet today. this is normally a task i dread, but by the grace of a great vet, i usually end up glad i did it. today wasn't so much like that...you know, grace-filled. the vet wasn't awful...but not my favorite either. so much not my favorite that i didn't even ask her what she thought about rabies vaccinations...nyeh.

and there...i think i have purged my brain for now. i do miss my spouse...and i don't see myself as overly dependent on him. (we've been having this discussion in my cyber-tribe about being overly-anything...and generally, it just doesn't feel like compliment...we were also having a rabies discussion, but almost all my conversations in real life these days start out with, "on my mama board we were talking about...." so maybe i should not base my blog on these threads, too.) anyway...i think i'm a pretty independent woman. but i do miss the guy i sleep with every night. and it's not just the sex. really. i mean it.

peace

simplicity and being fine

2009-06-02T13:09:00.004-05:00

"every day is a winding road
i get a little bit closer
every day is a faded sign
i get a little bit closer to feeling fine."

--sheryl crow

"and the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine."

--indigo girls

i often think about these two lyrics. how similar they are. then my friend bonnie made this quote the other day...

I suppose I have a tendency to look too deep and forget that the simple things are sometimes just as important as the ones you have to dig for.

and i thought, yep...i know exactly what you mean. it seems almost universal...but there are so many words to express it. and i love all three of these quotes for starters.

these were my musings as i caught a few rays today. it's partly cloudy outside, so it wasn't all about sweating...it was a nice balance of sweating and shade.

peace

my place is of the sun...

2009-06-01T21:18:00.002-05:00

indigo girls lyrics. and i've always identified with them. this weekend, i did something i haven't done since high school. i laid out in the sun. now, in high school, it was about achieving the tan. but this weekend, there was just something pulling me to get out there and let that sun touch my skin...let my skin soak up that warmth. it was kind of odd. so, i went and bought myself a fairly skimpy bikini (no, there will be no pics of this...thank god for privacy fences) and some oil with a low spf and laid out a sheet and soaked up some sun. my attention span allows almost a full ten minutes on each side. it felt like heaven...warm, sweaty...it smelled so good outside...and the breeze...it was healing. i can honestly say it's the quietest my head has been in a long time. i did it saturday and sunday. i didn't even tan any. but it felt really good. makes me want to get back up on the treadmill and sweat a little more. but not today. i had my nephew today...who i love dearly. maybe tomorrow. or maybe i'll just lay out a little again. it's nice to have options.

peace

r.i.p. little guy

2009-05-27T22:10:00.007-05:00

so, one of our rabbits died today. we knew it would happen eventually. but it was our little fuzzy white one, fizgig...named after the little white fuzzy creature in that jim henson movie, the dark crystal. he came from a breeder who couldn't care for her 150 rabbits...first they were seized, but then she surrendered them. we had no idea how old he was and all the rabbits we got in that group had so many health issues from neglect. we've had him for a couple of years and for that, we're grateful. dh buried him in our backyard tonight. one thing that surprised me was my teenager's reaction. he cried and cried...big, hard sobs. he and i talked about it tonight. first, he felt guilty...and i don't blame him. this is the first time i've seen a dead bunny, but i've had to have one put down before and that sucked. and i felt guilty. something so small and helpless...seems like i should've been able to do something to save it. the other rabbit i've lost was a mama that had babies at my house...we were told she was a male. when i took her to get spayed, they lost her on the table. and i remember crying a lot over her, too. but i told my oldest that we did the best we could taking care of our little friend...and that it was okay to feel sad over losing a little part our lives. my teen did say he was kind of surprised by how strongly he felt over losing fizgig. my youngest said he wished it had been the rabbit who bites sometimes when he's hungry that would've died. ahh...the circle of life.

peace

chilling a little

2009-05-26T08:56:00.003-05:00

on the hormone front, i mean...

when i get that way, all high school hormonal, it's kind of miserable, kind of ridiculous. i was telling someone about labor with my second born the other day...my stepmom was there for that one...and i was getting a little tired, a little fried, a little scattered, losing my focus. there were so many folks in the room and part of me, a big part of me, wanted one of them to do something to make this better. and my mom whispered in my ear, "you're the only one who can finish this." and like poof, everything came into focus, i got my energy centered in myself, and just pushed that baby boy right out. and that's kind of how i feel when i get all hormonal...like i'm waiting for someone else to make this better, fix this, smooth it out, hand me a beer, something... but then i remember that i'm the one who has to walk this journey. i don't walk it alone, but if i don't move my feet, no one else will. so i walk...

my mind is a loud place. i think, especially at my most hormonal, all.the.time. it's like the opposite of being lazy, but the same effect. it takes a lot of work for me to quiet my mind. kind of like it takes a lot of work to engage children. and when you feel lazy, and don't engage the kids, it gets really loud in the house. which is alright sometimes. it's just part of life. but maybe you start to figure out that the noise is about to drive you nutso and instead of intervening, being the adult and engaging the kids, you start yelling at the kids and making them responsible. (yeah, yeah, i know all about this pattern) well, that's how it is with my head. it gets loud in there sometimes. and like i said, when i am the most hormonal, it is like a zoo. i can't even think there's so much shit flying through there...most of it not coherent and almost all of it emotionally charged in some way but not making sense...it's kind of weird. so i have to stop being lazy and focus. i usually focus on my breathing first. and a voice in my head goes, "uh, what are we doing here? seriously? this is it? b..o...r...ing" and it's hard. but it's like when i was training for those half marathons, sometimes i just have to push through. it feels weird pushing through something as low-impact as quieting your mind and focusing on your breathing...i swear there are times i've broken a sweat on my lip with the effort. but just like when you can feel your legs getting stronger, your lungs carrying you further, i can feel when i'm getting more focus...less scattered...more centered and less fried.

so that's that. i'm staying busy. getting stuff done. laughing. schooling. cooking. (man, i've been in such a cooking/dietary slump lately...) and writing. i really missed blogging regularly. i must keep this up. now, if i could just get that treadmill back into my life....

peace

emotionally fried

2009-05-24T19:06:00.002-05:00

not really, but i'm all high school hormonal and that's just the exaggerated phrase that comes to mind...

first of all, i am tired. i slept well last night, but after staying out late for the indigo girls concert thursday and then being up with a constantly coughing five year old friday night, i am sleepy. said five year old continued to cough all day yesterday, which was emotional in that one, i could not figure out how to settle the cough and that sort of helplessness is one i do not surrender to well at all and two, we spent the day with family which meant lots of, "oh, he sounds awful" and "geez, what's he got?" and "i don't know, are you sure it's just allergies?" and "has he seen a doctor?" and bla bla bladdy bla bla which only compounded the previously mentioned helpless feeling. last night, though, the five year old crashed the hell out on the way home and stayed asleep and quiet in his humidified room (with some benadryl and cough syrup on board). it was blissful to all who were allowed to sleep along with.

now, i'm also feeling fried because there are some issues going on with family that i could recount. (ok, i already have recounted...that lanatron...she deserves sainthood...) but i won't spend the time doing that because while there are issues that are heartbreaking and truly lend themselves to all sorts of mindfucking, the point of the whole thing is that my choices in this situation are not central and don't need to be the focus of anything but say, what i think about as i wash my hair or do the dishes. all i can do is pray and be supportive when my path crosses into this situation. and that's what i've been doing, so it shouldn't take a lot of energy to maintain a path. others in the situation may be changing tact, adn they may be getting ready to send some giant assed fucking waves slamming into everyone else, but...they may not be. and i have no control over that and need to stop worrying about it because, as far as i know, worry has not been proven to change a damned thing other than, perhaps, shortening one's life span...but i'm not sure those studies were conclusive.

remember the other day when i mentioned how tricky "so honey, how was your day?" can get... well, i was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner in the e.r. and she said the thing that just named the heart of my feelings..."in situations like that, there is just no right answer..." yeah, what she said. i don't really like giving details of the situations that arise with my spouse's work...hippa and all. but i think it's pretty obvious that in ob/gyn, there arise many questions about mother's life vs. baby's life...quality of those lives...termination of lives...decisions that affect both...when my spouse and i discuss these issues, we often play "devil's advocate" to each other's points of view. at least this is what i think happens...it's not like we declare it or anything. i think we just feel the complexity of the issues and keep trying to shine light in the weaker parts of each other's arguments.

anyway...there are no right answers...that was as though someone had stated the most simple yet most central truth in my thoughts lately. there are no right answers in this stuff with my family. there are no right answers when it comes to hsing. we each have to find our own answers...the ones we can live with...the ones that seem the truest to us...the ones we feel benefit what we hold most dear...and these are not always easy choices...they often require a lot of strength...the kind of strength i cannot gain by lifting weights or running or whatever...they require a kind of strength i find difficult these days...the ability to quiet my mind and listen to my heart...i am eating junk food lately and filling my mind with quite a bit of junk, too...distractions, computer games, daydreams...it really does feel like high school....all these feelings, all this anxiety, no desire to act. of course, it isn't always like this, thank GOD...it is a drag when it is like this, but it's not constant. and i definitely think it is exacerbated by other factors...being tired, for example...spending lots of time with family and their issues...eating junk food...

but now that i've gotten this off my chest, i think i'll go get some stuff done. i think the-rapist calls it recharging or filling my tank or blessing myself, nurturing myself, something like that. in high school, i just slept a lot. but it's not completely high school all over again...

peace

last night was awesome

2009-05-22T20:27:00.003-05:00

the indigo girls were amazing. i have never stood so close to the stage before. i really wish i had thought to bring my teenager...i am pretty sure he would've loved it. but as it is, i had an awesome time with my spouse, my sister, and her partner. amy and emily were just amazing...

but i have to blog about their opening act...terri hendrix. i first saw terri hendrix years ago at a show my mother and i went to one night. i thought she was great. i went out and bought her cd, willory farm. i didn't realize she was opening for the girls last night...and she was really awesome. here are some songs i heard last night that i'd never heard before that really stuck with me...

and

and due to technical difficulties, that's all i got.
peace

hey guess what?

2009-05-21T10:11:00.002-05:00

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

blah

2009-05-19T16:09:00.003-05:00

i'm not totally blah...just kind of off and on blah....just wanted to clarify that.

i was kind of pissed at my husband. he brought home a six pack of beer a few days ago. now, i've never been one of those "i can't drink so you can't drink" kind of wives when i'm pregnant. well, i never thought i was. truth is, he's always been one of those "you can't drink so i won't drink" kind of husbands. but apparently, he doesn't feel like being that kind of husband anymore. and so now, i realize i'm kind of one of those "icdsycd" wives...are you with me on the shorthand? i'd really like to be one of those "hey, it's no big deal, drink away" kind of wives...i would. but being pregnant at thirty-five with a teen and at the end of this freaking eternal med school/residency thing...i'm just not one of those. i tried it on for a day or two and nope, it just wasn't my thing. made me feel like one of those "laugh it up fuzzball...drink you ass off...and i'll kill you while you sleep" kind of wives. well, just a little bit, but i prefer not to be one of those types of wives at all if i can possibly avoid it. and i am avoiding it. i sent the beer to my bil's house. (who had the freaking nerve to tell me, on his brother's behalf, that nine months is a long time...oh? really? i had no fucking clue....) oops...feeling a little bitter here...

so, it's not like bringing home a six pack was unforgivable. i'm really working on forgiveness. (forgivishness...forgot all about it until this very second...doh) it's more that feeling of we might be in this together, but really, it's on me. but maybe i'm just hormonal...and the truth is that as much as this bothers me at times, i just don't feel like thinking all that much about it. but i can't deny, when i see my spouse, right now, my general feeling is just sort of blah...with a hint of forgivishness.

peace