be careful what you ask for

because you just might get it.  and it might not be what you wanted.  but maybe it's what you needed.

i called my mom today.  to talk to her.  about feelings i was having.  feelings i was uncomfortable with.  i won't go into detail because seriously, i blog about enough of my feelings that any of these posts could fill in the blank.  but i will offer it was about my oldest...about him leaving...about my fear of his negative feelings...about my fear that there are things i should've taught him, things i should've done differently, more of, less of...just stuff like that.

she said i sounded crazy.  she suggested i should talk to my therapist.  i told her i'd called my mom instead.  (but i will admit i was seriously wondering if that was the right choice at this point.)

she said i had control issues.  she said i had to stop trying to control him.  i told her that i didn't want to control what he did...but that i was becoming aware that i wanted to control how he felt.  more specifically, i just wanted everything to be fine...okay...maybe even good.  and that i was looking for my faith in this area...waiting for it to kick in...move these crazy feelings out of the way.  (but i wasn't exactly feeling "crazy"...just emotional...and sad...but we'll use her word.)   i mentioned that this fear of other people's negative feelings is what made me such a complacent child...what probably continues to make me a complacent adult.  i mean, i do have a sense of right and wrong that my father drilled a deep loyalty to in me, but if i can find a way to make it all okay without violating my sense of ethics or dismissing anyone, i'll take two of those, please.  and my sensitivity to others' feelings makes me a good parent to my kids...up to about age sixteen or so.  then i just lose my way...don't know where to go with the info i'm taking in...how to act on it.

i know faith is a continuum.  i know life is a journey.  i know the journey is not always pleasant.  i know sometimes it sucks royally.  and i know god is present in it all.  i have faith in that.  it's not always a warm, secure feeling kind of faith.  sometimes it is desperate.  sometimes it is so shaky, i wonder if it's even real or just a figment of my imagination.  sometimes it is deep and solid and grounds me.  like i said...it's a continuum.  i have yet to find a way to keep myself stuck in that place where it's good.  it always changes. 

my mom said i have to let go of control.  let whatever happens be what happens.  stop worrying.  she must've told me to stop worrying fifteen times.  as if repetition would make it happen.  i know i have to stop worrying.  i just don't know how to do that.  i tried doing dishes, reading a book, eating lunch.  it didn't work.  so i called my mom. 

i do feel more at peace.  the thing she said that i needed to hear was that whatever happened, whatever he chose, wherever he was, that i could be sure god was in the middle of it.  and that was what i needed to hear.  i'm trying to rest in that...and not in whether or not i have a control issue or if i'm crazy or why i chose to call my mom and who all she's going to tell i'm crazy and controlling to.  those things will not help me.  and i do know that if i want to teach my kids to focus on what's important, i have to be willing to do the same.

see what i mean?

peace 

a little further thinking

when i was heading to bed last night (which was really this morning, but why am i telling you irrelevant things?), i was thinking about the day..about losing tallu, the people who'd shown up to help me process (and by show up i mean on the phone...my mom, my sister, my friend julie, my sil), and really just whether or not i'd sign up for this race again looking back, knowing what i know. 

i've been trying to live my christian tradition, my catholic faith.  and while there are many doctrines and dogmas people point to and fight about and bicker over, it seems pretty agreed upon that the most important, the most basic, the most identifying readings are the ones where jesus says to love god first...and second, to love your neighbors as yourself...to love each other...that by giving we receive...to love as he has (which was pretty absolutely, there's just no way around it).  and i try to live like that.  but it's hard to trust people...and consequently, i guess it's hard to trust god.  which i think also means i don't really trust myself sometimes.

but last night, knowing that everything was ok, that it had all ended up better than fine...that tallu's death sucked--no way around that--but that we were different in a way we would never have been different without her life and love and yes, her death.  it gave me a little hope...strengthened my faith.

so here's what i thought last night...that i could condense what i'd written in my blog into these simple thoughts...

-love as best you can.  don't be afraid.  or be afraid, but don't hang onto it.  it has never served me as well as i'd hoped and it so gets in the way of love.  and when you've lost your way in fear, start by loving yourself...it'll help. 
-give your heart to people, to animals, to ideas, to causes...because only when you give it do you really get it.  and that can be scary.  but holding on to it, because you're afraid of giving it and not getting anything back, only chokes it and keeps it small. 
-and one last thing...don't ever be too smug about the things you know.  we all know different things at different times...and there are so many things i used to know that i've forgotten or lost only to get them more deeply the next time.  respect the things others know.

peace

my dog died today

my husband and two middle boys are out of town.  they're at a robotics competition in detroit.  i stayed in town with our two littles and we attended my oldest's athletics banquet last night.  it's always weird for me to go to sleep without my husband here, especially when our oldest is on a date, but the two littles and i made it work, went to the park yesterday, watched tv and hung out.  i put the dogs in their kennels last night around eleven and they were fine when my oldest got home around one.

i woke up at 7:15ish to the sound of one of my dogs making a weird noise...kind of a cry/howl kind of noise.  but it had a pierce to it that woke me and i got up to see what was going on.  my youngest was also up...telling my chocolate lab, tallulah, to be quiet.  i don't know how long she'd been up with the dog.  but i could tell immediately something was very wrong.  tallu was on the bottom of her kennel and her legs were just wrong.  and she didn't open her eyes and look at me when i walked in.  she'd just make this sound every once in awhile.  she was laying in vomit.  i got on the internet to see when my vet's office opened...at 7:30.  i called them to see if they were in early and got routed to the emergency clinic.  i described what was going on, asked if there was anything i should do, and made a plan to get her into their clinic immediately, but then the woman i was on the phone with noticed the time and said it would probably be faster to take her to my regular vet's office when they opened in five minutes since they were closer.  i called my husband, i was a little hysterical at this point.  i got my oldest up to help me get her to the car, came back in, saw tallu move her head the tiniest bit, and then she breathed her last breath.  we all got a little hysterical at that point.  i called the regular vet, they already knew from the emergency clinic that i'd called (it had only been about five minutes), and talked to me about bringing her in to be cremated.  i told them i needed to talk to my husband, bla bla bla.

my oldest son and i took her outside, he hugged me tight, and said, "mama, please, just let me do this."  i asked him what he was going to do and he said he wanted to clean tallu up before the littles came out to say good-bye to her.  my heart had already broken when i realized i'd watched our dog breathe her last breath, but it went pretty wide open when he said that.  watching him lift his dog, wash her up with the hose...it was a pretty wet time all around.  my youngest son was inside still crying and our daughter, our youngest child, was pretty confused by all of the emotion.  it's been awhile since i tried to explain death to a toddler.  she seemed pretty understanding of it, looked a little said, decided that maybe her brother was so sad because tallu hadn't hugged him before she died.  i think it will take her a while to realize tallu isn't coming back.  i have no idea what her response will be when we bring tallu's ashes home from the vet.  we'll cross that one when we get there, i guess.

the vet's people were awesome.  the lady who came out to carry tallu in hugged me and then did the most amazing thing...i was outside petting my dead dog, and she came over and kissed my dead dog.  there are just some moments when you are so aware how crazy they are and how amazing they are at the same time.  they carried her in and i saw my dog, one of "my girls" for the last time.

the people at the vet's office think she must've had a seizure.  the only other time she's had one was a couple of months ago when i had her teeth cleaned and they put her under.  she came out of anaesthesia fine, but then had a big seizure out of nowhere.  i know most of them saw her seizure...she'd accrued quite a fan club in her time there that day...she is one of the friendliest, if not slobberiest dogs i'd known.  so i have to guess they saw her seizure, cleaned her up, and thought it sounded familiar when i described how she'd been when i found her this morning.  i left the vet's at 8:30.  in an hour and a little change, we'd lost a dog, cleaned her up and said our good-byes, and taken her to be cremated.  it was the most surreal and at the same time, most heartbreakingly normal mornings i've had in a long time.  animals die.  we know this.  we've experienced it several times.  with fish (which my oldest mused today was really just kind of annoying...but i remember his tears when he lost an oscar he'd had for four years...).  with rabbits...and those were heartbreaking.  but on a small scale.  this is definitely our first seventy pound loss.  and it was heavy.  but we did the things you do when half your family is in detroit and you go through something like this...we stayed together...we shopped...we bought movies and junk food and sodas for the kids and beer for the mom.  we watched our movies, rubbed each others' heads and backs, hugged lots, talked some, remembered tallu...the good and sweet parts...the annoying and funny parts.  i started out the day feeling a little upset that my husband wasn't here to help sort this mess out and ended the day feeling bad he and the other kids weren't here to heal with us.  i have said some lately, as our family prepares for my oldest to graduate and leave for a year of ministry at the end of the summer, that sometimes god has to break our hearts a little so we can get some light in there and they can get bigger and stronger.   the knowing doesn't necessarily make it less painful, but it changes my acceptance of the breaking, opens up my knowledge that the healing will come, no matter how scared or hurt i might be.

the light today was realizing that i spend too much time on the "what i want things to be one day" and not enough time appreciating what they are now.  i'm going to work on that.  a very sweet, very loyal, very beautiful chocolate lab gave me that lesson as gently as she could.  i love her.  i'm so glad she was a part of our journey.

tomorrow the rest of our family will get here and we'll attend mass and they'll honor the graduates for this year from our church.  and my oldest son will be up there.  i know the waterworks will be flowing for me...they really haven't stopped yet.  but they'll be peaceful tears.  i struggle sometimes being his mom...he and i are so very different.  but today left me with nothing but appreciation for my son...a man who asked to be the one to take care of his dog this morning and watched two movies with me today and is just an incredible kid.  i am done with thinking of what he will be one day.  i am proud of who he is...grateful for who he is.  i need him to be him...as much as i need to let myself be me.  it is a gift.  i guess that's a little extra light.

peace

storms

i wrote this long blog post in my head last night.  i was having some anxiety.  there were some big storms rolling in.  and usually i like big storms.  but after our last little hail storm, which was our first little hail storm in this house with all the windows, i started feeling a little vulnerable, i guess.  so i was anxious.  and here's what i was thinking about...

life has lots of metaphorical storms that roll through.  and like last night's storm, i know things will be fine, i know they will pass, i know some good will come from them and there will be some things to repair and fix and some things will probably just be lost.  but those are things.  and ultimately, life will go on and storms will keep happening and we will keep being changed by them and that's just how life is.

i thought about lots of "storms"....but for some reason, i don't have it in me to recall them in detail right now.  but illness, death, careers, family, children, sexuality, religion, school, pride, education....these were the uniting themes as i remember.  some were loooong.  some were mercifully short.  all of them change the landscape of the lives of those endured them.

so back to last night's anxiety.  we are in a new house...a new place.  i don't yet know where we're vulnerable, what to watch out for, where our defenses will be breached.  (yeah, my guys have been watching lord of the rings lately...)  and it makes me...well...super anxious.  after all the "storms" of the last few years, i find my enthusiasm for actual storms a little challenged.  but i did find peace in tying the two together.  in relaxing my muscles as i listened to the first wave of thunderstorms hit.  (i swear it rained in my front yard for almost five minutes before it actually rained on my house.  it is crazy the way storms work.)  there were at least two other waves that i heard.  and i was ok.  i prayed a lot.  because for me, that's really the solution to it all.  the faith or belief or whatever you wanna call it that what's damaged will either be fixable or something you can learn to live without, and the sun will come back out, and life will continue onward.  and there will be more storms.  and more sun. 

i posted this on my facebook yesterday...

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

my friend jeanni was the first person to start teaching me this.  and even though it's been over two years since she died, i find myself understanding it more and more as time goes by.  last night, it was a beacon.  (one i planted myself earlier in the day.  that kind of stuff used to amaze me, but now i'm just grateful for the grace to be moved and respond.) 

peace

always stuff to work on

my oldest drove himself to school today.  in the car we bought him over the weekend after his wreck on friday.  i've asked him to text me when he gets to school.  he texted me at about two o'clock yesterday..."sorry.  i forgot to text.  i made it.  :)"  i texted back "THANK GOD!!  i was so worried..." 

i wasn't really scared.  not really.  mostly not really.

i got to see him drive up to the dentist yesterday (we met there...sweetness, huh?).  he looks pretty good behind the wheel...he pays attention, seems to know what he's doing, isn't looking all over the place like a little puppy, or headbanging or anything.

i'm just a little nervous.  the tiniest bit.  just about thirty seconds worth of nervous maybe two or three times (or five...maybe five) a day.  and yes, it grabs me at the bottom of the throat for that thirty seconds, but then it goes away.  mostly.

i've heard many times that children are our hearts walking around on the outside.  well, put them behind the wheel of a car and it's a whole new dimension, a whole new scope of that statement.  which is at it should be.  i know this life is not meant to be stagnant.  i know it is meant to be dynamic.  i cannot imagine how my life would have been a fraction of the challenge and complexity it is without children.  i was so focused on trying to please those around me (because it really felt like the best way to survive) that i kind of skated through so much of my life (that's kind of a funny...skating...i really took skating lessons as a kid...my one kid thing...i had the skirt and everything...) without really paying attention.  and let me tell you, my attention is sharp this time around...too sharp sometimes...gotta drink some wine to dull it some nights.  ok, i don't really gotta.  but i am alert this time around.  almost painfully so.  and i am learning lots.  oh holy smokes, i'm learning lots.  and the funny thing....i'm less and less concerned with pleasing people as i go.  partly because i'm really starting to believe we're all in this together and any good thing benefits us all...and partly because i just can't look back and study things the way i used to...my time is limited and i'm allocating memory for different things.

an aside...i notice my last run i logged on here was in september of last year.  i haven't been running the way i wanted to be...i don't see myself in full marathon shape in time for my fortieth birthday next february...but i am still running.  doing what i call treadmill rosaries.  i was thinking maybe i'd come update later today.  i could use a perk up...i have to address and assemble graduation invitations today.  as excited as i am about being finished with the high school my oldest chose (it's not been a good year in the history of that high school), it's weird to be addressing his GRADUATION INVITATIONS.  partly because this is an emotional thing for me...and i don't really want lots of people coming.  (yes, i know it's not about me...it's about him...and that's why i'm addressing the invitations....if i really thought it was about me, i'd invite my sister, my mom, and my friend lana...but i'm not just inviting them...so devil's advocate in my own head, back off.)  anyway, maybe looking at how much running i've done in the last seven months will be a good distraction activity when the addressing gets hairy.

peace

ps--blogger needs to get with the times...they're trying to spellcheck the word "texted"...get with it, baby.

i just haven't decided on a title for this one yet

anne lamott has a story called "the carpet guy."  it's always been a favorite of mine...makes me laugh and gives me the ability to see grimy little parts of myself that doesn't hurt as bad as a regular mirror.  i have a similar story.  i'm going to try to tell it...

my son was in a car wreck friday morning at 7:30.  i had been up with my three year old a couple of times in the middle of the night, so i got up with him to write a note and sign a permission slip (yes, they still require those for eighteen year olds apparently...), but then i kissed him, explained my sleep deficit, and excused myself back to bed.  he came to kiss me good-bye, and (i am so glad for this), i told him i loved him.  and went back to bed.  and was awoken by a very scared sounding eighteen year old on my phone, telling me he'd just been in a wreck.  he sounded both very alive and present in the moment, but also very confused as to how this had happened.  i asked him where he was and if he was okay.  he was on the same (DAMNED) stretch of road we've seen at least five wrecks on while on his way to school since we've moved out here.  i could go into all the thoughts of "i can't believe i didn't tell him not to drive that way to school" and similar or progressive thoughts to that one, but i won't.  if you're a mom, i'm sure you can fill in those blanks.  i told him i'd be there in a minute.  (because frankly, i 've never had a wreck...yes, in over twenty years of driving, i had no experience to tell my son what to do next, and all i had to offer was "i'll be there in a minute...let me throw on clothes.  i love you.")

the rest of the day went fine.  my husband was able to coach us a bit on the phone, the police officer was very helpful, my son received a citation for failure to control his speed (which apparently is a common challenge for young drivers on that particular stretch of highway), and we all made it home fine.  i will mention, because it is relevant to a story i'm TRYING to make short, but i just don't think i'm going to succeed, that a wrecker (hired by the city police) picked up my son's totaled (for the second time, it was a hand-me-down from my stepfather who salvaged it at the collision center he manages) truck.  when i made my calls once we were home-insurance, police department, municipal court, and then the wrecker company-the wrecker man told me my car was totaled and that most people just sign over the titles to their cars to him.  i told him i'd get back to him.

fast forward some hours to that evening, and when my husband called the wrecker man to inquire about the cost of towing my son's car, the wrecker man told him that most people just title their cars to him and call it even.  my husband told him he'd get back to him.

now, we live five minutes from a pick and pull auto parts place.  we see the sign often, think places like that are awesome, use them ourselves when necessary, and my husband called that place.  they offered us $600 for the car, knowing it was totaled, site unseen, offering to pick the car up from the wrecker place for free.  so we went to bed last night, grateful the wreck wasn't any worse than it was, grateful our son and the driver of the other car were fine (it's texas...the other driver was a big truck with a big back bumper...she really just needed a broom to dust my son's car's debris off her back bumper), and just generally a little more appreciative of life.

now's where i realize this one's going to be long, but i'm committed to stick with it...i apologize.  :)

today we were going to look at cars.  i have made the radical decision that even though my son made a few mistakes his junior year, and even though we've struggled with regaining trust, that ultimately, he's a good, responsible kid.  also, i like life with another driver in the house.  and i like what the responsibility and independence of him driving does for our home and our relationship.  so i wanted that car replaced.  unapologetically.  so this morning, the first order of business was to get the totaled car's towing costs paid for and make arrangements for the pick and pull peeps to take ownership.  this sounds so easy, taking one sentence to express and all...but it was one awful experience.

i'm going to start the story with some realizations that may ruin it...because no one has every actually expressed them.  but i think it will be quicker and i'm just going to have some faith.  it turns out the wrecker man doesn't have business hours on saturday or sunday.  and when my husband said he'd be there soon to pay the towing fees, the wrecker man did not take that to mean two hours later, my husband and oldest son would show up to clean out the car and pay him.  this is just part of my life with my husband, but the wrecker man was a little put off by it, i think, although he never expressed this to my husband.  and i believe he decided to be a little jerky about that...well, the time thing on top of the fact that my husband refused to title the car to him to let the wrecker man make the money selling it to the pick and pull place.  so when the wrecker man told my husband that he only accepted cash on the weekends, and my husband left to get cash to pay him, the wrecker man left, and began a day of cat and mouse that would have any cat hungry and any mouse feeling pretty darned good about his evasion tactics.    my husband would drive out there again, at a prearranged time, and the wrecker man wouldn't be at his place of business.  yet, somehow, it would be my husband's fault that the meeting was another miss.  we drove out together, my husband and i, and our nephew who we were keeping for the day, and our three year old and our nine year old.  and again, another miss.  and again, it was our fault.  the wrecker man would tell my husband (both times) that he'd JUST been there and would come back if willing, but it would be such a hassle, set a time, and not be there.

meanwhile, our pick and pull guys were trying to get in the game and get through the jobs ahead of us so they could go get the car.  but we were not being successful at getting the car "released" and paid for.

so i called the police department that contracts with the wrecker man asking for some help.  the officer found it questionable that we'd been told to title the car to the guy three times and still had no price to work with, but he explained the wrecker man's interests (he didn't want to be stuck storing a car that no one would pay for the storage of) and suggested we try to coordinate all three of us (wrecker man, pick and pull, and us) being there at the same time so money could get exchanged, car removed, and business d.o.n.e.  he said he'd call wrecker man as well.

at this point, we arrange for pick and pull to be there, wrecker man says he'll be there, and after dropping my husband at a car dealership, i head back with three littles to be there.  well.

pick and pull got there early, wrecker man locks them in his yard, tells them they can't have car because i am not there to pay, everyone leaves, and i swear, i must've pulled up two minutes later.  i wait, thinking i'm there to finish business.  find out from pick and pull their story.  call wrecker man to see if he's going to meet me (and i should say that this is the first time i'd talked to any of them today...my husband had been working with them and i really don't think wrecker man expected it to be the mrs. on the phone). 

wrecker man then begins to unleash the frustration and crappiness and anger of the day on me.  tells me how INCONVENIENT this has been for him, how he's looking out for his business, how my husband hasn't ACTUALLY PAID him yet, how he IS NOT going to release my car until i've paid...bla bla bla.  (and i don't mean to discount his feelings...the police officer had really helped me see this guy's perspective...but seriously...)  i tell him i'm sorry for the inconvenience, explain that i am outside of his place of business, have been there waiting for half an hour, have three little kids in my car and cash in my hand with no other intention than TO PAY HIM.  he talks about how he never knows when we'll be there or not.  i tell him that i heard him arrange the time on my husband's phone (which plays all over the car in his rental car...seriously, i GET that it's safer to talk on the phone and drive like that, but i don't think whoever had that idea had five kids...just sayin).  i tell him other things, but not angry things because i have these three little ones in my car...and i just don't want to ruin their days by going crazy on the phone.  so they kept me in line...and i apologized to this guy.  obviously, there was some miscommunication going on.  i finally just tell him that i see, on the front of his business, that he doesn't even have saturday business hours, so i'll meet pick and pull there on monday, when he's already going to have someone there and we don't have to try to coordinate this stuff.  he tells me about all the extra storage fees i'll have to pay, about a certified letter fee he's going to charge me if i'm not there FIRST THING monday morning (he was still pretty angry) and i tell him "fine."  (don't you have it when people answer "fine"?)  he tells me he IS GOING TO CHARGE me those fees, and i say "go ahead and charge me.  i don't care.  you obviously don't care that we're trying to avoid them and it appears that us being able to coordinate this depends on you caring.  and you don't have to care.  it's not your job.  so i'll see you monday."

now, let me add here, that while i'm shakey at this point from being unleashed upon by a grown man, and i'm also pretty sure my husband's going to be pissed at me for drawing a boundary that is probably going to cost us over a hundred extra dollars, i'm pretty resolved that this is the solution we've all been looking for.  maybe we can salvage the day.  and i'm thinking i should really go get some cool drinks for these children that have been in the car for over an hour, playing wonderfully...

five minutes later he calls me to try to get me to meet him there with the pick and pull RIGHT THEN.  i tell him no thanks, i've alredy told the pick and pull to put my car on monday's schedule, and i'll see him monday.  then i bawl...very silently, so as not to alarm the wonderfully playing children in the back seat.

ten minutes later he calls and offers to tow the car himself to the pick and pull tomorrow morning, FIRST THING, and to charge me a flat rate of $200.  (we'd had some words over the fact that he had not yet given us an amount that we owed him...i'm telling you, he really just wanted the title.)  i tell him that's  not necessary, i'd really jusr rather see him monday.  he says he wants this deal over with, i tell him ok, i'll see you there first thing tomorrow morning...and what time is that?  nine.  got it.

fifteen minutes later, he calls and tells me he's going to tow the car to the pick and pull and not charge me anything for any of his services.  i tell him that's not necessary.  that i'd really just rather meet him tomorrow morning, that i know it's been an inconvenient day for all involved.  he asks me to let him do this so he can "be a person or something."  and all of the fight drains right out of me.  while i wasn't arguing with him about money (which he was clearly up to arguing about), i couldn't argue for my boundary anymore.  i was angry that this guy was so rude and difficult and had drained my day away and then thought he was going to call and tell me what he was going to do now.  i was so fracking tired of being told what he was going to do.  but that fight drained out of me, i told him to do what he wanted to do, he reiterated his plan, and i thanked him.  we hung up.

two hours later, he called to say the car was at pick and pull with a zero balance invoice.  two minutes, pick and pull called to tell me the same.  i thanked wrecker man when he called.  i thanked pick and pull when they called and will meet them tomorrow morning to title the car to them and get paid.  i have never worked so hard for $600 in my life.  (and i used to get that much a MONTH for teaching preschoolers five days a week, three hours a day, plus two extra hours to watch ballerinas before their class...i thought that was WORK lemmetellya.)

so this was much longer than i wanted it to be.  and i left stuff out.  like when he was talking to me about the  money for car, and paying for the car, and releasing the car, and i mentioned that the car happened to be what my eighteen year old son was driving before it became fodder for pick and pull.  (i might have gotten the slightest bit teary when i said that...)

i'll come back and add any reflections or insights.  for now, i just know that not fighting back is sometimes a good thing.  it can give a person a chance to realize what they're saying or doing when i don't give them back as good as they're giving.  i also knowing that not fighting can become its own fight, and then i have to work to not fight that.  i have no idea how i would've handled today if i hadn't have had three little kids that i love and want to trust me in the car.  but i worked to handle a situation they weren't even aware of in a way that would be deserving of their trust.  and i totally get that sometimes, you have to fight to deserve some one's trust.  i'm not proposing every situation be handled the way i handled today.  i don't know that i could repeat today if i tried.  but today was a really good day.  it was tiring.  i'm full of tears i may or may not get to cry (and some of those may be yesterday's tears, i really don't know).  but it was a good day.

peace

ps--back to anne lamott's story...i thought about it a lot today.  and i do believe i will send the guy some money.  he did tow a car we owned twice.  and his bad behavior doesn't negate the work he did.  at least, this is the hill i'm hoping to make it to the top of by monday or so.  i see it, i know i want to go there, but i'm pretty tired today.  :)