weary, but satisfied...(sorta)

laughing at myself...why? because it's never enough for me...it's always "sorta" or "kinda"... never wholly...

so we made it home. it's weird when people ask how the funeral was...i say, "fine." they say, "is that all?" and i think, what more should it have been? so then i say, "well, i think we were successful. we got her in the ground." and it gets quiet... oh well...they shouldn't have asked.

we buried my dad's cousin today. and i'm not hugely a part of that family...definitely nothing even remotely close to, well, close. but my grandma loves them and they grew up alongside my dad and his sibs and that's good enough for me. we don't know each other very well, but we're part of the same tribe. well, i guess i believe we're ALL part of the same tribe, but the guys at the funeral, we're locals or something. anyway, i think it was time well spent. my brothers and sister and i went with our mom to the viewing last night...that was quite serendipitous. and then my sis and the kids and i to the funeral today. i hope my memaw and aunt velma sleep well tonight. i love them both, but they looked like hell today...

and now i'm home. and that's all i'm going to say about that. i am too tired to judge the events of my evening, so i'm going to sleep on this stuff.

so many women to raise up...you're all in my heart...
peace

writing and stuff

so, at night, when i'm falling asleep, i write stuff in my head. emails, letters, stories, blog entries... and i have to say (because there's no physical proof one way or the other) i am one hell of a writer. bahaha ok, i don't know if that's true. but i am really clear headed at night. and then i wake up and poof! not so clear. but that's not what i was thinking about last night...

last night i was thinking about writing. and how i don't do much of it physically anymore. i mean, blogging's been a good thing, but my journal...blah, i hardly pull it out anymore. (but i DO need to get it out and start using it more...some stuff's just not right for a blog and needs to be in my own writing...) anyway...(i never get sidetracked like this at night) sigh

so i was thinking about writing. how i don't physically write much anymore. started wondering did i really physically write that much before... well, i remembered in middle school, i wrote a story, a book, whatever. it was about these three other girls i was friends with and myself. total slush...i mean, stuff like i took the four cutest boys in our class and they were our boyfriends... and it was all about the eight of us... blablabla but i WROTE it...and i wrote a lot of it. i don't remember a plot or what we did...were we in high school? college? after? i really can't remember. i remember we laughed a lot and were always pretty happy. and i do recall putting lots of thought into what we wore in the big scenes--describing it. (this was the 80s, so i'll spare any details, not that i can recall them specifically...) i think i got pregnant toward the end, too. but again, i don't even remember if i was married or not. the priorities of a twelve year old...

so i let my grandmother, mimi, read this. (i don't think i had written the preggo part...) and she said it was wonderful and i should be a writer.

so why was i thinking about this in my stream of conscious, clarity before bed thoughts?... was it the foreshadowing into my life? pregnant and then married...to a man in a relationship not so specifically defined, but who i always felt pretty good with? :) or was it that i obviously was going to grow up with a killer fashion sense? (bahaha...gonna pee my pants here in a minute...) maybe it was that my mimi thought i could do anything and i miss that. i mean, N thinks i can do anything, too...just as soon as i get over these fatal character flaws of mine...hehe but mimi was different. and i just took that so for granted. i hope my kids have someone in their lives whose confidence in them they just take for granted...i hope they don't piss it away like i did. (although i'm really not sure how i did that, it just sounded very "parental" to say that).

ok, my head's hurting and my thoughts are getting muddled. i did a MUCH better job on this piece last night, and gave it a good shot today, but, well...the sunshine screws me up. haha

peace

whew

what a busy time for people as worn out as those who live here....

there is this wonderful little creek in a nearby town. as the rains have pelted texas (again, the verb choice thing) we've watched this little creek get higher, and higher, and, well, you get the picture. it's just a tiny little creek, but it's a lot of fun. but it HAS gotten higher and faster. it's just remarkable to watch a river changing its course.

so we went there yesterday. my sil just called and said, "wanna meet us?" and even though i'd been feeling crappy, and the kids had been feeling crappy, i said yes. because i figure we can rest tomorrow. WE'RE not in residency. WE don't have to be at the hospital at the butt crack of dawn. WE don't have any expectations on us but our own, and right now, they're pretty damned low. so WE went... hehe anyway... it was much, much fun. i haven't asked the kids if they noticed how the creek was different. (other than it was faster...) how the landscape has changed. it's remarkable...

i guess it just reminds me that things are always changing... and while i know the autistic side of me doesn't exactly relish this part of life, it's not a bad thing. n is changing quite a bit. he's almost as tall as i am. sheesh, you can't help but pray for mutual respect when your child is as big as you. and it's too late to establish it then. or it seems so. but again, things always change...maybe my opinion on this will too. maybe i'll wake up tomorrow and be anne lamott...

oh! reminds me of a great magnet i saw the other day... "i'm not feeling myself today. maybe i'm you"

and with that,
peace

it's been kind of thick lately

so i've been kind of bitchy lately... my head's been hurting so much. and my family, well, enough of them are showing some sort of symptoms that i think there might be a virus or something we're passing around. which is a bit of a relief, because i was a little afraid i was just turning into an asshole permanently...but, it was just the dreaded "asshole virus" or something.

my dad's cousin died, too. i talked to my mom last night and she told me. so i didn't call anyone else, because that was TWO people in one day i'd heard about dying, and i just had to break the cycle. but it's pretty damned sad, because that means my aunt velma has lost her husband, both sons, and now her daughter. my grandma is beside herself with sadness for her sister (who is my aunt velma...i guess my great aunt velma...). anyway, my grandma must've sounded bad because my dad went to stay with her and he's just not usually that kind of guy... lifting the whole lot of them up...

ok, well, i better take my sleepy, worn out self to bed. oh, real quick. we bought the littles some bikes today...it was so sweet. watching all of the guys ride their bikes in the culdesac. i'll have to learn how to post some pictures.

peace out

the circle of life, and other shit like that

so, i've been in this house for what? three weeks? and after the first week, one neighbor sent their high school kiddos over with some brownies. then, another week later, this sweet little old lady shows up with oatmeal raisin cookies. she has coffee with us and tells us these really charming stories, fills us in on the "scoop" for the rest of the neighbors, tells me what a wonderfully charming husband i have, etc... tells my husband how beautiful his wife's eyes are. well, guess what? she died. last week, she went to a dealership for her car and missed a step and hit her head. she was fine, but thirty minutes later, she died. something about a med she was taking because of the heart halter she'd just had put on the morning she came here for coffee... it's wild. and N doesn't even know because he's at work, pulling his first night on call...

i'm a little stunned. i really liked that woman. i wanted her to tell me more stories. i wanted to learn more stuff from her... i thought i had forever, just like i always think i have forever. sigh...

today a friend of mine came over. a friend from where we just moved from. a friend from what we'll call "the med school era"... (cracking myself up) she brought her four children, who were really close and good friends of my four guys, and one extra. it was a really nice afternoon. the kids had a blast. and it was a little slow, hanging as mamas...we worked a jigsaw puzzle, for chrissakes! but it was lovely. i think it'll be awkward, because she straddles a sort of schism, i guess. and i don't know how to put it back together, but i am so grateful she's still willing to show up with me. so damned grateful.

ok, time to open a bottle of wine and pray my children will go to bed...
peace

left foot, right foot....

just trudging along...funny. the verb you use in that sentence is really important... am i rambling? cruising? bumping? shuffling?... i don't even know...

my house is trying to fall asleep. this has been hard lately and it has been wearing kind of thinly on me. they all go to sleep soooo late. and with N back at the grind, he's up early and asleep early, so it's kind of lonely around here. but i will learn to hang with myself. i just haven't even felt like reading lately, but i borrowed maya angelou--something about "getting merry like christmas"--how can that be anything but a good read?

i am so tired!!! what is the deal?!?!.... and i keep forgetting to feed my poor dogs their breakfast. so they've been getting bigger dinner...sheesh...this is just sad. maybe i should stop while i'm ahead...i'll try again tomorrow.

peas

same old, same old

you can put her in a new house and a new town, but she's still the same girl...

today has been a rough day. i am so very tired...

i mowed my grass yesterday. just the front. but i probably spent half an hour mowing my self propelled mower without the auto drive. (just because i forgot....i am not into challenging myself on purpose yet) it really wore me out...and i felt like an idiot.

my period is here and i am flowing like a river. it is disgusting and it hurts.

i whacked the bridge of my nose into the littles' desk as i hoisted myself out of e's trundle tonight...

tomorrow is N's birthday and i am going to make a carrot cake. which i think will be good tomorrow. but tonight i feel like an overzealous idiot. (again, that word..)

i am emotional and my nephew is wearing me thin. i want to do the right thing for the most people, but he has offered up information that i am just unsure of what to do with... but i went to church today and i will pray on this new issue...

and the voices of judgment are loud in my head, but i think that is mostly fatigue. so i will go to bed.

N's first day of residency went well. he has his long coat to wear tomorrow for his first full day, and i will go to the grocery first thing tomorrow to try to help today go a little better.

peace and lights out