woofing and nursing

so, i have a few thoughts to get down...my head needs the extra space.

my dogs. a friend of mine who is a dog person taught me how to correct my dogs behavior when it was out of line...like when they were nipping at the smaller children in my house. it doesn't involve hitting, which i liked, because all my life, i've never seen a dog hit another dog. bark, growl, even bite, yes, but never hit. so i've got this trick i can use. but then i find myself going to use it sometimes just because she's severely annoyed me, not that she's put anyone in danger or anything. and then i wonder if she's just looking at me, waiting for me to show signs of weakness, so she can overtake me and be the alpha dog of the house... i know, i know, i have an active imagination. but i also have serious concerns about my addiction to power. or maybe not even power, but my addiction to behaviors that overwhelm those around me. once i have something that works, i'll keep using it, and in the meantime, i stop thinking, making a decision as to whether this is an appropriate time or not, quit using my judgment. just keep on doing whatever is easier. i just thought i'd have this under better control by my thirties. but i'll keep working on it, and we'll see where we get...

nursing...

i have not mentioned, or at least not in great detail, that e and i stopped the nursing. i can't say i weaned him, and i can't say he weaned himself. it was a mutual decision made because mama's "owie nurses" (eczema) needed to get better and it meant using a medicine that wasn't safe for him. so we agreed. but a month and a half later, once the eczema is cleared and the nurses are all better, well, dammit, there's no milk. so i think he feels cheated. he made the right decision, but no one ever mentioned the nurses might dry up... i feel rotten. but i think nursing extendedly has done wonders for me as a parent and as a person. i feel like in the last three years i've become more empathetic and patient. but ironically, e's having such a hard time falling asleep, i feel like i'm being challenged in a greater capacity then i can handle, and i'm totally fucking up all the great stuff i've learned. shit...

ok, maybe i can settle down to read a bit...
peace