bowel analogy

consider yourself warned, ok?...

i've told a friend of mine lately a few different times that i'm feeling emotionally constipated. being for real constipated is not a pleasant feeling in my bowels, and being emotionally constipated is not a pleasant feeling in my, well, the rest of me. i feel kind of toxic, and then i eat toxic, and then, well, then i'm just constipated all around...woo-hoo! fun stuff...

my sister this week had the opposite, she had the runs. then she was constipated. now she has the runs again. this is so me emotionally. stop. start. i usually have an okay-semi-balanced-feeling time, but then the stop. start. stop. start. comes again.

but you know what? i don't care. i mean, obviously, i do a little. but i am really working hard at not being identified by my feelings. and just working through them. so i've been painting. and gardening. and cleaning. and eating crappy food...oh wait, that doesn't exactly count. and when i look around my house, i think, "yep, this is where i'm supposed to be. a lifetime of shit to do hardly requiring a word..." :) but there's a lot i want to do. and i'm grateful for the chance to be active (and therefore think less, but that doesn't sound right...).

i'm also grateful for some things we are working on in our community. it has long been a dream of mine to get the kids involved in volunteering...it's something i did for five summers of my teen years and i really think it is what grounded me and helped me find my own voice and my own feet (even if they did prefer to walk on the toes of others for a long time) so it looks like it may start happening. they are finally old enough for all of us to do it and i am pee-my-pants excited about this. not that my excitement defines me...snort. (it really doesn't...i'm exhausted and don't even look in the least bit excited)

so that's where i am. started this post to talk about how constipated i felt and it turned out i had a touch of diarrhea...i'm not even surprised anymore. (now i'm smiling with my half-lidded sleepy eyes)
g'night and peace