gratitude

i figured something out yesterday. nothing huge, but it is significant enough that i'll write it here to help me remember. caffeine affects me quite a lot...and sleep deprivation makes me hate the world...or at least most of the things i come into contact with in the world.

i make lots of iced tea here and i always use decaffeinated tea bags...always. except for when i buy generic and don't realize that they aren't decaf...then i buy caffeinated, apparently. and after a couple of weeks of drinking caffeinated tea, not sleeping well, and then finally downing two huge glasses of it (after working my ass off in the heat....i've mentioned the heat?) before bed, and not sleeping at all that night...well, that's where the study on the effects of sleep deprivation come in...

yesterday was bad. it wasn't so bad on the outside....my nephew was here and we had a lot of fun with him. and it was my sexy spouse's birthday, so i made an angel food cake and took pictures and made cards, etc... but on the inside....man, my head and heart and spirit were seriously, seriously polluted. not a good place to be alone, which unfortunately, seems to be the primary way i experience myself most of the time....

so, thankfully, as i was lamenting (to myself) how the world was going to hell in a hand basket and how everyone i love are just turning into selfish assholes, it occurred to me that maybe i was a tad sleepy and maybe after some sleep, i wouldn't quite see everything so negatively. (of course, the two year old in me insisted i was NOT sleepy and everyone DID just suck...but i held her for a minute and she promptly fell asleep.) so i went to bed and when i woke up this morning, felt so good, it was all i could do to stop myself from skipping and singing "zippity doo dah"....only because i can't stand a braggart.

but i am humbled and grateful. i am so glad i kept my trap shut yesterday and didn't hurt people i love by saying things that weren't even true. i am so glad i took care of myself last night. i am glad i was able to give my spouse some of my energy in celebration of his day, but drew the line when i knew i was past the point of being able to celebrate any more.

i also want to thank a friend of mine...jen...because she has put so many wonderful poems and films and words that i have found so much light in on her blog lately. thank you, thank you, thank you. (can i add you to my blog roll? would that be ok?)

and i hear julie walker is continuing to get better. she got to go home yesterday...yes, two days after brain surgery. she's doing very, very well. never underestimate the power of praying mamas...(and papas, too, of course)

i am feeling much, much better today...i'm grateful for the beautiful (if not a tad bit warm) day and for all the wonderful people who surround me who don't give up on me, even when i become a selfish asshole...kisses.
peace