violence

i just don't get it...i mean, i get anger...i do. i'm not always sure what to do with it, but i definitely understand the feeling...am quite familiar with it. but violence? actually striking out against someone with the intent to really hurt them? i don't get it...

i talked to my nephew today. he's seventeen. and he got beaten up in the bathroom by another kid on tuesday. a kid at least six inches taller than him. hit in the face, the throat, the chest, the stomach, the ears. over a girl. he didn't fight back. he says it's because in high school, there is no self defense...you swing, you're fighting and you get the fighting consequences. he also says that if he had fought back, he's pretty sure he could've dropped the guy. i'm not sure if he's being completely honest in these admissions...the way our culture is, and the way the other men in his family are, i just don't know how honest he'd be if he had other reasons for not fighting...so i told him about how, spending some time growing up in a house with a stepfather who used to beat up my mother, i found out really quickly that i was not a fighter. that watching someone get so angry and start throwing someone else around, hitting someone else...with rage in their eyes...and the fear in the other person's eyes...pretty much left me unable to move. i don't know if fear drained me or if adrenalin so overpowered my system, i couldn't actually control anything, but whatever it was, all i ever did was stand there. and i used to be ashamed of that. think i should've hit him with a chair or something. something to defend my mother. but i'm not ashamed anymore. it was a crappy situation all around... just like this shit with this guy hitting my nephew. it makes me feel sick. and sad. and angry. and also grateful that my nephew wasn't too hurt and that his physical hurts have healed and that he's willing to talk about it and maybe heal some of the not physical hurts of it all.

i feel bad for this kid who beat up my nephew. i can't help but envision him as this sort of neanderthal. which, in all honesty, is how i'd view my stepfather when he'd get drunk and abusive. it's just the way my mind works. you can look like a normal person one minute, and then swing at my mom, and all of a sudden your arms appear a little longer, your eyebrow a little darker and ridged on your forehead. it takes a few weeks for the vision to fade and eventually, he'd look like himself again, but i can still remember him both ways in my mind. so while i'm sure the child who beat up my nephew is not a neanderthal and probably every bit the picture of youth and possibility and vitality that my nephew is, i just wonder what hurts would lead him to hurt someone else...and did he really think his girlfriend would be so impressed by this violence that she'd stay with him? i guess some girls are...at least i have heard some are, but i haven't really met any of them. which doesn't necessarily mean i don't know any...maybe they just haven't shared that part. anyway, my nephew didn't do anything bad to the girlfriend. as a matter of fact, he was doing quite good things for her...being her friend, listening to her, laughing with her. he'd mentioned her to me a few times. i could tell he liked her. he never did mention she had a boyfriend, though...i guess that wasn't one of his favorite things about her.

i don't know...i have a lot of sympathy for the way the situation played out...it sucked...for everyone at some point or another. the neanderthal, er, i mean other kid has been kicked out of many school organizations he'd participated in. the nephew had to heal a bit. the girlfriend, i'm sure, was distraught over numerous things. but it still makes me feel sick to think of my nephew getting punched...of this other child feeling that punching was the right thing. but i know this is part of life. not my favorite part, but...



peace