hey, i'm doing it again

blogging, that is...

when i blog regularly, it's just like anything else i do regularly...it just becomes something i do, i do it, and i keep going. and i feel good about it. (i feel the same way about running, btw...and am finding it just as difficult to get back into the swing of running as well.) and i am having such a hard time returning to regular blogging. part of me wonders why i care. i mean, i "see" somewhere on the internet or in person most of the folks who read this blog. but there is something about words for me. they help me process the world. and i get a little backed up. and when i avoid dealing with my verbal/processing constipation, well, we all know that shit needs somewhere to go, right? and like i mentioned in my last post, i think not blogging leads to much mindfucking, which then leads to worry, and then that energy still has to go somewhere and i assume it just swirls around in me, eventually leading to ulcers or cancer or my hair falling out at least...and then the sadness over those things will just jump into the fray of energy already swirling around and i'll probably just die. i mean, i don't mean to be morbid, but let's just get this out, 'k?

i admit i was going for a little shock value in my last post. mostly because i walked around in a state of shock for most of january. never really knowing what was coming next...and for awhile there, let's be honest, it just. kept. coming. but that is life. and it is also life to just sit and see how everything will settle...get used to the "new normal". (i can't explain it...i understand the phrase "new normal"....yet there is still something i hate about it...just sayin')

anyway....i was thinking about january, reflecting on everyone that was affected by it, everyone in the same position i am, waiting on that "new normal" bullshit, everyone who acted in ways that began the cascade that was january...i have so many questions i want to ask...so many things i want to say...things i'd like to hear. but i'm a little afraid of fucking it up worse. and while i usually feel that's kind of "egocentric with an inferiority complex" of me (thank you anne lamott for a diagnosis finally), right now i feel like it's just intelligence. if it feels logical to me that unchanneled energy can reek a little havoc and cause things i don't want, then it seems like channeled energy should be able to do really good things. but i think it takes time to channel energy...and i think it takes time for the good things that need to be done to be revealed sometimes. so, again, as anne lamott says, i'm just waiting for my next operating instructions. and in the meantime, i'm going to be grateful for opportunities to blog, try to find opportunities to run, and keep my therapist in business, i'm sure.

peace