learn your lessons and move along

last night was kind of craptastic. matter of fact, it was pretty freaking craptastic. but i learned a lot. and now, i can move on....

i was playing the evening over in my mind as i fell asleep last night...because that's what i do...i don't know why. and i kept thinking about the dalai lama and how he says that suffering comes from our misperception of the true nature of things...that we should meditate on the true nature of things to free ourselves from that suffering. and i kept wondering what the true nature of what was pissing me off was. sometimes, people are hurt and act ugly. sometimes, they are hurt because they think you did or meant things that never even crossed your mind. and sometimes, even though you tell them that is not what you meant, they just don't care and they keep feeling hurt and being ugly, feeling justified in that choice even if you never, ever meant to hurt them. it's not too difficult, until they throw a zinger out there that kind of hurts your feelings and then whoosh...dog chasing tail comes to mind. and, as much as i apologized last night (for things i never intended), i finally just said, "i am really sorry...but i am also finished apologizing." that was a new one. i wanted to look over my shoulder and see who said that, but since i was standing against a counter top, there wasn't anyone behind me. i know there is no right or wrong in this situation...just feelings that have to settle. but there is also wisdom to gain...if i don't think too much about it. so i'm just going to leave it there...

moving along...

peace

hurt

i was talking to a mama friend last night and realized something. (yes, this is my super morbidly intense phase...i'm hoping if i don't fight it, i'll move past it soon....everyone cross your fingers...i even have my toes crossed)

anyway, i was thinking about how there is something weirdly "comforting" about thoughts that are generally negative...anger, hurt, resentment, insecurity. i was working through some of those feelings last night, and i told my friend that i was realizing i needed to not hold on to those feelings...be justified by them, defined by them. that normally, as counter intuitive as it is, i'd grab ahold of those nasty feelings, stroke them, feed them milk...anything to keep them near. because somewhere deep down, i guess i find them comforting because they justify not doing things that may involve risk...not taking a chance...not making myself "vulnerable". they feed that illusion that i'm in control because i'm not going to take a risk and therefore i'm "safe," even though i'm sad and miserable.

but i can let those feelings go. i can feel them but refuse to be identified by them. i really can. i've tried it and it worked. it was....so nice. of course i'm still waiting, in some small part of myself, to find out if really i'm just screwing it up and this is all a figment of my imagination. but maybe if i stay focused in the now, i can make the illusion last forever...

i had a good day today. got a flat tire, got it fixed, drove home on the doughnut. met with the cooperative mamas, made some decisions, set the next meeting date. watched the children, really watched them, smiled a lot, felt good. getting ready to make some bread, try making homemade mozzarella, some other good food. looking forward to the weekend.

left foot, right foot, breathe...
thank you, thank you, thank you....
peace