hummingbird head

that's how it feels anyway...like my mind is a little hummingbird flitting around in my head...lighting on this thought for a few minutes, that thought for a few...but not one thing for too long.

the-rapist has this analogy she uses. she says you can't go anywhere on an empty tank. she says i have to work on filling up my tank. i don't know what kind of gas i take... i come back to this every now and then. i know i enjoy blogging. i like to read. i like to be alone... i also like to get stuff d-o-n-e. i like to take care of my family and other folks. i feel like i do these things often. and i don't often feel empty... well, last week, i felt really empty. and i wanted to fill it...with anything...food, shopping, internet wasteland. oh, and i also love music. anyway...(look, a sea gull...)

i have this post i wanted to make about my childhood. kind of a healing the inner two year old type thing. but i was thinking about it earlier...and kids are so much smarter and resilient than adults are...i think my inner two year old is over it. the basic gyst of it was that my mom taught me if i'd only become a perfect child, then i'd receive a perfect love. and i was kind of pissed to realize that...for a day or so...because then i realized that my mom still believes once she's the perfect person, she'll receive a perfect love. so it's not like she held out on me or purposely manipulated me. she couldn't give what she didn't have. like i said, i'm kind of over it. i mean, i guess i'll still feel small tantrums over that habit of wanting something not reasonable...eckhart tolle calls them pain bodies, i think...but it's not as powerful.

there are other things that are still powerful that i haven't even begun to decipher. and i'm okay with that, too. my perspective gets longer at times, so i realize the objects in my emotions aren't as big as they feel, i guess.

what else? what else?....

we are busy folks. we painted my oldest's room today. just knocked it the fuck out. that was cool. it looks nice. kind of more mature, i guess. and he rode his bike to his robotics team meeting on sunday. and rode it home. this is big shit...really big stuff. i'm happy for him. hell, i'm kind of happy for me, too. but painting with him...that did not make me happy. i hope i never paint with him again. he sucks at it. and makes a freaking, fracking mess. i thought i'd have a heart attack from the stress of the mess + not wanting to be a buzz kill and bitch him out for this "my own independent room" thing we were doing...omigod, sometimes the stress of being who i want to be almost kills me dead. but have i mentioned how brilliant he is? (when he's not painting or playing basketball...and we both suck at basketball...equally...or maybe me even more...but probably not)

ok...this is all i have. i mowed the backyard tonight. it really, REALLY sucks when i wait too long because the grass gets so thick and tall it chokes the mower. it takes for-freaking-ever to mow...sigh...oh, and i haven't showered all day. that's something i almost never do...but i just never made it in...gross.
peace

getting it off my chest

oh, and it is a plural pronoun in this case...

i have been painting. a lot of colors. all over my house. and i really like it. but it is a lot of colors and i am generally a soft spoken person, unless i'm with people i know. but there are all different kinds of people who make their way into my house...and i do not know them all well....and for some reason, i worry about them thinking i am crazy for painting my wall eggplant. or i think they will take a look around, and as my friend hope describes it, think two painters got in a mexican bar fight...or something like that.

but the real news.... my friend julie....she is the one in the red bandana in this slightly outdated picture from 2005

is presently on her way to adopt this little boy, also in a slightly outdated picture, from nepal...
i talked to her last night, and was surprised by how similar the feelings were as she was preparing to fly halfway around the world to become a mother and the way i remember feeling toward the end of each of my pregnancies. anxious, excited, doubtful, sick, worried, joyful, scared... but this "pregnancy" has lasted her almost three years. she got to meet him last year at this time, but had to come home without him. with all the unrest that's been going on in nepal, i worry about her. because she's four feet tall and feeling quite vulnerable now that she's facing motherhood, i worry about her. so i offer her up for prayers, positive energies....

everything else can wait. i am tired and feeling emotional today and just don't want to go into anything else...i'm fairly certain i'm just blowing it out of proportion, anyway...

so, peace...