good will

so, it's been a nice day, but a mess in my head, sorta... it's funny. you can tell a story to a room full of people, but if they don't really give a shit about you or what you're talking about, it's just white noise. but add some caring, and it's a life lesson. (or something similar)

i have lots of good will. it's just that i have these anxieties making some static and it's not so obvious there's still tons of good will left there. i guess i like people who will help me kind of "neutralize" the static so that the good will can flow... anyway, i need to learn to neutralize this shit on my own, because it gets obvious when you've had lots of static, people run out of good will... :) but i'll be darned if more people who have the energy to care about what you're saying don't show up anyway.

my mom used to tell me my song was one by simon and garfunkel, "i am a rock"... hohohohehehe not lately. but maybe i need to reconnect with that nomad in me...that island. i just feel like life has been pretty rough lately. and i don't think it's something i have to learn to deal with... i don't plan on my life being this way often. like, ever again. these are extenuating circumstances. i am winging this. and i can't deny that i resent winging it on my own. like i somehow stopped playing the right way, so fly solo little bird. but whatever. i don't have the energy to deal with this. my friend marcy tonight said, "i never think about other people" and it just struck me hilarious. i mean, normally, i would think that a rather selfish statement. but today, it just struck me as brilliant. i know that's change, but is it growth?

peace