reflection

i was thinking the other day....i do this quite a bit actually. i was thinking about growing up for me. wondering if it was my childhood that made me so empathic and analytical and then defensive when it comes to other's emotions, or if i was just already wired to be that way. because i did watch the adults around me, try to figure out how they were feeling, and i often felt directly responsible for their emotions. of course, as an adult, i know i wasn't always, probably rarely. but it was all so real as a kid...

i still over analyze and tend to get defensive with other's emotions. but i'm learning to identify my own. the most liberating thing has been learning not to ask or wait for others to change my emotions, but to do it myself. or to sit in them alone for awhile until they start changing on their own... why do my emotions seem so separate from me sometimes? or separate isn't the right word....independent is better.

we had a blast at the beach. it was an honest to god first rate time. the kids were on cloud nine. i felt like a qualifying contestant in the mama of the world pageant.

and then we kayaked yesterday. (is that how you spell the past tense of kayak? wow, spell check says that's a fine word...cool) and i showed my brother in law my nipple. (well, not exactly on purpose...like, not at all on purpose...) but i am sure that is not why he was in a cross mood. i am sure that given the number of years i've spent nursing my sons, he didn't even think twice about my nipple hanging out of my bathing suit under my shirt that was quite see-through, as it was wet. i am sure of these things. ok, i'm not. but i choose to think they are the most logical and not that he thinks i am a bumbling idiot girl who can't even keep track of her own nipples. yep, that's my choice.

i am thinking about a tattoo. i wanted a tree of life, but did some searching thinking i'd choose from the twenty or so images, and well, that's not really how it's worked out. which is ok, because when i did a search for the tattoo parlor where i got my other two tattoos, the only thing i could find was a negative review about one of the artists... maybe i need to think a little more about this. i guess this is the difference between getting a tattoo in your late teens and one in your mid thirties?...(i ain't even going there)

ok, i have been totally lame today. (and i am going to buy a book about shakespearean insults for n because lame is just lame...) i haven't walked around with a limp...i've just not done a whole lot of walking around period. i did do a load of dishes... and made my bed. and changed my address on my driver's license. and...yep...that's it.

peace out