bloggity blog blog

blogging is a funny thing...more public than a journal, but also a lot more easily edited. although i think that editing thing is a kind of myth for me because i never go back and edit my stuff. i mean, i do edit things as i type, but i never go back and rework stuff, which is something i thought i'd do, but i guess not...

when i started out blogging, my intent was to keep it anonymous, so that i could really just let fly and no one would know who i was, so there would be no accountability...well, at least not directly. (eyebrows rising up and down at the devilish brilliance of the plan...) but, like all well-laid plans, it didn't work out like that....so then i shared my blog with a few close friends and a group of mamas i've come to love. and now it's just this place where i put little pieces of myself, either because i want to save them or because i need to get them the hell out....maybe because they're funny or i want some help or i like you tube...whichever...

it's funny the times someone i know has read my blog and called or emailed, worried. but i'm cheering at a soccer practice. or making dinner, or something. surprising sometimes the things we can feel and think and work through and still move forward, isn't it? but it's a snapshot and there's always a bigger picture that you just can't capture in a few paragraphs (or even more). and while i do struggle sometimes with how someone i know might read my words, i push myself to maintain my integrity...and be true to myself...keep plugging forward.

sometimes i feel like i sound so self-centered in my blog. but i dump a lot of stuff here so that i can get on with my life that is quite centered in service to my family. it's kind of a to-do list in constant progress...to be inspired, to be reminded, to be re-focused, to be re-liberated, to remember (which is different from being reminded, so i included it).

anyway, i guess i just had to get that out... in light of my messy, incomplete, fragmented blogging lately, i kind of needed to redefine this space for myself. here are some anne lamott quotes from "bird by bird" that explain what i think about writing...

We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in.

Truth seems to want expression. Unacknowledged truth saps your energy and keeps you and your characters wired and delusional. But when you open the closet door and let what was inside out, you can get a rush of liberation and even joy. If we can believe in the Gnostic gospel of Thomas, old Uncle Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth can destroy you."

so working toward awareness and honesty in my blog seems the right thing to do to me. there will also be stories about how that works with others, because, well, i'm surrounded by other folks. (not at this moment...right now i'm alone in my computer room listening to npr while i type...ahh, the calm is sweet...)
peace