and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

real quick like...

here's a quote from the mama blogging at cage free family...

I also learned (and this is, secretly, my biggest lesson so far)... It is okay to ask for help and that difficult moments and trials are not a reflection of my inadequacies, but rather platforms for me to work my strengths... to flex my muscles.

there have been many, many things i have wanted to blog about. mostly, i forget what they are because, let's face it, i'm pregnant and have four kids already and my memory is just not working at the level i'd become accustomed to. sometimes, though, i don't get around to blogging because this is just one of those times that you get to confront lots of things, figure out lots of stuff, and there isn't always time or words to capture what you're feeling, what you're realizing, and all the damned light that keeps shining. i have read many, many things that i have related to so deeply...maybe that's the deal for now, my words don't come from my mouth (or fingers) but from others... whatever it is, these words capture a lot, oh, A LOT, of what i've been thinking about lately in some shape, form, fashion, or other.

hoping i'll get back soon...
peace

early morning blogging

with all this change in schedule this semester, i can't find a rhythm for blogging. i like to blog at night...kind of wipe the slate clean so i can sleep easily, but i'm usually too tired by then. but this early stuff? i mean, i haven't even poured the coffee yet... it feels weird. kind of choppy. not too coherent and what if my buffer goes out? who knows what i could post here?

ok, so i poured coffee...and it disturbs me. it disturbs me that without any caffeine in my system, i don't think so well. as i was pouring, i was thinking about how the sun comes up earlier now than it did a month ago. my teen used to watch it come up on the way to his class, but now, it's already up when he leaves. and that made me think about "springing ahead"...and i cannot figure out if that will make it daylight sooner or later?...i mean, if what was eight is now nine after we spring ahead?...if the sun comes up at seven, which will be eight?...if i wake up at six, which will then be seven?...oh hey, i get it. but i couldn't figure it out earlier, k?

maybe blogging in the morning isn't my thing...
peace

stream of consciousness

today's highlights....

...this is cool hanging out with the teen...almost makes getting up at six okay...mmm, these scones are good...

...wow, i haven't heard this led zepplin song in forever...oh, and now it's spin doctors, i love this song, too...i wonder if some of these eighteen wheelers realize just how fucking big they are?...

...must chat with the kids about playing video games and ignoring their clipboards...whew, that went better than i thought it would...whaddya mean "should i do my math work?"...maybe they just don't listen to a damn thing i say...where are the scones?...

...pick a category for book club...check out some great pictures of cooking at co-op...darn, those kiddos are cute...i should take pics of my classes...facebook...cyber tribe...love...love...love...

...oh shit, piano...we're late...let me stop vacuuming and get everyone in the car...grab dalai lama book on the way out...dependent arising? have i read that before?...oh yes...now i remember...sorta...

...home...bake cookies...kids outside--hurray!...hubby home...laundry...computer...so many blogs i've composed in my head...no brain cells left to write full sentences...thoughts still clamoring to spill out...best i can do...james joyce is rolling in his grave...

...peace...

ps--here's something i've been thinking of lots this week. a quote by someone else, so it's really good...

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

-Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers (which i've never read, but this quote was in kids are worth it, which i read periodically...)

miss me?

because i miss me a little...

i'm getting things back in order...continuing with the new normal of our lives this semester...and using the friends who stayed with us the last five days as a good excuse to do some deep cleaning.

i will say that it still catches me off guard when big shifts come in life and a big shift in the weather accompanies them. we have had our windows open for the last two days...

ok...the males in my life are giving me a headache...in a really cute, charming, LOUD kind of way...

there are many things i am thinking about blogging...maybe tomorrow will be my day.
peace

bloggity blog blog

blogging is a funny thing...more public than a journal, but also a lot more easily edited. although i think that editing thing is a kind of myth for me because i never go back and edit my stuff. i mean, i do edit things as i type, but i never go back and rework stuff, which is something i thought i'd do, but i guess not...

when i started out blogging, my intent was to keep it anonymous, so that i could really just let fly and no one would know who i was, so there would be no accountability...well, at least not directly. (eyebrows rising up and down at the devilish brilliance of the plan...) but, like all well-laid plans, it didn't work out like that....so then i shared my blog with a few close friends and a group of mamas i've come to love. and now it's just this place where i put little pieces of myself, either because i want to save them or because i need to get them the hell out....maybe because they're funny or i want some help or i like you tube...whichever...

it's funny the times someone i know has read my blog and called or emailed, worried. but i'm cheering at a soccer practice. or making dinner, or something. surprising sometimes the things we can feel and think and work through and still move forward, isn't it? but it's a snapshot and there's always a bigger picture that you just can't capture in a few paragraphs (or even more). and while i do struggle sometimes with how someone i know might read my words, i push myself to maintain my integrity...and be true to myself...keep plugging forward.

sometimes i feel like i sound so self-centered in my blog. but i dump a lot of stuff here so that i can get on with my life that is quite centered in service to my family. it's kind of a to-do list in constant progress...to be inspired, to be reminded, to be re-focused, to be re-liberated, to remember (which is different from being reminded, so i included it).

anyway, i guess i just had to get that out... in light of my messy, incomplete, fragmented blogging lately, i kind of needed to redefine this space for myself. here are some anne lamott quotes from "bird by bird" that explain what i think about writing...

We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in.

Truth seems to want expression. Unacknowledged truth saps your energy and keeps you and your characters wired and delusional. But when you open the closet door and let what was inside out, you can get a rush of liberation and even joy. If we can believe in the Gnostic gospel of Thomas, old Uncle Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth can destroy you."

so working toward awareness and honesty in my blog seems the right thing to do to me. there will also be stories about how that works with others, because, well, i'm surrounded by other folks. (not at this moment...right now i'm alone in my computer room listening to npr while i type...ahh, the calm is sweet...)
peace

on my own

just for the day. last time i did this was right before i moved when a mama friend took my kids for the day so i could clean and pack my house. but this is much funner....just lots of laundry to be done. well, and i should clean some rabbit cages, too...blech

so other than laundry, i've listened to "into the west" off of the lotr soundtrack about fifty times without anyone complaining. and i danced my ass off to big audio dynamite and erasure. (i was in a hurry to put on something fast) much fun. i think my beastie boys cd is in my van which my spouse took to get fixed two and a half hours away (in our home town) with my four sons, sooooo...

my mom left the hospital today. she sounded much, much better. that alone is great. if they can actually figure out what landed her there...pretty much icing. i'm expecting "idiopathic" to be part of the diagnosis, to be honest...

i was thinking about blogging today...how funny it is. i love it because it's easier to type a journal entry than go find my journal and write. and frankly, it's much less likely my kids will read my blog than my journal. and while i'm not hiding who i am, i don't exactly think they're ready for the workings of my mind just yet. at least not so spelled out. well, that and the rawness of emotion. yeah, i'm kidding myself... anyway... i've read how some bloggers feel pressure to write good stuff. and while i feel it sometimes, i obviously don't let that get in the way of just getting something out because that's primarily what this blog is for me. and outlet. there are way too many things bumping around in my head and i have to let some of it out...get some order to it, even if it's just words, even if they're crappy. and while i've been so very overwhelmed lately, blogging still helps somewhat.

i don't know what other people look for in blogs, but i like the insightful days, the honest days, the days where there's anger or frustration or sadness or happiness or joy or, yes, even those of just blah. most of it i can relate to in some part of me. some days i envy, some days i have much sympathy for, some i rejoice or just laugh with...but almost all i can empathize with and help me get in touch with some part of myself without having to do that work for the day. it's like little tune ups. and for that i am so very grateful.

so keep blogging...i know i will. if i have a sucky day (or many sucky days in a row), forgive me. go read one of the mamas on my blog roll...they're good...all of them.

back to laundry and music...i also want to watch stardust again. watched it with my guys the other day, but they thought it was kind of syrupy. i could've done with more syrup and less manly stuff...but i guess it kept us all happy. maybe i'll just fast forward through the fighting parts...i don't know why i'm feeling so "girly" today...maybe the lack of testosterone in the house... it feels good, whatever it is. not something i think i could handle for more than a day, but good nonetheless.

peace

ok, quick video....annie singing her song. i love her. just a regular mama with a voice that could kill a whole army of orcs...this one's shorter than the one on the cd, but i loved watching her sing it. hope you do, too