just looking at stuff

it's been kind of blah here lately. i have a cold which makes everything kind of have this watery quality to it. drowning...crying...whatever...not that any of that is actually going on. it's just how it feels. the potential under the surface. adding to it is that, as i've mentioned a million times i feel like, it's kind of a busy semester for us. i finally called second born's flute teacher and added that weekly appointment to the chaos...so at least i can let go of the guilt of not allowing him to be as overscheduled as the rest of us....aahhhh....(that's supposed to sound like a relieved "ah" and not a screaming type "ah" although either would work right there)

i feel like teenager is edgy. but i can't tell if he's edgy because he's feeling overwhelmed or if he's edgy because he feels like we're all looking at him to break down from being overwhelmed...see the difference? see the dilemma? it's kind of funny to me, though, in my congested, foggy headed state. because i don't know how to proceed. i mean...i do...i just proceed...that's how. and eventually we'll find a rhythm...or eventually we'll just be proceeding without being so damned conscious of it...whatever.

but tonight, when he got home from rock climbing team, he was kind of edgy, surly...grumpy...whatever. i can't tell if it's from being away from us so much...learning some independence...coming back and bucking us a little. i don't know. whatever it is, it's edgy, it's surly, it's grumpy. so, as my spouse is baiting a rat trap (i don't want to talk about that part of my story right now) with peanut butter, teenager says, "that's not even real peanut butter" all disgusted like. now, it does have flax seed added to it, but it is peanut butter. in my quest to buy natural products for my kids, i happened upon this stuff, and while it does have added oil, salt, and molasses, mostly i was overjoyed it could live on a shelf and not produce our own little exxon valdez oil spill every time someone wants a little peanut butter on something. seriously, the non separating part of it was hugely appealing after years of oil spills all over my hands, the counter top, whatever. so i explained to teenager that it was, in fact, really peanut butter. he kind of rolls his eyes (like there's a kind of to eye rolling, but humor me) and says, "well, i don't like the way it tastes."

now, i don't think we should get all emotional and read a bunch of shit into peanut butter. i really don't. but i did feel, just a little, like he was getting all rebellious on me about not liking this peanut butter. (it was the eye rolling that did it, you see...combined with the smirky lips and stare down after he said it...like he didn't care if it was real peanut butter...and really i was missing the point by discussing whether it was real peanut butter...and why am i such a dumb whore as to not realize the real point here?...) and so i told him, in my stuffed up nose voice (which is so very cool, lembetellyouh) that all he has to do is let me know if he doesn't like a brand of something i buy and i'll try a different brand. and then i went to move laundry (read: got the hell out of room...the tension was so thick...yes, it was like peanut butter)

as i was moving the laundry, i thought about how hard it was as a teen to live in a house where i didn't always like what the parentals bought to pass for meals or snacks. how i did sometimes feel like they were choosing not to buy my own preferences. (i know, i know, five words, right? this was years before i knew the five words, so it was allll about me then...) and i can empathize with my son on this. i know he's told me things he doesn't particularly like and i've still bought them. usually, because i forget he told me he didn't like them. not because he isn't important to me. i just have a lot of shit to remember and these days, well, some of it's falling through the cracks. (yes, i just admitted my mind's a little cracked...see what therapy can do for a girl?) so i was all full of empathy for the teenager slighted by his mother's peanut butter bumble...who probably doesn't even CARE that she'll try something new and different next time...if, fingers crossed, she remembers to even buy peanut butter next time.

but then i thought about how freaking hard it is to buy something every person in a family of six will like...and then i felt all this empathy for the mother who can't always please everyone...sometimes because she doesn't know, sometimes because she forgets, sometimes because she just can't imagine it's that big of a deal...i mean, good lord, give her a break, wouldja?

so after looking at both sides of the situation, i decided to hell with it. it's about peanut butter, right? it is not about me. and i am tired and worn out from this damned cold and probably not thinking too clearly about this shit anyway.

but i do miss him. he is gone a lot. and it sucks being sick during this transition. but once i get better (and i'm on my way...my eyes no longer feel like there are knives behind them and i don't feel the need to yank my teeth out anymore) i think everything will be alright...sometimes chaotic, sometimes delightful...but i think it'll average out to alright. and that's good for me.
peace