frustration

i'd like to work passed it, so i will just get some out in this here blog...

communication...my spouse says, "i'm sorry you're disappointed." i say, "don't apologize to me for my emotions." (i felt this was an important distinction) he said, "i'm sorry i disappointed you." now, i wasn't disappointed. well, i guess you could say i was, because disappointment is a very broad emotion, but it is not what i would've chosen as my emotional state. also, i wouldn't have held him singularly responsible for my emotional state either, but didn't really feel, at this point in the too long conversation we'd been having that he'd find that particularly relevant either. my spouse likes to choose his words...and once they've been chosen, getting him to change course in his thoughts is like trying to change the course of a river with toothpicks...it is difficult...and after a lengthy "discussion," i just didn't have the energy. plus, i realize that he does not worry about soothing me when i've disappointed him. and perhaps in my rush to be sure he's not being too hard on himself when i've let him know he's disappointed me, i've made it so that he's untouched by it... well, not untouched and really, i'll never know how much my disappointment affects him...he'll probably never really know either. but i just thought i'd let him rest with the emotion for a little bit and have some confidence in his ability to work through emotions...the same way he has confidence we'll work through whatever he throws our way...whether he's saying what he thinks or just some made up bullshit...whichever... (ok, that was a little more bitter than i wanted it to sound...obviously i have some work to do on this one...and i'm working on it...i am....)

robotics...let me just say that my teenager is handling the tension there better than i am. i just don't understand why my co-coach feels the need to be so directive. it's like she's driving the bus and our team is in the backseat, cutting up, throwing spitballs, you know...all the stuff kids do in the backseat. and these guys are old enough to drive. well, not a car...but themselves in preparing for this competition. she doesn't give them a chance to appreciate what they've accomplished and then set the next goal. she just keeps pushing. and i feel like none of them really give much of a shit anymore. hell, i'm having a hard time mustering a flying fart about it lately...

parenting...i don't know why, but this has been a challenge lately. it's like, there's kindness and that's all good and well, but let's be funny, because that's more important than kindness. let's be sarcastic and competitive and put each other down...but all in good fun, right? which requires some kindness, but i feel like people only want to put forth the minimum amount of kindness needed to have good will when they really want to be shitty. all this, "he needs to know the truth" or "i care about him and he needs to be tough." i get tired of this. and after having six males under my care for this past week, plus my spouse popping in to add his own testosterone, i'm a little d.o.n.e with it. why can't people just be kind? why is that wimpy or whatever? my nephew has this illusion of being self-sufficient and strong and adaptable...and those are good things, but the idea that he doesn't need anyone...and that he's frustrated and weak when he does...i felt good i could listen and mostly just love him, even when his words made me want to puke. why can't people just admit they need other people? not to wipe your nose or your ass, but just a shared existence? whatever that is for whoever we're talking about...and yes, i guess some folks do in fact need someone to wipe their nose or their ass and there is nothing wrong with that, either. i need to buy this tshirt that says "we're here to get over our disillusion of separateness" or something like that. but it's this yucky blue color, so i haven't. but it is hard to parent young men who are able to dialogue and be kind to one another...who can joke around, but who watch the other person's face to see if it's too much, or just listen to the other person's words if they ask my guys to stop. to be responsive to another person, i guess is what i'm trying to say. it would be nice to be able to do this with someone who valued kindness and self-accountability the same way. oh, i know i sound all high and mighty in this, and i don't mean to. i am not perfect, that's for damned sure. but i do value kindness and i wish sometimes i could parent with someone who valued that as highly as i do, that's all...

i think that's really about it...or at least the high points. there are other things i am working on in myself...trying to be a little more independent. not totally independent...yes, i read what i write...but to change my own self accountability, not to my kids, but in my internal life, maybe...i don't know how to say it. i am also trying very hard to take care of myself...not necessarily in a pure way...moderation...this is my theme for this year, but i'll write about that later. but i am trying to run a little every other day, work out as often, and take my vitamins more regularly. i'm also going to be journaling more often, whether here on my blog or in my paper journal. i am ready to begin taking a more steady approach in maintaining a healthy balance in life.

hey, so in the interest of balance, one good thing today...i got to visit with a friend this afternoon when i picked my boys up from her house. (dh had dropped them off) i hadn't seen her in awhile, and she has family visiting, but it was good to see her. and she reminded me we're not too far from all those nice, normal things we used to do on a regular basis starting up again....relief.

peace