hey hey

it's so weird to blog. only because i think about blogging a lot. i compose them in my head...while i fall asleep...while i nurse the baby...while i drive. but then i never seem to find the time to actually do it. and then i stay away because i'm afraid that once i actually pull up my blog and click on "new post"...it'll just lead to this verbal vomitting of things...so many damned things...that i need to get off my chest and send that energy out in the world to grow trees or something more useful than swirling around inside of me causing ulcers or something.

i am so glad january's over...

in january i...

learned my father's brother was hocking all of my grandmother's things (along with his daughter) to support a drug habit.

learned my stepfather has prostate cancer but doesn't want anyone to know anything about it.

learned that one of my niece's let one of her aunties and uncles know that she felt they were selfish people and terrible parents.

learned that my stepmother's brother hung himself.

and that was my january. so good fucking riddance to january, i say.

but...because i am who i am...i have to say that in january i also...

saw my father reach out to his brother and take care of his mother in a way i know he probably had long wanted to, but felt out of place to do.

showed up for my stepfather and mother (and grandfather and stepgrandmother) and it just felt good.

let my sil (beforementioned auntie) know that i love her and feel for her and totally support her, and that seemed to mean a lot to her, so i'm glad i took the time to do it.

was able to spend a number of days with my stepmother and father and sister and brothers with my youngest...and although it was very raw, i am again glad i showed up.

so the lesson of january? show up. unless you can't...and then that's okay too. but make the choice each time...think about it and go with what you got.

so now it is february. and i had a birthday. and i got soooo many wonderful, fabulous, amazing birthday wishes, texts, songs, cards. i don't know where i found all these wonderful, fabulous, amazing people...or maybe they found me?...at any rate, they are the gift i have always wanted and will never know how to repay or say thanks enough for. and that is the lesson of february.

peace out

ps--just wanted to clarify...my father's brother, along with his daughter, were hocking my grandmother's things...his brother wasn't hocking my grandmother's things along with his daughter...that sentence was a little clumsy, eh? the parentheses fucked it all up...but it was clear in my head, i just wanted to say...