stuff

i had some anxiety last night. i don't know why it gets so bad...maybe read the previous post for some understanding...maybe i'll go back and read it so i'm not always figuring out the same shit over and over ("oh yeah! i knew that!!!"). it was hard to fall asleep, but i have to say, my spouse was pretty sweet about the whole deal, so it wasn't tooooooo bad.

everything is just in this weird state of flux....continuous change...and while i realize things are supposed to be in a state of flux, i was under the impression that hit was a more mellow pace...a little more gradual. but lately? not so much. and i'm tired trying to keep up with it. trying to keep on top of it. or at least alongside it. and while surrender comes to mind, i can't completely surrender. i must pay bills. i must buy groceries to have food in the house. i must cook meals if we are to eat...or at least plan them. i must get up each morning or else...i don't know...maybe we'll just skip a day this week and not get up. oh wait, i did that last sunday when i slept til noon (hey, the baby slept in with me til noon, too...lol).

there are just so many things out there that are kind of crappy right now...and i wish those things would get on the super flux wagon, you know? my sil's still are on the outs with each other...i wish that healing would go faster. same thing with a friend of mine and her sister...i wish her sister would get on the super flux wagon with a change of attitude and heart and all that good stuff. my friend jeanni's in the hospital with her third round of biochemo...now THERE'S something that could use some positive super flux. my friend marcy's brother died last friday...i hope there's some super flux in healing for that family...i can't imagine that pain. even my cyber tribe is having some super flux...and i wish that would settle, even though that is just one thing i could've skipped fluxing, to be honest. but everything changes....i know this. my spouse's paycheck...oh please, come on super flux!!! i am tired of stressing over money. i know we made this choice. and we're doing what we need to do, but sheesh, it's so tiring to always have money in the back of your mind. my brother's ex-girlfriend is preggo with his baby...now, i have no idea how things need to flux, but they need to.

i am hoping to go camping weekend after next. i need to get out of my house for a few days.

oh, but let me share this super cool story first... when i go outside at night, to relax and reflect and pray on the day, i always have it in back of my mind that a shooting star would be a really cool way to know god's listening...or here...or whatever. i mean, if i were god, i'd probably be shooting stars all over the place to let people know i was hearing them...but that's probably one of the million reasons i'm not god. anyway...i was outside two nights ago. my husband and oldest son had a big fight that night over the stupidest thing...well, not exactly the stupidest, but pretty dumb stuff. men just need to learn how to express themselves, but that's a whole different post. things had settled, they had reached a place of some peace, everyone felt good (if not a little raw after it all). i went outside and thought i saw an airplane in the sky between two trees. i remember i even contemplated that maybe it was a ufo...because i had seen a light and then the light was gone. kind of weird. up until the light reappeared in a different place in my yard...it was a firefly! i love fireflies and anytime i see one, i feel like i'm seeing a dinosaur or something, because where there used to be tons of them in my backyard as a child, i can't think of a time i saw two in one spot in a long time. so anyway, i'm watching this firefly. he comes a little closer. flies around me. finally gets a big smile out of me because the little thing just keeps lighting up right around me. then it lands on me, and i almost start bawling. it was awesome. like god reached a hand out and touched my arm. very comforting.

does that heal jeanni's cancer? does it heal the pain between sisters i love a lot? does it bring peace to the cybertribe? fix our money problems? give my brother some more i.q. points so he can handle this situation he's in? nope. but it helps me relax and get through the next day...and maybe the next. see, i'm kind of finished with the notion that peace will come. i believe peace is already here. we just have to work through our shit so we can feel what's already there. so...i better get to work...

peace