decisions, decisions

i have been trying to decide if i was going to get on my blog today and bitch for awhile, or wax nostalgic about laundry, or write about something like books or whatever, or maybe just try to solve some problem of the world. but yeah, i'm gonna bitch...let me set it up first.

we've been cleaning around here. decluttering and reorganizing are our buzz words. made it through the huge bookshelf in the living room and the little boys' room. three categories for everything...trash can, donate, keep it. we have been making some good progress...the garage is full of stuff we're getting rid of. seriously, it's like a fabulous garage sale that's even more fabulous because it is all free to anyone who wants to come go through it and pick stuff out.

anyway... i was working a little with the big boys in their room today. actually, my preteen was not working in there because he just didn't feel like it, but i am not going to talk about his challenging puberty riddled ass right now, 'k? i was really proud of my teen, because he decided to throw away his f-bomb today. now, he has this f-bomb that his godmother sent him (yes, i know how to pick them, don't i?) when he dropped his first f-bomb two summers ago. and he said today that he was going to get rid of it because he doesn't use it anyway. and there was something very mature and cool about hearing him say that. and then i uttered an f-bomb in his presence and he told me to settle down and i thought i was going to throttle him so i left the room to collect myself.

ok, that didn't all happen right after he told me he didn't need the f-bomb anymore. what happened was, i forgot they had rock climbing practice tonight. they've been up at the gym volunteering anywhere between six and twelve hours a day this week. but they had today off. for robotics. but then robotics was cancelled. and hallelujah, we had some time at home for a change. and i also had book club tonight. and i was going to go to book club and leave the kids at home because tonight happens to be my spouse's late night at work. you know, the spouse who had to take an avocado salad to work today? i haven't mentioned that? well, let me tell you about it...he had to make an avocado salad for work. and when he made it last night, he trashed the whole. damned. kitchen in the process. i mean seriously, how do you get it that messy making one freaking salad? and who the hell did he think was going to clean that mess up as he sat his ass at my computer? well, obviously he KNEW who was cleaning that shit up, because i did a great job of it. and then he had THE NERVE to go to work and leave the damned salad in the fridge. so guess who had to take the salad to him? yes, the same fool who cleaned the kitchen. so i took the teen to the church to practice with the musicians (see how i do that? say i don't have anything to do because there's really only one thing i have to do...but then it turns into a little more...) and when i picked teen up, i called spouse to say i was on the way (i swear, this is what he asked me to do when he called to tell me he forgot the salad...as if i didn't already notice that the minute i opened the fridge this morning) to drop off the salad, and he didn't answer. so i called again. and a doctor who was not my spouse called to tell me that my spouse (and apparently everyone else in their whole department) was delivering a baby and couldn't leave right then, so could i bring it up? only, i'm in the parking lot with teen and the baby driving around. and so i have teen run it up to them so they can have their stupid salad and their world won't crash. (how much you wanna bet they won't all be delivering a baby when it's time to eat that salad? i mean, i don't want to sound totally bitter, but this is just how the universe seems to work out these days...score a couple points for the doctors and zero for marci)

anyway, so after all that, i decided that hells yeah i was going to book club. i'm talking to my bigs about their room...teen's talking about what he'd like to do, preteen is being frustrating...and somewhere in there, i remember they have rock climbing practice tonight. so "oh shit" comes out of my mouth. and right after that, i realize this means i don't have bigs home tonight during book club. that it's me and the three littles til an hour, maybe an hour and a half after book club starts when spouse gets home. and this just takes all the wind out of my sails. and apparently, the wind coming out of my sails sounds like "fuuuuuck" said kind of lowly. but not so low that the teen couldn't hear it. and then he said "hey, settle down" and i left the room because i had tears in my eyes and was going to pound him.

it wasn't that i was mad at him at that moment...that wasn't why i wanted to throttle him. it didn't hurt my feelings that he drew attention to the fact that i was using language in front of them that i don't normally use, that i shouldn't use. i was just so totally pissed. and i don't know that it was all even that big of a deal. but i was still just so pissed. my therapist says it's because i don't have much reserve left. that i had reserve going into this journey with medicine. but that i've used it up. and i think maybe she's right. or at least it feels like she's right...but maybe it just makes me feel better about being an asshole. i mean, i don't necessarily feel good about being an asshole, but i feel better to think there is a reason why. the crap part is that i don't know how to build up my reserves again. i mean, i try to build them up. but then shit like this happens and it just defeats me. it's not even that book club is the shit for me. i never even read the books anymore. but i feel so damned trapped sometimes by this stupid life of mine. i mean, the kids i feel aren't ready to be alone in the evening...they aren't stupid. and the baby i'd rather not take to book club, but would've...she's not stupid. and the bigs who are climbing tonight...they're not stupid....maybe a little selfish...but maybe not...and definitely not stupid. the spouse who's working and saving lives and shit...he's definitely not stupid....he's definitely a whole slew of other stuff, but it's not stupid. so i don't know why i call it a stupid life. probably because i'm frustrated and everything seems kind of stupid right now. but just between you and me, saying fuck in front of my kids feels really, really stupid.

peace