roll call of sorts

so sometimes it feels weird to post about the emotions of a weekend and find them so completely untied in to what was actually going on that weekend...what my family did...the fact that we had a lot of fun together...stuff like that.

so i thought i'd post a little about what we did this weekend.

friday my parents came to visit. we were at the park when they got to our town. we'd just finished planning next semester for the co-op we participate in...very exciting stuff. then we picked up lunch and came home to meet my dad and step mom. it was very nice, very cool hanging out with them, watching them watch their grandchildren...you know, just normal old sharing space stuff. then they left to visit my grandparents, who have alzheimer's and dementia a few more hours up the road.

then my friend julie came to stay the weekend. she bought us all tickets to the renaissance festival for my children's birthdays. it was an awesome gift. we left saturday morning, after my dh finished rounding on his patients. we met my sister and her partner, who we were meeting for the first time. it was a lot of fun. we got to see the birds of prey show (a MUST SEE every time we've ever been), the other brothers (a comedy/juggling act that my spouse, i'm pretty sure, wants to be when he grows up), and the joust. my sister and her partner took the bigs to the ded bob show, too... then we threw chinese stars, axes, knives, catapulted frogs, rode in giant swings...it was great fun. the weather was absolutely beautiful and the company was the best. it had just been so long since we'd had time together, as a family and with a group of friends, doing something so completely leisurely...it was healing.

and then yesterday, as often happens when julie visits, she convinced me i can cook anything...so cabbage rolls were on the menu last night, and a cabbage casserole (to use up the rest of the head of cabbage) and a pumpkin pie. my bil, sil, and nephew came to visit, which always makes me very happy, and we all had a good time talking, laughing, playing with baby s, my two year old nephew.

yesterday was also remarkable because each of my guys got time alone, which is pretty rare. my oldest biked to his robotics team meeting and back. my second born had his robotics meeting. my third born went fishing with dad. and my youngest went to the grocery store with mama (he chose this, i swear...it wasn't a dead end field trip). julie stayed home and read twilight, which i believe i have gotten her addicted to.

so while i was having my kfkd delusions and feeling like an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, there were really quite a few great things going on around me that i was also able to participate in and enjoy. i am grateful for the time with loved ones this weekend. ken always reminds me there are chains of gold and chains of iron. the real kicker is that i'm starting to realize we get to choose our chains...letting go of some of them is kind of hard. yep...

here's the song i woke up to playing in my head...don't think it was kfkd playing this morning...must've bumped the dial... :)


uhm, yeah, this video was taken at a barnes and nobles in minneapolis...wow...
peace

pity party, sort of

anne lamott refers to herself in an essay as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. this is a phrase that, for whatever reason, has stuck with me since the moment i read it. anne lamott also calls the negative voices that play over and over in her head, some times more loudly than others, kfkd radio, which stands for k-fucked radio. this also rang a bell for me. my friend denise says i also picked up the phrase mindfucked from annie, which may or may not be true...i've been an anne lamott junky for over five years now...but it does make me want to go back and read and see if annie agrees with me or spell check on whether mindfucked is one word. (although i suppose if i read it in her book, i'd be spelling it the way i read it, huh?...which may support denise's theory...hrm...)

so this is kind of how i felt yesterday. and believe me, i usually have much sympathy for those who must suffer me at these times. but something was different yesterday. as i've learned to observe my emotions and not become them, i've also found that sometimes i must suffer through my own bad mood as well. not just inflict it, because it is not always my choice. i did use to feel like i was somehow putting these folks through my mood, forcing them to endure my negative presence or something. but now that i am not, in fact, my mood, sometimes i suffer a bad mood. and it allows me to be glad as hell when it's over, instead of embarrassed or sorry or ashamed or looking for forgiveness or whatever bullshit i was, in fact, inflicting upon myself, albeit unawares.

this does not, however, turn off kfkd radio. it still plays. but it kind of makes me laugh a little. i mean, kfkd is crazy negative. for me, kfkd says everything that happens is bad because i am bad. in the "right" mood...i can believe i stub my toe because i suck and therefore deserved it. like somehow the magnetic fields of the earth are picking up on how much i suck...like sucking is a metal maybe? i'll stop there. anyway...instead of making me want to cry or want to drive my car off a bridge, it kind of made me laugh today, because it really was a bit over the top...i mean really, where do i come up with this stuff? and did i always used to buy into it? believe it? why didn't it ever strike me as kind of nutty before? i dunno....

i don't know what these things mean or where exactly they lead to. but it was fun to not be the donkey at the party, with everyone out to impale me with something...well, i kind of felt like i still was the donkey a little, but this time i had a faded party hat on and a glass of watered down punch.
peace

it's all about math

so i was talking to my co-coach yesterday...about hsing, whatnot. i told her how much i loved math...particularly algebra. you can jump in the problem almost anywhere you want, work it forward, work it backward, work it sideways...as long as you don't break any rules, it'll work out. and then bonus, you can always substitute your answer back into the equation to make sure you got it right. i mean truly, this is healing stuff...settling stuff...the kind of thing you grab onto when your childhood is bouncing all around, ricocheting off of young parents, dating parents, parents who are still trying to figure out their place in the world and forget, sometimes, to check on the little person along for the ride. i loved math...way down deep in my toes.

i didn't say all of that to my co-coach. no way. but i'm sure she could tell i was not making it up in the least when i said i loved math. she likes math, too. she also likes sarah palin, so it's not like we're ideological twins or anything...i mean, she loves sarah palin. but i digress...

she said not many mamas that she knows like math, much less love it. and so we went on talking....

we talked about trampy family members. i know this sounds weird, but i do have some sort of trampy cousins and she, apparently, did too. it's funny though, because i was talking about inviting my cousins to thanksgiving and she was talking about distancing herself from hers. now, in all fairness, she was talking about high school and i'm talking about this month. so there's that.

but what struck me was how absolute her judgment was of some of the things we discussed...some of the issues that came up. we talked about abortion, for some reason. she shared some of her thoughts about it...i shared a few stories that my spouse has had come up in the hospital...instances where the life of the mother was at risk if they didn't induce labor for a fetus everyone knew was too young to survive. i didn't mean to be challenging, but it is a pattern in my behavior that i've long noticed...my storytelling shifts to cover the other side of the issue...

i've always been like that. tell me about a population of people that take advantage of governmental support, and i'll tell you about someone i know who's risen above. tell me how women who have a child with governmental support should be sterilized to prevent them from doing it again, and i'll tell you how my first son was born on medicaid. tell me how people who work hard for their money should be able to keep it and not give it to those who don't work hard and i'll tell you that i've earned lots and i've earned little, and i'll gladly pay my taxes to help someone who was in my situation. i'll even tell you that someone who loved us said we could use their taxes to have that first son so all the other folks who think i was stealing from them don't have to worry...

i know there are trends. i know there are stereotypes. i know there are even statistics that can prove some trends or stereotypes may be, well, statistically sound. but i also know that which way those generalities lean has a lot to do with the perspective of the person looking at them. and that there will always be things that we miss. always.

so...going back to math...it really is all about math. because numbers in algebra are pretty absolute. people, however, are not. and while i found solace in the stability of math from the unpredictability of people, i've had to learn to be comfortable in the world of peeps because, well, numbers aren't so conversational or supportive or even humorous on a tough day, i guess. and so when people call me liberal or bleeding heart or sensitive or aware or enlightened...it's really just that i hate feeling like i have the one absolute right answer and finding out i don't. math did this to me.

because i have had people make assumptions about me that just weren't true...apply generalities to me that just didn't fit. and while it didn't end my life, it did hurt my feelings. and i'm just not into hurting people. but it also hurts me to assume i know something about someone that i don't. it takes away from my depth as a person and my opportunity to see myself reflected in someone else...often someone i don't think i share anything in common with, or even don't want to believe i could share anything in common with. no, i obviously don't always get that right or pull that off in a way that i'm proud of. i often fall short. but it's a goal i have embraced and the learning in trying to achieve it is huge...learning about the world around me, the people i share it with, and myself, too.
peace

it's still like a dream, almost

there are so many things i think i want to say...but then i type them and erase them because they, in fact, are not what i want to say. or they don't necessarily embody what i'm trying to say.

i will say that i grew up with parents who were pretty racist. i don't know that they ever would've been moved to physical violence by their ideals, but there were many things i heard as a child that i just knew weren't right...were cruel and were false. it made me feel sorry for my parents, yes...but it also made me watch people of color. since we had none as friends, i watched as often as i could.

i still hear my parents say things that make me cringe. although now that i'm older and own my own car, they are much more careful in what they say. i received so many emailed forwards from my mother this election about obama. none of them true, all of them pretty exaggerated, all of them focusing on his "otherness". and it made me uncomfortable. because i knew my mother would talk about taxes, but i felt pretty sure, as her daughter, that her motivation was a little deeper and a little older than that. and it challenged me in a lot of ways.

we all have a tendency to view those we share with...either traits, activities, ideals, location, whatever...as same, and those we don't share with as other. when i watched obama's acceptance speech, and mccain's speech, too, for that matter, i was struck by the message of unity and same-ness in each of them. it is so damned easy sometimes to just chalk some one up to being on the "other" team and avoiding them or hardening off to them, forgetting them. but we've made our bed as a nation, and now it's time to lie in it...all of us together.

i saw this in a clip on a friend's blog this morning. it was beautiful. this poem was part of the clip and i thought i'd put it here, too. it is such a beautiful, beautiful poem... again, i'm typing and erasing...haha

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

we all rise...
peace

history

i've said this word to my sons quite a bit the last twenty-four hours or so. i keep telling them that history seems like something that happened a long time ago. that we don't always realize history is being made. and they've been around for some history making events, but they were too young to remember it. this election they will remember. and i think it's given each of them pause for their own reasons and to process their own young perspectives.

it has been so long since i've felt buy in with so much of our government. i often talk to other parents about trying to get buy in from their kids on the policies of the family. it's so much easier when kids believe in or understand why they're being asked to do certain things. and it's the same with government. but i'm a good citizen...i don't have to totally buy into it to respect and follow things. but i feel differently now. watching the race be so close in so many states, you could really tell how each vote mattered. and seeing how great the electoral college margin was compared to the popular vote margin...kind of gave a little universal balance to the gore/bush election in 2000. it just seemed to be a healing event in so many ways and for so many folks.

it will be interesting to see how the next four years go. i feel excited about it. excited to see a segment of our country participate in an election for the first time. excited to see how that affects the progress of our nation in general. in a lot of ways, after the last eight years, there's really not that much further down to go, not that much more apathy to be felt. but last night, i felt like we were soaring... we went to bed praying for the health of our grandfather and for the health and safety of our president elect.

disjointed, yes. heartfelt, yeah, that too.
peace

keeping it light

okay, a little potty humor from today...

my youngest went potty at the rock climbing gym today. we're, what?, four days out from halloween? he'd told me he thought he had to pee and poop, which means "come check on me in a minute because i'll probably need help wiping". so i gave him some time, went in, and while i was wiping him, i noticed the little round poo balls in the bottom of the toilet. so i ask him, "was it hard to get this poo out?" and he says yes. so i go on to tell him it's because he's eating too much candy and a lot of sugar will make him constipated, which means it is very hard to get the poo out. and he replies, "yeah! and i almost had to explode my head when i was pushing it out, too!"

yes, these moments sustain me in some strange way...freaking hilarious.

and i think it's really cool that my fourteen year old has not walked away from the television and election coverage tonight. i think i owe part of this to his founding documents class he's taking in co-op, along with his teacher who i happen to know he really, really likes. but the rest i think really just has to do with an awakening awareness of the world we live in. he mentioned tonight how excited he is to be able to vote in the next election. (which almost made me throw up in my mouth, but i donwannatalkboutthat) i am surprised by how emotional i feel about this election. the realization of an america where an african american man can run for president chokes me up.

alright...was that light? i don't even know. i am soooo morbidly intense right now...i can barely stand myself.

oh, and some thoughts for my spouse's father. he had a heart attack in february, remember? he's re-clogged what they opened already, so surgery is in his future. no one is happy about this. he's a really good man, even if he did instill this overkill work ethic in his sons...so he is on my mind and in my heart.

and this is really small, but my youngest is getting a cold, it sounds like. and since we haven't been sick in so long (which i am grateful for, i promise), it almost makes me cry to hear his hoarse little voice and see his tired little eyes. yes, everything almost makes me cry, but i wanted to mention this one specifically.

peace out

ps--came back to add...so we're still watching election night coverage...and it is cracking me up that my youngest has started referring to the blue states as the rebels and the red states as the empire...think star wars...it's the color of the light sabers, i swear...i don't talk politics with my five year old...anyway...it is, again, one of those things that sustains me.

preparing

it's just one of those times. i didn't realize it until i went to therapy today and actually had a chance to talk about it for awhile. according to the-rapist, i am working through the grief of my kids not being babies (although she assures me that older children is a delightful time of parenting, too, and i really, really like where my kids are right now), i'm working through shifting relationships with my mama friends and community of support, i'm working through the continued stress of a spouse in medicine...stress on time, stress on relationships, stress on money, and then there's the stress of our parents getting older...which applies more to my spouse's family than my own.

oh, there may have been more stuff, i don't remember anymore... but it actually felt good in the end to cry a little and just pour it out. it wasn't very coherent. it wasn't all put together or connected or whatever...none of it was particularly relevant to anything else other than these are all things that are important to me, people who are important to me, relationships that are important to me.

so what was her advice? well, i have to say, it really cracked us both up when she started telling me what i needed to do...then she stopped herself and said, "uh, no...that's way too directive. what i'd like to see from you is..." man, we had to stop for a few minutes before we could stop laughing over that. but she'd like to see me lighten up on myself. (that one's kind of hard...) she'd like to see me continue to learn to take care of myself. (i've been working on that one...trying to figure out exactly what it means) and she'd like to see me work on setting aside some time for communication with my spouse...or communication for all of our family would probably be good, too.

wish me luck. going into november is a hard time of year for me. dealing with the decreased sunshine hours while the world gets ready in a flurry of activity for christmas has been really rough the last five or six years. and christmas...with its incredible potential for spiritual opportunities and its nauseating pull toward over-consuming...well, it's just a rough balance to struggle finding with less sunlight than normal. but i will try to be aware of these things going into it and not let myself get sucked in...at least not without being aware of my consent to be sucked in, i suppose.

i'm also struggling with my eczema right now. sigh... but i am going to make an appointment with a nurse practitioner. i am, i am, i am. i just need a little support in that area. i can't afford the energy drain that comes with chronic pain...even if it's not major pain...it just wears me out after awhile.

ok...onward and upward. or i'll at least try for a few steps forward... :)

real quick...i know i've posted a video of this song before. it's the indigo girls singing the wood song...but it brings me peace, so i'm posting it again. maybe this is a different show.

peace