question authority

i have a tshirt that says that..."question authority". my spouse doesn't really like it. or at least all he's said about it is to express some concern that a parent in our house wears a shirt in front of the kids that says that. i don't know why he's bothered by it. they questioned me long before i bought the tshirt, but anyway... (maybe he sees himself as the authority in our house and doesn't want me to encourage them questioning him? i dunno...)

anyway...today i got stopped by a police officer. i didn't get a ticket, but i did get a lecture. he was driving down a rather busy street in our town that i was approaching on a side street. and yes, i was approaching pretty quickly...a screaming baby in her car seat and being five minutes late to a guitar lesson can make your foot a little heavier. plus, it's a crappy side street, full of pot holes, and i can miss every single pot hole going exactly forty-five miles an hour...plus miss any cars that happen to be on that street, which is very few since it IS such a crappy street (that i must admit, i do not know the speed limit of). anyway...i stopped at the stop sign, noticed the crappy look the officer gave me, then pulled out behind him, where there were no other cars. i noticed him stopping in his lane (the right one) when i passed him (in the left). when he got behind me, i pretty much knew he was going to pull me over. at the light, i started wondering how i would see his lights since he was on a motorcycle and i didn't see where his lights would light up. but as soon as the light turned green, it didn't take long for the universe to answer that question for me. (rolling my eyes WAY BACK in my head...) so i pulled over, with him behind me...did i mention the fifteen year old was right next to me in the passenger seat? the officer came up and asked me for my license and registration, all official-like. so i got it out and gave it to him (OF COURSE wondering whether or not my license was current...and i knew it was, but cops just make me feel guilty even when i'm not). he told me that i shouldn't drive so fast down that street, asked me why i would endanger my passengers by doing so (which just ruffled my mama feathers, i mean seriously, what does he know about what i do to keep my passengers out of danger?). he then explained that i stopped passed the stop sign and how that is called "failure to stop" (which i felt was BULLSHIT but kept my mouth shut...the street's busy...people drive fast down that stretch and you have to pull out enough to see if they're coming but not too far where you might get hit...) and then proceeded to explain how i turned right into the left lane and how that is called a "wide right turn" which i guess, since he pointed it out, should be avoided? but i honestly don't remember that in driver's ed, which i admit was awhile back, but since there was NO ONE ELSE ON THE ROAD i just don't see why it was relevant. so then he let me go.

now, i was pretty ticked at this guy. i mean seriously, aren't there CRIMINALS or something he could spend his time pursuing? i was going fast, sure. but he doesn't know how fast...he was driving (on a MOTORCYCLE if we want to consider danger), not clocking my speed. and those other things he took the time to mention...seriously? i mean, seriously? maybe it ticked me off because he sounded like my husband listing shit that doesn't matter but proving that he, too, can come up with a list. maybe it was just that i KNEW he was not going to give me a ticket because really, there was nothing he could ticket. maybe it was just his manner during the whole thing. i was also ticked because my fifteen year old was watching the whole thing and i just knew i wouldn't be able to handle it, afterward, with the grace i wanted to be able to handle it with. i mean, my baby was crying the whole time the guy was lecturing me. and he made us late to boot.

sigh. i will talk to my teen tomorrow. i will explain that i will slow down on that stretch of crappy road. i will explain that while i drive that road multiple times a week (sometimes multiple times a day), that the officer was right in telling me to slow down (but i admit i will also probably tell him the rest of the stuff was fluff). i will also mention to my teen that perhaps if he'd get ready when i tell him to, we won't run five minutes late. but then i guess it's better he tell his guitar teacher we ran late because he wouldn't get his crap together rather than because his mom got pulled over.

and life goes on...
peace

possibility

when i blog in my head, i try to come up with a title that will help me remember what i was thinking about...one word to capture a thread of what i'm working on as i drive or fall asleep or rock and nurse a baby. a few days ago, i named a thread perspective. but i can't for the life of me remember what it was about. well, obviously it was about perspective, but i couldn't remember how that was relevant to whatever it was i was thinking about. oh well.

so today, i typed a line about how having a teenager and a baby in the house made the air crackle with possibility. and i really liked that...something deep inside me raised its fist and went "right on!" so i felt i was on to something. on the way to mass, i thought more about it. about the possibilities of my youngest as she grows and develops...and i mean from the ground up, you know. those darned hands...they're difficult. she keeps bopping herself on the head and i'm pretty sure that's not what she was trying to do. but she doesn't dwell in frustration...she keeps on going. i think we'll have a party when she gets control of those little hands. and her eyes...oh man...the other day she had the hiccups and every time she'd hiccup, her eyes would cross. and it would take her a few minutes to uncross them. but then she'd hiccup and they'd cross again. it was a little diaphragm/ocular muscle workout for about fifteen minutes. i admit it, i laughed. and it's awesome watching her develop and grow...all those possibilities for her. it squeezes my heart.

and then there's her biggest brother with all of his own possibilities. a brother-in-law who's a high school counselor talked to me about testing, scholarship, and college admission requirements over the holiday. (and btw, it's kind of really uncool to talk to a new mom about this stuff so soon after birth...just if you were wondering...makes her feel THAT MUCH MORE overwhelmed than she already did and also makes her kind of hate you...just sayin') but my teen has so many possibilities ahead of him. and i don't just mean educationally or academically or career choosing/developing/shaping. his first girlfriend broke up with him yesterday. oh my...for a nonviolent woman, i really did want to punch her face in just the tiniest bit. and watching him deal with that...that squeezed lots of stuff, too. and i'll admit it, i cried...after everyone went to bed that night...a little because i hurt for him and a little for me just because it felt overwhelming.

there is so much emphasis on raising babies. and the teen years so often just get generalized as difficult or rebellious or whatever. but it is amazing watching a young one cross that long winding bridge to self responsibility and accountability. (like the way i made it sound like there's an end to that bridge? well, if there is, i haven't found it yet) it's just neat to go from walking in front of your child, holding their hands, supporting them, clearing the path of any dangers, showing them where to go, providing them good nutrition, good opportunities, experiences to walking alongside them...sometimes even letting them lead. hell, sometimes needing them to lead. and this is what i've found parenting to be about...for all five of them. and so i have six wonderful folks i get to do walk with daily...because yes, my pharmacist/doctor/breadwinner husband walks right alongside us. and that is just so much possibility in one house...

when i taught philosophy, i read this poem with the students by emily dickinson called "i dwell in possibility"...

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

the kids were brilliant about it. i remember one student that brought tears to my eyes as he talked about his blank page being possibility...nothing but everything at the same time. and i think this is where i dwell...or what dwells in me...either way.

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

short road trip

the kids and i are heading out on a short road trip to my hometown for my grandmother's funeral tomorrow. we'll do robotics today (since we all missed it last week) and then we'll head out. i'm kind of looking forward to seeing so much family and i'm grateful my spouse is ironing all the funeral clothes. my teen is stressing over a research paper rough draft he has due tuesday, and it's stressing me out a little, too. but i guess it'd be unreasonable to think we'd be stress free, what with life happening and all...so it's all good.

peace

ps--and i did buy the indigo girls tickets (thanks, mama jess!)...dh said he'd like to go see them (i forgot i went without him the last time...) so we splurged...cd comes out tuesday. yep, it's all good.

shifting

i don't know where i got the idea that life was supposed to be stable...flat, smooth, whatever. but i have long pursued that goal. and now i understand that the reason i haven't achieved it isn't because of some defect of my character, laziness of my person...i haven't achieved it because it is unreal. life doesn't work that way. it's not always these huge shifts, like what split our continents...but it is not stagnate.

there is a shift going on in my household that has gotten my attention. my teenager is ready to do things on his own...to be a little more independent. when we went to dinner monday to celebrate chinese new year, he went to climb with the rock climbing team. and this was kind of depressing to me...depressing in a way that made me want to stamp my foot and say "no! you're coming with US...we like you better than those rock climbing fools" (and i should say here that i like the rock climbing fools just fine...they are not fools at all, but when one is tantruming, one's integrity tends to get drowned out by the screaming two year old). instead, i let him go and i pouted...i brooded...i let myself be pretty disgruntled by the whole thing for the whole ride home and a few minutes after getting there. then my bil and nephew got to my house, and we were all cracking up together, waiting for my spouse to get home so we could go surprise the hell out of some chinese restaurant in our small town with the knowledge that there are, in fact, chinese folks living around here...

at dinner, as i looked at my three other sons and my nephew, my bil and my spouse and i, all sitting at this table, eating way oversalted chinese food, laughing and talking, i felt the absence of my oldest. and i saw a future with more of his absences...and even the eventual absence of the other little traitors, er, i mean kids at the table. it made me tear up some.

i know them growing up is part of the goal...it has to be. i don't want them to be dependent on me for every meal, every dime, every car ride or homework reminder, for the rest of their lives. i know they are good people already. and they look forward to each new opportunity, each new experience. my oldest is really getting independent. and i've seen more of the good man he's becoming as he's travelled out on his own than i ever had the chance to witness when i held him under my wing. but it makes me appreciate these times of transitioning all the more.

when my youngest was growing passed toddlerhood, i remember wondering if this would be the last time i nursed him, the last diaper i'd change, the last time i'd cut his food into tiny little chunks. but now i wonder if this is the last time my oldest will let me grab him in a cradle hold on my lap, laugh at my dumb jokes, talk to me about girls. i doubt so, but i've never done this before...it's all new terrain for me.

it also occurs to me how my job as his mom has changed. how it's not for me to remove him from situations that may be difficult...how he's chosen a challenging path because he WANTS the challenges...me suggesting he avoid them at times only undermines his sense of what he's capable of handling...geez, what a crazy balance.

i just got in touch with a friend i used to spend a lot of time with after i went back to school in 1999. i'd met him at camp and i thought the world of him. he had an energy to him such that just being in his presence made me feel better. after he found me on facebook, i noticed he had some AA stuff in his bio. so this morning, he sent me the story of the last few years. he doesn't remember much of our time hanging out, other than he feels so grateful to have found me, see my family, be back in touch. he was drinking heavily, which i knew, smoking out a lot, which i figured, and also branching into other things, which i had no idea of, at that time. i always knew he had the ability to turn his life into what he has now. the part of him that's turned things around and been grown during those difficult years for him, was always there...it just needed the chance to come forward, which meant all the bullshit had to burn itself out. and that took time...it always does. but as i chatted with my friend, i thought, how would i feel if my teenager brought home someone like this man when i first met him? would i be okay with it? would i allow him the chance to experience the full gambit of life that i've had the opportunity to experience with him? or would i become afraid and try to get him to end his friendship? i don't know. but it is something i will definitely be thinking about for the next decade or longer, i suppose.

yesterday, i was telling some friends about this feeling of being overwhelmed...of vacillating back and forth between "i got it" and "i am in way over my head." a friend said i sounded like i was swinging on a vine, trying to get bananas. something about that image really struck me...that life is about swinging...i always think i will find that point of balance and stay there forever (you know, once i'm really good at it and stuff). but i don't think that's how it works. i think we swing back and forth, sometimes in big arcs, sometimes in smaller ones...but i think balance comes in recognizing it when we're there...not necessarily digging our fingernails in and trying to stay there...but knowing we'll return there again and again. i don't think there's any other way to look at life once i've admitted i am not in control of every aspect of it, nor can i be.

one of the things my friend said to me today...

personally, I had it all wrong, i am not on this earth for me but for me to be available to you, you being anyone i can be useful to

i hope my sons have the chance to know and love and learn from people like i have...
peace

crash

it has been awhile since i've seen this movie...and i really want to rent it again just so i can see it again (my memory gets a little holey)...but i've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days.


i often think of life as being circles. yeah, yeah, thanks to harry chapan somewhat, i suppose. but i can see the circles sometimes...when one completes and another starts. lately, my sense has been that life is crashing in on itself right now. i see so many circles overlapping...and i can only step back so far...my eyes are only attuned to those i know closely and share with. it's been overwhelming almost to watch all the connections between lives...the lines of dominoes, so to speak, sharing a path, breaking off on their own... the line in this trailer about people craving human contact and crashing into each other to get it...that's what i mean.

there is so much more i'd like to write about. but there is so much i need to get done before i could even feel good about sitting and blogging more. i hope to have time tonight, though...
peace

just this

it is funny how a day can change so much. how so many surprises, and truths you knew deep down, burdens and gifts, pain and release can come about...and it can all be one thing or many...yet all these labels can still apply at the same time.

here's the harry chapin song going through my head today...

peace

weekend edition--short version

so...no one puked at my house. i think the odds of being exposed by two different folks to two different puking viruses in the same house and NONE OF US getting the virus are slim. which makes me feel like we have immune systems of steel. and maybe that's not what it means, but it is how i feel, and that is what matters....

my nephews came and spent the night last night. seven young men/boys...ages 16 (almost 17), 15 (just turned...yesterday was his birthday), 14 (that one's mine), 13, 10 (almost 11...mine also), 9, and 5...it was a blast. it really, really was. i am so glad we did it and we all had such a good time...almost burned the house down with my less than brilliant candle placement on my nephew's cake, but otherwise...all great.

i do notice, as i keep going forward with this life, how some things change...many things change. but many don't. but i can always change how i react to things. if i choose to. and i imagine that as i change how i act in those types of situations, it will change my whole perception of them. i don't know. i just have to slow down a little...pay attention somewhat...relax the rest of the somewhat. something like that.

lately, i have this feeling like there's more to say, but then i just can't frame any of it in words. there are many things and many people i pray for right now...but most of them involve situations i am fairly certain i do not know the right course in. i am fairly certain i cannot even sit and lay out five distinct courses for any one situation, which tells me i am limited in conceiving a solution. so, all i can do is offer my sincerest wishes for peace in and for all of them. and that's where i'll end this...
peace

some wisdom

call me erratic, but after the last post, i remembered something i read today that i also wanted to post. i'm reading eragon, much to my fourteen year old's delight. i try to read most of the books that are really important to him, and he's been asking me to read this series for years.

this is a passage early on in the book, some words eragon's uncle says to eragon and his cousin, and words i'll probably put on my children's bathroom mirror...

"I have words for both of you. It's time I said them, as you are entering the world. Heed them and they will serve you well." He bent his gaze sternly on them. "First, let no one rule your mind or body. Take special care that your thoughts remain unfettered. One may be a free man and yet be bound tighter than a slave. Give men your ear, but not your heart. Show respect for those in power, but don't follow them blindly. Judge with logic and reason, but comment not.

"Consider none your superior, whatever their rank or station in life. Treat all fairly or they will seek revenge. Be careful with your money. Hold fast to your beliefs and others will listen." He continued at a slower pace, "Of the affairs of love...my only advice is to be honest. That's your most powerful tool to unlock a heart or gain forgiveness. That is all I have to say."

and then there was this part in the book where they're talking about an ancient language that names what a thing truly is and gives you power over it.

Eragon considered that. "What do personal names mean in this language? Do they give power over people?"

Brom's eyes brightened with approval. "Yes, they do. Those who speak the language have two names. Their first is for everyday use and has little authority. But the second is their true name and is shared with only a few trusted people. There was a time when no one concealed his true name, but this age isn't as kind. Whoever knows your true name gains enormous power over you. It's like putting your life into another person's hands. Everyone has a hidden name, but few know what it is."

..."I'd like to know mine, " Eragon said wistfully.

Brom's brow darkened. "Be careful. It can be a terrible knowledge. To know who you are without any delusions or sympathy is a moment of revelation that no one experiences unscathed. Some have been driven to madness by that stark reality. Most try to forget it. But as much as the name will give others power, so you may gain power over yourself, if the truth doesn't break you."

yeah. so i guess i'll be finished pouting. return to center...or a little closer to center anyway. i can feel when i'm walking the perimeter...or the surface. i actually visualize marshmallow goo when i'm there. but i don't hate that part of me anymore. at least i haven't lately. it's tiring though...like hanging out with a grumpy two year old...or a couple of grumpy two year olds, maybe.

but we are all heading inward. however we push or proceed...head first...side paths...muscle...heart...gentle...blunt...heavy or fluffy, i suppose...usually a mixture of all of these and more. i can be patient again.

but i'm still pouring myself a glass of wine.
peace

gotta run

well, i run on sunday, but i'll be leaving tomorrow morning and not back til afterward. i'm a little nervous, kind of tired already, but since i've done this before, i guess i feel a little more confident. i admit i'm looking forward to the training time to work on some other areas in life that i fear may be getting a little "flabby"...but it's all a marathon, right?

peace

preparing

it's just one of those times. i didn't realize it until i went to therapy today and actually had a chance to talk about it for awhile. according to the-rapist, i am working through the grief of my kids not being babies (although she assures me that older children is a delightful time of parenting, too, and i really, really like where my kids are right now), i'm working through shifting relationships with my mama friends and community of support, i'm working through the continued stress of a spouse in medicine...stress on time, stress on relationships, stress on money, and then there's the stress of our parents getting older...which applies more to my spouse's family than my own.

oh, there may have been more stuff, i don't remember anymore... but it actually felt good in the end to cry a little and just pour it out. it wasn't very coherent. it wasn't all put together or connected or whatever...none of it was particularly relevant to anything else other than these are all things that are important to me, people who are important to me, relationships that are important to me.

so what was her advice? well, i have to say, it really cracked us both up when she started telling me what i needed to do...then she stopped herself and said, "uh, no...that's way too directive. what i'd like to see from you is..." man, we had to stop for a few minutes before we could stop laughing over that. but she'd like to see me lighten up on myself. (that one's kind of hard...) she'd like to see me continue to learn to take care of myself. (i've been working on that one...trying to figure out exactly what it means) and she'd like to see me work on setting aside some time for communication with my spouse...or communication for all of our family would probably be good, too.

wish me luck. going into november is a hard time of year for me. dealing with the decreased sunshine hours while the world gets ready in a flurry of activity for christmas has been really rough the last five or six years. and christmas...with its incredible potential for spiritual opportunities and its nauseating pull toward over-consuming...well, it's just a rough balance to struggle finding with less sunlight than normal. but i will try to be aware of these things going into it and not let myself get sucked in...at least not without being aware of my consent to be sucked in, i suppose.

i'm also struggling with my eczema right now. sigh... but i am going to make an appointment with a nurse practitioner. i am, i am, i am. i just need a little support in that area. i can't afford the energy drain that comes with chronic pain...even if it's not major pain...it just wears me out after awhile.

ok...onward and upward. or i'll at least try for a few steps forward... :)

real quick...i know i've posted a video of this song before. it's the indigo girls singing the wood song...but it brings me peace, so i'm posting it again. maybe this is a different show.

peace

sunscreen

the first time i heard this song, i loved it. it made me think of who i hoped to be when i got older... now when i hear it, i see a lot of the people i love in these words, and i think i see a little of me in there, too.



and, just in case your computer is moving as slowly as mine is, and, to be honest, since i don't really know the quality of the video i embedded (woo allison! how did your embedding experiment go? i'll have to check in a bit...), here's the text...

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


peace

puppy dog tails?

i have known that much of my life, my motivating emotions are often fear or guilt. and while i knew those weren't the emotions i wanted to be ruled by, it is often difficult to stop a habit that is almost as involuntary as breathing. i had made small changes in this area...but nothing i appreciated or even felt encouraged by.

i often wouldn't be aware of how fear and guilt had influenced me until after i had acted. so then i started to wonder if fear and guilt were truly a part of why i acted, or just a part of how i view my own behavior. kind of a like a dog chasing its tail...

but a lot of the realizations about my relationship with my mother growing up...or the awareness of the reality...looking at it through an adult's eyes instead of still looking at it through the eyes of the child who was there...has helped me to see ways i can truly change this habit of being ruled and weighed down by fear and guilt.

i am not angry at my mother. although i will speak up the next time she tells me how fluffy i am...but that won't be in anger...it will be in confidence in myself and an unwillingness to remain the two year old who still wants her approval, but doesn't think she deserves it. those words sound so silly in an adult's mouth...but they are so absolute in a child's heart and mind. my mother always took such responsibility for who i was...was always so proud of herself when i succeeded or so disgusted when i misbehaved and made her look stupid. it's been an uphill journey learning to feel for myself who i am. especially when people pleasing tends to benefit those around you...who often don't realize how toxic you are.

anyway...so i am coming out of that darkness a bit...some rays are coming in...maybe even a breeze sometimes. i was telling my spouse the other day how self-indulgent some of these thoughts feel. why do i have to think about something so much or so long before i see it more clearly or it settles into a pattern that makes life a little easier? but it's just the way i am. and while i've spent so much of my life trying to be someone different...whoever those i love wanted me to be...i'm finally learning to be me...which is who they wanted me to be all along. dog...tail...again... i knew life was all about circles...

peace

i'm flooded

i am so over-extended right now. there is just so much on my plate...and for some reason, when i have so, so much to do, i find myself not feeling like doing anything. i also seem to forget to do regular stuff that i usually do...like...pay bills, or brush my teeth, or eat. i've long wanted to cut my daily coffee habit and switch to green tea. well, i did it this week. because i forgot to make coffee on tuesday...carpe diem, right?

but so much of this stuff is great fun, wonderful, amazing stuff. i love my kids in co-op. that philosophy class is so awesome.... and last weekend...that was incredible. and this weekend i get to go to one of my dearest friend's commitment ceremony. again...i am really looking forward to this. but i am even fluttering my toes to try to tread water here... my brain is so on overload. there are so many things i am finding i need to and want to and it is the right time to work on with my kids hsing-wise. it's just crazy.

life has seasons, right? when is this monsoon season going to subside?...because christmas is just a couple of months away, you know?

peace

gently and cautiously

so, there's a lot going on lately. life, whatnot. my head's been a pretty busy place, too. and my calendar? i'm ignoring it tonight...

i do know that times like this i would usually go wildly searching for something, anything...to make sense of it all, anchor me, stop it from happening, make it go away, make it funny, to eat, to drink, to distract me, whatever. but i'm kind of just sitting here waiting...watching...what can i say? life seems to move at the same pace whether i'm freaking out about it or not...

there's a lot i want to say...a lot i want to discuss. but some of it is so personal. and not just my personal stuff. and while i rarely use names, i still feel better to work on things on my own for a little longer until i share them...because even though the work is mine, it's often in response to things going on in the lives of those i love. i'm pretty sure they wouldn't care if i wrote about it here, but, well, i like to stress over useless stuff...snort...so let a girl have her fun.
peace

checking in

i checked in with my spouse today. because it felt good to do it. because we finally had some free time with no painting or sleeping or tolerating each other... (yeah, we've done a fair amount of that lately...and when you're focused so much on tolerance, conversation can be, well, strained...)

i really do like him for the most part. he is funny. and smart. and thoughtful. and kind. generous. gentle. i'm sure it's just how stressed our time is lately that makes these things seem not so obvious...or important at times.

we talked about schedules. the fact that oldest isn't sure he believes in god, but is kind of wanting to do cce classes (i asked dh, is it okay for kids to ask questions in cce?...). we talked about therapy, mama friends, my mother, our niece, his dad, traveling this weekend. he started to tell me about being one of the few men on residency with a lot of women...apparently he takes quite a bit of crap...but he didn't get to finish that. i have to remember to ask him about that...

life is picking up around here. we have met some really nice people. made some really great friends. it's been amazing, to be honest. when i'm not too full of myself and my own crap, i really am grateful. my kids really have a good circle of friends...little and big, young and grown...and for this, i am happy. what's that song? "make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." yeah, goofy...but perfect.

now, if only i could get myself on the treadmill this week...
peace

so much to say

or at least, so many thoughts swirling around in there...along with those, so many emotions...and me thinking if i can just find the words, maybe i can make a little room and not feel so nutty.

my kids like to fish and had a great time doing it this weekend.

my mother and i have very different values but still love each other and that means we often end up sitting across from a woman we normally wouldn't even like, much less love, trying to find something to say that'll pass for conversation.

i get tired of sleeping in animal fur.

five hours in the sun, on a boat, will give me a sunburn no matter how much sunscreen i put on.

people will always respond better to my spouse who is a doctor than they will to me. (well, certain people i should say...)

my spouse loves me and tries very hard to respect the woman i am and support me without pulling that patriarchal you need me to save you crap...it's much more subtle than it sounds...and he tries. i am grateful my friend i married is such a good man.

listening to another person is an incredible gift...i am blessed to have people in my life that are so good at it, i often take it for granted. but then i get reminded and i stop taking it for granted.

love between friends is a powerful thing...even if someone might try to ignore it or minimize it, it's still pretty powerful stuff.

alright...that's all for now.
peace

worn out

we had a lovely weekend. some friends came to visit...one of those unique situations where the kids get along, the parents get along, we're all great friends... it was a lot of fun watching the kids just fall into step right alongside each other. the smiles, the laughs...if that doesn't heal you, well, i'm sorry... we spent the fourth of july with them and with the mama's family...and again, it was neat how we all fell in step with her family. it was fun, we laughed a lot...they're all pretty wonderful people.

then we ran off to a funeral on saturday. i know, i know...buzz kill, huh? but it wasn't bad...it was actually quite nice, as funerals go. saw a lot of folks we hadn't seen in a really long time.

then we came home and had yesterday, which sucked, but i donwannatalkabout... the oldest and i did get the tent set up and waterproofed and swept out. today we have A LOT of stuff to do. packing, first aid kit, packing the camping box, getting the hydration packs ready....stuff like that. i'm sure there's more, but that's plenty for today. i think i'll get another cup of coffee real quick...
peace

ps--i'd like to add a link to a post on the blog no impact man on my blog roll. i hadn't read it in awhile, and this one spoke to me because it talks about pointing fingers and divisiveness and how they can delay progress toward a solution, which are two things i've been thinking about quite a bit...on a personal scale, but also on a global scale...and he quotes gandhi, which always gets me. peace

nothing's gonna change my world

i've been singing this line over and over in my head for the past week, and then i pop into a friend's blog this morning to see these same words...it was a happy irony.

my spouse has his first weekend off since april. (well, he is rounding on patients as i type, but i am not going to count that, see?...) this was cause to celebrate. we went out to eat last night, but the taco place we went to was running soooo slowly, so we went to pick up some milk, the stuff to make bean and cheese tacos, some cream soda (because this is what made it okay with my children that we left the taco place), other stuff i can't remember... came home and made tacos...the children ate them all. (yeah, maybe children is misleading, huh?) so dh went and got us some sushi (i know, it's a hard life...). but here's where it got kind of crazy...

because he talked to his niece, who is preggers, for an hour. (she had a few questions, concerns, such) and so in this time, after folding two loads of laundry, i called a mama friend to check on her littlest real quick. and in that time, two mamas i hadn't talked to in forever called, as well as my sister who i ended up ignoring because it was getting kind of crazy at that point. one mama i hadn't heard from in so long, i was getting concerned about...really concerned. turns out her phone system isn't working. also turns out she thinks her teenager may be sexually active...which tells me her falling off the face of the earth was partly a technical difficulty and partly a survival mechanism. i didn't get to talk to her long, but i'll talk to her again soon. it was good to connect and just the few words we shared conveyed so much. i'm really glad she called. the other mama, i had a feeling was doing alright, just busy, and that was mostly true too. but it was good talking to her. she has a friend she's been really concerned about, so i gave her an ear to put some of those concerns in and bounce some things off of so she could get back in there and keep on being a good friend. it was good, too, and i'm really glad she called. it was just funny to hear from both of them on the same night within minutes of each other.

but our sushi didn't get eaten. at least not more than a few pieces we each had alone while the other was on the phone. last night was funny to me because i know how wiped out my spouse and i have been feeling lately. and if you'd have asked us earlier in the day, we probably wouldn't have been sure we'd even have enough energy to be kind to one another last night. yet, there we were, recharged because we actually found something to offer other folks we loved.

i wrote earlier about how i've been drawn to focus on our similarities instead of our differences. sometimes i feel like my life is so different from what it used to be. (particularly since starting this journey with medicine) usually i'm mourning what i feel i've lost when i'm thinking that...wishing it was back to the same....missing whatever is not there anymore. but then i have moments when i realize that life is really, at its core, the same, no matter how different it might seem. i am a good person, humbled by the numbers of good people that come through and share life with me, trying to grow the good in the world around them. and as many things as may change, that has always stayed the same.

life is good. thank you, thank you, thank you...
peace

the calm before the storm?

or maybe it's just the normal weather of life?

it's been a very long, very emotional, very good/bad/wonderful/disappointing/devastating/
exciting/feel-good/feel-awful/scary/centering/mind-clearing/mindfucking kind of weekend.

i don't even want to recall it. i'm just glad it's almost over. perhaps the regular routine of life will ease some of this...perhaps not. i don't know.

left foot, right foot, breathe... (and a little help me, too)

peace

ps--here's this indigo girls song that's been in my head for awhile. it makes me cry every time i hear it. i'm not exactly sure what the song's about or why it makes me cry, but in this you tube video, someone set some snippets of obi wan kenobi to the song, which definitely added a different dimension to it...i think. i don't think it makes me cry because of obi wan, though...i'm pretty sure about that.



and one last video. someone special to me took this video and posted it for someone special to them, but they sent me a link so that i could see it, too. (because i'm a you tube-aholic, i think) anyway, i won't tell you who she is, but i can promise you she has no icky bowel functions that i am aware of... (i swear...) the band playing is called rasputina and yes, they're playing cellos. watch the whole thing...they do a "classic" song at the end.