vulnerable

i've been thinking about this word a lot lately...the feeling of being vulnerable. maybe it's just awareness...maybe our vulnerability doesn't change that often...we just feel it more so at different times...i don't know.

as i was walking yesterday, this song kind of made me crack open a little in my resistance to this whole vulnerability thing...

i don't want to sound completely narcissistic, but i think maybe the ghost i think of in this song is a ghost of me...not necessarily someone i used to be, but someone i used to think i was.

and then this song made me smile...

the whole "what makes me think i can start clean slated? the hardest to learn was the least complicated"...it always makes me smile. i've always had a hard time integrating the person i can't stand i am sometimes with the person i really want to be...and figuring out who i am in the middle. and somewhere in there, there are moments of incredible vulnerability...but again...i know that whatever or whoever i am, i am stronger than i believe. and however vulnerable i feel...i am incredibly resilient...and can forgive almost anyone anything...including, i've learned, even me.

peace out

ps--the weirdest spell check experience...it corrected every spelling of vulnerability, replacing it with the exact same spelling i had. i think the computers are just starting to screw with our heads...sensing weakness in the humans, they're making their psychological move...beware, folks. just sayin'. (and for further proof, it just did the same thing with psychological...weird...seriously weird...)

pss--oh, let me add this song that a friend posted the lyrics to earlier today and really made me smile...this is one of my most favorite songs...makes me smile in a place deep, deep down. it's originally a prince song, but i like matt nathanson's cover a little better...and this version is even better.

peace out for real...

last night was awesome

the indigo girls were amazing. i have never stood so close to the stage before. i really wish i had thought to bring my teenager...i am pretty sure he would've loved it. but as it is, i had an awesome time with my spouse, my sister, and her partner. amy and emily were just amazing...

but i have to blog about their opening act...terri hendrix. i first saw terri hendrix years ago at a show my mother and i went to one night. i thought she was great. i went out and bought her cd, willory farm. i didn't realize she was opening for the girls last night...and she was really awesome. here are some songs i heard last night that i'd never heard before that really stuck with me...


and

and due to technical difficulties, that's all i got.
peace

hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

when all else fails, listen to good music

like this cover of an elton john song from the girls...



and this one of off their new cd...



that's all... :)
peace

hey guess what?

the indigo girls have a new cd coming out...great joyous dancing... my sister called me while i was in san francisco to tell me they'd be in austin in may. i really want to go, but i have a feeling my spouse will give me that look that says, "we can't afford to do something so frivolous." and if you think i'd be misinterpreting the look, i'm sure right after he gives me the look, he'll say something like, "that's a lot of money to spend on concert tickets"...sigh...he has such clearly delineated lines when it comes to stuff like that.

but if you go to amazon, you can listen to little snippets of the songs...i KNOW we can at least afford the damned cd. :)

peace

trying to stay open

that's my visualization these days...not letting myself clamp down, stress, get tight.

here's a song a friend mentioned a line to earlier today...went and listened to it, and while i usually prefer live versions of them singing, i kind of liked the lyrics being on the screen for this song, even though it made me feel kind of impatient at first...



peace

by grace

this is the second time i've headed to you tube to find a specific indigo girls song and ended up finding a different one. but this time, i think i came out quite a bit ahead. this song is called "the prince of darkness" and it's on their self-titled release. i received that, i think it was a cassette for me, the christmas i was fourteen years old. i listened to that one for about four years, until i turned eighteen, starting working two jobs, had my very first substantial spending money, and went out and bought my first pair of birkenstocks and three more indigo girls cds.

i remember going to a youth convention when i was sixteen and writing the words to prince of darkness all across a folder that they gave us. i remember how much i loved the song. but listening to it today, with a couple more decades between then and now, i see what a truly beautiful song it is. twenty years can really change the way you relate to a song...but the tears in my eyes are of gratitude...to and for lots of things, i guess. (watch til the end, if you can...emily changes the words just a little and it made me all teary eyed...)



peace

don't think twice

i have a post about support brewing...how difficult it can be to give, how difficult it can be to receive, but basically how it's what heals the universe...well, mostly. but i ran today. and i'm feeling a little more focused than i have in a few weeks. and the teen's calling for some help. and since we still have piano and third born has his first soccer practice tonight, i think the support thing may have to wait. but that's okay because i think it may take a few blogs to get it all down anyway.

so here's a song...it's not the one i chose while i was on the treadmill today. i really wanted a song by the indigo girls called "the language or the kiss" but it was not to be found on you tube. so i ran across this one...i'd never heard it before today. i like the three women (brandi carlile's singing on this one, too) just up there playing their guitars. and amy's mandolin makes me think of my friend jen. and i just love them, so there.



peace

ps--i need some help and i suck at asking for it...so maybe some prayers for my grandmother who they think had a stroke, my mother who ablated (sp?) her thyroid monday, my stepfather who had a prostate biopsy yesterday, and other various friends and loved ones...if you've got a little space on your to-do list. thank you.

more from the heart

getting on the treadmill is one of the best things i do for myself, i think. and not just for the physical body that carries me around in a day, although she definitely appreciates it. but it's also great for the spirit inside the body... i guess, more accurately, it's one of the best places for them to meet and work together...well, if i don't push too hard. and after a month of not being on the treadmill, i wasn't looking to push too hard tonight.

i listened to the indigo girls tonight...1200 curfews. there's a song on there that i don't think they wrote, although the site i usually pull lyrics from is on sabbatical (which, as pete seeger says, will probably turn into a mondical and a tuesdical....). the song is called thin line and here's the best i can remember...

i thought the time was passed
for when i could find beauty in the world
i set the stage and the scenery
rehearsing every word

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

with my confidence on fire
i set to fixing up my role
my separation of desires
just left me deeper in the hole

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

now i'm trying to get back
what i know that i should be
hoping to god (oh, i was hoping i was just)
a temporary absentee

when i tried to make it more, well it was
always less
and it's a thin line between pleasing yourself
and pleasing somebody else

oh yeah, alright...

and without lifeblood.net, that's the best i can do.

this song strikes a chord with me...it always has. the chorus has always stood out, but the verses tonight were really clear as i ran, too. i have still been thinking about that diamond heart. i was talking to my friend lana last night, and the idea of a diamond core that can withstand all the things i'm so worried will shatter me came about. how i try to put this crappy armor around it, that is not meant to be there, and is not truly part of that core, and is easily injured, knocked down, defeated...but there i go, scurrying around trying to replace each lost piece with something else...all in the name of defense...trying to avoid pain...but stressed out the whole time because, if you had parents who spanked when you were a child...especially parents who used things like belts to spank with and were kind of ceremonious about it, like had you lay across a bed with your pants down, the damned anticipation of the blow can wreck you far more than the actual blow.

so, as i was running, i was trying to define some of these pieces of armor i attach to myself to try to ward off pain. what exactly are they? i didn't really come up with anything specific, but it made me think of an essay my friend patsy wrote when she was in college. she wrote an analogy between her life and a tapestry...yeah, like carole king. but patsy's essay was beautiful. she gave the colors of her tapestry feelings, emotions...loyalty, fear, love...all woven into the life that was hers. it was a long time ago, and that really is about all i remember of it, but it was beautiful, i do remember that.

i don't know exactly which parts of me are part of the core or not. i assume whatever part of me is compelled to construct these defenses is also a part of the core, so i don't know that any of it is "not real", if that makes sense. it's all me, i realize. (or i think i realize...i'm obviously making this up as i go...) but i did figure out this...there are times that i act as a friend out of a need to protect myself from the truth that i cannot be a perfect friend. that i am afraid of falling short, so i do things "to save my own ass." and as horrified as i might feel to realize it (and no, it's not the first time i've ever had this realization about myself), i have to know that those who love me either have no clue about this and will be repulsed when they find out (this is fear talking) or they probably already know i'm imperfect and are tired of having to avert their eyes kindly when my human hangs out (this is optimistically in the middle, i think).

this realization came, in part, because i try to give others permission to be human. i have always been the person that said "it's okay to fuck up...i'll still love you" because i do truly believe that we need love most when we least deserve it. (whatever deserve means...that's one i try to stay away from, but it's a quote, so i used it) but the realization came more fully because i have learned, over time, that i have limits. i have times that i have to step back and not be the one to give love...maybe just be the one to pray for peace...because my human can't stretch enough to be the lover, just the prayer. and in accepting this limit of mine, i have begun to see my own humanity a little more fully. and it occurred to me tonight, that in accepting myself more, in finding my core, letting her stand, that i am probably a better friend for it. i may not be as accommodating or outright supportive, but i am still loyal and passionate and believe deeply in each of us...i guess because like anne lamott said in those quotes i posted last night, we're each a mosaic tile of the One. and like alice walker said, but i'm going to paraphrase, we have to see ourselves reflected in each other...even those we don't think we're like or don't want to believe we even could be like.

ok...i anticipate more verbal vomiting along these lines...and while it feels weird to post something so raw, this is important stuff for me to work through. and after slogging through today, it feels so clean to be able to get a little of it out.

why don't i remember how good running is for me?...
peace

preparing

it's just one of those times. i didn't realize it until i went to therapy today and actually had a chance to talk about it for awhile. according to the-rapist, i am working through the grief of my kids not being babies (although she assures me that older children is a delightful time of parenting, too, and i really, really like where my kids are right now), i'm working through shifting relationships with my mama friends and community of support, i'm working through the continued stress of a spouse in medicine...stress on time, stress on relationships, stress on money, and then there's the stress of our parents getting older...which applies more to my spouse's family than my own.

oh, there may have been more stuff, i don't remember anymore... but it actually felt good in the end to cry a little and just pour it out. it wasn't very coherent. it wasn't all put together or connected or whatever...none of it was particularly relevant to anything else other than these are all things that are important to me, people who are important to me, relationships that are important to me.

so what was her advice? well, i have to say, it really cracked us both up when she started telling me what i needed to do...then she stopped herself and said, "uh, no...that's way too directive. what i'd like to see from you is..." man, we had to stop for a few minutes before we could stop laughing over that. but she'd like to see me lighten up on myself. (that one's kind of hard...) she'd like to see me continue to learn to take care of myself. (i've been working on that one...trying to figure out exactly what it means) and she'd like to see me work on setting aside some time for communication with my spouse...or communication for all of our family would probably be good, too.

wish me luck. going into november is a hard time of year for me. dealing with the decreased sunshine hours while the world gets ready in a flurry of activity for christmas has been really rough the last five or six years. and christmas...with its incredible potential for spiritual opportunities and its nauseating pull toward over-consuming...well, it's just a rough balance to struggle finding with less sunlight than normal. but i will try to be aware of these things going into it and not let myself get sucked in...at least not without being aware of my consent to be sucked in, i suppose.

i'm also struggling with my eczema right now. sigh... but i am going to make an appointment with a nurse practitioner. i am, i am, i am. i just need a little support in that area. i can't afford the energy drain that comes with chronic pain...even if it's not major pain...it just wears me out after awhile.

ok...onward and upward. or i'll at least try for a few steps forward... :)

real quick...i know i've posted a video of this song before. it's the indigo girls singing the wood song...but it brings me peace, so i'm posting it again. maybe this is a different show.

peace

love's recovery

as i was running today, i was listening to indigo girls (i know, go die of surprise already...) and i heard a song i hadn't heard in a long time and one i never really paid attention to. it was on the first indigo girls cassette (yikes!) i ever got and at fourteen years old, it just wasn't something i related to. today was a little different and i thought i'd come post a video here...


and here are the lyrics...

during the time of which i speak
it was hard to turn the other cheek
to the blows of insecurity
feeding the cancer of my intellect
the blood of love soon neglected
lay dying in the strength of its impurity
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
they've all gone and left each other
in search of fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

there i am in younger days, star gazing
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be
not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
my compass, faith in love's perfection
i missed ten million miles of road i should have seen
meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
left each other one by one on the road to fairer weather
and we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
to the slim chance of love's recovery

rain soaked and voice choked
like silent screaming in a dream
i search for our absolute distinction
not content to bow and bend
to the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
eating us away, eating us away
eating us away to our extinction

oh how i wish i were a trinity
so if i lost a part of me
i'd still have two of the same to live
but nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
as specks of dust we're universal
to let this love survive
would be the greatest gift that we could give
tell all the friends who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather
though it's storming out i feel safe within the arms
of love's discovery

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1988 by godhap music (bmi)

i've got something to say on this, but i'm going to sit with it and come back to it later...
peace

a few more laps

with this whole wanting to be loved, but not feeling worthy thing... i guess i mean that i've always waited for my mom to like me for who i am. and that it never occurred to me, as a child, that her inability to do that was because of her...not me. which doesn't make her a bad person. i don't know why i'm wired to desire love the way i am. i don't think she had anything to do with that...at least not that i can figure. just the cycle of how her reactions sparked an inner dialogue in me. to be specific, she never said, "you are not worthy" or anything remotely resembling. it was all just a random-ish row of dominoes falling, i think.

anyway...i came back to this because i was thinking about this last night...how in constructing this fabricated "i don't need love because i'm not really worthy of it" outward appearance, inside that, what i was growing was like the big, blood sucking, human eating plant on little shop of horrors...FEED ME SEYMORE!!! this kind of crazy, out of control, bottomless pit of need... like the stay puff marshmallow man on ghostbusters, only make that me as a two year old...

anyway...my husband, in many ways, has taken it in the teeth on this. not that he hasn't been able to give some in return ala his own over-inflated inner two year old...but he has certainly been a sport through the doubting, suspicions, and flat.out.raging.fucking.pissed.off.anger that he's been the target of a time or two over the last fifteen or so years... because i need, and i mean n.e.e.d. but i refuse to accept so often. and it wasn't because he wasn't sincere. at least not always. it was often because i did not feel worthy and couldn't trust him even when he meant it.

this is true in almost all of my relationships. and i'm almost giddy over becoming aware of this...i mean, i am also profoundly sad to realize that it was, in fact, me who was too tied up in my own shit to realize what i've been receiving most of my life. even from my mom, i suppose, in a lot of ways. but i do think some relationships run much more healthily with some boundaries in place...and i think ours will, too. and while it's easier to blame others and be angry at others, it is so much more empowering to realize the potential in my own behavior.

anyway...so...i thought i'd end this with posting the very first video i ever saw of indigo girls...the one chance exposure that gave me this twenty year obsession. and this song has been playing through my head quite a bit lately...
peace

ps--yeah, i just posted a link. my computer is running so freaking, fracking slowly these days, it makes me want to smash my head through the monitor. and i'm not a road rage kind of gal...but apparently i AM a computer rage kind of gal. anyway...it was safer to just post a link to the video. this was also the first time i was pretty sure i'd have a tattoo someday...when i watched this video. just thought i'd share.

beauty

the weekend was crazy full of it...

the women whose ceremony we attended were beautiful. my friend from high school, patsy, has always been gorgeous. and she wasn't backing down on her wedding day, let me tell you. she and her partner were lovely.

the group of people assembled to support these two women...again...it was a beautiful thing. amazing. i get a lump in my throat all over again thinking about it.

our friend who sang...more beauty. her best friend that we got to meet...again...beautiful person.

hanging out with my spouse...now this one surprised me for some reason. but we had so much fun... i didn't realize how long it had been. well, a night away together sans kids...this was our first. but we haven't even really been out on a date in awhile. and these women kept telling us how cute we were together...how perfect for each other we are. it was hilarious. and flattering, too, i must admit. we would look at each other..."wow! did you hear that? do we really still have it?..." it was so....healing.

so all in all, we're staying with the gift that keeps on giving theme on the weekends. it was a lovely wedding/commitment ceremony for two very beautiful people...and the love and the warmth and the goodness that was the sum total of all assembled in honor of and for the cause of and inspired by these women....well, that was just a testimony to the good that just is. and it just keeps going...can't seem to help itself.

so here are some lyrics to the song i posted earlier that i was gifted last weekend. the story, by brandi carlile. it's a really sweet song and it's the one my spouse and i kept listening to this weekend...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

oh, and let me share this...it's cool for a couple of reasons. my spouse and i also listened to the indigo girls this weekend...their nomads cd. my spouse pointed out that during world falls, emily plays twinkle, twinkle little star. now, i had never, ever noticed this. he had to actually sing the words for me to pick it out... (no, my ear is not very well trained at all) anyway...so i thought i'd put a video of it on here for you all to listen for twinkle, twinkle, too. when i went to you tube, i found a really good version of it. cool thing is, they're singing it with brandi carlile....

it's around one minute and fifty-three seconds... (listen to emily's guitar right when they start singing "i'm laughing...." it's related to that line, actually. "i'm laughing, i'm under a starry sky.")


peace

lego my ego

this title makes me laugh...like leggo my eggo, but different. and no, it doesn't rhyme. but it looks good...and that pleases me just as much. so what does it mean?...

i went to this lego robotics kick off event saturday. and holy moly macaroni!!! (this was my favorite saying as a kid) the possibilities...the experience...the practice...the exposure...the ability to integrate and affect and...in a word, it.blew.my.mind. and there are so many things I'D like to do with it. i mean, with an opportunity like that, i could really make things happen. it's all so laid out for me...so well supported...so many resources ready to help me change the world...

oh wait...this is not for me. this is for the five teenage and pre-teenage boys i'm, you know, coaching...in the loosest sense of the word. i'm facilitating, guiding, supporting, cheering on, channeling at my most productive because energy from young men at this age...i'm telling you, it could level a small town if it isn't properly channeled. (and i happen to live in a small town, so you understand the importance of channeling...)

so as all this was coming together in my head, lego my ego became the slogan. but i have to admit that at this point in my life, lego is not the only time my ego becomes apparent and problematic. well, problematic in the sense that as i become aware of it, i kind of find it a problem how much it's running things. it is certainly humbling... but i have not practiced this enough to really know what i'm talking about...just feel it a little. still, i had to write the lego my ego post before i forgot all about it and it was lost beneath the feathers of my discarded or untended thoughts...

i also want to post some words of others than i've been rolling around in those feathers in my head, and also in my heart lately...all music, of course.

"You know, me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is I keep fucking up."

"I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. I guess I could've made it easier on myself. But I could never follow."

"I've never seemed to do it like anybody else."

"The wood is tired. And the wood is old. And we'll make it fine, if the weather holds. But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point. And that's where I need to go."

that last line has been getting me so hard lately...alternately lifting me up and making me cry. and the line before...same thing. like annie says about a friend of hers over dinner, i'm a little erratic these days.

last night's concert was wonderful. it was such a small, friendly church. we all had a really good time. and i am again grateful to be able to be a part of these women's lives...they have been so welcoming and kind, generous. and they're all so wonderful. it makes me appreciative of all the women who have become a part of my life and allowed me to become a part of theirs. i mean, the men are cool, too...they really are...but there's something about sisters...

i'll have to work more on this ego thing...if you've gotten this far and you feel so inclined...tell me what ego means to you. i'm a word whore, so the more ways i see something expressed in writing, the more i understand what it is or isn't to me...unless you think whores or bad...then you might not want to encourage me in this hobby... ;)
peace

--had to come back to add--

ps--my friend jen has lots of cool, good luck/good karma kind of things happen to her. and i know sometimes it truly is a matter of quantity of nice things happening...but sometimes it can be a matter of awareness of those nice things happening to a person. sooooo... today, i'm on the phone with my sister and i decide to run the trash can down to the street for trash pick up. as i walk outside, the trash man is driving his truck out of my culdesac, and i mean fast... but he sees me, backs the truck up, takes the trash can from me, wheels it to the side of the truck so the truck can do its thing, then introduces himself to me, asks my name, and gives me back my now empty trash can. cool, huh?

he then followed me up my driveway to offer to take the broken television waiting to be properly disposed of at the top of it...and i admit that kind of seemed a bit like overkill to me...but i told him my husband was taking care of that and thanks. so...i know if i write this down, my chances of actually remembering it will increase. and i did think it was pretty darn cool of him to back his truck up to get my trash...'specially since he seemed in such a big hurry and all... :)

also...culturally defining movies. when we had our friends sleeping over the other night, everyone got to see the wizard of oz for the first time. (everyone but oldest, who was so terrified of the flying monkeys he hadn't seen it in ten years) then today, my kids watched the outsiders. and i was a little worried about them watching that, so i sat and watched it with them. aside from being weird seeing patrick swayze, c. thomas howell, ralph macchio, matt dillon, rob lowe, tom cruise, and emilio estevez sooooooooo long ago...it really was a good choice for them. littlest played with his piano book through most of it, but the whole "three brothers on their own...being the kind of greasers who cry...tough enough to kick ass but kind enough to take care of each other" was a cool thing for this family of four brothers... good for them to know i'm not just making shit up and trying to turn them into pansies.

ok, i am really done for the day. i swear.

devotion

devotion...n. 1. enthusiastic loyalty (to a person or cause); great love. 2. prayers.

i pulled out with the mountain laurel blooming
on a dirt road that is soon to be paved
down to the site of my original establishment
and the west end family grave

cause one day moves into two
(one day moves into two)
and i'm losing
everything except for you
(everything except for you)
and i would sing you a song of devotion
(i would sing you a song of devotion)
yeah that's what i should do
(that's what i should do)

blood runs thick and when it rains it pours down
(blood runs thick)
on the family tree on the fields of war
(the family tree on the fields of war)
i spend my time being broken hearted and grieving bound
(i spend my time being broken hearted and grieving bound)
yeah i haven't much need to look forward

i just let a one day move into two
(one day moves into two)
i'm losing
everything except for you
(everything except for you)
i would sing you a song of devotion
(i sould sing you a song of devotion)

book of days
(book of days)
the way things lay
(the way things lay)
that's just space and time
(that's just space and time)
i gave it up
(i gave it up)
all for a love
(all for a love)
that won't be defined
(that won't be defined)

i've had enough temporary aquisition
building fences for no gain
(building fences for no gain)
taking dead trees down before the winter freeze
(taking dead trees down before the winter freeze)
i said let em rot and fall where they may

just let one day move into two
(one day moves into two)
i'm losing
everything except for you
(eveything except for you)
ah yeah
i would sing you a song of devotion
(i would sing you a song of devotion)
that's what i should do
(i gotta let them fall where they may)
(cause one day moves into two)
it's the book of days
(i'm losing)
it's the way things lay
(everything except for you)
now that's just space and time
(i)
(i would sing you a song)
i gave it up
(of devotion)
all for your love
(yeah)
that's what i should do
(that's what i should do)
that's what i should do
(that's what i should do)
yeah
that's what i should do
(that's what i should do)

words and music by amy ray

amy ray quote from 10/03/2000: retrospective liner notes:

"i guess i am finally understanding the futility of trying to control anything in life."

and this is what i'm thinking about lately...the song has been playing in my head the last couple of days. and when i read that quote, well, i would've died of surprise if not for knowing that's just the way things roll these days...where one line ends, another seemingly unrelated line picks right up. it all goes together. i am along for the ride. i have my own devotion to my own internal compass...i am aware of that devotion and choose to act on it, within it, for it, around it, through it.

(yeah, it's foggy headed times...too much shifting around in there to come up with many of my own words...) peace

so it's like this...

if you hate jesus christ superstar, you might want to skip this one....

lately, as i've listened to the resurrection, i've been struck first, by how beautiful amy's voice is as jesus. and also michael lorant, who is judas. i've owned this cd for a very long time...over ten years...but when michael lorant sings heaven on their minds, it almost makes me cry. i've never felt like i understood judas so much...like i could empathize so strongly with him. he's so caught up in his human fears...denying his dependent nature, you know? trying to make things right independently...all by his own hand. and we know how that one ends.

and then there's jesus in the garden. i think i posted the one from the 1970s movie already, but i'm so pumped to find these videos of this other version, i think i'll post it, too. jesus (as portrayed by andrew lloyd wright, i realize) struggling with his own human independent streak, but ending in dependence. not exactly a warm and cozy commercial for dependence, i suppose...but what did you expect? you know how the story ends on earth and how it continues on other levels... and it's kind of different to hear it sung by a woman, too...for me, anyway.





peace

still treading water

yeah, yeah, i know...just swim, fortheloveofgod...i'll get there.

the meeting went well today. got some stuff done. that was good. i think if i can focus, i can get the rest knocked out pretty quickly. i don't understand what holds me back...but it does...this i cannot deny.

went to the-rapist today. it was good, sort of. not a "oh, there's the light, let me walk in it" kind of good. more of a "let's be real about where things stand and the limits of one person's ability to maintain the sanity of a family" kind of good. i'll be meditating on my dependence quite a bit this semester. meditating on my dependence has led me to recognize the things i need to do to take care of myself. i've read a lot more. recognized my body needs me to run...or workout at least. (running is just easier for now) i've even called some friends lately here in my area. it's funny, but i also need to be productive. and i can work that, too.

working on it...

so here's something i've been listening to lately, and finally realized there were some videos on you tube...they aren't the released versions i've been listening to when i run, but it's fun watching amy play jesus and emily play mary. what can i say? i really love amy....



peace out

contentment, i suppose

at least i think this is how it feels...

i don't know why my posts have relied so heavily on the words of others lately, except to say that sometimes what i'm thinking or processing is heavily supported by those who've gone before me and the words and ways they were able to express the same or similar. which i am grateful for because it allows me to just feel my way through without having to think too much about words or whatnot...

i saw my the-rapist today. it's a good feeling to know you've kind of made it through a difficult time. not that the difficult time is over, but that you've done your hurling, free falling, head over feet, eyes wide, heart racing, stomach sickening, where the fuck is the ground and is this ever going to end...and now you're back on your feet.

i don't know why today is different from yesterday. but it is. and i know things are going to be alright, even though they're not stagnant by any stretch of the imagination. i am glad i found this the-rapist...i really think she helped quite a bit. and of course, i am also grateful for the friends and family, authors and artists, and just life in general.

time to keep going...

i picked this song today because i went through a lot of my indigo girls cds yesterday looking for you and me of the 10,000 wars to listen to. i found it, btw...and i also found another cd i hadn't heard in awhile. this is the first song on that cd and was exactly how i felt after i got home from my appointment today which is when i put the cd on to listen to and then promptly came and sat down to blog. i put the lyrics at the end if you'd like to read while you listen. i love the way emily sings this song in this video, though...

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)

peace and have beautiful days...

conflict

conflict 1. state of opposition 2. fight; struggle

sometimes i feel like i'm a little preoccupied with the concept of conflict. ok, what was the term from heart of darkness by joseph conrad? "morbid fascination with the abomination"? maybe that's a little more accurate... i did notice yesterday that i often have more words for the problem than the solution. but i guess that follows eckhart tolle's assertion that problems originate in the mind and are perpetuated by the mind... i dunno.

i do know that when i was a kid, i spent a lot of time focused on avoiding conflict...conflict with me, conflict between my parental figures... and i guess that followed me into the rest of my life. but i will admit, that as i've become the adult, i've also become acutely aware of the conflict within me that i never even noticed before. but i'm making peace, sort of, with all that. because i used to always associate conflict with pain, so my goal was to avoid it. not that i was successful...no one is, i've come to learn. but i grew up thinking that if i was in pain, it was my fault...because i didn't keep the peace with the right people. or something like that, but ultimately, that it was due to something i did or didn't do.

so now i see conflict and pain as a natural part of life...albeit not parts i go searching for. they find me well enough. but i do work to, well, you know, accept them on a good day and embrace them on a great day. but i do still wonder if i'm a little hypersensitive to them both. i figure one step at a time, right? i mean, rome wasn't built in a day and neither will a state of balance be achieved in the same short time. and in the meantime, i probably still will focus (hyper focus?) a bit on conflict...within me, around me...because i am still learning. but i swear, i really am a fairly happy mama... :)

so here's an indigo girls song about the natural state of conflict in relationships and life and whatnot. i haven't heard it in so long...and since i can't find that cd today, i still haven't heard but the small snippet i put at the end of the lyrics today. it is funny how my understanding and feeling when i hear these songs has evolved over the twenty or so years i've been listening to the indigo girls...but whatever it is at a given moment, it always seems to shed a little light and it always seems so natural.

you and me of the 10,000 wars
dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores
a bed to be made and a bed to lie in
a hand in the darker side
and our sights set on zion

the heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters

try making one and one make one
twist the shapes until everything comes undone
watch the wizard behind the curtain
the larger than life and the power of seeming certain
the evil ego and the vice of pride
is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides
i wanted everything to feed me
about as full as i got was of myself
and the upper echelons of mediocrity

and oh the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie
still you held your arms open
for the prodigal daughter
i see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
still waters
still waters

after the battles and we're still around
everything once up in the air has settled down
sweep the ashes let the silence find us
a moment of peace is worth every war behind us
you and me of the 10,000 wars

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)


peace

the girl with the weight of the world in her hands

this is an indigo girls song that i was thinking about last night. probably because of some of the comments my friend ken left about duality and non-duality. this song used to make me cry when i was a teen/young twenty year old. i could never decide if emily wrote it about herself or about someone else. i always figured it was a little bit both. i always felt like i was a little bit both.

maybe i'll come back later and blog about these hilarious kids of mine...or something a little less intense. i'm feeling a little heavy, but like i'm ready to lighten up some...so we'll see.

until then, here's the video. and i don't watch television. we don't have cable. so i have no idea what show this footage comes from. it says "bsg" in the you tube description, but my inexperience with tv leaves me blank on what that might stand for. but i don't think i want to watch the show, either...looks too intense... :)