thoughtful

i just think sometimes that i think too much. but then i guess i'm not sure what to measure it against, because then at other times in my life, people say something and i think, "well, i didn't think of that." so maybe i'm not thinking enough?... or maybe i'm not thinking the right things? chuckle... (reminds me of a robert earl keen song about a bucking bronc for some reason)

i thought about this song today...

"if language were liquid it would be rushing in/instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be/these words are too solid, they don't move fast enough/to catch the blur in the brain that flies by and is gone"

it's by suzanne vega.

there is an issue in my life that i don't know how to resolve. ok, that's a lie. there are MANY issues in my life that i don't know how to resolve...but one in particular keeps bumping into me as though i need to do something about it. and while i tend to view anger as an emotion that just clouds something else, making it difficult to resolve anything, i'm just getting frustrated. i'm trying to hold to my ideals, but i feel like 1.) i'm being treated as though i am deep down an asshole, so why try to be anything different and 2.) i'm so seen as a jerk that no matter how much i try to be a good friend, it just won't matter. i guess i need my own adrian saying, "you can't win!!!" (even as a little girl, i felt bad for rocky that his wife would tell him that...)

another lyric...this time ten thousand maniacs...

"do i need someone here to scold me or do i need someone who'll come and pull me out of four poster, bla bla bla" it's the weather song...about depression... i don't need someone guilting me or making me feel shitty. but i don't want to be that person, either. i have no more patience for someone treating me that way than i have for being that way myself.... so where's the fucking middle road on this map?...

and i won't even speak the "dh" words... but i will take care of myself and the kiddos the best way i know how. and feel good about it. strong in it. if i can't make the rest of my world spin evenly, gently, well, i'll just keep working on the biggest part.

so peace out

(as soon as i finished this and re-read it, it became apparent to me that my feeling that someone thinks i'm an asshole is affecting, well, my thinking... shit, was that clear as mud or what? bottom line, why am i so afraid of being thought of as an asshole? and why am i fighting against it? and even freakier, can my three year old read? because he's standing here and spontaneously said, "mama, you're so nice." weeeeird.... i will come back to this later....)