upward and onward

so, what today? church issues? people issues? the whole blog concept issues? decisions, decisions...

i got cut off pretty abruptly with my church issues last time. i just feel like when people tell me Jesus died for MY sins, they're trying to guilt me into complying with whatever THEY think i need to be doing to show i appreciate it. i think Jesus' death and his resurrection, whether bodily or spiritually, is powerful. but i, at least at this point in my life, find much more power in his life. the way he lived. and the way he confronted death. he was so human and he was so holy at the same time.

last night i had this strange thought or these strange thoughts, or whatever. i was taking my dogs outside for their last hurrah before bed and i started thinking about the neighbors behind me that i don't know. i started thinking along the lines of the movie "kiss the girls" i think. seen it? killer watches unsuspecting victims behavior until he knows more about them than their mothers and then just takes them. (yeah, really complex movie, huh? it was good, seriously) anyway, so i take the girls out every night around the same time. and it would be weird if something happened to me... so i'm getting ooked out.

well, in bed later, i'm thinking about when stuff like this happens. how we all tell the stories to scare each other into being more careful (as if one is supposed to anticipate the actions of a psycho) and whatnot... and i thought, well, what if each woman in these stories, if they're even true, confronted death like Jesus...even just a little. and all we tell are these stories of fear and cruelty and horror. i mean, there was plenty of that when Jesus died. the story could very well go, "and then my nephew, Jesus, he was put to death by the stupid government. it was so awful, he was such a good boy. but the bastards killed him, put him on a cross. stabbed him. he cried and got a little loopy at the end. his mom was sooo sad. bastards." and the end. we could focus on government corruption, fear, anger, cruelty...it's all there. but that's not the message of the story. and i just can't help but wonder if these women who have all these stories of being overpowered by men are leaving a bigger legacy that we're just ignoring. i don't know. maybe i'm just talking shit...it WAS late when i was having this particular line of thought. but it just makes me sad to think of death as senseless. if i die, somebody better find something fucking sensible to say..."she fought for her family. she loved them ferociously. she wanted her family to love everyone the way she loved them. and don't be afraid or angry now that she's dead. just fucking remember what she taught you." you know...something like that... i don't know....

blogging...what is this? it's like a journal. i sure put some personal stuff here. but there is some stuff too personal for here. i'm not even sure what to think of it, other than it's easier to do this when i'm already checking email, and i don't have to go find my real journal and a pen. i will continue to think about this...

peace