rainbows

last night, my spouse and i had what i call a "come to jesus" meeting... this means there was much passion, a lot of emotion involved, and there were some "do or die" type things said as well....it was kind of a let-me-tell-you-how-i'm-doing-and-let's-make-some-decisions-about-this, or not make decisions, but whatever the fuck we do, it's one of those check point moments...a crossroad...and either we cross it together, go our separate ways, whatever.

no, i'm not talking divorce with going our separate ways. i mean, he's a resident. he's been on his own path for the last five years. our path is somewhat going in the same direction, and we usually have our eyes on him at least to some extent, watching for those meet up moments. and i'm sure there are times he's watching out for us, too...at least i think there are. but this has been a difficult time. i have the gray hairs to prove it. (not that they really prove anything...but i didn't expect to look so much older at the end of this...and that kind of puts it into a different perspective for me, for some reason)

anyway, during our meeting, he said he was in it with me til the end. to which i responded, "the end? you mean like until we decide to get divorced?" (i was so tired last night and probably shouldn't have taken part in a come to jesus meeting, but then i also realized that i have more reasons for not speaking my mind freely than i do for speaking my mind freely, so i just didn't stop myself) and he replied, "no...til the end of our rainbow." which i must admit took me by surprise. he usually uses more tangible, concrete words and concepts when we discuss marriage and life and whatnot. the whole rainbow thing kind of caught me off guard.

rainbows are funny....it's like they're real and then they kind of aren't. they're the reflection of light off of water particles. prisms. but without water and light, there are no rainbows. at least not the real, up in the sky kind. and sometimes that's how i feel about love in my marriage. like i think it's there, i thought i saw it, i KNOW it's there somewhere, but where the hell did it go? do i need water or light? what happened there... yet when the two things come together and everything works out just right, it's beautiful...beautiful enough to keep you looking for the next one, i suppose. i hope.

so here are two songs that make me think of my spouse. one is new for me...just got added last night, as a matter of fact. and the second one is one my spouse doesn't appreciate as "our song" because it's a song about being at a crossroads. but i think it would be crazy to pick a song that didn't frame our relationship in anything but, to be honest. we have chosen many paths that have involved many crossroads. and i usually feel like we're a really strong couple for that...really strong friends. but when we approach one, or stand in the damned middle of one for sooooo freaking long because we can't decide which way to go, or who should lead, or whether we're traveling this one together or not....i get a little worn out. (ok, i get reallllly worn out) but at the core of any emotion i feel, he is my friend...my deepest, best friend. and i know that. i'm just not used to knowing things i sometimes can't feel. but i do know it...kind of like knowing rainbows are real, even when you've lost one or can't find one.





peace