uhm, ok...

so healing and finding your feet on your own is one thing. being married (remember that whole two becoming one thing, jess?...) is another. or involves another at the very least.

my spouse is a great man. i've known him over half my life... i think he thinks i'm a fairly decent person, too. so why is it that when it comes to the marriage we've created, we seem to have screwed some things up...and i mean kind of royally. or at least the pain seems pretty royal. i suspect the solution is fairly easy, but getting past that big, royal pain is what, i think, keeps goofing us up.

i mean, i admit it, i feel that "fuck it, throw in the towel, run and hide, who the hell wants to put up with this, what the hell could be good enough to warrant putting up with this shit" kind of stuff. but it's a smaller part of me now than it used to be. and then there's this other part of me (that part of me that parents myself?) that is like, "sure, get it out, it's ok, now get back in there and don't forget to be nice."

and then i want to stamp my foot and demand to know what his inner thoughts are.... and then he shares some of them and i want to turn off the faucet, plug the dam, cover my ears...

who are we?

i don't always know. and i think i kind of fluffed it up some with the rainbows post i did. but that really is how i feel right now. kind of searching for light reflected off tiny water particles... maybe i'm just looking too closely and need to back up some? that helps sometimes. and i am praying a lot to Big Mama about lifting up this friend of mine that i married...

no indigo girls today. but david sedaris is helping me keep my sense of humor. i'm going to go see him next week with a friend i've made here. i am thrilled to have that to look forward to.

that's about all i got today. gonna go get my hammer and nail and get my ass busy...
peace