i just don't want anyone to get hurt

so awhile back we went and saw the new indiana jones movie...last weekend, maybe... and it was great indiana jones. i figured the big screen of the drive-in would make it a little less intense for my guys who are not so experienced in the capabilities of special effects when conveying scary stuff. and then there's the fact that at the drive-in, you don't have to cover your eyes when you're scared. you just look up at a beautiful field of stars, and instead of being a chicken, you're a star gazer. how cool is that?

when we got home, there were a few "concerns" at bedtime. and the one that was the most concerned was my second born son, my ten year old. he kind of looked at me, rolled his eyes a little, and said, "it's ok...mostly..." in a voice that said "i'm not feeling safe to go to bed...sorry." and it was the apology in his voice that got me. because i was the same way as a child. i could watch scary movies with the rest of everyone, but my parents put a stop to it. because they were the ones who ended up by my bed at night while i was wide awake, looking out for the radioactive children from the bus that drove through the funny cloud and had black fingernails and burned and killed everyone they touched in that small town...just in case they showed up in my bedroom, you know?

so i hug my son...i tell him that those guys are fine....they LOVE what they do...get paid LOTS of money to do it. that they are having the times of their lives making it look like they're in danger or hurting one another or whatever. and aren't they quite good at that? at which point he looks up at me and says, "i just don't want anyone to get hurt." and i hug him closer and get tears in my eyes.

because i feel, at times, like we live in a world that would annihilate a boy who says that. would call him a sissy, tell him to "toughen up," and make him hide that part of himself so far down, no one would ever find it again. embarrass him, mock him, whatever it took. i see stuff like this often...our society doesn't even pretend to be kind much of the time. they make fun of people without even a hint of kindness, apology, or sense of shared humanity is what i guess i'm really getting at. and i love that my son is so openly sensitive. that he remains who he is while caring for others...even when the others tell him he should be different. i learn a lot from him.

i told him i understood...that i don't want anyone to get hurt either. and that even though people do still get hurt, they heal, too, and that's sometimes better than staying safe. he looked at me and smiled this smile... sometimes i think he knows stuff i haven't even begun to ponder yet.

i don't know why i get so defensive about that part of myself and those i love. it's really unnecessary.

i was feeling kind of defensive last night because trying to be peaceful and gentle...trying to believe that people have the answers in themselves and just need time and love to find them...and that there's really no need to hurt someone...that we all have equal value as human beings...is not easy. you watch others come in and try to direct someone, tell them what they need to do, maybe the other person tries it for awhile, and then maybe it all blows up or falls apart or sets them back a little or forward a little or whatever. and there you are, watching the whole thing, loving everyone involved even though you're human...you might feel a little impatient with the whole situation...with some one's need to be in charge and tell others what to do...or some one's inability to stand up for themselves. and here you are...watching, loving, trying to be patient while everyone thinks you're a "yes" woman, or afraid to stand up for yourself, or unable to lead or direct. yet you know you've made this commitment, you have this core belief...and you can't help but stick with your truth, stay your course, it feels so deeply right, even though, frankly, a part of you is starting to want to go ahead and chunk it all out the window and just let fly with the negativity you are trying to convert to a positive energy to benefit everyone... ack.

this is getting a bit cynical here. but i will end it with saying that again, i could be the person any of those pronouns take the place of in the previous paragraph, and i know it. as much as i try to support people in becoming who they feel pulled to be, i know i blow it. i know i push. i am, in fact, quite human. ask my kids...they don't lie. they may have a moment of blind optimism, but give them a minute and it'll pass. as much as i despise people thinking any of those things about me, i know there are people i've thought those things about. it hurts me to be the thinker as much as it hurts me to be the feeler. and for some reason, seeing the truth in that sets me free...free from what others' may see in me and free from that same judgmental part of myself.

it is what i feel pulled to be and it is what i think i see reflected sometimes in my ten year old's eyes. he's already pretty much there. i think he's saving me a spot.

peace

ps--i've posted a version of this song before. i have always loved it, though i don't completely understand it. it's the indigo girls and emily sings beautifully, even though it's not the whole song. i can understand parts of the song, but not what the whole thing is saying, although maybe it is saying that when you take a nonviolent path, you don't last as long in this world...because those on a violent path maybe take you out. and that ultimately, that is a part of the path of nonviolence. of course, we'd all like to live to be as old at the dalai lama, but that's not a guarantee. for anyone, truly... still pondering...