funny stuff

but not necessarily funny/haha...you know?

so my mom told me i was fluff last month. it really hurt my feelings, even though i know she and i have different standards about stuff... so that's old news...

well, i talked to her today, and it turns out my brother was getting ready to be sent back to prison for fourteen months. for a crime he committed right after he got out of prison the first time. which was a year and a half ago, for anyone who's counting or interested in the expediency and subsequent relevance of our judicial system to offenders who really are kind of, what's the word?...oh hell, he's my brother, i know the word....slow.

so as he's worked to get his life back on track the last year and a half...and let me tell you, i've watched his sense of time...doing the right thing for a year and a half for this guy is like five years...because it's just that hard. when he tells you he's only "slipped up" once or twice, you can be fairly certain it's more like five times. when he tells you it's been "weeks" since those slip ups, that's probably days. when it's been "months" since he's had a hit, it's probably more like a couple of weeks... i know there are patterns of behavior that are common with addicts, but my brother truly is just a little slow. (and yes, i have three brothers, and yes, they are all slow in their own way...i don't know what to tell you...my sister and i hogged all the quickness, i guess...lucky us?...)

anyway...my mother was all falling apart and talking about how she hopes my brother will use this opportunity to improve his life and get on the right track... and i had to remind her that he IS on the right track...that this side trip has to do with something he did a year and a half ago. that he's still all the good stuff she's been telling me she's so proud of. i don't know...stress makes people crazy sometimes...forget the stuff they know. like, all of a sudden she was acting as though my brother did something wrong last weekend...yeah, and i wonder where my brother got this slowness...

so i counseled my mom. i loved her. i supported her. i said kind, honest, "fluffy" stuff to her. and it wasn't easy. because she really pisses me off sometimes....and when she's all stressed about my adult brother's life going wonky, like she's the center or something....it is hard to be so fluffy, er, i mean nice to her. not that my anger changes anything. she's still my mom, i still love her, i still believe the things i said, even if i didn't want to that day...

so why am i talking about this?... because. sometimes people tell themselves you're just a nice person...maybe more evolved....more aware...fluffy. and maybe you hold tight to a belief that you should be honest...that how you treat people should be about what is true...not just what you feel when you are pissed off at them. because being pissed off at someone often says as much about your patience or self esteem or whatever as it does about their character or whatever...usually more, right? but don't think for a minute that being kind is easy. it's not. the fact that some people think it is easy for me to be nice...well, particularly as i was cussing to my sister and crying and yelling to my spouse...strikes me as kind of funny stuff.
peace