gentle morning

this has been an easy going morning. we each woke up on our own. i've made coffee, talked to my sister who was on her way to help my dad board up his house in anticipation of hurricane ike, caught up on email, eaten a little breakfast, hugged each of my children, talked to my niece who has the new baby, read blogs, visited the cyber tribe...

last night was a hard night for a little while. it's been awhile since i felt like i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing as a parent. and i was only there for an hour or so last night. (makes me cringe to remember how i used to spend days there...poor kiddos...poor mama.) but last night, my oldest was so angry. i mean, he'd been angry off and on throughout the day...i think i even blogged about it being kind of cute. but when they got home from rock climbing last night, he was just so pissed. i guess his younger brothers had been pretty loud in the car on the way home and it just set off something in him. he wasn't really sure what it was, either. he just said we had too many people in our house. which i understand...i feel the same way at times. it just gets too loud and i can't think straight...i get a headache. but i pointed out to eldest that he was the only person in our house who had a room all to himself... he ended up taking a shower and eating some soup that dh had made for dinner and then going to bed. and he seems more himself today. i think he slept in a little. i've seen him smile some...

it's hard to watch him get so angry and seem so lost in that anger. i don't want him to feel alone, although i guess in some ways you have to be alone in anger...it's part of what defines it at times. and i think i make him angrier when i don't just leave him alone...sometimes. sigh...nothing's always, huh? it'd be easier if it was...but it's not.

my second born son is also entering his own pre-puberty/puberty is a-coming stage. i can see it in his eyes. i know he'll handle the rush of hormones and emotions differently from his big brother. i think sometimes that's his mission...to be different from his big brother. don't get me wrong, he's a beautiful child...and i sometimes feel myself pull away from him because he is so much like me...and it's beautiful to see me reflected in someone else and horrifying all at the same time. so i try to just focus on him...not the me-ness at all. and i guess this is a motivating factor in all the ego contemplation lately.

whew, i have stopped and started this blog so many times, i'm just going to post it.
peace