heart squeezing

and some gut squeezing, too...

it's just been a crazy 2010. i'm just going to call it that (yes, i know it's may) because this way, i will continue to expect craziness, lose the expectation that i've somehow reached the pinnacle of the craziness, and stop being so winded when things just keep unraveling. i'm typing this with a bit of courage, because i'm not trying to get the place where i lose the expectation for normalcy...i'm there. and it's okay. i've learned in little situations here and there how it can free you to let go of expectations. and i appreciated those lessons. and now, for whatever reason, it seems to be a time to do a little of what we homeschoolers call "drill and kill." rapid fire situations that remind me of yeats' poem the second coming...that spinning gyre, things falling apart, the center cannot hold and all that rot. i don't mean to make it sound like the whole year has gone to hell in a hand basket (frankly, i still don't have a concept of hell in my worldview...well, not yet anyway...hehe). there have been many moments of beauty in this craziness...moments i might not have noticed if i still had my fingers nicely and tightly cramped around a sense of normalcy...whatever the hell normal is anyway. (remember that phrase "the new normal"?...yeah...i'm done with that phrase.) so yes, i will admit there's been much heart squeezing and gut squeezing. i'm wiped out from it all, to tell the truth. but i've also learned that life goes on even when i feel wiped out. and that i can function so much further out of my comfort zone than i ever thought. honestly, i can't even remember where my comfort zone was at the start of this year...

peace