good night, moon

back home. the wedding was beautiful. i really did well focusing on the beauty around me and being grateful for being able to witness it. mario and lindsey will be happy. and many of us will support them as part of our tribe...

tomorrow, packing and cleaning... thank god julie is here to help... prayers to my babies still in our home town. i miss them, but i will work hard til they get here...

oh, and the dogs and rabbits were fine...whew...it's such a weight off my thoughts...

and i got to eat a little jesus...maybe that's why things are okay... and some blessings to my neighbor. jennifer, i am so grateful to have lived next door to you! :)

peace

waffles

so, in this medical school journey, as the schooling part comes to a conclusion and the residency part looms ahead...we've pretty much been of the mind that we know the place we want to be. (not here, it has a very zen sounding name...) anyway, so the other day, N starts talking about how staying here in houston wouldn't be too bad. ooooooookay.... trying to be open minded... breathe... stay calm... listen.... don't shut down, freak out, strike out, yell out... so i thought about it. (that was the request...just think about it, be sure it's what you want) and i thought, nope, the other place is where i would rather be. not that the b.s. that is med school is that straight forward...there has to be this whole fucking match process. and you have to go to a ceremony so that you can receive your match envelope...gag...it's just so fucking fraternity...it makes me angry. i mean, maybe this is why most doctors are pompous asses?!?!...

anyway...so this is all looming ahead. it's a stressful, anxious time. and it's showing. on both of us. so i ask him if he wants to tell me exactly what he feels anxious about... he's finishing four years of med school... he's got four kids and he's 32 years old... he's looking at moving his family again... he's looking at starting a residency, being employed, starting the part of his life where he's responsible for what he does, what he knows, what he doesn't know... so of course, he's anxious about whether the kids are getting enough subjects in homeschooling... GAH!!! suffice to say, i did not handle it well. did not see the encouraging, constructive discussion it was meant to be. did not listen appropriately to his feelings he's entitled to about his children. just took it all so damned personally...ugh... i am not well enough to do this and i am not kind to myself when i realize this crappy fact...

so anyway, happy valentine's day. i've got rabbit litterboxes to empty, and i mean ALL of them. and a house to get ready to move...

peace

just keep swimming...

soooo, the dog's spayed, we're all back home safe and sound, and the president of the rabbit organization resigned while i was gone... life keeps spinning.

it's funny how easy it is to believe the worst of each other. how easy it is to speak poorly of people we hardly know. i know what i'm talking about here, because i can be a really big asshole sometimes. so the rabbit organization is in disarray. people whose only commonality is a love for little fuzzy four-leggeds are just ripping each other to shreds. not that different from the way rabbits behave when they don't like each other...except we're humans and our brains are bigger and i'd hope we'd at least call off the fur pulling before someone gets really hurt. but we all have such different threshholds for pain, you just never know how far some will go... the challenge for me is to remain positive that things will work out. that the higher good in everyone will eventually override the human desire to be the one who's "right"... that our need to get our personal needs met can be replaced with the need to have the group's needs met. to have faith that the two aren't really that different... we shall see. this all sounds pretty lofty to me and there are days i know i probably won't be able to pull it off. (those are the days i will keep myself busy and off of the computer)

i made it through last week. now only one more week til my ultrasound on my breast. maybe then we'll start getting some answers and just GET ON WITH IT...whatever IT is.... i hope it'll be easier to breathe...although probably i should start exercising again to help that out, too... hehe

i think we're going to move. i like the name of the place we're moving to...sounds kind of buddhist... i'm just following the circles of light...

ok, gotta run and find a rhythm for today...
peace