waffles

so, in this medical school journey, as the schooling part comes to a conclusion and the residency part looms ahead...we've pretty much been of the mind that we know the place we want to be. (not here, it has a very zen sounding name...) anyway, so the other day, N starts talking about how staying here in houston wouldn't be too bad. ooooooookay.... trying to be open minded... breathe... stay calm... listen.... don't shut down, freak out, strike out, yell out... so i thought about it. (that was the request...just think about it, be sure it's what you want) and i thought, nope, the other place is where i would rather be. not that the b.s. that is med school is that straight forward...there has to be this whole fucking match process. and you have to go to a ceremony so that you can receive your match envelope...gag...it's just so fucking fraternity...it makes me angry. i mean, maybe this is why most doctors are pompous asses?!?!...

anyway...so this is all looming ahead. it's a stressful, anxious time. and it's showing. on both of us. so i ask him if he wants to tell me exactly what he feels anxious about... he's finishing four years of med school... he's got four kids and he's 32 years old... he's looking at moving his family again... he's looking at starting a residency, being employed, starting the part of his life where he's responsible for what he does, what he knows, what he doesn't know... so of course, he's anxious about whether the kids are getting enough subjects in homeschooling... GAH!!! suffice to say, i did not handle it well. did not see the encouraging, constructive discussion it was meant to be. did not listen appropriately to his feelings he's entitled to about his children. just took it all so damned personally...ugh... i am not well enough to do this and i am not kind to myself when i realize this crappy fact...

so anyway, happy valentine's day. i've got rabbit litterboxes to empty, and i mean ALL of them. and a house to get ready to move...

peace