busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

keeping rolling

i actually got some stuff done last night. it felt good. but then my stupid vacuum cleaner broke, and i started feeling kind of embarrassed by how dependent i am on my vacuum cleaner. but it just makes cleaning up after a family of six so much easier... i'm hoping it's had a change of heart and will work today. here's hoping...

this is a line from a conversation i heard in my home yesterday. my oldest was talking about a wolf spider he'd seen, and my third born figured a wolf spider must be smaller than a tarantula. to explain the size difference, my teenager said, "if spiders were pokemon, a wolf spider would evolve into a tarantula." to which my third born responded, "oh, ok." and that was that. see? adults do not understand these finer nuances of comparison...i would've made it too complicated talking about actual size or something...

and we've decided to skip nationals for rock climbing this year. there were a few tears from the mom and the teen...don't think the dad shed any...but i think we're all pretty good with this decision. bouldering season starts soon and teen's coach thinks teen could probably qualify for speed and sport climbing next year, so... but it's still really hard not sending them on every opportunity they receive an invitation for. sigh... growing up is hard. no matter how old you are.

and i think that is about it. a friend of mine may come visit next week and that makes me happy. bil hung out in my entryway talking til eleven thirty last night...and given the scarcity of grown up interaction lately, that was fun, too. really tiring, but nice. i am also asking the young people in the house to help out with some of these things that just need to get taken care of...and guess what? they are pretty darned cheerful about stepping up. and for all of this and more, i am happy.

peace

resting a little

i was really, really low yesterday. i mean really. and not even high school hormonal. this was much more dignified...this emotional wreck-titude i experienced...snort. but seriously...i was so sad.

i think it's because we had a really busy weekend. i think it's because i worked my butt off volunteering at a rock climbing comp...early mornings...high temperatures...stupid men in charge that act like babies when things get stressful...lots of great, energetic kids...and some awesome speed climbs by my teenager. i...was...s.p.e.n.t. and i didn't see much of my spouse. or my good friend who came up to visit me and ended up hanging out with my two littles so that they wouldn't have to be stuck at a dirty rock gym. (the gym is not especially dirty...but i would like to mention that the ground up rubber that keeps climbers from breaking limbs when they fall three stories from the top of the wall...this rarely happens, but when i does, you know...the rubber creates a rubber dust you breathe while in the gym and makes you have black boogers when you get home, which, in case you can't imagine what that would be like, is freaking gross.)

my point is, i was really low by the end. i hadn't spent much time in the sun. had stopped taking my vitamins for almost a week because i was busy. was eating like absolute crap. and couldn't sleep much either. conditions for the perfect storm, eh?

so yesterday sucked. but there was sun today...and a lovely breeze...it was awesome. there have been vitamins. food has been purchased that has much more to offer than the fried chicken and macaroni and cheese i was so desperately craving all weekend. and after fourteen hours of sleep sunday, i woke up at a fairly decent time this morning, seven, and managed to stay in bed til my sister called me at seven forty...which made me all kinds of happy just by virtue of who she is.

so...rather than try to roll too far to fast with this bit of momentum, i am resting some. i feel the baby kick lots more these days...talk to the bean (i've been calling the baby "ribbit" in my head for some reason...prolly because the u/s at eleven weeks revealed a busy little bee swimming and swimming and swimming, just like a little frog) in my head all the time, too. oh, and we are looking into whether or not we can swing getting our teen to nationals in utah next month, since he received an invitation after his awesome speed climbs. yep...rest is good...

peace

winging it

ever set out to do something, but have no specific ideas, and then find yourself just flying along thinking "how did i get here?" and "hey, this isn't so bad at all..." see, i tend to plan things. whether i discuss my plans with anyone else is a coin toss, but in my mind, i've got a plan...usually...pretty often anyway. but sometimes my plans are kind of dumb and involve frustration and anger...like, yes, i actually plan on being frustrated or angry. it's not that i plan to muster the emotion just for the occasion, but if i'm making a plan and i know something is unavoidable, well, then, sometimes the accompanying anger or frustration might be unavoidable and should be taken into consideration and, you know, be made part of the plan...i'm just saying it's possible...

anyway...this is not about me saying this is the right way to be, or a good way to be, or even a way that works for me often. to the contrary, this is a post about winging it... i didn't wing it on purpose today. i just knew, going to robotics, that anything i could plan would not particularly be something i'd want to have happen, probably. (yes, there's still some tension on that front...but it's working itself out, thank god, or else i might have tried to work it out and really screwed things up...but i digress) so i went with no expectations. this is new for me. well, new like in the past couple of years or maybe just the last year, i don't know...i'm not marking time anymore, thankyouverymuch... anyway...today worked itself out pretty darned well. and even the things that irritated me, when i tried to tell them to my sister later, i couldn't even muster up enough righteous indignation to make them come off well...shrug.

so cheers to winging it...having no expectations...whatever you want to call it. it served me well today and for that, i am grateful.

oh, and i am practicing listening this year (a resolution-ish type thing)...so...something i heard today...(yes, i'm going to try to do this regularly)...i heard the sound of an auto belay (rock climbing speak) clanging into itself because my ten year old didn't get it clipped into the floor anchor before it belayed itself right on up to the mother belay. now, this is not that big of a deal, really, it's not. but no one in my family has let go of an auto belay before and the fact that today was the day, in front of my robotics team, with a few extra guys along, and after the rock climbing gym guy had said it could cost us nine hundred dollars to replace the auto belay should it not work properly if it should not get clipped in and belay itself to the top...well, this was just the crappiest day of all for this to happen... ten year old cried. and hated crying in front of everyone, i know. made the whole experience all the crappier. and in that way i can relate to him. but he is so much more resilient than i ever had any idea was possible. hearing the belay clang may not seem like a big deal, but i was really glad i didn't ignore it...it would've been a rough situation to catch up on and i was grateful to be able to be there, goofy as it sounds.

peace

it's getting better

the muscles are finally ending their loud, painful protest. the foot?...uh, no. but it'll get there... and i guess i'll just have to stay off the treadmill til it gets better...sigh...(muwahahaha)

there's another shirt i thought of that i saw...in my dreams, i'm a kenyan...i think i need this sticker. or the one that says marathon ho, i'm not sure which.

today was good. it was our last day for the semester in co-op. i'm still amazed at how difficult it was to put together and how easily it ran...and continues to run. and i love the kids. i mean like toe curling love the kids. it's a blast.

the kids and rock climbing...there's a class of college kids that climb at that gym after the homeschool class. today was their final. there was a route marked, and the last holds were graded...match here for an 80....match here for an 85. they moved in five point increments to the last hold, which i must say was a bitch of a reach, up to 100. my oldest son got to 100...with all the college kids watching, mouths agape. he really climbs quite gracefully and has a fair amount of technique to draw on. his eyes were lit up afterward. and i have to temper myself...i don't want him to crow like a rooster, but i can't deny him the sensation of being thrilled with his accomplishment. i might end up turning him into me if i do that...no, introspection is not always warm and fuzzy...bla my second born scored a ninety on the route...not bad for a ten year old, hey? and the nine year old scored an eighty. but i think that's probably because he went first...headstrong, pushy child that he is. they also did this really crazy, really cool work out today. the rock climbing instructors are learning to loosen up, broaden what they're teaching, and really make it fun (and relevant) for these kids. it's a blast watching and i know the kids are loving it.

and then there's still the college thing. teenager still wants to go. i guess that will be my primary job tomorrow...scheduling the things that need to happen to get him there. it still feels kind of weird.

and my spouse...i have been avoiding a lot of this discussion because...well, a lot of reasons. it is tender. it is old. it is repetitive. it is huge, it is not so huge all at the same time. it confuses me. it challenges me, too. it feels sometimes like a brick wall that i run into, knocking the wind out of me. other times it feels like a phantom i've dreamt up and isn't real at all. and i think i'm about talked out on that for now....

ok, teenager has friends over. all the sons get so excited when there are more males here to spend the night. it gets kind of loud. it requires much food. it reminds me of another marathon shirt i saw sunday...this sounded like a good idea three months ago.
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace

quick thoughts

quick only because i am tired and don't have the energy to make them longer...or the energy to come up with one cohesive-ish post.

let's start with today...at ten, the rock climbing gym called to find out why we weren't there ready to go on the outdoor climbing trip today. uhm, yeah, i was wondering why they didn't mention that last week... so we throw on clothes and head out. it was a freaking blast. and i cannot tell you how happy it made me to spend a day sweating outdoors, watching my kids do great things, overcome fear, gain confidence in themselves..."trust yourself" is what the teachers always tell them. well, that and "i'm right here under you...i've got your spot".... it was cool. they really committed themselves to some really hard climbs. and they didn't make them all, but wow, they were awesome. it was wonderful...

also while we were there, another mama went looking around for a bit, and came back and to show little bit and i this tree snake she'd found. man, i am doing so well in overcoming my absolute terror of snakes... i went and we saw this tree snake. he was cute....green...not very big. little bit thought it was pretty cool. all the kids went and saw it. it was cool...very exotic for texas, i thought.

so now we're home...cooling off and taking turns showering off. and shoving food into our faces. we finished all our water, all our apples, and our fritos, too. (hey, it was a last minute deal...)

ok, a thought i've been working on... my best friend in high school used to have this sign in her room that said "if i tell you who i am, you may not like who i am, and that is all i have." i've thought about that a lot. it probably pretty much defined a lot of how i operated for much of my life. but the other day it occurred to me...well, no, if you don't like who i am, i still have who i am....right? and if that's not enough, then maybe instead of working to please whoever is not liking who i am, i should figure out why who i am isn't enough for me. and for what it's worth, i don't think it's because i don't like myself or whatever. i just think i've spent a lot of my life pleasing others and that pleasing others is a large part of who i am. but i have to be okay with the things i choose to do and let go of the others....in order to be okay with me and not thrown off every time someone isn't pleased with me...at least this is what i'm thinking right now. i'm a learn on your feet kind of woman...

maybe i'll come back later for a little more...after i shower...and rest...what an awesome day.
peace