and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

some things

i am tired. i do not sleep very well when my spouse works nights. i mean, eventually, after enough nights of night sleeping well, i will just pass the hell out. but even then, i'm usually so dead asleep i wake up with a crick in my neck or my shoulder all out of whack. i just walk around from about six o'clock on looking for that other part of me... (aww, how sweet...but seriously, it gets old)

speaking of my spouse...when he became an ob/gyn, i had no idea what this would mean for our relationships with the women in our families and lives. the information we would suddenly become privy to...the questions we'd be asked...discussions that would arise...confidences we would enter into. i would like to think that, in some ways, this will really enhance my sons' understanding of women, their ability to appreciate the depth of the experience...and not just women on the t.v. screen or women you read about or, even worse sometimes, hear about...but women they love and have been loved by...aunts, cousins...

i am starting to have periods of feeling like i just might have my head wrapped around this whole "i am pregnant and will have a baby in november" idea...for awhile i was thinking "maybe i'll have a kitten...a kitten would be nice..." (i think that meant my head wasn't so wrapped around the idea...) i have an ultrasound next week. and almost everyone i know has insisted i find out the sex. and although i am a huge people pleaser by nature, i'm really kind of leaning toward not finding out. but i am having a hard time committing to much in this vein that has taken over my life in so many ways...so the decision is probably, in all reality, still wide open at this point.

oh, and rabies vaccinations. this is a subject i could talk about forever...almost as interesting to me as the last election for some reason. it all started when my youngest was bitten in the face by a stray dog a few years back...what a fiasco. i mean, it went fairly smoothly...but emotionally, i was wrecked. i mean, sure, i was worried about my kid...reading about rabies, even though you know the dog probably did not have rabies and therefore your child really probably does not have rabies, but just reading about it, and how, you know, deadly it is...and how much the treatment sucks...was enough to do.me.in. and then i had all this guilt that this woman had to pay to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out...only she didn't have to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out, she had to do it because her dog wasn't up to date on his vaccinations...which really sucked because my dogs were up to date on theirs, but i couldn't judge her for not having her dog up to date...it's one of those goofy laws that i could totally see myself breaking either by choice based on principal against over vaccinating dogs against rabies or, you know, just because i forgot. anyway...i just find rabies discussions fascinating. but i don't think they make such great coffee table topics... and i am stuck on this because i took my dogs to the vet today. this is normally a task i dread, but by the grace of a great vet, i usually end up glad i did it. today wasn't so much like that...you know, grace-filled. the vet wasn't awful...but not my favorite either. so much not my favorite that i didn't even ask her what she thought about rabies vaccinations...nyeh.

and there...i think i have purged my brain for now. i do miss my spouse...and i don't see myself as overly dependent on him. (we've been having this discussion in my cyber-tribe about being overly-anything...and generally, it just doesn't feel like compliment...we were also having a rabies discussion, but almost all my conversations in real life these days start out with, "on my mama board we were talking about...." so maybe i should not base my blog on these threads, too.) anyway...i think i'm a pretty independent woman. but i do miss the guy i sleep with every night. and it's not just the sex. really. i mean it.

peace

hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

blah

i'm not totally blah...just kind of off and on blah....just wanted to clarify that.

i was kind of pissed at my husband. he brought home a six pack of beer a few days ago. now, i've never been one of those "i can't drink so you can't drink" kind of wives when i'm pregnant. well, i never thought i was. truth is, he's always been one of those "you can't drink so i won't drink" kind of husbands. but apparently, he doesn't feel like being that kind of husband anymore. and so now, i realize i'm kind of one of those "icdsycd" wives...are you with me on the shorthand? i'd really like to be one of those "hey, it's no big deal, drink away" kind of wives...i would. but being pregnant at thirty-five with a teen and at the end of this freaking eternal med school/residency thing...i'm just not one of those. i tried it on for a day or two and nope, it just wasn't my thing. made me feel like one of those "laugh it up fuzzball...drink you ass off...and i'll kill you while you sleep" kind of wives. well, just a little bit, but i prefer not to be one of those types of wives at all if i can possibly avoid it. and i am avoiding it. i sent the beer to my bil's house. (who had the freaking nerve to tell me, on his brother's behalf, that nine months is a long time...oh? really? i had no fucking clue....) oops...feeling a little bitter here...

so, it's not like bringing home a six pack was unforgivable. i'm really working on forgiveness. (forgivishness...forgot all about it until this very second...doh) it's more that feeling of we might be in this together, but really, it's on me. but maybe i'm just hormonal...and the truth is that as much as this bothers me at times, i just don't feel like thinking all that much about it. but i can't deny, when i see my spouse, right now, my general feeling is just sort of blah...with a hint of forgivishness.

peace

diversity

she wears me out sometimes....

my dad has always told me variety is the spice of life. the times i've continued to whine, he usually tells me that the world would be a boring place if we all thought the same things...to which i usually respond that it could be a little less of a cluster fuck if we weren't so damned different. it caught me off guard on mother's day when my mother told me the same thing...that the world would be pretty miserable if everyone was the same. now, these parents gave birth to me, so they have that in common. but not so much in common outside of that...and even when it comes to me, our relationships are so, so very different. so there was something kind of cosmic about both of my parents (who have not lived together since about five months after i was born) telling me this.

and i usually embrace diversity. it's something i love about life...for the most part. so why do i whine about it all the time?... i guess it just wears me out sometimes. or maybe i can take it in smallish doses, but when a huge dose comes at me, it's tiring. i don't know.

having a spouse who is an ob/gyn is another thing that wears me out. there are so many "morally ambiguous" issues in ob/gyn. "hi honey, how was your day?" can lead to the most challenging discussions...and when you were just asking a question to create some conversation while you're finishing up dinner prep or resting for a minute before you start the next thing...it can be challenges you just don't feel up to. because my spouse and i are pretty diverse. we don't always see eye to eye on these morally ambiguous issues. and while we both try to embrace diversity and often appreciate it, it is not something we particularly enjoying uncovering in our own relationship...and i can at least say i think we both agree on that point...neither of us enjoys it in our relationship. well, when it comes to these issues. it's hard because he is still a baby baby doctor...still young in finding his groove in this career. he loves it, i'm pretty sure. i don't think i've ever seen him more content. but these gray areas are still new to him and he's still finding his feelings and ideas about practicing and handling these issues. and i don't think it particularly helps him out when his wife doesn't agree with or challenges his choices. but i'm not challenging them because i want to challenge him...most of this stuff i've never even thought about. and it's hard stuff. things no one really wants to think about. so maybe i should try to listen and then go sort out my feelings with someone else... i don't know.

diversity is beautiful...it is. but it is challenging. and challenge has to be the goal...otherwise, we just stay frozen, right? and i know after i run a half marathon, i expect to rest the next day. but after one of these half marathon conversations, which i rarely have time to actually train for, i don't always expect to rest...but i usually need to. let things heal up and get a little stronger. it's how we respond to challenge. i need to just learn to embrace that, now...

peace

swimming

or treading water...

hormones are amazing things...propelling our bodies forward...preparing them for what the future holds...even when our brains just can't wrap around the future.

yesterday was such a blue kind of day. ugh. but today's a little better. i mean, it's early yet...i guess i could still go either way, but i'm feeling like it'll be a little better. yesterday, nothing was making it better. well, i didn't actually buy any fried chicken, so that may have made it better, i guess i'll never know... but it was just one of those "sit in it" kind of days...because i just wasn't motivated to do anything. and i was a little worried... but then i thought about how i'd probably feel better if i just went to bed early. and it was kind of hard. because my spouse and second born left for four days this morning...and i really wanted to be in a better place the night before...but sometimes i want blue or brown eyes or cooler weather or to have a bigger house and, well, wanting it doesn't just change what is. so i went to bed early. and woke up again and again thinking surely my spouse had fallen asleep on a floor somewhere and would be late meeting the other dad and robo-kiddo going on the trip. but i'd find him getting his stuff together somewhere...probably enjoying that i wasn't tsking or sighing every time he'd reach for something he wanted to take that i didn't think he needed, wanting us to go to bed at a decent hour, being frustrated he was keeping us up. (i guess i have some stuff to work on there...when i'm not always exhausted and feel the need to stay up and be "helpful"....)

so i woke up in a better mood today. woke the whole house up to say good-bye to our family members who'd be gone. wish them luck. tell them how much fun they'd have. (ok, my spouse wasn't the one who needed all the reassurance...second born was a little nervous about the whole thing...and rightfully so...this is big stuff...exciting, cool, fun stuff...i'm thrilled for him)

i'm actually kind of glad my spouse will be gone for awhile. sometimes, when i'm having a rough time, i want him to help me out. which is nice and he tries, but when i'm feeling really low, he's really no help. he doesn't know what to do. he wants to help me the way i want the house clean...i really, really want it...i know it will make lots of things better and it's important to me...but there are so many more attractive distractions and i really only get around to doing something about it a fraction of the time i wish i did. and i'm okay with this. i don't particularly like wading into the depths of my spouse's personal shit, anymore than i like cleaning bathrooms. so it's good for him to leave for a bit, so i can find my own feet again. i just wrote about depression being a hole we fall down, down, down in...waiting for someone or something to grab us and stop the descent...and it's not until we realize that we're the ones that have to stop it by standing on our own two feet that we actually stop sinking lower. i realized that last night. that with dh leaving, i'd probably find my feet. and it was good. i mean, it's not like i had to kick him out...we already had this trip planned...good stuff. things working out, and all that jazz.

there are a lot of things i am working through, i guess. and the extra hormones are making it all feel like i'm trying to do this in fog and on drugs or something. i don't know... plus i think i have allergies going on, but i'm in denial, which means i'm not doing my neti pot, which means i'm having allergies and not helping myself...what is that mechanism??? it's so not helpful but so deeply ingrained in me. anyway...i'm actually using my writing journal lately. i guess some stuff is kind of deep and feels too raw to put on a blog. i'd like to think if i air a bit, look it over on paper, i'd find it not so big and scary and go ahead and write about it here. i've stopped writing much at all, and i'm sure that's not helping me either. i also need to get back on the treadmill regularly...but i think these are probably things i'll move back towards...now that i've got a few days on my own...where who's responsible for what is a little clearer. i'm optimistic...and that itself feels like sunshine.

peace

breathing

yes, i'm still around. yes, i've been thinking about lots. no, there hasn't been time to blog about any of it. yes, i've already forgotten most of it. i'm just still so tired these days.

it feels funny talking about being pregnant. i mean, i am and stuff...i know this. but after not telling anyone for...six weeks?...it's just kind of weird being out of the closet. i feel like i don't even remember how to do this. if my stomach's empty, i'm nauseous. if i eat too much, i'm nauseous. and i am not doing a very good job of finding the balance. and it doesn't help that food is just so appealing these days. a fried egg on a piece of toast this morning almost made me cry it was so good...but then lots of things almost make me cry. it is fun trying to hold my head up and maintain some dignity when i feel kind of silly that everything, for one reason or another, makes me want to cry. but i don't cry...much...

it was funny. last night, my spouse walked in the door...and it's just been such a busy semester (yada yada) and we'd had a busy weekend with friends visiting and the kids were grumpy and the teen was angsty and attitudinal and dh walked in at just the moment that i was thinking i'd really like to just cry about this to him. do you understand how rare that is? for him to actually walk in the door at the minute i'm thinking about talking to him? this almost never happens. so when i saw him, i started crying. (i'm cracking up at myself here) and he said, "oh, i'm sorry, i can leave if you want..." and that made me cry more. it was kind of sweet and pathetic and i'm just glad that moment's over.

yeah, so that's where i am. and the semester is really pretty much over. i don't have to spend six hours on the road picking my teen up from his dual enrollment class anymore. today was his last day. yes, this makes me so happy i want to cry. but tomorrow is also the last day of co-op for the semester. and the next day is the last piano lesson til the fall. and the last soccer practice of the season got rained out. and i cannot even begin to express in words how different this feels. like the lightening off my chest almost hurts, it's so huge... and the feeling of freedom truly is just about intoxicating. i am very proud of all we accomplished this school year...it was an incredible ride. we worked damned hard and, yes, it makes me cry to think about how impressed i am with my kiddos...and myself, too. but i am so, so, SO looking forward to resetting a few priorities...getting back to center in the home...with the family...preparing for the new arrival, taking care of each other, and doing some reading and artsy stuff together, playing lots outside, seeing folks we love.

yeah, i'm wiping a tear or two. :)
peace

ps--am i the only one who thinks it's weird that spell check flagged "angsty" but not "attitudinal"? just wondering...

fun times

what a great weekend...

got to see my niece. she's home from the hospital. she's gorgeous...and i don't think i feel that way because she's my niece. i mean, i think even if she was a stranger on the street, i'd be pretty smitten. she looks great. i'm really happy for her parents that all their kiddos are at home, together, where they belong...no more parts of their heart scattered....that comes much, much later.

i had so much fun hanging out with my in laws. they're such great, smart people. i especially appreciate when we have a little time alone with them and they can share their wisdom...in really subtle, but warm ways. i miss them more than i realize.

actually, i think we miss all of our family more than we realize. but it is awesome to go back and hang out. we got to see our grand niece. and our nieces and nephews...brothers, sisters...everyone else. it was good times....really good times.

hey, guess what? my oldest plays the guitar. ha! ok, ok...i knew he'd been messing around on it in his room. his dad had even checked out the complete idiot's handbook to guitars and the guitar hero song book for him at the library two weeks ago (or was it longer? crap...i hate late fees). but my spouse and i were pretty shocked when teenager sat down and started playing with his aunt as she was practicing the music for easter mass. so guess what? even though i felt a little concerned that i was letting him get too rock n roll...and even though he'd never expressed any interest in being a part of mass other than sitting and zoning out (oh, and eating a little jesus...he has taken his first communion)...he played the guitar with the family choir (in front of the whole church) for easter mass. wow...

ok...i now have to go empty my car from our weekend travels to get it ready for travel to the world festival. we also have robotics in three hours, so i should probably get my ass in gear. we still need to pack and do tons of other things i am forgetting, i'm sure. but when we get back, we will be that much closer to april, and this semester, being finished. i am so ready for the rest....

peace

powerful stuff

i tell you, you ask people to send some prayers for someone, and great things happen.

my aunt's doing really well. she's back, according to my mom. she knows who she is, where she is, who the folks around her are. good stuff. not sure if the meningitis was bacterial or viral. she's getting better and they are giving her antibiotics...but nothing grew out in her cultures. so...i'm inclined to believe it's viral and improving with antibiotics is just coincidental. my mom agrees. (she's a clinical nurse specialist in oncology...we love working out these little details in our heads together...doctors aren't too concerned with the specifics because she's improving...but we LOVE mindfucking, er, i mean going over the details...) so thank you for all those prayers...i know some awesome pray-ers, i'm pretty sure.

and my niece...she should be going home today, which is five days early, if you're counting. the nicu she stayed in (which is also the one my thirdborn stayed in when he made his appearance a bit early, you know, like five weeks early) has a policy that the parents must spend the last night there at the hospital with baby before baby is discharged. mostly it's so they can learn any equipment or dressing changes or whatever. but, as we learned with our son, even when none of that is an issue, they still want you to stay that night before discharge. so my bil and sil stayed the night last night and everyone should be heading home today. good stuff... hoping i can see her at easter, but thinking probably not. and because i remember how tender a mama is once she brings her little one home after that little one has spent the first week or weeks of life in a box and not in mama's arms...i'm okay with that.

so we will travel home for an evening to celebrate easter with my spouse's family. after he finishes his research project presentation today. and we go to the dinner for this thing tonight. ("you can't be overdressed for it, marci"...this does not instill confidence in me...ugh) then we come home from traveling, have two nights at home, and then we're off to the fll world festival til next sunday. as excited as i am to be able to do this, i am really looking forward to when this is done. i'm ready to be a little bored for awhile. i want to soak in boredom....bathe in it....roll around in it. then i want to pick things to do spontaneously...because i can....because there isn't already something on my calendar for that day, that moment.

almost there, my little smurfs.

peace

forgivishness

i love this word. it's an anne lamott word. the title of a section of her book of essays called grace (eventually). i was thinking about forgiveness and how necessary it is, but how difficult it can be when you're still feeling pretty pissed off. and then this word jumped out at me from the page and i laughed and thought, "well, of course! there's the step between where i am now and forgiveness that i was leaving out...now i can do this..." anne can really be there for me sometimes...

i was talking to my friend christian about it last night and telling him about that buddhist saying about how holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal...it only burns you. and one of the things i love most about this man are the moments like last night when he says, "yes, you want to let go of the coal and forgive the other person...but you'd really like to let go of the coal so that it lands on the other person's head, right?" he is so wise. he helps me find my way back to the me i want to be...but with lots of laughing along the way, which makes it pleasant and not seem like hard work...it also leaves me feeling very loved, and not like it's me, alone, against the me i don't want to be. and then i listen to him go on about the $500 prada sneakers he wants, so i feel like i'm able to be there for him, too.

my husband and i planted our strawberry plants and three blueberry bushes yesterday. all that's coming up in our garden right now is some beans and a few tomato plants. it's gotten a little colder, so it's kind of slow going, but at least the sun's cooperating, so maybe not as slow as it could be.

and i also drove around yesterday singing this song at the top of my lungs with my sons, which is fun and amusing and liberating all at the same time...



forgiveness can be hard work, but with this extra forgivishness step in there and people to help out along the way, it can be quite rewarding.

peace

hey guess what?

the indigo girls have a new cd coming out...great joyous dancing... my sister called me while i was in san francisco to tell me they'd be in austin in may. i really want to go, but i have a feeling my spouse will give me that look that says, "we can't afford to do something so frivolous." and if you think i'd be misinterpreting the look, i'm sure right after he gives me the look, he'll say something like, "that's a lot of money to spend on concert tickets"...sigh...he has such clearly delineated lines when it comes to stuff like that.

but if you go to amazon, you can listen to little snippets of the songs...i KNOW we can at least afford the damned cd. :)

peace

frustration

i'd like to work passed it, so i will just get some out in this here blog...

communication...my spouse says, "i'm sorry you're disappointed." i say, "don't apologize to me for my emotions." (i felt this was an important distinction) he said, "i'm sorry i disappointed you." now, i wasn't disappointed. well, i guess you could say i was, because disappointment is a very broad emotion, but it is not what i would've chosen as my emotional state. also, i wouldn't have held him singularly responsible for my emotional state either, but didn't really feel, at this point in the too long conversation we'd been having that he'd find that particularly relevant either. my spouse likes to choose his words...and once they've been chosen, getting him to change course in his thoughts is like trying to change the course of a river with toothpicks...it is difficult...and after a lengthy "discussion," i just didn't have the energy. plus, i realize that he does not worry about soothing me when i've disappointed him. and perhaps in my rush to be sure he's not being too hard on himself when i've let him know he's disappointed me, i've made it so that he's untouched by it... well, not untouched and really, i'll never know how much my disappointment affects him...he'll probably never really know either. but i just thought i'd let him rest with the emotion for a little bit and have some confidence in his ability to work through emotions...the same way he has confidence we'll work through whatever he throws our way...whether he's saying what he thinks or just some made up bullshit...whichever... (ok, that was a little more bitter than i wanted it to sound...obviously i have some work to do on this one...and i'm working on it...i am....)

robotics...let me just say that my teenager is handling the tension there better than i am. i just don't understand why my co-coach feels the need to be so directive. it's like she's driving the bus and our team is in the backseat, cutting up, throwing spitballs, you know...all the stuff kids do in the backseat. and these guys are old enough to drive. well, not a car...but themselves in preparing for this competition. she doesn't give them a chance to appreciate what they've accomplished and then set the next goal. she just keeps pushing. and i feel like none of them really give much of a shit anymore. hell, i'm having a hard time mustering a flying fart about it lately...

parenting...i don't know why, but this has been a challenge lately. it's like, there's kindness and that's all good and well, but let's be funny, because that's more important than kindness. let's be sarcastic and competitive and put each other down...but all in good fun, right? which requires some kindness, but i feel like people only want to put forth the minimum amount of kindness needed to have good will when they really want to be shitty. all this, "he needs to know the truth" or "i care about him and he needs to be tough." i get tired of this. and after having six males under my care for this past week, plus my spouse popping in to add his own testosterone, i'm a little d.o.n.e with it. why can't people just be kind? why is that wimpy or whatever? my nephew has this illusion of being self-sufficient and strong and adaptable...and those are good things, but the idea that he doesn't need anyone...and that he's frustrated and weak when he does...i felt good i could listen and mostly just love him, even when his words made me want to puke. why can't people just admit they need other people? not to wipe your nose or your ass, but just a shared existence? whatever that is for whoever we're talking about...and yes, i guess some folks do in fact need someone to wipe their nose or their ass and there is nothing wrong with that, either. i need to buy this tshirt that says "we're here to get over our disillusion of separateness" or something like that. but it's this yucky blue color, so i haven't. but it is hard to parent young men who are able to dialogue and be kind to one another...who can joke around, but who watch the other person's face to see if it's too much, or just listen to the other person's words if they ask my guys to stop. to be responsive to another person, i guess is what i'm trying to say. it would be nice to be able to do this with someone who valued kindness and self-accountability the same way. oh, i know i sound all high and mighty in this, and i don't mean to. i am not perfect, that's for damned sure. but i do value kindness and i wish sometimes i could parent with someone who valued that as highly as i do, that's all...

i think that's really about it...or at least the high points. there are other things i am working on in myself...trying to be a little more independent. not totally independent...yes, i read what i write...but to change my own self accountability, not to my kids, but in my internal life, maybe...i don't know how to say it. i am also trying very hard to take care of myself...not necessarily in a pure way...moderation...this is my theme for this year, but i'll write about that later. but i am trying to run a little every other day, work out as often, and take my vitamins more regularly. i'm also going to be journaling more often, whether here on my blog or in my paper journal. i am ready to begin taking a more steady approach in maintaining a healthy balance in life.

hey, so in the interest of balance, one good thing today...i got to visit with a friend this afternoon when i picked my boys up from her house. (dh had dropped them off) i hadn't seen her in awhile, and she has family visiting, but it was good to see her. and she reminded me we're not too far from all those nice, normal things we used to do on a regular basis starting up again....relief.

peace

playing

i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?
peace

it's the wine talking

so, i went to a christmas party for dh's work, department, whatever. sat at the end of the table with and older doc (who turned out to be the chairman of the department) and his wife and got morbidly intense over education, poverty, politics, and entitlement. but dh says no worries because the chairman has no sense of humor, is always morbidly intense, so i guess it wasn't just me! woo!

i was pretty pissed about tonight, though. dh had mentioned it a couple of times and had talked about putting it on my calendar, but, uh, well, never did. so when he called after work today (and after this thing had already started) to ask if i remembered, i was a little put out. but i sucked it up, vented to my cyber tribe (which always has the BEST STUFF to say, i have to tell you), and put on some make up and went. oh, and it was a wine tasting christmas thing, so that helped... now i'm home and waiting for ten o'clock to roll around...

but i wanted to put this mandela quote out here...

Only free men can negotiate; prisoners cannot enter into contracts. Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.

i think the dalai lama would be quite pleased with this statement. maybe mandela was a little buddhist, too? i think sometimes i get confused about the idea of dependence arising because i always think "dependent on what?" as though it would be dependent on some alien thing completely different from me or anything i could imagine. but this quote made me think about the inter-relatedness of things...which i am not sure if this is the same as dependence arising, but it sounds similar and that's what sparked my thoughts tonight. and i really loved the quote, too.

yes corey...i often think too much. i cannot tell you how much i loved you saying that today...dh was floored by how well you know me.

peace friends

it's getting better

the muscles are finally ending their loud, painful protest. the foot?...uh, no. but it'll get there... and i guess i'll just have to stay off the treadmill til it gets better...sigh...(muwahahaha)

there's another shirt i thought of that i saw...in my dreams, i'm a kenyan...i think i need this sticker. or the one that says marathon ho, i'm not sure which.

today was good. it was our last day for the semester in co-op. i'm still amazed at how difficult it was to put together and how easily it ran...and continues to run. and i love the kids. i mean like toe curling love the kids. it's a blast.

the kids and rock climbing...there's a class of college kids that climb at that gym after the homeschool class. today was their final. there was a route marked, and the last holds were graded...match here for an 80....match here for an 85. they moved in five point increments to the last hold, which i must say was a bitch of a reach, up to 100. my oldest son got to 100...with all the college kids watching, mouths agape. he really climbs quite gracefully and has a fair amount of technique to draw on. his eyes were lit up afterward. and i have to temper myself...i don't want him to crow like a rooster, but i can't deny him the sensation of being thrilled with his accomplishment. i might end up turning him into me if i do that...no, introspection is not always warm and fuzzy...bla my second born scored a ninety on the route...not bad for a ten year old, hey? and the nine year old scored an eighty. but i think that's probably because he went first...headstrong, pushy child that he is. they also did this really crazy, really cool work out today. the rock climbing instructors are learning to loosen up, broaden what they're teaching, and really make it fun (and relevant) for these kids. it's a blast watching and i know the kids are loving it.

and then there's still the college thing. teenager still wants to go. i guess that will be my primary job tomorrow...scheduling the things that need to happen to get him there. it still feels kind of weird.

and my spouse...i have been avoiding a lot of this discussion because...well, a lot of reasons. it is tender. it is old. it is repetitive. it is huge, it is not so huge all at the same time. it confuses me. it challenges me, too. it feels sometimes like a brick wall that i run into, knocking the wind out of me. other times it feels like a phantom i've dreamt up and isn't real at all. and i think i'm about talked out on that for now....

ok, teenager has friends over. all the sons get so excited when there are more males here to spend the night. it gets kind of loud. it requires much food. it reminds me of another marathon shirt i saw sunday...this sounded like a good idea three months ago.
peace

observing

i've noticed something about myself...i'm getting better at observing my emotions without putting myself in the middle of them, rubbing them into my hair, and wearing them as though they identify me.

i don't know when i noticed this, so i definitely don't know when i actually started stepping back from my feelings a bit and learning to observe them without identifying myself by them. it was interesting last night because i felt kind of crappy. some moments i sort of felt like crying, others i felt like no one really understands me ever, and then every now and then i just felt like my family sucked. i never really jumped into any of those or felt them very deeply. i was aware of them, but figured i was probably just tired and irritable and so i mostly ignored them.

well, later i was talking to my spouse...kind of relating what i've written here. i was telling him that i was having a sinus headache and had just started my period and that my emotions were probably somewhat related to those events. but then i told him that really, as i'd been starting my period (because now that i'm over 30, it takes a few days to actually get the process started for me), what i'd truly noticed, outside of emotions or feelings or whatever...in the way of things that were not emotional or behavioral...was that my back was sore, i felt tired, my head hurt a little, and i tend to ache in my left ovary, which i do get tired of and irritable about. the rest of my pms, i venture, is learned and habitual. this is what i'm thinking anyway...

there's a lot of potential in that thought, but frankly, i'm too tired to develop it right now. i'm content to know that my family in fact does not suck, some people do indeed understand at least a little of me, and the crying? well, i suspect it would've helped if i would've just let myself do it without a particular problem in mind, but either way it's alright...

and he didn't mind as we listened to brandi carlile as we fell asleep last night... <3
peace

rolling along

went to see the-rapist yesterday. (was it yesterday? yeah...yesterday was monday, right?) and that was good. nothing major that i needed help working on...just went through a bunch of stuff. she listened. commented when she felt like it. i listened. it was good stuff...

spent yesterday cleaning my house up. well, first i ran errands with my eldest. (who my youngest calls the teenager) bought plants for his experiment for biology, dog food and rabbit food, and then ice cream. just the essentials, you know? THEN i cleaned house. and bathed my dogs. just the little one, really. the big one is, well, too big and i don't like to bathe her a lot. so eldest brushed her while i bathed the little dog, miss kitty. now they're inside, which is where they belong, but since moving a year and a half ago, it has not been a smooth transition for the dogs. we have carpet and it's just generally sucked trying to bring them in. and then i get tired or overwhelmed and the dogs keep living outside, only coming in at night, which is not the way we roll. but it has been the way we've been rolling...so we've not been rolling very well, very true. and bringing the dogs in helped that. (why does it seem i was spiraling around this concept? spreading it out further and further, making it longer and longer, getting near the point, but then making another loop?...i dont' know...maybe it's just me.)

i sort of prepared for co-op last night. and i helped my children get all of their homework done. mostly it was eldest who had homework. it has just been so busy. and there's my spouse, all

"so why are we doing this so late on monday night?"
and i'm like, "don't be an ass."
and he says, "well, i don't mean to be an ass and i realize it's not really inspirational, but it needs to be said so that he'll think about this next time."
and so i say, "yeah? when do you think you'll get to your research project due this year, dear? last minute like your whole life? maybe some people will think about it but others are just looking for their chance to be the ass, ok?"
and we laugh. (thank god we laughed...hehe)

today was co-op. and rock climbing. the rock climbing teacher is trying to find a way to get eldest on their climbing team. it is entirely too expensive for us to finance this. we are stretching ourselves to remain members of the gym and let the kids take the class. but he was commenting on what a graceful climber eldest is. graceful. he's been my kid his whole life and i don't think he's ever done a thing that someone would call graceful. he has always been so challenged in balance and gross motor stuff. but he does climb gracefully. with this big old body he's growing...i mean big young body he's growing, it's like his wings are finally in.

and that is the best part about rolling along right now. when they were babies, i remember not wanting to look away from them for a minute...fearful i'd miss something. i wanted to absorb it all, remember it all, be there to see and feel it all...mostly because i had a sense of how fleeting it was. and when i'd see other babies, i'd remember mine being babies, too..and that sense. but now i look at them, and i feel remarkably the same way. like i need to memorize every aspect of them because they are growing and they are changing...they are becoming their own people...in ways so different from when they were babies...deeper...more complex. listening to their words, hearing their humor, watching their eyes. this is all so fleeting, too. i enjoy my children in ways i never anticipated. they are amazing people. i am so proud of them and happy for them. they are not perfect...and indeed, their imperfections and how they handle that are some of the things i'm most amazed by. i guess we hold on to these times because we don't know what the future holds. but so far, the future's been a good place. and we just keep rolling along...

peace

beauty

the weekend was crazy full of it...

the women whose ceremony we attended were beautiful. my friend from high school, patsy, has always been gorgeous. and she wasn't backing down on her wedding day, let me tell you. she and her partner were lovely.

the group of people assembled to support these two women...again...it was a beautiful thing. amazing. i get a lump in my throat all over again thinking about it.

our friend who sang...more beauty. her best friend that we got to meet...again...beautiful person.

hanging out with my spouse...now this one surprised me for some reason. but we had so much fun... i didn't realize how long it had been. well, a night away together sans kids...this was our first. but we haven't even really been out on a date in awhile. and these women kept telling us how cute we were together...how perfect for each other we are. it was hilarious. and flattering, too, i must admit. we would look at each other..."wow! did you hear that? do we really still have it?..." it was so....healing.

so all in all, we're staying with the gift that keeps on giving theme on the weekends. it was a lovely wedding/commitment ceremony for two very beautiful people...and the love and the warmth and the goodness that was the sum total of all assembled in honor of and for the cause of and inspired by these women....well, that was just a testimony to the good that just is. and it just keeps going...can't seem to help itself.

so here are some lyrics to the song i posted earlier that i was gifted last weekend. the story, by brandi carlile. it's a really sweet song and it's the one my spouse and i kept listening to this weekend...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

oh, and let me share this...it's cool for a couple of reasons. my spouse and i also listened to the indigo girls this weekend...their nomads cd. my spouse pointed out that during world falls, emily plays twinkle, twinkle little star. now, i had never, ever noticed this. he had to actually sing the words for me to pick it out... (no, my ear is not very well trained at all) anyway...so i thought i'd put a video of it on here for you all to listen for twinkle, twinkle, too. when i went to you tube, i found a really good version of it. cool thing is, they're singing it with brandi carlile....

it's around one minute and fifty-three seconds... (listen to emily's guitar right when they start singing "i'm laughing...." it's related to that line, actually. "i'm laughing, i'm under a starry sky.")


peace

checking in

i checked in with my spouse today. because it felt good to do it. because we finally had some free time with no painting or sleeping or tolerating each other... (yeah, we've done a fair amount of that lately...and when you're focused so much on tolerance, conversation can be, well, strained...)

i really do like him for the most part. he is funny. and smart. and thoughtful. and kind. generous. gentle. i'm sure it's just how stressed our time is lately that makes these things seem not so obvious...or important at times.

we talked about schedules. the fact that oldest isn't sure he believes in god, but is kind of wanting to do cce classes (i asked dh, is it okay for kids to ask questions in cce?...). we talked about therapy, mama friends, my mother, our niece, his dad, traveling this weekend. he started to tell me about being one of the few men on residency with a lot of women...apparently he takes quite a bit of crap...but he didn't get to finish that. i have to remember to ask him about that...

life is picking up around here. we have met some really nice people. made some really great friends. it's been amazing, to be honest. when i'm not too full of myself and my own crap, i really am grateful. my kids really have a good circle of friends...little and big, young and grown...and for this, i am happy. what's that song? "make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." yeah, goofy...but perfect.

now, if only i could get myself on the treadmill this week...
peace

huh?

i watched mr. holland's opus with my kids tonight. i desperately needed a feel good movie and it delivered righteously. but then one of those one line picks up where another left off moments happened. during the movie, there's a segment where they play jackson browne's song, the pretender. and i got all nostalgic. my mother used to love that song. she had his album and we used to play it a lot. i loved the pretender and, what was it? was it running on empty? i'm not sure anymore. my mother was a big jackson browne fan.

so i went to you tube to watch the video and i read the words to the song and, well, first i thought maybe i wasn't reading them right. and maybe i didn't. it's been a tiring few days and i am plenty capable of mistakes, even when i'm not impaired. but "starting out so long ago only to surrender"? and "believe in the lie of those things that money can buy"? there were other lines, too. i don't know... but i will say, that after reading the words while listening to this song that i am not so sure i feel inspired by the message of, i find i can't help but feel that good kind of nostalgic feeling while hearing it still. and that's kind of how i feel about so much of my childhood. like i am seriously warped because of the nostalgia i feel for things that kind of sicken me?... does that make sense? i don't know...

my spouse and i argued today. it came down to what we value, as people. it was this discussion about how what he values doesn't mean that he doesn't value what i value (because they can be kind of different, depending what level we're talking about). which i understand. but it seems if i tell him something i'd like him to do, even if he doesn't value it....and i don't mean tell him like once or twice...we've been together for fifteen years this month....and if he values me, then maybe...anyway...sigh...some thoughts just never seem as powerful or even relevant in words as the emotion that accompanied them when they were born (or reborn for the hundredth time, i guess).

so here's jackson browne's song...see what you think...i'm not judging it or anything...i was just kind of surprised to see the actual words to this song i used to sing with all of my eight year old heart...but oddly, maybe i am starting to figure out why my mother's so disappointed with me?...

peace