god's thumbnail

tonight the moon was what my grandmother used to call "god's thumbnail"...i believe astronomists call it a crescent. but it just seemed exactly like god's thumbnail once my grandmother pointed it out, and it's been that ever since.

i like to look at the sky at night. i'm looking for operating instructions, to be honest. sometimes it's very bright...sometimes it's very clear. i can almost always see orion in the late fall and winter, it seems. although i will admit i am so spatially challenged that as we rotate at night, i have a hard time finding him and it makes me shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh because it seems like as he moves in the same direction each night, it shouldn't be so hard to find him...but i admit i often walk inside, shaking my head and laughing and having no idea where the hell he went.

there's a sky i see sometimes...it's dark blue...midnight blue i guess (haha, snort)...but there's enough moon that when the clouds make this cool pattern, it looks like a dark blue tie dye pattern. and it reminds me of my friend jeanni. i think she has a shirt like this, but maybe i just made that up. so either way, it is what i have termed in my mind a "jeanni sky." and three nights ago (hell, i think it was three...it's been a busy week), there was a jeanni sky. and it didn't surprise me. jeanni's had some stuff going on, and i've been thinking about her lots. and i hadn't heard from her that night, so i'd been thinking about her especially because it felt kind of foreboding that i hadn't heard from her..."no news is good news" be damned.

i have since heard from her and it wasn't good news. it wasn't necessarily bad news, although jeanni could probably argue that with me if she had a mind to. and she might have a mind to. but she might also not freaking feel like it. the news was that life will change...and it always does...damn it. but why is it that when life deals you those lessons about change, it's always more than you ever wanted? and it is never the way you would've chosen.

marriage comes to mind at this point. we obviously choose to get married. but even then, it rarely goes the way you would've chosen and it's often more than you ever wanted.

but there's been a lot of change in this new year.

my friend julie is here with her new daughter...she's a week old...in her life as julie's daughter. well, a week and a day. julie's daughter is actually four years old. and she's from india. and she is the most amazing thing to hit my house since my daughter. this little one, who i've been calling ruby-roo, is beautiful and mesmerizing and just a damned good sport all around. no, she doesn't speak english. and no, we don't know her language. but we teach her a few words and she teaches us a few words and we all smile a lot because we are just so darned happy to hang out together. i am very honored that julie brought her here to share with all of us and hope it's been worth her while. (what the hell does worth her while mean? i mean, i know what the phrase means, but is that really how it's written out?...) but i'm not going to share with julie my feelings right now about change being more than we ever wanted or rarely going the way we would've chosen. we'll let her get a little further down the way and see if she notices this on her own...

but for me, right now, as i sit in the middle of these changes this year has brought, to those i love (and god, do i love them), as well as the change it's brought to my own life, i can't help but reflect on the things that stay the same (you totally saw that coming, right?).

love. love stays the same. it changes in our relationships, strengthens, weakens, waxes and wanes...like the moon...but it's always there. sometimes in different people, in different relationships, in ourselves and out. but it's there. we may ache for it in the same relationships, ache for it in ourselves, ache for it in the same ways it used to be there. and the ways will change. but the love will always be there. will always find us.

the older i get (and while i realize i may not be THAT old, i don't think anyone would argue that i'm not THAT young anymore either), the more surprised i am by the places i find love that i never would've thought i'd find it. and i'm even more surprised by how much love i find in me. now maybe that's because i've given up the belief that i am the generator of my life and i've opened myself up to the Love that is the true generator of us all. but even that surprises me. it's an act of faith. and while i've always had an easier time believing in good things (i mean really, santa and the easter bunny have never been a huge stretch for me and i never saw the big deal in my parents being the ones to really do it all...it all still happened and was good in the end...), i've always also believed that if i was good enough, did the right thing, earned it somehow, love would come. but now i know love is always there. always has been. always will be.

it may be a perspective thing. one person's trash is another's treasure type of deal. and i have learned not to push my trash on someone who doesn't want it...and the same goes for my treasure. people like to make these evaluations for themselves. we have to. that's part of the whole deal. but i know that love will always, in the end, find us. just like god's thumbnail found me tonight.

peace

dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

don't freak out, but...

my running log ticker is getting a few miles again. i'm not running, though. i'm walking. and with a twenty week fetus inside me, that feels like plenty. i do lift three pound arm weights while i walk, too. it feels good. when i make a point to exercise regularly, i eat better and i remember to take my vitamins, and i just become a more pleasant, productive person. i've been reading all these people magazines (thanks, carol!) that a friend sent me home with after i hung out at her house for a few days. there are a lot of articles in there about high profile/celebrity moms getting their bodies back after pregnancies. normally, i would think of those things as shallow and appearance fixated. but since i actually read some of those articles, i can report that a number of them talked about the moms learning to take time to take care of themselves...how they had stopped doing that. they work out, yes. they eat better, yes. some of them even watch calories. a lot of them just stopped eating as much (my friend jen swears by this as a weight loss philosophy and my friend cristy, who has broken up with gluten, dairy, and meat is pretty much proof of it). but they all talked about not being so worried about how they looked...i mean, they all said they liked how they looked...but they mostly said they liked feeling strong again. and i guess when i don't work out, i feel weak...and that probably has something to do with why i eat like crap and don't take my vitamins or get much done. so...there you go. or there i go, i guess. and really, what better time than the present? (and, you know, with a baby depending on me and such...)

peace

out for a few days

i am heading north a couple of hours to help out a friend and hang out and have a good time, too. i am grateful to be able to help, but i am also grateful to get out of my house for a few days....i'm kind of tired of trying to muster up some motivation to get it in shape. we're making some progress, but when my spouse works nights, it is hard times at home and we're all worn out from it. hoping i can come back feeling a little renewed and less stressed out and, frankly, resentful...

quick rabbit update...mazzy, the male who has kicked every other buns ass around here, is now living in my teen's room. he's got a pretty great set up and i think he's happy, although i will say, he looks a little lost with no asses to kick. oh.well. the other two have a divider between them in the rabbit room...they were both kind of skittish when i put them together yesterday...and who wouldn't be after getting your ass kicked twice each by a vicious old man bunny? but they look pretty calm with each other today and i imagine in the next couple of weeks, they may be back to co-habitating...but i am not getting my hopes up because it's just too frustrating having your hopes dashed continuously by rabbits.

and update on the bean...my spouse got to watch the bean moving around the night before father's day. but on father's day, he actually got to feel the bean move for the first time...so cool stuff there. my second born is the only kid in the house who's felt the bean move...he's really the only one patient enough for that, too, so lucky him.

counseling yesterday was good stuff...talked a lot about my kids. i'd heard stories lately on hazing at the summer camp i love that i worked at as a teen and they really disturbed me. so i told the-rapist how sometimes i feel like i'm raising my children to be weak because i just don't find that type of stuff appropriate at all...or even funny most of the time. like last summer, when teen dropped his first f-bomb...my sil said "that's just how we love each other in our family." you know, by being assholes, i guess. and so i was asking the-rapist what she thought. and she said that she used to think teasing and such was healthy...even necessary. but that after three decades of counseling, that you never know what will end up being some one's issue on the couch when they're fifty. not that i can guess every comment or action that may end up an issue on some one's couch down the road...but why push it? i mean, when i joke around with my friends, i only do it when i know it's safe...when i know trust has been built and they will know, without a doubt, that i am, in fact, joking. and even then, i usually ask and make sure they know i was joking, if i think there is any question. why would i be any less gentle with my children? why would i presume them to have more maturity than one of my friends (who are all pretty wise and mature and stuff)? so, the-rapist left me feeling pretty comfortable in my thoughts on being gentle and whether or not it makes you weak. i mean, don't get me wrong...we tease around here...and sometimes the things that are said make my eyes almost pop out of my head. but we work pretty hard at having a trusting relationship as a family and taking time to realize when some one has been hurt and clearing up any misunderstandings. and i've learned that sometimes i am too focused on what is said, and the best thing to do is just get out and do. then every one's mouths are shut and we don't have the whole misunderstanding problem.

wow...i had a lot to say on that. i've been able to work through a lot of that with my cyber-tribe...and for that, i'm grateful, too.

peace

keeping rolling

i actually got some stuff done last night. it felt good. but then my stupid vacuum cleaner broke, and i started feeling kind of embarrassed by how dependent i am on my vacuum cleaner. but it just makes cleaning up after a family of six so much easier... i'm hoping it's had a change of heart and will work today. here's hoping...

this is a line from a conversation i heard in my home yesterday. my oldest was talking about a wolf spider he'd seen, and my third born figured a wolf spider must be smaller than a tarantula. to explain the size difference, my teenager said, "if spiders were pokemon, a wolf spider would evolve into a tarantula." to which my third born responded, "oh, ok." and that was that. see? adults do not understand these finer nuances of comparison...i would've made it too complicated talking about actual size or something...

and we've decided to skip nationals for rock climbing this year. there were a few tears from the mom and the teen...don't think the dad shed any...but i think we're all pretty good with this decision. bouldering season starts soon and teen's coach thinks teen could probably qualify for speed and sport climbing next year, so... but it's still really hard not sending them on every opportunity they receive an invitation for. sigh... growing up is hard. no matter how old you are.

and i think that is about it. a friend of mine may come visit next week and that makes me happy. bil hung out in my entryway talking til eleven thirty last night...and given the scarcity of grown up interaction lately, that was fun, too. really tiring, but nice. i am also asking the young people in the house to help out with some of these things that just need to get taken care of...and guess what? they are pretty darned cheerful about stepping up. and for all of this and more, i am happy.

peace

forgivishness

i love this word. it's an anne lamott word. the title of a section of her book of essays called grace (eventually). i was thinking about forgiveness and how necessary it is, but how difficult it can be when you're still feeling pretty pissed off. and then this word jumped out at me from the page and i laughed and thought, "well, of course! there's the step between where i am now and forgiveness that i was leaving out...now i can do this..." anne can really be there for me sometimes...

i was talking to my friend christian about it last night and telling him about that buddhist saying about how holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal...it only burns you. and one of the things i love most about this man are the moments like last night when he says, "yes, you want to let go of the coal and forgive the other person...but you'd really like to let go of the coal so that it lands on the other person's head, right?" he is so wise. he helps me find my way back to the me i want to be...but with lots of laughing along the way, which makes it pleasant and not seem like hard work...it also leaves me feeling very loved, and not like it's me, alone, against the me i don't want to be. and then i listen to him go on about the $500 prada sneakers he wants, so i feel like i'm able to be there for him, too.

my husband and i planted our strawberry plants and three blueberry bushes yesterday. all that's coming up in our garden right now is some beans and a few tomato plants. it's gotten a little colder, so it's kind of slow going, but at least the sun's cooperating, so maybe not as slow as it could be.

and i also drove around yesterday singing this song at the top of my lungs with my sons, which is fun and amusing and liberating all at the same time...



forgiveness can be hard work, but with this extra forgivishness step in there and people to help out along the way, it can be quite rewarding.

peace

seriously, my yard's gonna rock...

i let myself get that negativity out yesterday, but i can't leave it at the top of my blog. makes me feel like a little black cloud spreading my blah to everyone who may happen by. i know negativity happens, but it's not necessarily something i want printed on the tip of my nose.

so things are working out. no, they aren't worked out. i don't know that they EVER get completely worked out. but they are at least moving again...and i don't think i'm going to give myself a stress induced heart attack anymore. i am grateful for those who will listen to me in those moments of being lost. i am grateful for those who've shared with me in ways that still affect me when i am going through stress...little lights along the way that are these great surprises and lifelines.

and i am still working in my yard as a way of releasing some of this tension. i mean really, my yard is going to look awesome here... it's been neglected for awhile, and i've really only just begun...but i like the way this feels. now the inside of my house?...we're not gonna talk about that part today.

peace

coming and going

life is funny, she is. when i think about the relationships i've had in my life...the people who've entered my life and then left...the ones who stay awhile...the ones who are with me now...it makes me smile. there are times when someone is leaving that i rebel against that...fight it...don't want it to happen...want them to stay...forever...like it is now. but then i have to laugh because even the ones who never leave never stay the same. it is all so dynamic. i can look back and almost see where parts of one relationship prepared me for how things go in another one. or at least that's how it looks sometimes. but then later, down the road, maybe i look back and see it all fitting together differently, but still making just as much sense.

today i met a friend in austin. this friend was my bff's first girlfriend...when my bff first realized she was gay. so i met this friend through the camp we all worked at, and then continued my friendship with her through my bff once they started dating. but i also quit talking to my bff for a number of years because this friend happened to be an alcoholic...and she was not a happy drunk. well, i hear she usually was. but i happened to catch the one night she was a raging, angry, abusive drunk. and i severed ties with my bff in order to keep myself safe and out of that situation again. my bff continued dating her for another year or so, but once they broke up, and i was pregnant with my first son, my bff and i renewed our friendship. i even saw this friend once after my first son was two weeks old, at an indigo girls concert (yes, smile...i am). it was alright, but there wasn't much friendship left between us.

i didn't see this friend again until october of last year. we attended the same weekend long birthday party. it was really, really great seeing her. she played her guitar and sang. we laughed and told jokes together. she asked me to play the newest and best indigo girls song for her. she introduced me to brandi carlile. it was good. i saw her again at my bff's commitment ceremony and then again when i ran my second half marathon. her band played at the seven mile marker and after kissing all of my family and my bff and her partner, i had to go kiss this friend, too.

i went and saw this friend in austin today. i had a really nice time with her. she is struggling with a relationship and struggling with life, much of it in similar ways to what i write about in this blog. i felt hesitant because i have never really been a support to her before. i mostly just listened and tried to be there without being too there, if you know what i mean. and it was good. it was really, really good.

as i drove back home, through austin, i passed the street where my spouse and i had our first apartment in austin...where we found out we were pregnant with our first child. i drove past the street where my sister and her ex-girlfriend had an apartment...the apartment my sister fell from a balcony and cracked her head open on. i drove past the exit for sixth street, where i got both of my tattoos. i drove past the exit to the school i used to work at. past the apartment my spouse and i brought our first child home to...so many memories. i love austin. i love all the feelings it holds...feelings i can describe and understand, and all the ones i can't. events and days and experiences of the past and the ones today, too.

peace

pull yourself together, man

can everyone just call and say those words to me? it's just been kind of a scattered day...

i didn't wake up with my alarm this morning. it's the kind of thing you know will probably happen one day, but not today, because we have shit to do today, right? well, today was the day. it was teen's ride to class knocking on the door that woke me up. actually, i think it was teen's ride's mother calling my cell phone to figure out where the hell we were that woke me up, but i was out of bed wondering what was going on when the ride knocked and i realized what, exactly, was going on here. ugh.

wake up teen...teen throws on clothes, brushes teeth, throw hair in ponytail...put three other sleeping kids in car...throw on slippers and brush my own teeth and we're all hauling ass down the highway in less than ten minutes. he was only five minutes late, but got there before his professor.

but that left three kids and i stuck an hour away for two more hours. so we walked through the grocery in our pajamas, got some breakfast, and sat in the car eating it, listening to harry potter on cd until teen came out. rough way to start the day...

now, i sit here realizing i still have to prepare my stuff for co-op classes tomorrow...and i need to bake for this week...and i think i have a few more pairs of clean underwear. so really, call me...but don't keep me on the phone because i've got shit to avoid doing, er, i mean do.

oh...one thing i did do today. friend of mine called last week. she'd had a bad week. a really, really, relapse for an alcoholic who'd been sober for seven years bad kind of week. so she checked herself in to the hospital for some help. i was stunned. i told her that was one of the sanest responses i'd heard to extreme stress in a long time (and yes, i'm including my own responses here, ok?). and i thought about that for the next day...and then i told my spouse i was doing something without him or the kids this weekend. for saturday. once he gets off work. so i called this friend. she lives two hours away. and we may meet in the middle (which happens to be austin, so rock on for that) and hang out saturday. now, this may not seem like a huge accomplishment...but for someone who can put things off for decades at a time, i feel pretty good about it.

peace

quick stop

i am too tired for a full blog, but let me put these two things that've been bumping around in my head lately...

a couple of definitions...

love delight in; admire; greatly cherish

obedient submissive; dutiful

(i had to use the second definition on both of those because the first broke the rule against using a word to define itself...sheesh, even my philosophy kiddos know better than that!...)

okay, and then this last thing...talking to my friend christian last night...he's a recovering alcoholic and addict...for the first two years of being sober, he thought he was supposed to trust in a higher power for help solving his problems. turns out, the wording on the manual said he was supposed to trust in a higher power to solve his problems. he said, "hey, that's not the same thing...i think i know where i'm fucking this up." and that killed me...just killed me. it is the most hilariously brilliant thing i've heard someone say, well, at least in the last two days.

and that's all i got...
peace out

my car ride today

here's the first song i heard that made my toes curl (this is an involuntary reaction caused by something some part of me responds to before i'm even aware of what's going on...usually it's music...sometimes it's sex...but these days, it's usually music...hehe)



and posting this makes me realize that my toe curling to this song is kind of hijacked, because usually about a minute into it, i remember that the song i really love by led zepplin is this one... (and i'm telling you, this hijacking has been occurring for probably almost twenty years)


which, oddly enough, makes me think of my best friend from high school, patsy. her partner is pregnant and they just found out yesterday they're expecting twins. now, this is definitely something that makes my toes curl and my eyes tear up, too. i don't know why my joy is so strong with this particular pregnancy...god knows i get excited about all of the pregnancies i get to hear about...but i am overjoyed for them. oh, the reason this is odd is because these are two songs patsy and i used to listen to over and over in the first years of our friendship.

i really am okay. reading about dependent arising kind of cracked things open for me...and the words are all scattered...hard to bring a few together and make a sentence to frame these huge concepts i keep zooming back to see, then zooming in to understand...but heh, when you zoom in and it's all still so new, you have no idea where you are in the whole of it all. i keep wondering if i can explain it in my own words at all. the idea that nothing exists independently...you cannot find a whole that exists independently of its parts...the whole is dependent on the parts and the parts on the whole. three methods...cause, parts, and thought...or something like that. tomorrow, i'll harvest some quotes and see if i can't make a dent in it.

oh, here's another one...the second song by jason mraz i've heard this week...i actually recognized it as his voice. which i think is remarkable since i'd only just heard him last week and had only heard that song twice...lucky that one was called.


peace

missing pieces

there's a thread titled "missing pieces" on my mama board right now. it's a mama talking about how she can't stand to lose the pieces to her kids toys...which i completely understand. i used to care about that stuff when my guys were little and none of them had pubic hair. but the title made me think of something else i've been thinking about these days...

a few years back, my girlfriend from high school, patsy, had been through a pretty devastating break up. now, patsy and i have been friends for over ten years...more like almost twenty...i mean, i knew her back in her vegetarian/health nut/running days. i'd sit and eat chips and smoke cigarettes and cheer her on when she'd run at the local track. she was the one who'd convince me to eat a salad every once in awhile, although i always tended to drench them in ranch dressing. i just didn't understand this push for health and sweat, i guess... anyway...so it was funny to me when i went to visit her a few years back, almost a year after this horrible break up she'd been through, to find that there was no food in her house. i mean, her fridge had a head of broccoli that was pretty old, a bottle of water, and a sonic slushy in it. and i think she had some rice in her pantry... now, this happened to be a time in my life where i was starting to understand the push for health and sweat stuff...when i was in pretty good shape...eating well, exercising. (i'd like to think i'm still there...just not as completely. maybe my ass is on the wagon, but my feet are dragging the ground...something like that.) so i made her take me to her local grocery to buy fruit, some yogurt, some beer (which we never even drank...like that would happen these days)...she cried at how good a fresh strawberry tasted...because she'd forgotten. that's when i figured friends are like banks...we deposit little pieces of ourselves in them so that we can get them back later, when we really need them.

so, another friend of mine has been going through some stuff that is centered, in part, on meeting an old friend from the past and the gift of receiving a missing piece of who you were...who that person remembers you as...and frankly, if we're going to go back twenty or so years, whose memory of you is really the right one? theirs or yours? for this friend, it's been a huge gift to get to see the beauty in the person she was then...she had issues, yeah...and dealing with those issues clouded who she remembered herself as. all the guilt made it hard to love who she was. but her old friend loved that person that she was...and was willing to share it with the woman she is now.

that may have come across as kind of incoherent...but i've mentioned meeting an old friend on facebook. i've met a number of them. it's been wild. a lot of them are kind of acquaintance-y people...it's nice to see how they're doing...see their kids, their families. it's good to reconnect, but there's probably not going to be a whole lot of day to day conversation going on. and a lot of them are people i shared a time in life with, not much one on one type of time to begin with. but tonight another one found me. and it's cool because i've been thinking about him a lot... it's just funny. all these glimpses of these people we were...these laughs we had...things we did...lives we had...spaces we've shared...it's neat to unite them with who we are now...watch the two versions dance together, find some commonalities.

anyway...i have a cold. and while that was a lot more focused than i thought it would be, i lost my train of thought. oh well...i know what i meant...
peace

comfort

tuesday, i was rocking my nephew to sleep, and the kids were watching cyber chase. now, i know sometimes it's strange to see a thirtysomething woman who can name the characters on children's programming better than adult programming, but i also know most of the mamas who read this blog can do that, too. so i am not going to get hung up on feeling strange here... but matt and inez were having a disagreement...matt had hurt inez's feelings by joking around about her vocabulary. and as i was drifting off, rocking baby s, and i heard some of the interchange between inez and matt, i was struck by this warm feeling as i listened to the comfort the actors were able to put in the voices of these characters...yes, they were arguing...but they were obviously very comfortable in their friendship and that was what i was struck by in my state of semi-consciousness. (award winning voice actors on pbs....it could happen...)

now, monday night i had met a mama from my cyber tribe. and it was so comfortable. we just launched into conversation and friendship and sharing...it was pretty seamless. i left just amazed by how comfortable we were...

this week, an old friend found me on facebook. and it was kind of weird, in the way that internet and two dimensional communication can make things so weird sometimes...but we kept at it, and there's a good level of comfort returning. there was a lot of comfort in our friendship when we were younger... i've been smiling all morning thinking about our emails going back and forth.

comfort is sometimes seen as kind of weak. the easy way. candy assed or soft. but in these relationships i'm talking about...ok, leave out the cyber chase thing since it's fictional...it's not always easy to do the things you need to be comfortable in a relationship. sometimes it is easier to put up defenses...and while it may be somewhat more comfortable to be defended or feel protected, it can also be lonely as hell. and saying the things you feel, being honest, offering yourself up and allowing someone else to accept you...this is not always easy shit. it can be really scary. and if you go at it with too much fear, it can really knock you down. so being comfortable in yourself, being comfortable in relationships...this is really hard, tough, courageous stuff. but it doesn't just take your own courage...it's a group effort. and i'm grateful for those...past and present...that i've been blessed to get to work with.

and that is what i've been wanting to write all week...
peace

ps--here's a song i heard on the way home from meeting my mama friend, carol. it just kind of captured what i felt was the ultimate spirit that we shared that night...yes, we're both morbidly intense and we covered a million different topics and again, it was such natural sharing...but this song made me see the two of us in a similar light...

peace out

roller coasters and patience

i've been thinking a lot lately. actually, it would probably be more blog-worthy if i was able to stop thinking for awhile. and i have been playing around with that a little...but it's not what i'm writing about today.

i will say that i have been really, really stressed out lately. and i feel it. i feel the physical results of that stress. but i feel them for what they are--the result of being stressed out. i know i'm not handling my stress well, although i think it's a step in the right direction to at least see a little bit of a separation between whatever thoughts are running through my head, the stress, and my ability to handle this all differently, even if i'm not. although i am handling it differently because i am not wildly looking for things to blame this on. i am also rather suddenly able to let those that are close to me know when they're pissing me off...in a fairly direct and somewhat polite-ish way. and i think that's progress too. but i am not just working myself up in my head, looking for what is stressing me out. i'm at least able to know i'm stressed and try to figure out how best to handle the stress as well as what might be causing it. which may not sound distinguishable or even remarkable, but as a process, it feels like progress...like a step in the right direction...maybe i still have a long journey ahead, but it does feel like i'm at least on the right track, which i'll get back to in a minute.

but i want to say it is not like i've got this shit figured out, because i haven't. i know that i will not figure it out tomorrow either...or probably even the next day. it may take a lifetime. which means i need patience. which exasperates me a bit, i'll be honest. but i can exasperatedly accept that patience is what i need, where i need to be resting, turning to, growing myself. and once i reached that place, this song started playing in my head....

(can you believe this was guns n roses singing at the grammies almost twenty years ago? wow... i dressed up as axel rose one year for halloween...)

anyway...that was last night that the patience song started playing in my head. then i spoke to my friend jeanni this morning. let me tell you...sometimes i talk to that woman and it is like a cool, clear glass of water after hiking for hours. like you didn't even know you were thirsty but it still quenches you somewhere so deep down, you can't stop drinking. and she shared this quote with me about roller coasters. i was telling her about how sometimes we set things in motion in life...things that can take years to see them play out, if we ever truly see how they play out. and i can understand appreciating and living in the moment. but sometimes, i was telling jeanni, i'd like a little smile from the universe that it's at least going okay...a little nod that things are headed in the right direction...wherever that is. so she shared this quote i'll have to paraphrase because i can't find it online...

it was talking about how life is a roller coaster. how there is thrill, and color, and excitement. how we are drawn into it...maybe we like it, maybe we don't. how we start to live on the roller coaster, forgetting that, ultimately, it's a ride. it ended by saying that when people come along to remind us it's only a ride, we kill them.

which about slayed me. (we are jesus-y girls, jeanni and i, so that's who we were thinking of primarily, although we both mentioned that he wasn't the only one to ever try to remind us it's just a ride.)

i also talked to my friend who makes music. she texted me on my phone yesterday to wish me a happy thanksgiving and tell me she was thankful for me. imagine that...someone as beautiful and wise and amazingly talented as her being thankful for crazy, needy, off key me. it was definitely a high point. so i talked to her today, too.

i can be patient...i can. it is difficult, but i can be. and it strikes me that when i decide to surrender and not just talk about being patient, but truly try to be patient, i have these moments of contact with these incredible people who really end up encouraging me on that leg of the journey, even though they didn't know i was traveling that direction. it is one of the most beautiful and delightful parts of this amazing journey.
peace

a little catch up

it's been really busy around here. and a little bit crazy, too.

teenager has been accepted to the college he applied to, in the dual enrollment program. i drove him there for his accuplacer, and it was eighty-eight miles round trip. so we'll be doing that three times a week next semester. but i am happy for him and ready to do whatever i can to make this a successful semester for him. (well, i mean support him in having a successful semester...it's such a fine freaking line with a fourteen year old...and no, it's not really that fine a line...it's just trying to find the balance between his fourteen year old self and my thirty-four year old self...THAT'S the challenge)

thanksgiving is happening at my house this year. i don't think this is asking too much. i think i'm ready. but i'm a little freaking out about it. and i realize i am over-reacting here. no one cares about the house...or at least they do only minimally. which makes me freak out a tiny bit more because it means i need to go to the grocery store and i am not looking forward to that... but i just need to suck it up and go...

and we hung out with friends friday. that was nice. man, that was really nice. i don't know why i am so reluctant, hesitant, and most of the time honestly don't think about inviting people over. especially when i get so lonely. i don't know...it's weird. but friday was awesome. the kids had a blast and so did i. must.remember.to.do.that.again...

ok...i swear it's been busy. it's just not stuff that translates well into words before you've had coffee or tea or even a drink of water first thing in the morning. there are also other things, i'm sure. but i've been missing blogging, even though i haven't had much to blog about. oh, i begin no less than two or three blogs a day in my head...but once i sit down, nothing's been itching to be written.

peace

bookworm award

i received this from bohemi-anna, who is one of those young, intelligent, vibrant, and kind people who makes the world a better place. i even bought a scarf from her to wear to remind myself she's out there. i guess you could say i am happy to know her... <3

Here is the rule for the award:Pass it on to five other bloggers, and tell them to open the nearest book to page 46. Write out the fifth sentence on that page, and also the next two to five sentences...The CLOSEST BOOK, NOT YOUR FAVORITE, OR MOST INTELLECTUAL!!

ok, the book is plan b, by anne lamott. (man, i lucked out...i swear i had gardening or the trivium over here the other day...)

ok, page 46, fifth sentence...here we go... it's from an essay about her mom, and her mom's ashes, and how she finally dealt with them, called o noraht, noraht...

I put the brown plastic box in the closet as soon as it came back from the funeral home, two years ago, thinking I could at last give up all hope that a wafting white-robed figure would rise from the ashes of my despair and say, "Oh, little one, my darling daughter, I am here for you now." I prayed for my heart to soften, to forgive her, and love her for what she did give me--life, great values, a lot of tennis lessons, and the best she could do. Unfortunately, the best she could do was terrible, like the Minister of Silly Walks trying to raise an extremely sensitive young girl, and my heart remained hardened toward her.

yeah...it frightens me how i can relate to this as a daughter and be kind of terrified by it as a mother at the same time...but time settles in my chest and makes me settle down, eat it all bite by bite and stop trying to swallow the whole thing at once...keeps me from choking to death.

ok, i just needed the break and remembered i'd been tagged. thanks anna! oh, i get to tag five more...hmmm...i know! i know! how about jen, hope, lana, julie, and whit...i KNOW you all read like crazy...and you're all pretty sexy, too...
peace

beauty

the weekend was crazy full of it...

the women whose ceremony we attended were beautiful. my friend from high school, patsy, has always been gorgeous. and she wasn't backing down on her wedding day, let me tell you. she and her partner were lovely.

the group of people assembled to support these two women...again...it was a beautiful thing. amazing. i get a lump in my throat all over again thinking about it.

our friend who sang...more beauty. her best friend that we got to meet...again...beautiful person.

hanging out with my spouse...now this one surprised me for some reason. but we had so much fun... i didn't realize how long it had been. well, a night away together sans kids...this was our first. but we haven't even really been out on a date in awhile. and these women kept telling us how cute we were together...how perfect for each other we are. it was hilarious. and flattering, too, i must admit. we would look at each other..."wow! did you hear that? do we really still have it?..." it was so....healing.

so all in all, we're staying with the gift that keeps on giving theme on the weekends. it was a lovely wedding/commitment ceremony for two very beautiful people...and the love and the warmth and the goodness that was the sum total of all assembled in honor of and for the cause of and inspired by these women....well, that was just a testimony to the good that just is. and it just keeps going...can't seem to help itself.

so here are some lyrics to the song i posted earlier that i was gifted last weekend. the story, by brandi carlile. it's a really sweet song and it's the one my spouse and i kept listening to this weekend...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

oh, and let me share this...it's cool for a couple of reasons. my spouse and i also listened to the indigo girls this weekend...their nomads cd. my spouse pointed out that during world falls, emily plays twinkle, twinkle little star. now, i had never, ever noticed this. he had to actually sing the words for me to pick it out... (no, my ear is not very well trained at all) anyway...so i thought i'd put a video of it on here for you all to listen for twinkle, twinkle, too. when i went to you tube, i found a really good version of it. cool thing is, they're singing it with brandi carlile....

it's around one minute and fifty-three seconds... (listen to emily's guitar right when they start singing "i'm laughing...." it's related to that line, actually. "i'm laughing, i'm under a starry sky.")


peace

gifts

i went out of town this weekend to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday. she was 33 when i met her. she's my oldest son's godmother. she is one of my best friends...and i was kind of nervous about going this weekend. because while i'd met almost everyone she'd told me was going to be there, i hadn't really seen any of them in awhile...like over ten years awhile. but i went. because i love her...because she invited me...and because, well, dammit, i wasn't going to be a baby about this.

she asked us not to bring presents...the whole "your presence will be my presents" rationale. well, it was such an awesome experience, we're doing it again next year. i feel like i received a big gift in being able to be a part of things...i haven't laughed so much or smiled so much or just had such a wonderful time in soooo very long. it was amazing. my friend has a pretty awesome circle of women around her and i feel so honored to have been included. it was delightful...

i will also say my husband received some of the gifts of the weekend. aside from a wife who was so much more relaxed...i was also so much more patient when he tried to unload some things on me after i got home. i love my spouse. i want to be there to listen and support him. but i have to acknowledge that there are just some things that are too hard for me to listen to and be honest with him about that. for whatever reason...i was able to communicate that a lot more effectively yesterday than i normally would be able to...

and there is a friend i got to meet all over again that i am also so very grateful about. i hadn't seen her in fourteen years...my oldest was two weeks old the last time i saw her. she plays music...amazingly...it made me all teary eyed to get to hear her after all of those years. i look forward to getting to know her again.

and of course, blessings to my friend who won't officially turn 50 until a little later this month. what a cool birthday gift....for all of us...and it just keeps on giving...
peace

ps--the friend i got to re-meet...she likes music a lot, too. and it was so cool because i was able to play some music for her (on a cd...she plays a guitar, by the way)... here are the lyrics to a song i played for her...and now that i think about it, maybe i've already posted them before? i don't remember... the song's called ten cent wings and it's by jonatha brooke...

If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away with you

I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me, my wings, your heart
Then our memory may fail us, and our language will go too
But the shooting stars will catch our
Celestial view

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away with you

But I'll never tell, I'll never say, I'll never be that brave

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me and I'm with you