some catching up

first of all, i am emotional...like a saturated sponge. touch me, and water will come out. it's just the way it is. i'm not having choice in this matter... well, other than i can choose who i share space with...sort of.

i still feel amazing physically....like i could do anything. which isn't true because i got on my treadmill last night and could only jog for a few minutes and walk the rest. but i still feel like i could...eventually, i guess...but i'm not worried about it. which is also a little different for me. i guess when you know you can do something, you're not always so paranoid about proving it (to yourself or others).

my father-in-law had a heart attack two days ago. it was a really surreal morning. it started out with a cuddling/waking up session that included all of my sons, which is rare. (thirteen year old usually isn't interested in attending, go figure, but he played along that morning, and that was really wonderful.) then i decided i didn't feel like doing "traditional school work", so i gave them magazines and small poster boards and told them to do something with those and some scissors and glue. then my mil called to tell me fil was in the e.r. getting an ekg and could i call my dh and give her bil's new cell number. twenty minutes later, fil was having a heart attack and being transferred to a hospital with a cardiac cath lab. two hours later, we had bil in the car and were on our way to our home town.

my fil is fine. well, as fine as someone can be after a heart attack. he owns a pharmacy that has been a part of its community for over three decades. he is the main pharmacist and there's another pharmacist who works a little relief there, too. my mil runs the store, for the most part. all of dh's siblings and dh himself grew up in that store and have worked in it, first at the counter and later as pharmacists themselves. it's like another sibling for them, sort of. and while everyone is trying to focus on fil healing and getting better, there's also this other sibling that is demanding their attention as well. it's quite a split issue, both sides needing almost full attention. not a lot of emotional energy to spare, but not an end in sight, either.

i feel like i'm over-dramatizing this, well, partly because i am pms-ing and my hormones are a little extreme. but it's also been a really hard week for my husband and i've been trying really hard to support him and love him. this is his dad. and i can't imagine what i would feel like if it was my dad. it makes me tear up just to think about it. so i think since he's at work, it's my chance to be emotional and just kind of sit for awhile, too. so i think there's a lot of that going on for me... but dh's siblings can also get pretty tense when emotions are high...well, they can get pretty expressive in their emotions, i guess. i just feel tense because i hope they can stay nice with one another. and i know that is adding to my stress too... and i need to take my vitamins again.

things will be fine. my fil will be ok. he will not be running the pharmacy or participating in his seniors tennis league for awhile. he may never get back to the tennis, to be honest. but i think he will be around longer, smiling at events and making us laugh while he sleeps sitting up, and reminding us to be humble and not ignore people, and to be kind, devoted, loyal, faithful...to take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously. to do what makes sense and work hard. to show up, no matter how late we are.

my husband will be ok, too. all of us will be, for that matter. it's funny how my fil had a heart attack the week after my first half marathon....my first experience of really being in a sea of something so much bigger than myself, physically...and so positive, too...although i will freely admit that having my sister to walk next to made it easier to notice this because i felt safe with her. i was also supported by a group of mamas i only know online, and that really widened my circle of awareness, as well...and gratitude. it was really humbling to receive so much encouragement when all my life, i've hungered for it. i suspect i've long received it, just not realized it for what it was. and to succeed? well shit, that was icing, you know?

so while the world isn't all about me, i do think i have been better able to love and support my husband through this really hard time because i received so much love and support myself...it really does keep going forward, you know? all we have to do is allow ourselves to experience it. and when we're really hard-headed, running thirteen miles is a good way to wear your mind down well enough to allow your spirit to really dive in and soak it up.

so thank you so much to all who raised me up...it's an amazing journey of enlightenment we are all on and i think the world is a little lighter for all of you. in his hospital bed, the look on my fil's face was the lightest of all...
peace