copping out, sort of

life can be difficult when you are an intuitive person. when your understanding of things comes in waves, shiftings of the energies in you, emotions following, peace landing. and then oftentimes, as soon as you try to put words to it, the ripples start and the image fades. it can be frustrating to say the least....

i believe it is best to try to find a peaceful solution. i believe in slogans like, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world" and "when the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace." i know these are not very strong sounding quotes, but TRY it...it requires a lot of strength to live this way. i think my sons think of them as kind of feminine, but i know my husband lives them as well, so maybe not.

when trying to explain my feelings about peace, though, i often get clouded with wanting to change the other person's perspective, or, just wanting to be right. even though i know it isn't productive or even respectful of the other person. i just believe so deeply in peace that i have a hard time understanding how others might not feel that way...which i DO understand, really, i do. i even understand that the other person feels just as strongly in their beliefs, and i honestly have no desire to hurt or be disrespectful to anyone...i really do know these things....just not in that moment, you know?

because i am not perfect. i often get angry and often say angry things. i am full of a tension right now as my body struggles to find a balance between my needs and the needs i am responsible for fulfilling in others...either because i took on that responsibility or because, get this, i WANT to be responsible for them. (yeah, i have not seen my the-rapist in over two weeks)

so here's my cop out. i've been thinking a lot about these feelings of mine...the core ones and then all the others that get so wrapped around them and make it hard for me to remember what the hell even started this line of thinking?... so i read last night. yeah, big surprise, i read some of anne lamott's new book, grace eventually. there have been some essays i really, really enjoyed in there. but one of the ones i read last night, i knew i had read before, even though i forgot how amazing it was. so i'm going to post a link to it here. if you're interested, check it out. it's a great story and it speaks a lot to what i think i'd say if i ever could get the words to come out clearly.

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/lamott/2005/12/05/carpet_guy/index.html

we have a sort of busy day today. i hope to get a number of things done this week. i think it would really help me to lighten up some if i could...so i will.
peace

ps--oh, and happy birthday to my father in law! he's going home from the hospital today...quite a gift, hey? well, that and that whole surviving his heart attack last week.... he is a beautiful, wonderful man and it is greatly appropriate that i would post about peace on his birthday (although i didn't exactly plan it this way, but it is serendipitous).