some thoughts i just need to get out...

so first of all...it really bothers me that i'm calling it a countdown to the half marathon, but then i count UP...hello? so...i guess that makes today countdown day....uhm....four. well, that's kind of weird. but tomorrow will be three (again), ok? follow? this is just something i've been thinking about and need to do for myself.

and then there's that whole "what's in a name" post that i didn't wrap up too well. because i really have been thinking about it a lot. see, this guy left some not-too-nice posts on a friend's blog. well, it started out not-too-nice and then quickly progressed to pretty-freaking-vicious. which is fine... i mean, it's not, but i'm familiar with nastiness and am able to blow it off okgoodnuff. but this guy was saying he was being vicious and nasty in a desire to save someone...to help this friend...to promote positive action via anger, or something like that. which really struck a nerve for me. helping someone by hurting them... that has never, in all my life, made sense to me.

this guy said he was doing this out of a strong commitment to what is right. individualism vs. collectivism. he was trying to liberate this friend out of the bondage of her common friendships with everyone else... he really seemed to see himself as a trailblazer and, in a smaller sense, a messiah. he seemed to think he alone delivered the message of truth and happiness and freedom from depression, anxiety, low self esteem, fear, self loathing... but the thing is...he also seemed to be the only one who had the answers. no where in the things he said did i see him saying anyone else could know what might lead them on a brighter, lighter path. he held all the answers himself and if everyone would just do as he says, i guess the world would be a better, stronger place? i don't know.

i admire someone willing to stand up for what they believe in. i admire someone willing to go against the pack, if they feel that's necessary. because i know it can take a visionary to move a population out of a status quo that hurts or is wrong. but i also know there's a difference between leaders like gandhi and, say, david koresh. or jesus christ and charles manson. and i think it lies in what they ask of others, how and why they ask it, and the example they provide in their own lives.

i don't think this guy, or any of those guys, are necessarily bad people. but i do think that sometimes people get caught up in primarily fulfilling their own needs, and make bad decisions in meeting those needs. i think some people, for whatever reason, don't develop a sense of empathy or even respect for others, outside of those others' abilities to meet that primary person's needs. it's not always criminal, a least not in a judicial sense... but it is something that i've often tried to understand, wrap my brain around... maybe getting this out will let me move on to the next level of understanding?...

and the half marathon... i stood in poison ivy yesterday. accidentally, of course. i quickly washed my feet off with this stuff called tecnu and am hoping for the best. and i ran seven miles yesterday. which was a lot of work. my treadill cuts itself off after 100 minutes...thank god. my knees are a little sore this morning, but my knee supporting running tights are scheduled to get here friday, and i just can't even convey how happy that makes me. so i think i can do this. oh, and you burn over 1100 calories running seven miles....yeah, i think i really might have run off half my ass...woo-hoo!

kids are good, spouse is good...lots of thinks bumping around in my head...but consciously letting go of negative feelings that might come with some thoughts and allowing the rest to be neutral or even attaching some positive energy to them makes all the difference for me. thank you, thank you, thank you...
peace