angry

i am not "good" at being angry...whatever that means. i am not comfortable with it, so i am constantly uncomfortable with anger. unless i am able to be humorous about it, in which case it becomes mildly uncomfortable.

i have been really, really angry this past week.

when i center myself, bring myself back home and not working problems miles and miles away, it usually causes at least a small part of me to relax. and when that small part relaxes, a larger part of me usually follows...kind of a "oh, hey, that's what we're supposed to be doing" in the cells. once i feel some part of me do what i need to be doing, the rest of me is usually eager to follow. but that was not the case this week. that small part might relax a bit, but some part of me screams, "no! i'm not going to...you can't make me" and i am left absolutely perplexed but sure that it is through some terrible fault of my own character that i am suddenly unwilling to work with myself or cooperate with myself, which also makes me feel a bit crazy.

until i figured out, through many tears and much muddling about, that i am angry. and that i was not finished being angry.

what the hell am i so angry about? there are lots of things. i think the main issue centers on a friend of mine in a foreign country having a really hard time and all the things i think should've happened to help support her through a really difficult trip. and i have raged to that friend on the phone...(is cell phone service amazing or what?) i have cussed and cried and demanded and pleaded and curled my fists... but no matter what i do, it's not going to affect a damned thing. which is fine. i mean, yes, that is a huge source of my frustration, but not my anger. there are other issues pushing the anger button besides the helplessness of it all. i can't fix it. i can't fix it. i can't fix it... (three times, right lana?) i will still be her friend...i love her. and i will not dwell on failing her, because i can't fix it...if i could, i would. i know that. she knows that. i will not dwell and i will be her friend, probably a better friend for the not dwelling.

i am also angry because my sister was and i'm sure still is (although with all the crying and yelling i've done to her lately on the phone, she really hasn't mentioned it lately) hurting. i can't fix that either. but i do love her, too. (even though she'll probably roll her eyes when she reads this as well as want to kick my ass for even thinking i could fix it...)

there are many things that've gone on in the past week that i couldn't fix. i don't know where i got the big idea i could fix so much stuff to feel so disappointed that i couldn't...

but i'm not talking about disappointment...i'm talking about anger. mostly, i'm just angry because there are so many things i can't control. and since i convinced myself somewhere in my head that i did have control over these things, it's painful to tantrum over the realization that i'm not in control. i really was parenting the two year old inside of me...i held her...i told her it was okay to be pissed off and she really, really cried. but then it was a healing weekend. and i feel a little calmer. a little more relaxed.

last night, the realization hit me that i could get angry, or make mistakes, or act and not be able to control how people perceive my actions and get hurt, or worse yet, hurt someone else, and that i would still survive. it was a huge shift to realize that.

i will still survive.
i will still survive.
i will still survive.

imperfect, i will survive. (i have to admit that when i usually talk about imperfections in myself, i'm hoping for only slight ones...but it is occurring to me that i will continue to survive even with the huge, blaring, gaping imperfections that are me...and that is ok...) i will survive and learn to accept those things in myself and that will make it easier to accept them in others. because i am always trying to give that to others without giving it to myself, too, and i think that is another source of a lot of my frustration. because my ideals are not matching up in how i treat others and how i talk to myself. but i will keep working on it.

so my friend is coming home without her son. she will do some recovering, healing, some re-evaluating. maybe she'll go back, maybe she won't. i'm not in control of that, and i'm not altogether convinced she is either. although i know she is in control of certain aspects of that decision, she is not the sole-controller. (that makes me think of a discussion my in-laws were having this weekend over the remote control for the television...my bil calls it the "remote controller" and my sil says he is the "controller" of the "remote control"...it's kind of funny and barely relevant, but it made me think of it)

the homily yesterday was about the walk to ameus. meeting jesus on the road. father was translating that to our daily journey with what he kept calling "the risen christ" which i interpreted to mean god and what we've learned about god through the life of jesus, but it was a lot easier said as "the risen christ." father said we had to learn to make peace with our dark side to be able to walk honestly with the risen christ, to be able to offer ourselves honestly. man...that made some kind of sense to me, because life isn't all hearts and flowers...and once we learn to embrace the good with bad, then it is easier to be honest...at least this is what i'm thinking.

it was good church and i was glad i went. i was grateful for the people i shared good church with and i am grateful for the people i walk this journey with.

but i have more to do, so i need to get on it. these are things i don't look forward to because i still have some anger surrounding them, but i need to act as best i can through the anger. have some faith, in myself and in others.

i will still survive.

peace