river walking

lately, thinking has begun to feel like when you walk into sunlight upon leaving a movie theatre. (we have this sensitivity in my family where as soon as the light hits our eyes and shrinks our pupils, we sneeze.) anyway, conscious thought has begun to feel that way...i even feel my eyes squinting with the effort.

it reminds me of trying to cross a river. there are rocks, sometimes they shift, there's the current to keep in mind, whatever you have on your feet, if anything... sometimes someone wants to talk you across, maybe even touch you to help you. but depending on where you're at, if you're ready to accept trust, if you trust the person trying to help you, if there are other people watching the whole thing...not to mention whatever you might be thinking or working on at the moment you're crossing...it all affects how effective it all turns out....whether you make it across--on your own steam or as a team--or whether you end up totally drenched, on your ass, or maybe even a few feet down from where you started.

i think this was my brain's kind way of looking at the shifts i've been dealing with. i'm an aquarian and water is definitely my element, and out of all of the images that have graced my mind lately, this one seemed the most natural and the most fitting. it strikes me that the situations are as interchangeable as the players and their roles...family, friends, marriage, my own self alone...walking, coaching, needing, trusting, fiercely independent, fiercely dependent...there is no one part that is all mine. i play all the roles and i learn from them all, too, even when i am frustrated or scared. and this is something it took me years to accept. but now that i've started accepting, i have to begin the task of taking responsibility for the different roles i play and how they influence my journey and the world around me. and maybe that's why it's been such a conscious time for me...almost painfully conscious.

(or maybe it's my sinuses...or because i keep forgetting my vitamins...or because i'm not regularly working out...or maybe it's just bad character...laziness...bad energy...who knows...) :)

so, in keeping with the theme of the post, and due to the fact that i really just needed to hear this song again...(and as always, i get to be sarah on this one...in my dreams anyway...although jewel is not a bad one to be either...and have i mentioned my crush on amy ray?...don't tell emily...)