god is some crazy magic

try to stay out of her way...

so today i went to my the-rapist. it was pretty disjointed, rambling (who? me?)...not really well laid out. but near the end of the session, i was telling her how i always feel so responsible for things...yes, i know taking responsibility for someone else's actions is co-dependence...she taught me that last week. but even myself...if my head hurts, i wonder what i'm doing wrong that my head hurts. (small example, but exactly what i mean, so i'm sticking with it.) i told her that my mantra yesterday was "it is not all my fault....it is ok....things are what they are....i am not responsible for all of it..." and it seemed to help some. well, at times it made me giddy, but this is not my point right now. the-rapist said that i had to accept that life flows, like a river, and that moving a stone could change its course and that i might need to wait to adjust to the changes. (uh, kind of like river walking? see previous post...it's not an exact match, but similar enough...)

it was weird...but in a good god magic kind of way. and somehow that reaffirmed for me that i am not, ultimately, in charge. the-rapist did say she was impressed with how i'd trained myself to search myself for reasons and sources for bad energy...food, exercise, thought patterns, etc...and i guess that is a good thing. but i was trying so hard to find the source of my unhappiness and change it, control it, that i was just getting tighter and tighter and making things worse and worse for myself.

surrender...that's what i need to work on again. always the circles...always the cycling through lessons...never the happy hearts and flowers and perfection end...impatient am i (yes, i am channeling yoda right now...)

peace