got one more in me

i don't know if it's being a young mother...well, by that i mean being young when i became a mother. i don't feel i am such a young mother anymore...

but i don't know if it is that so much of my early adulthood was spent pregnant, in labor, stoned on oxytocin...i just don't know...but my hormones in my thirties...my pms, my mood swings, my head crap...the way i most commonly think of it is like labor pains...lean over the counter top and breathe...just breathe...it'll pass. and it usually does.

i am listening to my children organize all the quarters in the house into two different collections of the two sets of quarters that've been released since 1999. it's an organizational skill...observational skill...and it's also an exercise in faith for them because they often feel they're being taken advantage of by the other. (these are my two middle children...ten and eight years old right now) i hear what sounds like comfort and that brings me comfort.

but i had just worked through one of those anxious/emotional/i-am-not-fucking-well-enough-to-do-this labor pains i was talking about. i think i am just tired. this has been a long month of nights for my spouse. oh, wait, it's the thirteenth. well, at least we're halfway through. (anyone catching that silver lining search there?) this has been a hard soccer month, a hard co-op month, a hard month for friends abroad, a month of growing pains.

oh, and we've been letting the rabbits play in the backyard. i have two rabbits who now co-habitate. two males...fizgig, a white fuzzy mini-lop and willow, a grey jersey woolie. they are very cute, my two fluffers. and the rexes got bigger cages, which makes everyone happy. everyone got free roam in the backyard yesterday, which made EVERYONE happy. (really, we loved watching them)

so my anxiety and difficulty in energy surges (because i'm sure it's not all hormones) has as much to do with happy and relief bringing things as it does sad or frustrating or even scary things.

why am i still on my ass and not on the treadmill?

(i am almost fed up with myself here...i am not listening to my words...)

maybe tomorrow i'll take the kids on a walk.

oh crap, and i see my the-rapist tomorrow. like when you're having the maid come and you want to clean up just a little so you don't look like a complete slob, i usually like to have my shit just a little put together when i go see my the-rapist. oh well...shit

peace out