colors

i often see colors in feelings. when i was a kid, there were these inherent numerical values assigned to colors and weird color combinations would yield these weird equations, but that's not what i'm writing about. when i say i see colors, i don't mean i see auras or whatever. when i'm feeling things, there is often a background color to it. and the more i meditate, the more aware of these colors i've become over time. (the more i meditate, the weirder my dreams get, as well, but that's not what i'm writing about either.)

i went to book club last night. same group of women, minus one. same histories for them, same newbie me, but with an extra month of history under my belt. the book was really good. it was called assassination vacation written by sarah vowell. like i said before, it was about the assassinations of presidents lincoln, garfield, and mckinley. sarah vowell does not like our current administration and i liked her book a lot. but this is not what i'm writing about right now either...

when i'm in a group of people, i can get a sense of how people are feeling. it's not rocket science...i'm sure i'm reading their body language, listening to their tone, watching what muscles are tensed...but it is instinctual, so i'm not sure exactly what i'm doing, but last night i could really feel the background colors on each person. it was pretty new for me...

so the cool part...

i was sitting next to this mama i'm getting to know. (the one i saw david sedaris with.) and there's another mama on the other side of her. there's also a mama across from us and a rogue papa who showed up, too. so the mama next to me and i are talking to the couple across from us most of the night. time to tally up the bills and the mama on the other side of mama-sitting-next-to-me (i was on the end of the table...does that make this any easier?) is getting frustrated because the wait staff is not totalling her change correctly. first it's too little...then it's too much. and every one's getting drawn into this frustration...helping her add the change....yes, they are wrong!...what to do?...bla bla bla but the mama i was sitting next to just kept talking, telling stories, laughing. and i kept listening, telling my stories, and laughing, too. it was cool. there were plenty of folks helping mama-with-change-issues get her stuff settled. i don't think we were shirking our civic duties at all. no one got hurt. they sorted the issue out...get this, without our help. and hell, we just had a good time.

so the colors...right...the colors. frustration or anger or whatever...for me, emotions that close me up and don't allow energy to move through to find a solution, basically keeping me stuck in the problem...they're kind of black or some variant of black...which i guess really means some shade of gray. and i'm not judging whether this woman with change issues was closed off or not. this is just my reading of emotions, which is a reflection of me...because i'm not her. and i don't know her...well, i sort of do. but not well enough to know her emotions. i barely know my spouse that well and i've known him for eighteen years. (holy shit, that's a long time...) anyway...i was seeing gray around mama with change issues.

but mama sitting next to me had colors going...blues, greens, purples, reds...and i had a choice to make.

i usually feel compelled to help sort things out...even if i'm the forty-fifth person to come upon the issue. i still feel this prime responsibility to help someone be happy. but i know i'm not always the right person for the job. i often make things worse, what with my morbid intensity and amazing propensity to mindfuck things... yet, i still often react blindly to that compelling feeling...

i guess this is where quiet and awareness come in? meditation and whatnot? i don't know. i'm really still too new to this. but i was aware, as clumsy as it felt inside me, that i had a choice. and i chose colors. and once the change issue was sorted through, the colors returned. it was a really nice night. i'm glad for the community.

so that's about all i got on that. other than there's a kid's book where it makes a rainbow...each page covers a specific color and has a ribbon that color at the top of the page. turn the page, new color, new ribbon in the rainbow. that's what i was thinking about last night when i was going to bed. and for the record, no, i don't do drugs...snort.
peace