dependence

so i turned a corner in my surrender struggle....'cause i've been struggling a little lately. it was a head talk victory. "surrender" was sometimes a weird word for me because it made it sound like i was losing a fight...and like i had to give up or else i don't know...be captured or killed or something. and while things are certainly a struggle sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with turning to god at those times, it just didn't seem like that should be the norm for resting in spirituality...at times of defeat or fear. but maybe that's just me...

then this book i read talked about how we struggle because we believe we are independent, able to make ourselves holy and survive completely by our own hand. that by living this way, we essentially deny our dependence on god. (i do want to say here that if you've been turned off of god by some religion established here on earth by us humans, feel free to insert whatever you believe to be the-true-core-goodness-that-makes-the-world-go-round-and-unites-us for god...because while i believe humans can be a little picky on this...i just don't think god is...but, again, maybe that's just me...)

i've read a few books that talk about religion needing to put itself on par or above god to keep its followers dependent on religion in order to perpetuate itself. how religion hands people rules for what is right and what is wrong, focusing them on being right, making them fearful of making mistakes or being wrong, and basically denying them the opportunity to gain their own wisdom in right and wrong...wisdom that results from experiences, mistakes included, resulting in their dependence on religion...but not god. or at least not directly, i guess.

and then last night, during an argument with my husband, and after a week of meditating on my own dependence, i realized how fear will cause me to shut myself off from everything...even god...on whom i am dependent. and that it is pretty scary when i see myself as alone. at least that's as far as i got last night before i fell asleep.

during today's workout, i wanted to listen to some god music, and all i found was jesus christ superstar. but i couldn't find the original. i could only find the resurrection, which is a version done by some artists in georgia with amy ray as jesus and emily saliers as mary magdalen. it made me smile the first time i heard amy's voice as jesus...and i smiled again today when i put it on.

i love every song in that musical. i used to listen to it when i'd get home from school my freshman year of high school. i would belt out mary singing "i don't know how to love him" with no one else at home. but that's not the song that touched me today...well, it did a little...but in a wry, ironic kind of way that doesn't really add to my thoughts on dependence. today it was "the last supper" and "gethsemane." the videos are kind of long, but if you're interested, they're from the original movie done in the seventies...bunch of crazy hippies running around, singing jesus songs...kind of sorry i missed it.

the last supper has always struck me, even when i was a high schooler at my first performance of jcs, that the disciples think, in this song, that they've arrived...they're priding themselves on their good works in a way i really can relate to...and no, i'm not ashamed to say that. but they have no idea what is to come. and then the interchange between jesus and judas...when i sing both of these parts, it reminds me of some of the arguments i've had with myself in my own head...only, not over betraying myself for blood money, you know.

and gethsemane...man...there's just nothing to say about gethsemane. it is comforting in a way to see jesus' humanity wrestle with his spirit...sad, humbling, inspiring, more, less, all of that, none of that, more than that...

it is hard to find words about how this makes me feel. but sometimes it seems too many words have been used to describe this part of life...this part of humanity...this part of our nature. and words seem to put us too much in our heads...and not enough in the rest of ourselves. they also give us the sense of having captured something that we are meant to walk alongside...grow and change with...not define and toss aside. i struggle with this a lot. meditation, while i know it is key, can be so hard because it seems so unproductive. but i believe it is probably the best place to meet what i am dependent on.
peace

wow

i often have mixed feelings about our ability in the present to know things about those in the past. reading letters sent between people can be really informative about that time in history...but it also feels kind of invasive. and with technological advances allowing us to delve even further, i just wonder sometimes how those whose lives we're delving into would feel about it.

but i love vincent van gogh, and this story made me ponder those feelings again. it is such a beautiful portrait...

peace

choosing

there's this quote from the shack that i want to share...it touches me in a kind of soggy, hazy place...lots of things that can and probably will trip me up there...but not an altogether bad place either.

"I already told you that forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."

ok, i needed to put that there so i could find it more easily...it took me forever to figure out which dog-eared page had the quote about trust i was looking for.

now, i am always being told we can choose happiness. and while i've rested some in that soggy place this morning (and quite a bit lately), i am going to make a choice today to let my heart be light. it came to me when i looked at my kids watching this winnie the pooh movie we rented. seems it doesn't matter how old you are, watching winnie the pooh makes your face look about four years old. it made me remember when my second born fell in love with the song from the heffalump movie a little over a year ago, when he was nine years old. he loved that song so much that he holed up in his closet with the portable dvd player so he could play the song over and over and write the words down, they were that important to him...meant that much.

and here's one last quote i wanted to include, that goes along with the choosing happiness for me today...

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
--Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth

i love that quote. something they also say in the shack, that i'm sure has been said before...

if anything matters, everything matters.

see that light starting to shine? feel it?
peace

just feeling a little reflective

when we moved to houston for my spouse to start med school, i was 33 weeks preggo with my youngest. here's a picture of the kids the first mother's day we lived there, which was may of 2004...
my goodness, they're such babies... i forget they were that little. really...i do.

then, this past year, my cyber mama tribe asked me to send an updated picture of my guys, so my friend julie took this picture on her camera phone, which would've been sometime around november (i think?) of this past year, our first year in this house...
so even though this picture is three and a half years after the last one...i still am a little tearful over how much they've changed from the kiddos in this picture. i mean, it's not as dramatic as the first, but it's still there.

i don't really have anywhere else i'm going with this...just wanted to post the pics so i could look at them.
peace

good byes

my grandmother buried her sister today. well, she didn't exactly dig the hole or anything, but she went through all the rituals, ceremonies, services, and hymns. i've never seen her cry like that before. i'm sure she cried hard when my grandfather died thirty-four years ago, but since that was, like, a few months after i was born...i don't really remember it.

my grandmother is eighty-five years old. and she is quite spry for an eighty-five year old, let me tell you. her sister was eighty-eight and not really as spry, but still very stern and german and tough, which my grandmother is, too. they used to speak german to each other...we could never tell if it was habit or because they were saying great interesting things they didn't want us to hear. whichever it was, she never taught us any german.

anyway...we said good bye to my great aunt today. (and the minister that spoke at her services...i don't know what was up with him...but he pretty much shut the door on my aunt velma today...no living in the memories and hearts of those who loved her, no living legacy of her love shared...nothing...just the pain of good bye and trust in the lord to take her home...but then we prayed that jesus would recognize her as one of his lambs and, i mean really, how much can you trust a deity that you have to ask to recognize one of his children?...i don't know....it was really kind of weird but different strokes, different folks, etc, i suppose...) i told my grandmother i loved her. and even though i'm rarely around her, i really do. i didn't know her sister very well, to be honest. but i ached deeply for her loss as i felt my grandmother tremble at it. and i admit, i was glad my own sister was there to share the experience.

i was going to add some more quotes from the book i was reading. i finished it last night. but i can do that tomorrow. tonight is also my spouse and my anniversary. with the way things have been lately, it'd been kind of easy to just let it go...but i'm smarter than that. we won't do anything huge, but we will share it and at the least be aware. at the least...sometimes that's the biggest thing lacking...awareness. but i'm working on it.
peace

lots of influences

reading, music, paintings, conversations, the world, whatnot. all raining, drizzling, sometimes pouring into my being and changing me, filling me, making me someone different, even if just a little, every moment, it seems.

here are some words from a book i'm reading right now called the shack, by william young.

I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.

You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship. You will even lose a competition to accomplish love. It is not about winning and losing, but about love and respect.

"It's one reason why experiencing true relationship is so difficult for you, " Jesus added. "Once you have a hierarchy you need rules to protect and administer it, and then you need law and the enforcement of the rules, and you end up with some kind of chain of command or a system of order that destroys relationship rather than promotes it. You rarely see or experience relationship apart from power."

"Then it is you who determines good and evil. You become the judge. And to make things more confusing, that which you determine to be good will change over time and circumstance. And then beyond that and even worse, there are billions of you each determining what is good and what is evil. So when your good and evil clashes with your neighbor's, fights and arguments ensue and even wars break out."

these words make me think a lot about my spirituality (obviously), and how i live it. my understanding of my life and the lives of others...some close to me...like, maybe some that i married....you know, those guys....a little. it also makes me reconsider my worldview and my philosophy...ideals...junk like that. i picked this book up on a whim, really. and it says a lot. so much, i'm not playing with everything it's putting out there...just too many toys. but i am glad i picked it up.

then i heard this song today. i've heard it lots and can't explain why today it touched me, but it really did. it's been a rough week being married, i guess...but there was something that felt like acceptance in this song that i was feeling a bit of healing from...a place to plant my feet for a little while...weird, i know, but i'm trusting myself here...(this last part was kind of forced, in case you didn't feel it...)


i think that's about all the influences i can handle writing about right now. i do have life to live and whatnot... oh! but i am starting dr. andrew weil's eight weeks to optimum health today.

(geez, if there was ever a time we could all use a little more health...)

so i'm off to buy some broccoli, some salmon, and some vitamin c...oh, and some fresh flowers...i'm supposed to get myself some fresh flowers, too...
peace

ps--i just watched the sheryl crowe video again...i might just be liking the dress and high heals with the electric guitar and strings section behind her...i don't know...i guess it really doesn't matter in the long run...snort. peas

funny

lots of things in life are funny. some make you laugh out loud, like eddie izzard or david sedaris (right julie?...hehe). some make you laugh inside...in a place you can't exactly reach, but it's laughing nonetheless. and some make you laugh even though it isn't funny...a sour, not so great part of you laughs because what happens isn't funny...yet that part laughs because, well, it's sour...and not so great, you know?

this weekend had all those kinds of funny. and maybe a few more.

--i had such a good time looking at paintings done two centuries ago. i had an even better time watching my kids enjoying it way more than they thought they would.

--i did not enjoy putting my friend carol's number into my cell phone and then leaving my cell phone at home where, you know, i COULDN'T call her...

--i enjoyed eating lebanese food, meeting my friend's soon-to-be-in-laws (who were wonderful), and visiting with friends.

--i did not so much enjoy the interactions with my spouse this weekend...

--i enjoyed chatting with a friend online, and crying as she said kind things that, because i am so visual, touched me in ways spoken words never could...(it was a good kind of crying, i promise)

i guess i just have a well-rounded, funny kind of life.

i get to attend a funeral tuesday...woo-hoo. i'm feeling kind of like a funeral whore this summer...i dunno.

peace

ps--speaking of funny...here's a robert earl keen song i really like. it's called the buckin' song, and there's a video of him singing it on you tube, but you can't really hear the words, and frankly, the words are what make it funny. so here's a video of someone doing a cover...

sleepy

ok, it has hit us. we are sleepy. we did a lot this week...my house shows it...and now we are tired.

we went to the creek for a couple of hours yesterday. we love going there. we were craving outside time and it is soooo damned hot that i couldn't imagine being outside without water nearby. it was a lot of fun. until my second born son slipped on the algae slimed rocks coming out. he fell, hit his head, and cried. i was worried, but he seemed so fine, it was no biggie. until he completely barfed everything he had in his ten year old body an hour later.

so i was up a few times last night checking on him. while i think he's fine, no one looks like they got a good night's sleep at my house. they're all kind of crabby and half awake looking, despite a meeting this morning where they got to hang out with friends they hadn't seen since before we left for vacation.

sooooo...i think i will cancel our plans for dinner and we'll just hang out and scratch our bellies together as a family tonight. we'll be traveling this weekend to go see an impressionist exhibit in fort worth tomorrow (at least this is the plan for now) and having lunch with friends sunday, so a boring old night at home, just us, sounds awesome.

on a separate subject--i mentioned terri hendrix was one of my traveling music choices. another was pete seeger and arlo guthrie in a concert called precious friend. it's a two disc cd and always makes the kids and i laugh, smile, and sing along. here's one of our many favorites...



peace

speaking of sisters

one of the cd's i listened to while traveling was terri hendrix's cd called willory farm. i hadn't heard it in so long, i forgot how much i really like it. the last song is about her sister and it always, always makes me think of my sister, big lump in my throat style...thought i'd share the lyrics...

you were the left side and i the right
with a line down the middle so we wouldn't fight
two sisters sharing a room
with a desk in the middle of two twin beds i listened to every word you said
and when i couldn't face the world i faced you instead

chorus:
and i saw me
you pulled me through and i saw me
you pulled me through and i saw me
from your point of view

we twirled around in the breeze
the years turned faster than the leaves
the seasons stopped when you left home
i remember that first night
i was so scared i kept on the light
and i stood in a half empty room on the line we had drawn

chorus

life lifted me up and spun me around
and you never stopped to judge
you showed me the way through
was to do the best i could

did you know every holiday
when relatives mixed up our names
i'd always smile to myself and pretend that i was you
when you were around there were so many words i never knew how to say
i have to let you know i've said them all along the way

chorus

you were the left side and i the right
with a line down the middle so we wouldn't fight
two sisters....sharing a room....

my sister is younger than i am, but otherwise this song says almost exactly how i felt about her growing up and how i feel now when i look back. it is a unique gift to be able to pull someone through and let them see themselves the way you see them. i don't know that she does it consciously, but it has been one of the most important gifts of my life that someone has shared. as i've grown up, there are a few other women who've come in to my life that are able to deliver me from my sometimes warped vision of myself, and let me see from their gentler, kinder eyes...and i am grateful for those sisters, too.
peace

sometimes you just have to laugh

my sister, who has had a rough few days, sent me this out of the blue. yes, sister, sometimes you just have to laugh...and i appreciate you reminding me.

duality lesson

my oldest son took this picture. i really, really like it. the earth absorbing all the light with its plants and soil...the sky reflecting all that light with its clouds. the ground so soft with colors you can name...the sky so lit with colors you can barely look at much less discern. makes me think of the duality of things. and then i think about how this picture would be different in darkness and it cracks my heart open and lets in a little peace everytime.

it is one of those great little gifts of the universe that my oldest took this picture that brings this peace to me. i think i mentioned in my post about firsts on this vacation that he dropped his first f-bomb last week...probably two or three days after he took this picture...in a moment of anger toward one of his cousins and in front of the rest of his cousins, as well as two aunties, an uncle, his brothers, and me. i never doubted that he'd take responsibility for using inappropriate and unkind language in anger with a loved one. but i sure doubted whether or not those loved ones would forgive my son...would see the great kid behind the big, ugly, ominous F-WORD.... i also doubted what they would think of a mother of a son who would utter such profanity...and a father, who happened to spend all his time at a hospital, and maybe they were awful parents, not qualified to raise children if this would be the catastrophic result...i was sick with doubt.

but before i succumbed to my own personal doubt-fest, my oldest and i talked that night about how relationships can be so wonderful sometimes, and so difficult other times. about how we can be so proud of some of the things we do, and so ashamed of others. and which is real? how do we define things? i told him what i believe about him and what i believe is the true nature of people. but i know he has to choose these things for himself...like i chose for myself. and while i may be pretty certain in my ideals, i often find it difficult to put feet to them and get them to walk.

one thing about parenting this particular child...he is not afraid like i was as a child, like i sometimes still am as an adult. i mean, he has fears and insecurities, yes...but he has no delusion of being perfect like it did. i still have such a physical response to that fear...i was dry heaving the morning after this f-bomb occurred. and it wasn't like he jumped out of bed with a spring in his step...but i noticed, as i stayed awake trying to work through my anxieties, that he slept fairly quietly. i think he has a more natural understanding of the way people can be more than one thing, the way he himself can be more than one thing...as well as faith that other people understand this, too.

my son did apologize. i never told him to. he cried when he did it, i believe because he sincerely felt sorry for hurting his cousin and probably also because he was a little embarrassed. i think it affected everyone who bore witness to this first f-bomb out of his mouth and his apology afterward...gave us a chance to experience that duality...that good and bad...that ground and sky...hurt and healing...fuck and sorry.
peace

hunger for the light

when i left for vacation, i think i mentioned our departure time was scheduled for three thirty in the morning... unGODly early in my book. and we made it out on time, too. i put my sleeping kids in my loaded car and i was on my way, coffee in my thermos, cds in the console (i'll post later about the fun of driving music).

and i drove

and i drove and i drove through all these little towns. there were hardly any lights much less anything as significant as a street light. but i wasn't really thinking about the lack of light. mostly i was just navigating and trying to pour more coffee without spilling it and change the cds without driving off the road...you know, important stuff like that with four little ones in your car. (yeah, i know, they're not all so little anymore...humor me)

but when i could see the light beginning to break through in the sky, i cannot even explain how excited i got...how full of anticipation and relief and impatience and so many high energy things i was. those two and half hours before day broke were like driving into eternal night...i don't even think the moon was out. it was kind of oppressive, only i don't think i felt that until i saw the day beginning to break. it was a different feeling for sure because i am not a sunrise kind of woman. i am a sunset and moonrise kind of woman. i don't really do early...

anyway, the feeling was so intense and the sensation of being so almost desperately relieved that the day was here so overwhelming that i gave up a few minutes, because i was making kick ass time, to snap a picture of my moment of salvation as it was...

for what it's worth, it's also how i feel now that i'm home. like i found some light while i was gone that i didn't know i was missing or lacking...but now it's dawning and, again, i feel gratitude. not quite desperately relieved, but definitely relief. but then i guess that's just how life goes. i used to think i'd finally one day figure out that thing and that would be it...i'd be there...done. but like annie says, there's always another circle of light to step into...or another sunrise to be delivered by.

peace

sharing our slot canyon experience

so one of the places we visited was called paria canyon in utah. it's part of the glen canyon recreational area, i think... the pictures i had seen of this slot canyon were so beautiful that i just knew we had to go. and it was lovely. it's pretty hot hiking to the slot, but once you're in there, you're shaded and it is so much cooler...it's just gorgeous. if you've never seen a slot canyon, let me inspire you to go find one...

here's number one son enjoying a little bouldering up the side of the canyon...

number two son, always the optimist, his ever present smile of goodwill and good faith in place...
number three son bouldering up to his own place for a photo op. he has more stamina than anyone else in my family, i think...
and number four...kicked back, relaxed...always confident...yep, that's him.
i like these pictures, yes, because they show my children, but also because they show very different views of the canyon. there were some places i couldn't backpack number four through because they were so thin. others where you had to step way down or climb a good ways up. and the road to get to this trailhead? let's just say my door now leaks when it rains, yet i find myself grateful it's still attached to my car...

i am still riding the high of coming home after such an experience. i am so much smarter today than i was eleven days ago...seriously. we all are, i think. so much learning crammed into this vacation...no wonder we're all still a little weary...

peace

we're baaa-ack...

whew...that was a lot of driving....i am w.i.p.e.d...o.u.t. but i do want to list some of the many "firsts" that occurred on this vacation.

*obviously, this was our first vacation without our patriarch...(uh, after being in utah, i have issues with that word...without our dad, ok? our dad...)
*our first time in utah, where they have beers named things like polygamy porter (can't have just one) and ride the virgin (charming, isn't it?)
*my oldest son's first hike into the canyon...to plateau point, to be exact...which is a twelve mile hike, round trip
*my second born's first time to ride a four wheeler on his own...very empowering experience for him
*my youngest's first time to camp in a tent (that he remembers)....he loved it
*our first hike in a slot canyon...we're addicted and are taking our dad to check one out as soon as we get a chance
*the first vacation i've ever done ALL the driving on...this was crazy, as it involved rain, night, and driving along canyon walls...but i did it, and as the kids say "there were no casualties"
*the first time i've driven 19 hours straight (this one i don't want to repeat)
*my first experience with bodily functions on the side of the road and no bathrooms in sight (this one wasn't planned)
*my oldest's first f-bomb (i don't think this was planned either)
*my first time in a casino
*our first time to visit our friends in their home in arizona
*my oldest's first time to shoot a 9 millimeter, other assorted pistols, and a rifle (this is something our friends in arizona supervised and i was only comfortable with because they are too safe when it comes to guns, which is just the right amount in my book)

and here's a picture of all of us with said guns....we're making our mean faces, pretending we're grouchy cowboys (as opposed to the cheerful ones)...it's fun to let go on vacation and do some things that are totally different from what you'd normally do. (no, i didn't shoot a gun, thankyouverymuch...)

we had a blast...visited the grand canyon, paria canyon, and zion national park. then spent a few days with our friends in arizona. hiked our butts off. bruised our butts, as well. i have lots of pictures to share and some stories to share, as well, but right now, i'm starving, the kids are reacquainting themselves with their video games, and my spouse is bringing me a much wanted and much deserved bottle of wine. i will say all that open road, all those mountains, all that time with my kids, and all that support and love from those we shared space with...i feel great. in a word, it was a freaking blast...

peace

so long, farewell....

yep, we watched the sound of music a few days ago...

so we are going.

i have friends who live in arizona, so i called them, and if the kids are not well enough to enjoy the beauty and wonder and heat of the canyon, we will go sit in air conditioning, and then fish and ride horses and four wheelers and such with our friends. (why didn't i just go there for vacation?!?!....) i am sure we will stop by and visit on our way home no matter what, so we'll be gone a little longer than a week. but as long as they have a washer and dryer (yes, and a beer or two), this is totally do-able.

i will have no computer access...ack...so i will not be checking in. i read this in the beginning of lamb, and i thought i'd put it here...it's called the author's blessing...

If you have come to these pages for laughter,

may you find it.

If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise

and your blood boil.

If you seek an adventure, may this story sing you

away to blissful escape.

If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may

you reach comfortable conclusions.

All books reveal perfection, by what they are or

what they are not.

May you find that which you seek, in these pages

or outside them.

May you find perfection, and know it

by name.

yeah, that. see ya later...
peace

and the hits just keep coming....

i've been kind of busy lately...so let me just rattle for a few...

--first, residency has been a difficult time. i can tell you ways it's changed my spouse. and, in all fairness to me, it's because i want to be understanding that i think about how this has stretched him and challenged him...perhaps, making it more difficult for him to be a kind, gentle spouse. but i am starting to wonder how i've changed, too. i think primarily i've changed in my attitudes toward him...but maybe there's more to it. i guess i should get my eyes back on my own page...

--then there's this whole drive to the grand canyon with my two sils and their families, but not my husband (who is, you know, their brother...the-rapist called him the glue that binds me to the rest of the folks i'm camping with...binds...funny word choice, you think?). and i was really in denial for quite some time that the hospital would not let him go...kept thinking there had to be a catch...they were pulling our chains. then i figured out they were quite serious about him not being able to do this...he would, in fact, have to be at work. (where he already spends so many hours a week, but i'm talking about camping, not the hospital, right?) so we're ready....almost. then today, my second born walks in with fever and a raging headache, almost in tears, looking like hell. we're assuming it's the strep throat his older brother had last week. and i, the chief mindfucker extraordinaire, am trying to just let...it...go and accept...however...things...turn...out.

--i do want to say, that in the face of all of this...i am reading the most hilarious book in the world. ok, i don't know that it's the funniest book in the world, but it is pretty freaking hilarious... there are many things i am, but unwilling to laugh in the face of adversity is not one of them. i picked this up at the library (after contemplating running away and never returning vs. jumping off, i don't know, something tall?...ugh, it was a tough weekend...but in all fairness, i think there were a lot of things going on at once, not the least of which was i was tired) after a friend had recommended it awhile back. ok, well, maybe she's mentioned it more than once...but i had no idea how funny it could possibly be. i stayed up late reading it just because i could not stop. (which no, did not help the tiredness, but sometimes you just gotta choose...) so here's the link to the book.

--and one last thing...mean people suck. which i realize is not a very nice statement. but sometimes, even when you know a population needs to be embraced, and even though you do embrace that population in your heart of hearts, you just can't help but feel a little short on patience sometimes. so mean people, let's pull it together. please.

ok, i think that's about it. my head is starting to hurt, but i am just going to ignore it....and i'm definitely not going to mindfuck it...definitely not...
peace

worn out

we had a lovely weekend. some friends came to visit...one of those unique situations where the kids get along, the parents get along, we're all great friends... it was a lot of fun watching the kids just fall into step right alongside each other. the smiles, the laughs...if that doesn't heal you, well, i'm sorry... we spent the fourth of july with them and with the mama's family...and again, it was neat how we all fell in step with her family. it was fun, we laughed a lot...they're all pretty wonderful people.

then we ran off to a funeral on saturday. i know, i know...buzz kill, huh? but it wasn't bad...it was actually quite nice, as funerals go. saw a lot of folks we hadn't seen in a really long time.

then we came home and had yesterday, which sucked, but i donwannatalkabout... the oldest and i did get the tent set up and waterproofed and swept out. today we have A LOT of stuff to do. packing, first aid kit, packing the camping box, getting the hydration packs ready....stuff like that. i'm sure there's more, but that's plenty for today. i think i'll get another cup of coffee real quick...
peace

ps--i'd like to add a link to a post on the blog no impact man on my blog roll. i hadn't read it in awhile, and this one spoke to me because it talks about pointing fingers and divisiveness and how they can delay progress toward a solution, which are two things i've been thinking about quite a bit...on a personal scale, but also on a global scale...and he quotes gandhi, which always gets me. peace

gratitude

i figured something out yesterday. nothing huge, but it is significant enough that i'll write it here to help me remember. caffeine affects me quite a lot...and sleep deprivation makes me hate the world...or at least most of the things i come into contact with in the world.

i make lots of iced tea here and i always use decaffeinated tea bags...always. except for when i buy generic and don't realize that they aren't decaf...then i buy caffeinated, apparently. and after a couple of weeks of drinking caffeinated tea, not sleeping well, and then finally downing two huge glasses of it (after working my ass off in the heat....i've mentioned the heat?) before bed, and not sleeping at all that night...well, that's where the study on the effects of sleep deprivation come in...

yesterday was bad. it wasn't so bad on the outside....my nephew was here and we had a lot of fun with him. and it was my sexy spouse's birthday, so i made an angel food cake and took pictures and made cards, etc... but on the inside....man, my head and heart and spirit were seriously, seriously polluted. not a good place to be alone, which unfortunately, seems to be the primary way i experience myself most of the time....

so, thankfully, as i was lamenting (to myself) how the world was going to hell in a hand basket and how everyone i love are just turning into selfish assholes, it occurred to me that maybe i was a tad sleepy and maybe after some sleep, i wouldn't quite see everything so negatively. (of course, the two year old in me insisted i was NOT sleepy and everyone DID just suck...but i held her for a minute and she promptly fell asleep.) so i went to bed and when i woke up this morning, felt so good, it was all i could do to stop myself from skipping and singing "zippity doo dah"....only because i can't stand a braggart.

but i am humbled and grateful. i am so glad i kept my trap shut yesterday and didn't hurt people i love by saying things that weren't even true. i am so glad i took care of myself last night. i am glad i was able to give my spouse some of my energy in celebration of his day, but drew the line when i knew i was past the point of being able to celebrate any more.

i also want to thank a friend of mine...jen...because she has put so many wonderful poems and films and words that i have found so much light in on her blog lately. thank you, thank you, thank you. (can i add you to my blog roll? would that be ok?)

and i hear julie walker is continuing to get better. she got to go home yesterday...yes, two days after brain surgery. she's doing very, very well. never underestimate the power of praying mamas...(and papas, too, of course)

i am feeling much, much better today...i'm grateful for the beautiful (if not a tad bit warm) day and for all the wonderful people who surround me who don't give up on me, even when i become a selfish asshole...kisses.
peace

guess i'm feeling irritable

because i'm thinking about how tired i am of summer...

it's just so damned hot...

and there's no structure...it's all so willy-nilly...the kids are always asking me if they can do everything? can we buy some candy? can we have ice cream? can i go outside? can i get a kleenex? can i sit on the toilet seat?... ugh... i like i better when we have a routine and they all just know what to do without asking... and all that asking means so much talking and how is a mama supposed to think with all that talking going on?....

and did i mention how freaking hot it is? like, if it's outside and you don't do it before ten or after seven, you'll probably get a heat stroke...

and we're going camping...what was i thinking? there have been so many errands to run and so much stuff to buy...camping gets expensive when you only do it every year or two and lend out your stuff or lose it and then don't have what you need.

ok, this is getting whiny instead of irritable. it's probably the heat getting to me...

we've been busy since we got up and we're just taking a small break before we get busy for the rest of the day....it's actually going quite well. i think we'll be ready when it's time to go. (although my bil wants me to leave here at three in the morning and you tell me who the hell's ready at three in the morning...) but we're making good progress. if we can get the things on the list done for today, i think we'll be pretty smooth from here out... wish us luck!
peace

ps--julie walker did great. i am told she is looking great and her first words out of anaesthesia were about whether or not her son had fed their dogs and whether her daughter had written thank you notes...or something like that. i hope if i am ever coming out of anaesthesia with someone in the room to hear me, well, that i just don't say anything. but thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts and energy...it worked.

pps--ok, i'll be quiet. after whining about the heat and summer and such, i read this story. i mean geez, the whole olympics coming, you're trying to clean up stuff, deal with civil protests, what not and then bam...more trouble... makes me laugh because i feel like i can relate... (i'm sure china deeply appreciates my understanding...snort)