dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

the goal is awareness

and i am failing miserably.

i set a goal this week to be aware of what i do with my time. yet i still arrive at the end of my days wondering where the hell the time went and whether or not i got a thing done...and then i usually fall asleep before i answer either of those questions. which makes for a rather disjointed existence...lots of surprises, i 'll admit...but a little disconcerting when you're a hsing mama of five.

but let me tell you a couple of things i remember...

one thing i find deeply, deeply pleasing in a quiet, delightful way is the way water runs through baby hair. my youngest and i took a bath tonight and i had that warm full feeling you get when you get to do something you love, forgot you loved, and all of a sudden, the warmth of every time you've ever done it fills you.

i'm watching that same littlest suck her fingers with sleepy swollen eyes try to suck her thumb while i type this.

and i heard the absolute funniest line tonight..."i'm going to tell him every time he looks at porn, god kills a puppy."

ok, littlest is finished. g'nite...
peace

vulnerable

i've been thinking about this word a lot lately...the feeling of being vulnerable. maybe it's just awareness...maybe our vulnerability doesn't change that often...we just feel it more so at different times...i don't know.

as i was walking yesterday, this song kind of made me crack open a little in my resistance to this whole vulnerability thing...

i don't want to sound completely narcissistic, but i think maybe the ghost i think of in this song is a ghost of me...not necessarily someone i used to be, but someone i used to think i was.

and then this song made me smile...

the whole "what makes me think i can start clean slated? the hardest to learn was the least complicated"...it always makes me smile. i've always had a hard time integrating the person i can't stand i am sometimes with the person i really want to be...and figuring out who i am in the middle. and somewhere in there, there are moments of incredible vulnerability...but again...i know that whatever or whoever i am, i am stronger than i believe. and however vulnerable i feel...i am incredibly resilient...and can forgive almost anyone anything...including, i've learned, even me.

peace out

ps--the weirdest spell check experience...it corrected every spelling of vulnerability, replacing it with the exact same spelling i had. i think the computers are just starting to screw with our heads...sensing weakness in the humans, they're making their psychological move...beware, folks. just sayin'. (and for further proof, it just did the same thing with psychological...weird...seriously weird...)

pss--oh, let me add this song that a friend posted the lyrics to earlier today and really made me smile...this is one of my most favorite songs...makes me smile in a place deep, deep down. it's originally a prince song, but i like matt nathanson's cover a little better...and this version is even better.

peace out for real...

letting go

it has been interesting to go through the last few days trying to be aware of the things i'm holding onto as permanent that aren't...and trying to let go of that. it almost forces you to stay more flexible, more loose, more open. it makes me hesitant to define things because i'll probably just have to go back and let go of that, too. maybe i'll get better at truer or more flexible definitions, but i really don't know. i do know that i'm not ready for that step yet because i am still barely learning to walk in this first step.

so in the midst of all of this...i mean, i'm still hsing, and mom-ing, and sistering, and wife-ing, and friending, and daughtering...we had a rough night last night. it was over money. which has been an issue for my family since my spouse left pharmacy and started med school. but even the first couple of years, he worked as a pharmacist when he wasn't in class and it worked. the last two years were a little slimmer, but alright. but now? sigh... with the economy getting tougher, our children getting older, and our savings dwindling...it's kind of...well, i won't define it...but it brought me to my knees for awhile last night. and there's not even that much to say about it. i know things will change. i will try to stay open to answers as they come to me and flexible when i realize something hasn't been working. and i will work to be accepting of it. to work together with my spouse...not let some judgment of good or bad lead to exaggerated emotions...it's all you can really do, right? i mean, there are certainly things that can change. but there are things we don't want to change as a family. and we just have to figure out what is what and how hard to work to maintain what we value. well, that sounds easy enough...

i don't mean to be a buzzkill talking about my money woes. i just had to let a little of this out. sometimes fears are so big, but then when you define them, see a way through them, they're not so much anymore.

now to pay bills...
peace

good byes

my grandmother buried her sister today. well, she didn't exactly dig the hole or anything, but she went through all the rituals, ceremonies, services, and hymns. i've never seen her cry like that before. i'm sure she cried hard when my grandfather died thirty-four years ago, but since that was, like, a few months after i was born...i don't really remember it.

my grandmother is eighty-five years old. and she is quite spry for an eighty-five year old, let me tell you. her sister was eighty-eight and not really as spry, but still very stern and german and tough, which my grandmother is, too. they used to speak german to each other...we could never tell if it was habit or because they were saying great interesting things they didn't want us to hear. whichever it was, she never taught us any german.

anyway...we said good bye to my great aunt today. (and the minister that spoke at her services...i don't know what was up with him...but he pretty much shut the door on my aunt velma today...no living in the memories and hearts of those who loved her, no living legacy of her love shared...nothing...just the pain of good bye and trust in the lord to take her home...but then we prayed that jesus would recognize her as one of his lambs and, i mean really, how much can you trust a deity that you have to ask to recognize one of his children?...i don't know....it was really kind of weird but different strokes, different folks, etc, i suppose...) i told my grandmother i loved her. and even though i'm rarely around her, i really do. i didn't know her sister very well, to be honest. but i ached deeply for her loss as i felt my grandmother tremble at it. and i admit, i was glad my own sister was there to share the experience.

i was going to add some more quotes from the book i was reading. i finished it last night. but i can do that tomorrow. tonight is also my spouse and my anniversary. with the way things have been lately, it'd been kind of easy to just let it go...but i'm smarter than that. we won't do anything huge, but we will share it and at the least be aware. at the least...sometimes that's the biggest thing lacking...awareness. but i'm working on it.
peace