swimming

or treading water...

hormones are amazing things...propelling our bodies forward...preparing them for what the future holds...even when our brains just can't wrap around the future.

yesterday was such a blue kind of day. ugh. but today's a little better. i mean, it's early yet...i guess i could still go either way, but i'm feeling like it'll be a little better. yesterday, nothing was making it better. well, i didn't actually buy any fried chicken, so that may have made it better, i guess i'll never know... but it was just one of those "sit in it" kind of days...because i just wasn't motivated to do anything. and i was a little worried... but then i thought about how i'd probably feel better if i just went to bed early. and it was kind of hard. because my spouse and second born left for four days this morning...and i really wanted to be in a better place the night before...but sometimes i want blue or brown eyes or cooler weather or to have a bigger house and, well, wanting it doesn't just change what is. so i went to bed early. and woke up again and again thinking surely my spouse had fallen asleep on a floor somewhere and would be late meeting the other dad and robo-kiddo going on the trip. but i'd find him getting his stuff together somewhere...probably enjoying that i wasn't tsking or sighing every time he'd reach for something he wanted to take that i didn't think he needed, wanting us to go to bed at a decent hour, being frustrated he was keeping us up. (i guess i have some stuff to work on there...when i'm not always exhausted and feel the need to stay up and be "helpful"....)

so i woke up in a better mood today. woke the whole house up to say good-bye to our family members who'd be gone. wish them luck. tell them how much fun they'd have. (ok, my spouse wasn't the one who needed all the reassurance...second born was a little nervous about the whole thing...and rightfully so...this is big stuff...exciting, cool, fun stuff...i'm thrilled for him)

i'm actually kind of glad my spouse will be gone for awhile. sometimes, when i'm having a rough time, i want him to help me out. which is nice and he tries, but when i'm feeling really low, he's really no help. he doesn't know what to do. he wants to help me the way i want the house clean...i really, really want it...i know it will make lots of things better and it's important to me...but there are so many more attractive distractions and i really only get around to doing something about it a fraction of the time i wish i did. and i'm okay with this. i don't particularly like wading into the depths of my spouse's personal shit, anymore than i like cleaning bathrooms. so it's good for him to leave for a bit, so i can find my own feet again. i just wrote about depression being a hole we fall down, down, down in...waiting for someone or something to grab us and stop the descent...and it's not until we realize that we're the ones that have to stop it by standing on our own two feet that we actually stop sinking lower. i realized that last night. that with dh leaving, i'd probably find my feet. and it was good. i mean, it's not like i had to kick him out...we already had this trip planned...good stuff. things working out, and all that jazz.

there are a lot of things i am working through, i guess. and the extra hormones are making it all feel like i'm trying to do this in fog and on drugs or something. i don't know... plus i think i have allergies going on, but i'm in denial, which means i'm not doing my neti pot, which means i'm having allergies and not helping myself...what is that mechanism??? it's so not helpful but so deeply ingrained in me. anyway...i'm actually using my writing journal lately. i guess some stuff is kind of deep and feels too raw to put on a blog. i'd like to think if i air a bit, look it over on paper, i'd find it not so big and scary and go ahead and write about it here. i've stopped writing much at all, and i'm sure that's not helping me either. i also need to get back on the treadmill regularly...but i think these are probably things i'll move back towards...now that i've got a few days on my own...where who's responsible for what is a little clearer. i'm optimistic...and that itself feels like sunshine.

peace

gentle morning

this has been an easy going morning. we each woke up on our own. i've made coffee, talked to my sister who was on her way to help my dad board up his house in anticipation of hurricane ike, caught up on email, eaten a little breakfast, hugged each of my children, talked to my niece who has the new baby, read blogs, visited the cyber tribe...

last night was a hard night for a little while. it's been awhile since i felt like i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing as a parent. and i was only there for an hour or so last night. (makes me cringe to remember how i used to spend days there...poor kiddos...poor mama.) but last night, my oldest was so angry. i mean, he'd been angry off and on throughout the day...i think i even blogged about it being kind of cute. but when they got home from rock climbing last night, he was just so pissed. i guess his younger brothers had been pretty loud in the car on the way home and it just set off something in him. he wasn't really sure what it was, either. he just said we had too many people in our house. which i understand...i feel the same way at times. it just gets too loud and i can't think straight...i get a headache. but i pointed out to eldest that he was the only person in our house who had a room all to himself... he ended up taking a shower and eating some soup that dh had made for dinner and then going to bed. and he seems more himself today. i think he slept in a little. i've seen him smile some...

it's hard to watch him get so angry and seem so lost in that anger. i don't want him to feel alone, although i guess in some ways you have to be alone in anger...it's part of what defines it at times. and i think i make him angrier when i don't just leave him alone...sometimes. sigh...nothing's always, huh? it'd be easier if it was...but it's not.

my second born son is also entering his own pre-puberty/puberty is a-coming stage. i can see it in his eyes. i know he'll handle the rush of hormones and emotions differently from his big brother. i think sometimes that's his mission...to be different from his big brother. don't get me wrong, he's a beautiful child...and i sometimes feel myself pull away from him because he is so much like me...and it's beautiful to see me reflected in someone else and horrifying all at the same time. so i try to just focus on him...not the me-ness at all. and i guess this is a motivating factor in all the ego contemplation lately.

whew, i have stopped and started this blog so many times, i'm just going to post it.
peace

i just don't want anyone to get hurt

so awhile back we went and saw the new indiana jones movie...last weekend, maybe... and it was great indiana jones. i figured the big screen of the drive-in would make it a little less intense for my guys who are not so experienced in the capabilities of special effects when conveying scary stuff. and then there's the fact that at the drive-in, you don't have to cover your eyes when you're scared. you just look up at a beautiful field of stars, and instead of being a chicken, you're a star gazer. how cool is that?

when we got home, there were a few "concerns" at bedtime. and the one that was the most concerned was my second born son, my ten year old. he kind of looked at me, rolled his eyes a little, and said, "it's ok...mostly..." in a voice that said "i'm not feeling safe to go to bed...sorry." and it was the apology in his voice that got me. because i was the same way as a child. i could watch scary movies with the rest of everyone, but my parents put a stop to it. because they were the ones who ended up by my bed at night while i was wide awake, looking out for the radioactive children from the bus that drove through the funny cloud and had black fingernails and burned and killed everyone they touched in that small town...just in case they showed up in my bedroom, you know?

so i hug my son...i tell him that those guys are fine....they LOVE what they do...get paid LOTS of money to do it. that they are having the times of their lives making it look like they're in danger or hurting one another or whatever. and aren't they quite good at that? at which point he looks up at me and says, "i just don't want anyone to get hurt." and i hug him closer and get tears in my eyes.

because i feel, at times, like we live in a world that would annihilate a boy who says that. would call him a sissy, tell him to "toughen up," and make him hide that part of himself so far down, no one would ever find it again. embarrass him, mock him, whatever it took. i see stuff like this often...our society doesn't even pretend to be kind much of the time. they make fun of people without even a hint of kindness, apology, or sense of shared humanity is what i guess i'm really getting at. and i love that my son is so openly sensitive. that he remains who he is while caring for others...even when the others tell him he should be different. i learn a lot from him.

i told him i understood...that i don't want anyone to get hurt either. and that even though people do still get hurt, they heal, too, and that's sometimes better than staying safe. he looked at me and smiled this smile... sometimes i think he knows stuff i haven't even begun to ponder yet.

i don't know why i get so defensive about that part of myself and those i love. it's really unnecessary.

i was feeling kind of defensive last night because trying to be peaceful and gentle...trying to believe that people have the answers in themselves and just need time and love to find them...and that there's really no need to hurt someone...that we all have equal value as human beings...is not easy. you watch others come in and try to direct someone, tell them what they need to do, maybe the other person tries it for awhile, and then maybe it all blows up or falls apart or sets them back a little or forward a little or whatever. and there you are, watching the whole thing, loving everyone involved even though you're human...you might feel a little impatient with the whole situation...with some one's need to be in charge and tell others what to do...or some one's inability to stand up for themselves. and here you are...watching, loving, trying to be patient while everyone thinks you're a "yes" woman, or afraid to stand up for yourself, or unable to lead or direct. yet you know you've made this commitment, you have this core belief...and you can't help but stick with your truth, stay your course, it feels so deeply right, even though, frankly, a part of you is starting to want to go ahead and chunk it all out the window and just let fly with the negativity you are trying to convert to a positive energy to benefit everyone... ack.

this is getting a bit cynical here. but i will end it with saying that again, i could be the person any of those pronouns take the place of in the previous paragraph, and i know it. as much as i try to support people in becoming who they feel pulled to be, i know i blow it. i know i push. i am, in fact, quite human. ask my kids...they don't lie. they may have a moment of blind optimism, but give them a minute and it'll pass. as much as i despise people thinking any of those things about me, i know there are people i've thought those things about. it hurts me to be the thinker as much as it hurts me to be the feeler. and for some reason, seeing the truth in that sets me free...free from what others' may see in me and free from that same judgmental part of myself.

it is what i feel pulled to be and it is what i think i see reflected sometimes in my ten year old's eyes. he's already pretty much there. i think he's saving me a spot.

peace

ps--i've posted a version of this song before. i have always loved it, though i don't completely understand it. it's the indigo girls and emily sings beautifully, even though it's not the whole song. i can understand parts of the song, but not what the whole thing is saying, although maybe it is saying that when you take a nonviolent path, you don't last as long in this world...because those on a violent path maybe take you out. and that ultimately, that is a part of the path of nonviolence. of course, we'd all like to live to be as old at the dalai lama, but that's not a guarantee. for anyone, truly... still pondering...