life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace