life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

yes, more lyrics

treadmill time is a very happy time for me. yes, i like to sweat a little. yes, i like to feel like i'm getting a little stronger, moving around, working my muscles and bones and whathaveyou. but it's also because i put on music...and i sing...oh, i sing...it's a concert in my head and i love it. it makes me feel like i can make it through anything.

yesterday was kind of a crap day. i don't know what puts a shadow on some days and not others. sometimes maybe you catch someone in a bad mood, and that bad mood just stays with you the rest of the day...you wrestle it...defend yourself from it...but essentially keep it close for some reason god only knows...but god probably wonders why the hell i hold on to it, too, to be honest. anyway...i think if i just make an effort to immerse myself in things that make me happy when i feel that shadow holding on, maybe it'll take some of the edge off. maybe not...but maybe. i realize some shit you just have to sit in until it's time to get up...if you try to get up too soon, well, you're just not done yet. but some shit...and i can tell when it's this kind of shit (because after three and a half decades, i'm becoming somewhat of an expert on shit, donchaknow)...you just don't need to carry around...and that's the kind a little light therapy can help with.

so on the treadmill today...this is the song that caught my ear and my spirit. it's another terri hendrix and i didn't even bother with you tube because it was the words that got me...

No Love in Texas
By Terri Hendrix

I can’t get no love in Texas
It’s just hot air and cactus
All work and Taxes
Red lights and traffic
You know
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your sexy and still be naïve
Wanted to be everything and more each time you looked at me
I gotta tell you
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your only just a little bit of company
Now it’s a white knuckled flight
Thinkin’ ‘bout fantasies
With a copy of fear of flying
Tucked between my knees

Got these vampires at my window
Scratchin’ on the screen
They wanna take me on a head trip
Leave behind a crime scene
That’s a freaky kind of love

Sometimes my soul gets junky and I feel real funky
Like a bird in a cage or a dog on a chain
And like there’s a barrel of monkey’s swingin’ through my brain

the last two stanzas are the ones that really caught me...but the last three lines are my favorite, i think. i do like the whole song, though.

ok, now i have some things to get to...upward and onward.
peace out

happy new year

i went into new year's feeling like, "uhm, whatever...just another day." but after reading some of the reflections and resolutions from other bloggers and mamas, i started feeling a little more inspired. but due to the increase in personages in my home (yep, nephews are still visiting til tomorrow), i'm unable to get my blog on with the extra eyes. (my blog is relatively private to those who know me and trying to blog with people who don't know i blog is like trying to shit in a public bathroom...well, if you're a woman...i hear it's nothing to drop a load in the men's bathroom, lucky ducks.)

so, i'll just say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! and be back for more insightful stuff tomorrow...and there's been lots...
peace

shit

it just has to be the title because it's the word that's gone through my head so many times lately and in so many different contexts that i'm going to WRITE about it...

so, first off, like with all this anger and stuff with my mom, i've been thinking a lot about my shit, her shit...whose shit? and how do we get this shit worked out?

and then last night, i was watching this documentary with a friend called young at heart. now, this is about a senior choir singing modern music. it is make you laugh, makes you cry, feel it down to your toes and maybe even pee your pants kind of wonderful. but that's just my opinion. (although i'm pretty sure jen would agree.) and, since it's about seniors, i don't think i'll blow it if i tell you someone dies. or maybe more than one...you'll have to see the movie for that. but here i am all choked up because someone died, and the people on the screen are saying things like, "he was a nice guy. there will forever be a hole in our group. now let's go sing." i mean, not in so many words. but it was the attitude. one woman said she knew, without a doubt, that the guy who died would want them to go on. that she'd want the show to go on if it was her. another woman said she'd already told the choir that if she collapsed on stage, just push her out of the way and keep singing. it was....what's the word? humbling? sort of. the kind of thing that puts your life in perspective...that helps you see what's important AS WELL AS how much shit you're putting energy into that just doesn't matter. (yes, remember, this is about shit) but the odd thing was when i thought about letting go and embracing what was important, i felt some mental hold tighten on my shit...i mean, no lie. i felt it. i don't know what that's about...it's definitely shit i need to work on...this over attachment to my shit....but it was a strange glimpse into the troll thing that resides in my brain...along with the beautiful spirit part, of course. (oh, but i guess she doesn't reside in my brain...oh well)

so i went to the maker faire with my son's robotics team today. it was a blast. amazing. we're doing a research product on biosolids. what are biosolids? well, go google them. but just know that i am constantly amazed at the shit i learn about with my kids. i mean, you just never know the shit you could become an expert on... (yes, pun intended...)

and while at the maker faire, i met my friend jeanni and her son...and upon seeing them i realized how very deeply i had missed these two particular people. i mean, they are always here with me, a part of me...always will be, i imagine. but it was a deep pulling feeling when i saw them. we laughed a lot today and saw some pretty amazing and nerdy and awesome things...that strangely, we were all able to appreciate together...or not so strangely...but seeing jeanni was, yes, the shit.

and so concludes today's discourse on shit. it's just a part of life, right? it happens...it smells awful, but it can also grow some pretty amazing things.
peace