winding down...

so, today is 38 weeks...can you believe i've been doing this pregnant thing for THIRTY-EIGHT weeks? i can't... i am rolling along fine...dilating a few here...effacing some there...and now my spouse is finished working his month of nights, so i'm thinking i might be able to relax some and get this thing started soon...but who knows?

so here are some belly shots...i've been promising my mama tribe. i did these last week, but, as i think you can tell by the concentration it took just to get the shots in my bathroom mirror, i am a total novice at this. (oh, and my shirt is not dirty...the kids' bathroom mirror is dirty...see? i didn't even think to clean it off before i started this...) i did a couple with my shirt down, and a couple with my shirt up. my husband swears i still don't look pregnant from behind, but whatever... :)



yeah, so by that last one, i realized i could actually look at the mirror and get a face shot in there...not that that's exactly the face i would've chosen, but i just wasn't about to try to redo these. (oh bonnie, where are you when i need you?...)

the baby's going to be a pumpkin for halloween tomorrow, so i'll get my spouse to take some pics of that, along with all the other kids, and maybe i'll get those posted before thanksgiving...hehe. actually, i've been having some pretty intense abdominal muscle pain and now have to take it easy as much as possible, so i'll probably get them posted next week since sitting at the computer does not constitute overdoing it.

ok, well, there are things to think over...and i'm sure i'll get around to those...but for today, pictures is enough.

peace out

hi

wow, long time no write, eh? i think it started with computer issues...viruses and stuff...and eventually, i just never got back into the habit of blogging. i still blog in my head often, but nothing i actually feel compelled to type out. well, there was one the other day, but i can't remember how i started it...and i'm kind of bummed about that. i'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

i'll be 38 weeks pregnant friday. crazy, huh? i took some pics of my belly i'll upload soon...like hopefully before the baby gets here. i'm contracting lots...have been off and on since last friday or so. i had a very uncomfortable night last night, but a warm shower and reading til the cramp (that's what i'm calling it for now) worked itself out. i've taken it a lot easier today. and my spouse ends his month of nights on thursday night, so it'll be nice to have my partner here when shit like that happens...and not have to page him and wait for him to be finished helping pregnant women NOT carrying his baby...not that i'm bitter, hehe.

but what prompted me to blog was earlier tonight. my three younger sons are in cce (which no catholic i know can tell me what exactly that stands for...catholic catechism education is the most reasonable thing i've heard, but i'm not 100% on that) and cce is wednesday nights. my spouse leaves for work after i leave to take the kids, so it's just me and the teenager (his high school religious group thingie is on sunday night) for an hour or more. tonight i asked him to go with me to drop off, so he could walk the kids up and i could just sit in the car. watching my four sons walk up to the religious ed building, all grouped together, all so much taller than the last time i watched all four of them walk together, some so much more broad...it was wild...just wild. amazing. joyous and nostalgic and incredible and humbling.

and that's all i have time for because now i need to drive him to go pick up those same guys.

peace

and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

life, whatnot

the bean is moving around a lot lately. it kind of weirds me out how much i can feel now, because i know the bean's only going to get bigger the second half of this pregnancy and i'm a little intimidated when i think about it... seems like since this is my fifth pregnancy, i shouldn't be so surprised by all of this, but, well, i am. i feel all thumbs... but it's a good thumby kind of feeling...lots of faith buoying me...and friends letting me know they're doing neat things like praying for me.

it was a good time this past week. we had a lot of fun hanging out with our friends we drove up to see. three mamas, ten kids, one on the way, and no dads...it was good stuff. really, really comfortable.

i just got five new books in the mail. three are about diet, fast food, the connection between health and eating. the other two are an anne lamott book and an inner/primal woman kind of thing. just covering all my bases, you know. i don't know why i haven't been updating my book list...i have read so many books this year. maybe i'll go through the pile next to my bed and put the ones i've read on there...you know, some day.

my house is coming along. not where i want it to be, but not so far behind i feel like it will never catch up.

the bunnies are all still safe. everyone seems to be fine. the one in teen's room is molting...what a freaking drag for poor teen. i think the vacuum will definitely become his good friend. the other two have peed all up and down the divider in their room (which translates to "this is my side and that's yours") and that's fine...whatever makes them happy as long as everybun's ears and eyes stay intact.

and markers...i talked a little this past week to a couple of friends about the bean's marker. i really don't think it's going to amount to anything. i don't always check on my feelings about that, so it was nice to check a little and find them pretty alright. and, i'll say, that for this week, i think the bean might be a girl...just what i'm thinking for this week and there is no promise at all that this is how i'll feel next week...but i thought i'd throw that in today.

otherwise, everything's moving along pretty steadily.
peace

markers

i think i've written before about crawling under enchanted rock...it's like a cave, but i don't know if it's technically a cave. i'm not a really technical person. but it gets really cramped in there and sometimes you just aren't sure you're going the way you're supposed to go or if you're making your own path that will not eventually lead you out into the light again. but people who have been through before you have put little arrows along the way to let you know where to go at certain points and that is what i look for, desperately sometimes. it's reassuring to know that you are, in fact, on the right path...or at least a path someone before you has traveled. and this image of these arrows comes back to me again and again and again...sometimes i wish there were arrows, little markers in life, to tell me yes, some one's been this way before and they felt good enough about it to leave an arrow telling the next person "this is a good way."

when i was pregnant for the third time, my ultrasound revealed a soft marker for down's syndrome in my baby. a second ultrasound revealed a second marker. down's syndrome isn't fatal...after working at camp for years, i could honestly say it would probably be on my list of the top five syndromes i'd choose for my child if i had to choose. but it was emotional. i cried. researched and found resources. it was just a little different not hearing "this is another perfect baby"...and i eventually got past it. my thirdborn did come early...at thirty-five weeks due a placental abruption...spent nine days in the nicu...and was three days old before i remembered to ask the neonatologist if he, in fact, had down's syndrome. he is now a perfect nine year old...although his brothers would probably disagree a little...and he doesn't have any problems related at all to any of those markers.

so...now i am pregnant for the fifth time. and we have another marker. it is not a huge marker. but it is a marker for a syndrome that is fatal. and (this part makes me roll my eyes and laugh and cry all at the same time) my age affects the odds of this baby having this syndrome...which are still really, really low... i believe things will be fine. other than this one marker, this baby is perfect...out of all of the other markers this syndrome can come with, this baby has none. and we got really good pictures yesterday. but i've cried...felt overwhelmed...researched and learned...and decided things are really probably going to be fine.

i went to bed last night thinking about markers. the ones i'd find under enchanted rock, the ones i've looked for since, the ones i've learned about during ultrasounds. sometimes i get angry that ultrasounds can cause such worry and concern...i am sure they are helpful to those who intend to do more testing and perhaps make different choices related to that testing...but for me, they just shake me up. but then getting my world shaken up is not always a bad thing. i admit, it is rarely what i purposely choose, but it is not necessarily bad. it can be exhausting because it can be a lot of work to put all those shaken around things back into different places...it can be especially hard to remember where the hell you've put some of those things once you've gotten it put back together...but i think i'm rambling here. but i always ramble, so what difference does it make?...

anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...sometimes we're doing well just to find the next circle of light to step into, move forward. arlo guthrie talks about you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and on a very basic level that i can't put into words, i understand this...way down deep...in a place i don't usually feel it when my words probably capture it better.

it feels like a quiet time. like a think in something other than words time. i often feel i can minister to my fears...quiet them by asserting some illusion of control in my life. make them disappear for awhile. and it usually works...well, a little. but now is a surrendering time. not laying over on my side and letting someone or something else take over and do the work, but a becoming a part of something bigger than just me. and maybe my fears don't need to be let go of so much as just join in the energy that propels me and not what guides me.

i've been thinking lately about how weird it can get inside my head when people compliment me on my child's behavior...or make critical remarks. how over-identifying who i am with who my children are can be a dangerous thing for me...it can be crippling when they "misbehave" as children do...but it can almost be worse when they are doing the amazing things that children also do. my children's successes are theirs. not mine. someone told me the other day what an awesome son i had, and i replied, "yes, i'm glad to know him, too," because he is not mine...he is not me...he is his own. and, i admit this makes it easier for me to learn this, he resents the hell out of me taking any ownership of his successes. (now, his failures...he's all about offering up his failures for someone else to own...) and when i was thinking about this, i thought about how i often think of babies i'm pregnant with as my baby, as an extension of me. but this baby isn't me...anymore than this baby will be me when this baby is a teenager. i am charged with loving and caring for this baby...as i am also charge with loving and caring for the children who can already walk and talk back. i am charged with offering myself, openly and honestly, in service and in guidance, to these children...accepting that i will affect and change who these people are...and allowing them to affect me equally. i will do the best i can...out of respect for myself, these children, and the guiding force that binds us all. and i have come to accept that part of that responsibility includes and necessitates getting a little shook up and finding new places for the things that are not yet where they belong.

peace

some things

i am tired. i do not sleep very well when my spouse works nights. i mean, eventually, after enough nights of night sleeping well, i will just pass the hell out. but even then, i'm usually so dead asleep i wake up with a crick in my neck or my shoulder all out of whack. i just walk around from about six o'clock on looking for that other part of me... (aww, how sweet...but seriously, it gets old)

speaking of my spouse...when he became an ob/gyn, i had no idea what this would mean for our relationships with the women in our families and lives. the information we would suddenly become privy to...the questions we'd be asked...discussions that would arise...confidences we would enter into. i would like to think that, in some ways, this will really enhance my sons' understanding of women, their ability to appreciate the depth of the experience...and not just women on the t.v. screen or women you read about or, even worse sometimes, hear about...but women they love and have been loved by...aunts, cousins...

i am starting to have periods of feeling like i just might have my head wrapped around this whole "i am pregnant and will have a baby in november" idea...for awhile i was thinking "maybe i'll have a kitten...a kitten would be nice..." (i think that meant my head wasn't so wrapped around the idea...) i have an ultrasound next week. and almost everyone i know has insisted i find out the sex. and although i am a huge people pleaser by nature, i'm really kind of leaning toward not finding out. but i am having a hard time committing to much in this vein that has taken over my life in so many ways...so the decision is probably, in all reality, still wide open at this point.

oh, and rabies vaccinations. this is a subject i could talk about forever...almost as interesting to me as the last election for some reason. it all started when my youngest was bitten in the face by a stray dog a few years back...what a fiasco. i mean, it went fairly smoothly...but emotionally, i was wrecked. i mean, sure, i was worried about my kid...reading about rabies, even though you know the dog probably did not have rabies and therefore your child really probably does not have rabies, but just reading about it, and how, you know, deadly it is...and how much the treatment sucks...was enough to do.me.in. and then i had all this guilt that this woman had to pay to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out...only she didn't have to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out, she had to do it because her dog wasn't up to date on his vaccinations...which really sucked because my dogs were up to date on theirs, but i couldn't judge her for not having her dog up to date...it's one of those goofy laws that i could totally see myself breaking either by choice based on principal against over vaccinating dogs against rabies or, you know, just because i forgot. anyway...i just find rabies discussions fascinating. but i don't think they make such great coffee table topics... and i am stuck on this because i took my dogs to the vet today. this is normally a task i dread, but by the grace of a great vet, i usually end up glad i did it. today wasn't so much like that...you know, grace-filled. the vet wasn't awful...but not my favorite either. so much not my favorite that i didn't even ask her what she thought about rabies vaccinations...nyeh.

and there...i think i have purged my brain for now. i do miss my spouse...and i don't see myself as overly dependent on him. (we've been having this discussion in my cyber-tribe about being overly-anything...and generally, it just doesn't feel like compliment...we were also having a rabies discussion, but almost all my conversations in real life these days start out with, "on my mama board we were talking about...." so maybe i should not base my blog on these threads, too.) anyway...i think i'm a pretty independent woman. but i do miss the guy i sleep with every night. and it's not just the sex. really. i mean it.

peace

blah

i'm not totally blah...just kind of off and on blah....just wanted to clarify that.

i was kind of pissed at my husband. he brought home a six pack of beer a few days ago. now, i've never been one of those "i can't drink so you can't drink" kind of wives when i'm pregnant. well, i never thought i was. truth is, he's always been one of those "you can't drink so i won't drink" kind of husbands. but apparently, he doesn't feel like being that kind of husband anymore. and so now, i realize i'm kind of one of those "icdsycd" wives...are you with me on the shorthand? i'd really like to be one of those "hey, it's no big deal, drink away" kind of wives...i would. but being pregnant at thirty-five with a teen and at the end of this freaking eternal med school/residency thing...i'm just not one of those. i tried it on for a day or two and nope, it just wasn't my thing. made me feel like one of those "laugh it up fuzzball...drink you ass off...and i'll kill you while you sleep" kind of wives. well, just a little bit, but i prefer not to be one of those types of wives at all if i can possibly avoid it. and i am avoiding it. i sent the beer to my bil's house. (who had the freaking nerve to tell me, on his brother's behalf, that nine months is a long time...oh? really? i had no fucking clue....) oops...feeling a little bitter here...

so, it's not like bringing home a six pack was unforgivable. i'm really working on forgiveness. (forgivishness...forgot all about it until this very second...doh) it's more that feeling of we might be in this together, but really, it's on me. but maybe i'm just hormonal...and the truth is that as much as this bothers me at times, i just don't feel like thinking all that much about it. but i can't deny, when i see my spouse, right now, my general feeling is just sort of blah...with a hint of forgivishness.

peace

still here, still hormonal

but doing alright...

there are so many things i think about in a day. so many things i feel passionately about...at least for that minute i'm thinking it. i guess in some ways, it's good to revisit this tripped out hormonal state...because i had forgotten how maddening and debilitating it can be (and i think it will help me be empathetic as my guys approach or wallow in teen-hood). i can't even beat my high score on this word game i love because 1. my fingers won't type right...i mean, if i told you how many times i have to back up and retype stuff because i keep hitting the wrong keys, you'd probably cry for me and 2. i can't remember how to spell anything...seriously. i just can't. and i'm blaming it all on the hormones. i talked to my kids about this yesterday, and it's like now my teenager "gets" me...he's really nice...or at least, if i snap at him, he doesn't snap back. he just gives me this look full of empathy, pats my shoulder, and walks away... he even let me hit him with a pillow yesterday...and i think that was kind of hard for him because i don't have ninja like reflexes and i'm pretty sure he saw it coming...but he didn't block it. he said it looked like i needed that.

i was trying to support my sil through some stuff with my nephew the other day, but apparently, i don't offer the kind of support she's looking for. so there i was, all ready to give support, and she was avoiding me. it was kind of hurting my feelings until i realized i was trying to help her and that if she wasn't ready for it, i really should back the hell off. oh yeah... so even though that was a little slow in coming, at least i got there....

i told my spouse that my therapist said it would be hard for me to get my needs met in a house full of males...and he got kind of pissed and wanted to know if that was his fault. uhm...i wasn't really prepared for that response. so i asked him if he was having trouble getting some of his own needs met. (well, i should, for the sake of honesty, explain that the first part happened one night and i didn't actually ask him about his needs for another two days...i was pretty pissed at his reaction to my attempt to explain how much it sucks to be so hormonal in a house of selfish, er, i mean men used to me taking care of my own needs...so that's how that went down.) now, he's going to help me try to get the house cleaned up/organized/decluttered. we're picking a project a night...but i know me...we'll be taking some nights off. i'm kind of over the "super-tired" hump, but i found a "yep, still-tired" plateau right on the other side...sigh.

oh, and my sil gave me a diaper bag. it's kind of huge. and she was showing me all the compartments and changing mats and "features"...etc...and i told her she was giving me a little bit of an anxiety attack... oh! and then later that night, over dinner, my husband was talking about the money he would've made if he would've stayed a pharmacist for eight years instead of doing this medical school thing...omg...it's almost enough to drive a pregnant woman to drink. i mean, it was enough for my sil to hand me the wine bottle...sigh.

see, it's not that i don't want to be pregnant. it's just that i was kind of used to being a mom of four...four who were pretty independent and stuff. i mean, there were days and such, but i'm a little insecure about my ability to handle nights with a newborn (ok, this makes me throw up in my mouth just a little), and tantrums, and the mess...oh lord, the mess...i mean, it's not like we don't make messes, too, it's just that baby and toddler messes are so sticky... ok, i must stop myself...this serves no one. i am looking forward to folding a fresh load of clean diapers. smelling new baby smells. hearing those tiny little cries that are (god willing) pretty easy to silence by meeting that need... those moments when you get to eat with two hands because some lovely person has shown up and been charmed by the baby and won't let go... smiles and laughs. big brothers wrapping willingly around that tiny little finger. it'll be good...hell, it'll probably be great. our fourth born was the best idea we never had...and i remember looking at him on his second birthday, my eyes filling with tears, and thinking "what would we ever do without you?" and i can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy that i look forward to every week of...because i really think i may need each of those weeks to prepare for this..."wrap my brain around it" as my therapist and therapist friend like to say (apparently they learn these phrases in school or something). and that is ok...

peace

real quick like...

here's a quote from the mama blogging at cage free family...

I also learned (and this is, secretly, my biggest lesson so far)... It is okay to ask for help and that difficult moments and trials are not a reflection of my inadequacies, but rather platforms for me to work my strengths... to flex my muscles.

there have been many, many things i have wanted to blog about. mostly, i forget what they are because, let's face it, i'm pregnant and have four kids already and my memory is just not working at the level i'd become accustomed to. sometimes, though, i don't get around to blogging because this is just one of those times that you get to confront lots of things, figure out lots of stuff, and there isn't always time or words to capture what you're feeling, what you're realizing, and all the damned light that keeps shining. i have read many, many things that i have related to so deeply...maybe that's the deal for now, my words don't come from my mouth (or fingers) but from others... whatever it is, these words capture a lot, oh, A LOT, of what i've been thinking about lately in some shape, form, fashion, or other.

hoping i'll get back soon...
peace

breathing

yes, i'm still around. yes, i've been thinking about lots. no, there hasn't been time to blog about any of it. yes, i've already forgotten most of it. i'm just still so tired these days.

it feels funny talking about being pregnant. i mean, i am and stuff...i know this. but after not telling anyone for...six weeks?...it's just kind of weird being out of the closet. i feel like i don't even remember how to do this. if my stomach's empty, i'm nauseous. if i eat too much, i'm nauseous. and i am not doing a very good job of finding the balance. and it doesn't help that food is just so appealing these days. a fried egg on a piece of toast this morning almost made me cry it was so good...but then lots of things almost make me cry. it is fun trying to hold my head up and maintain some dignity when i feel kind of silly that everything, for one reason or another, makes me want to cry. but i don't cry...much...

it was funny. last night, my spouse walked in the door...and it's just been such a busy semester (yada yada) and we'd had a busy weekend with friends visiting and the kids were grumpy and the teen was angsty and attitudinal and dh walked in at just the moment that i was thinking i'd really like to just cry about this to him. do you understand how rare that is? for him to actually walk in the door at the minute i'm thinking about talking to him? this almost never happens. so when i saw him, i started crying. (i'm cracking up at myself here) and he said, "oh, i'm sorry, i can leave if you want..." and that made me cry more. it was kind of sweet and pathetic and i'm just glad that moment's over.

yeah, so that's where i am. and the semester is really pretty much over. i don't have to spend six hours on the road picking my teen up from his dual enrollment class anymore. today was his last day. yes, this makes me so happy i want to cry. but tomorrow is also the last day of co-op for the semester. and the next day is the last piano lesson til the fall. and the last soccer practice of the season got rained out. and i cannot even begin to express in words how different this feels. like the lightening off my chest almost hurts, it's so huge... and the feeling of freedom truly is just about intoxicating. i am very proud of all we accomplished this school year...it was an incredible ride. we worked damned hard and, yes, it makes me cry to think about how impressed i am with my kiddos...and myself, too. but i am so, so, SO looking forward to resetting a few priorities...getting back to center in the home...with the family...preparing for the new arrival, taking care of each other, and doing some reading and artsy stuff together, playing lots outside, seeing folks we love.

yeah, i'm wiping a tear or two. :)
peace

ps--am i the only one who thinks it's weird that spell check flagged "angsty" but not "attitudinal"? just wondering...