dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

ohm...

i remember when my sophomore theology teacher taught the class how to spell that word...told us it had two syllables in it, too. (yep, in catholic school i learned this...he was one radical teacher, though...love to you, mr. foreman.)

i'm trying to get my zen on. i think that sentence may be part of my problem. i realize inner peace and awareness aren't really articles separate from me that i can put on...i do. but the fact that those words have gone through my head a couple of times, perhaps, points in which direction i might travel to start solving some of the problem. i know, i mean i really know, that much of life is not worth fretting over...working in my brain like some worry stone rubbed smooth. only half the stuff i worry about is more like little shards of glass that, instead of throwing OUT where they belong, i throw back down on the ground to pick up later and therefore pollute myself with this cutting stuff. i can usually project into a situation some of that "it ain't no thang" attitude...but then, on my own, in private, in that black little alley way of my head, i start chasing the tails and whipping the dead horses. oy vey...

so here are the lyrics of the song i've been singing in my head over and over today...when i take a break from the tail chasing and dead horse beating...

Bottom of a Hill
By Terri Hendrix

I live at the bottom of a hill
Where its been known to flood
I close my eyes every time it rains
I pray I never have to move my stuff
I let the grass get a little to high
So the dandelions can grow
What some call weeds I call flowers
It’s my yard to mow

Property taxes have hit the sky
It takes two paychecks
And credit cards to get by
To keep my electric bill low
I turn off the AC and open up the windows
They build the houses to close
You can hear the neighbors that’s the proof
You don’t have to be no Indiana Jones
To jump from roof to roof

I roll up that hill to get my pay
I roll back down at the end of the day
But I’m doing alright
I’m here with you tonight
I know where I am and where I stand
In this big world
I’m doing alright
Without a view of the city lights
I believe I found my soul
At the bottom of a hill

It’s the yin and yang of the business thang
Everyone sings when the register rings
Everyone cries when the money dries up
While you and I tough it out
We’ve got more wind chimes
Than we have trees
More prayers than time
To spend on our knees
I’m here for you you’re here for me
Let there be no doubt

there's not a you tube video for this song, damn them!!! ::raising my fist at you tube:: ah, i suspect if you go to terri's website, you can find a link for at least some of the song...if you're interested.

ok, off to get my kiddo from robotics and head to mass for some more good music.
peace out

weekend edition--short version

so...no one puked at my house. i think the odds of being exposed by two different folks to two different puking viruses in the same house and NONE OF US getting the virus are slim. which makes me feel like we have immune systems of steel. and maybe that's not what it means, but it is how i feel, and that is what matters....

my nephews came and spent the night last night. seven young men/boys...ages 16 (almost 17), 15 (just turned...yesterday was his birthday), 14 (that one's mine), 13, 10 (almost 11...mine also), 9, and 5...it was a blast. it really, really was. i am so glad we did it and we all had such a good time...almost burned the house down with my less than brilliant candle placement on my nephew's cake, but otherwise...all great.

i do notice, as i keep going forward with this life, how some things change...many things change. but many don't. but i can always change how i react to things. if i choose to. and i imagine that as i change how i act in those types of situations, it will change my whole perception of them. i don't know. i just have to slow down a little...pay attention somewhat...relax the rest of the somewhat. something like that.

lately, i have this feeling like there's more to say, but then i just can't frame any of it in words. there are many things and many people i pray for right now...but most of them involve situations i am fairly certain i do not know the right course in. i am fairly certain i cannot even sit and lay out five distinct courses for any one situation, which tells me i am limited in conceiving a solution. so, all i can do is offer my sincerest wishes for peace in and for all of them. and that's where i'll end this...
peace

today

i woke up this morning to a post written by my friend, jen. jen and i have read many of the same books. well, to be more accurate, jen seems to have read almost everything, which happens to mean that, conveniently, she's read most of the books i really like (yes, anne lamott included). in her post today, she quoted kurt vonnegut in breakfast of champions. i've read breakfast of champions, but unfortunately, all i really remember from it was a picture drawn of an asshole. thank god jen has a better memory than i do. i copied the quote from her blog to put here...

So this book is a sidewalk strewn with junk, trash which I throw over my shoulders as I travel in time back to November eleventh, nineteen hundred and twenty-two.

I will come to a time in my backwards trip when November eleventh, accidentally my birthday, was a sacred day called Armistice Day. When I was a boy, and when Dwayne Hoover was a boy, all the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind.

my experience of military has been a little challenging lately. not because of the military necessarily, although the present war has definitely kept it more in the forefront of my mind...but many of the challenges are just part of who i am. i think i've mentioned before that i'm a non-confrontationalist who doesn't really even like to hurt other peoples' feelings, right? but this is me. it is not necessarily what i expect of the world...well, i mean, not in a forced way...

reflecting on today has been kind of difficult. maybe it is because i live in the south...maybe it is because i live near an army base...maybe it has nothing to do with what is going on around me and all comes from within me...but i am tired of being told what i should feel in regards to those presently serving or those who have served our country.

has it really gotten so bad that the assumption has to be that the general population is apathetic and needs to be told how to feel, what to do? and even if it has, are you trying to act in a way that perpetuates it? because speaking to me in a way that presumes i don't respect you makes me wonder why i should respect you, to be honest. (there may have been a bumper sticker here, a tshirt there...) are feelings about war supposed to be so simple? for or against? is that really all there is anymore...should it even be that easy? i find the feelings i have to be rather difficult to capture in a slogan and maybe that's why i feel so offended when i read some of these slogans...so like i said, it's probably more about what's inside me.

i liked this quote because of the way it portrayed armistice day/veteran's day...a moment of silence to hear the voice of god. it is comforting to me...the idea of god silencing a battlefield, of warriors stopping to hear.

it is hard for me to even begin to try to imagine war...very hard. but i know it is real. and i know as long the country i live in engages in wars, men and women will be called to man them. and i know those who are called to participate can do so with honor...and often do. so while i do feel gratitude, and many other emotions as well, i think the main idea of the day, for me, is...
peace

still in the race

i'm running another half marathon in november. my ultimate goal for me is a full marathon in april. but now my sister in law has thrown in the possibility of a triathlon next year, too. intriguing, i must admit...although i have not made up my mind on that one.

why do i do these things? now that i'm well into my thirties, have given birth to four kids...i have never run competitively...well, i guess i really still don't, to be honest...but i was never a runner before and now i am. why?

because i have four children. four sons. and they are growing into, yes, i'll say it, young men. i mean complete with raging hormones and changing bodies young men. and i want them to marry strong women. but they say we marry our parents. (i think i married my sister, to be honest, but that's a whole 'nother story...) and i want to be a good person for my kids to model their expectations of people on. so i try to be fun, i try to be kind, and i try to be active because life offers a lot more opportunities to those who are able to take them. and it gets tiring being left behind while your kids run on up to the snowline, or finish the climb, etc... but like everything, there's a balance....oy, always with the balancing...

i realized last night that when i go to bed, i usually pray and meditate...try to end the day on a good note. lay it at the cross, they say, right? but it occurred to me that i rarely pray or meditate in the morning. why don't i ever try to start the day on a good note? maybe i wouldn't have to pray so much, lay so much down at night if i'd distribute things a little more evenly?... i don't know. but i am game for most new experiences (except for eating chicken feet...i do not eat chicken feet...won't even try them) so i tried some meditation and prayer this morning. did a little reiki, although i'm still new to the reiki stuff so i rarely admit to trying it. (i think of it just as a different position for praying right now...)

anyway... my morning went well. i've already worked out, so that's a good thing. and my kids have been playing dungeons and dragons all morning, quietly, cooperatively, peacefully (well, as peaceful as one can be slaying trolls and finding secret passages with boots of invisibility or inconsistency or whatever my oldest, aka the dungeon master, has come up with). my littlest has been a doll this morning as he now measures the piano with my sewing tape. my two middles are spending the night at a friends' house and the rest of us will go to dinner at my bil's.

left foot, right foot, pray/reiki, breathe...
peace

contentment, i suppose

at least i think this is how it feels...

i don't know why my posts have relied so heavily on the words of others lately, except to say that sometimes what i'm thinking or processing is heavily supported by those who've gone before me and the words and ways they were able to express the same or similar. which i am grateful for because it allows me to just feel my way through without having to think too much about words or whatnot...

i saw my the-rapist today. it's a good feeling to know you've kind of made it through a difficult time. not that the difficult time is over, but that you've done your hurling, free falling, head over feet, eyes wide, heart racing, stomach sickening, where the fuck is the ground and is this ever going to end...and now you're back on your feet.

i don't know why today is different from yesterday. but it is. and i know things are going to be alright, even though they're not stagnant by any stretch of the imagination. i am glad i found this the-rapist...i really think she helped quite a bit. and of course, i am also grateful for the friends and family, authors and artists, and just life in general.

time to keep going...

i picked this song today because i went through a lot of my indigo girls cds yesterday looking for you and me of the 10,000 wars to listen to. i found it, btw...and i also found another cd i hadn't heard in awhile. this is the first song on that cd and was exactly how i felt after i got home from my appointment today which is when i put the cd on to listen to and then promptly came and sat down to blog. i put the lyrics at the end if you'd like to read while you listen. i love the way emily sings this song in this video, though...

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)

peace and have beautiful days...

a few notes

from my reiki book on my treadmill...

Although we cannot easily see it, whatever we think and feel about ourselves and others has a direct effect upon everything in creation. Because energy follows thought, sooner or later, the effects of our thoughts and actions will become our reality.

Reiki will never put us in a situation that we are unable to transform into a learning and life-enhancing experience. All we needs is a little courage, positive motivation, and a happy mind!

However, if we strongly believe that Reiki will not work for us, perhaps because on some level we don't want our situation to improve or because we still need that situation to develop some inner qualities, then this can create a mental barrier between us and the benefits.

"Breaking the chain," however, does not mean we should suppress negative thoughts and emotions. If they exist within us, they need to be regularly addressed and resolved in a clear, open, and creative way, without over-indulging them or directing them at another person.

If you are overwhelmed by your issues, remember whatever you are experiencing--good or bad--it will pass. Try not to overcomplicate things. Simply by looking for a peaceful mind and developing concern for other people's problems makes our own difficulties less real. Love, compassion, patience, giving, and wisdom can become our normal states of mind no matter how negative we feel or how difficult our life has been.

wondering if i've figured out what reiki is? me too... it's an eternal, ancient life force/energy. i think i refer to it as God, but i'm not altogether sure. that's just the feeling i have. i'm not quite halfway through the book, so i'm still trying to keep an open mind...

so i am sending out my intentions tonight...some peace...for my friend julie, for my sister, for my friend marcy, my friend denise, my friend shelley, my friend patsy, my friend lana. some peace for this co-op i'm working on and the mamas and families and churches involved. some peace and quiet for my spouse and i. always some peace for my children. and peace for the cyber tribe of mamas. and of course, peace to all the family, the ones i chose, the ones who chose me, and the ones we aren't quite sure how we found each other... and just peace...

women

there are so many women i am blessed and honored and deeply, deeply grateful to have in my life...and i think of them everytime i hear this song.



because i watch them bringing balance...fighting the good fights, healing the big wounds, and generally nurturing the world to a better place...whether they are aware of it or not.

peace

ps--and i do know men who i think of when i hear this song, too... <3

copping out, sort of

life can be difficult when you are an intuitive person. when your understanding of things comes in waves, shiftings of the energies in you, emotions following, peace landing. and then oftentimes, as soon as you try to put words to it, the ripples start and the image fades. it can be frustrating to say the least....

i believe it is best to try to find a peaceful solution. i believe in slogans like, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world" and "when the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace." i know these are not very strong sounding quotes, but TRY it...it requires a lot of strength to live this way. i think my sons think of them as kind of feminine, but i know my husband lives them as well, so maybe not.

when trying to explain my feelings about peace, though, i often get clouded with wanting to change the other person's perspective, or, just wanting to be right. even though i know it isn't productive or even respectful of the other person. i just believe so deeply in peace that i have a hard time understanding how others might not feel that way...which i DO understand, really, i do. i even understand that the other person feels just as strongly in their beliefs, and i honestly have no desire to hurt or be disrespectful to anyone...i really do know these things....just not in that moment, you know?

because i am not perfect. i often get angry and often say angry things. i am full of a tension right now as my body struggles to find a balance between my needs and the needs i am responsible for fulfilling in others...either because i took on that responsibility or because, get this, i WANT to be responsible for them. (yeah, i have not seen my the-rapist in over two weeks)

so here's my cop out. i've been thinking a lot about these feelings of mine...the core ones and then all the others that get so wrapped around them and make it hard for me to remember what the hell even started this line of thinking?... so i read last night. yeah, big surprise, i read some of anne lamott's new book, grace eventually. there have been some essays i really, really enjoyed in there. but one of the ones i read last night, i knew i had read before, even though i forgot how amazing it was. so i'm going to post a link to it here. if you're interested, check it out. it's a great story and it speaks a lot to what i think i'd say if i ever could get the words to come out clearly.

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/lamott/2005/12/05/carpet_guy/index.html

we have a sort of busy day today. i hope to get a number of things done this week. i think it would really help me to lighten up some if i could...so i will.
peace

ps--oh, and happy birthday to my father in law! he's going home from the hospital today...quite a gift, hey? well, that and that whole surviving his heart attack last week.... he is a beautiful, wonderful man and it is greatly appropriate that i would post about peace on his birthday (although i didn't exactly plan it this way, but it is serendipitous).